Cycles

I deserved a little more

More than rage and slamming doors

Could sit by the bright orange sun, watch it disappear

You'd rant and rave to shake me, but was you that had the fear

You threw things in spite when I didn't agree

Deep down you knew the strength in me

Your chopping me down never got you far

As I began to leave, you tried attacking my car

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?

How many cycles did we keep breaking down?

It led to disaster of me and you...

It's been a long time that we've been thru...

Never would I go back to you...

You could use puppets to tell me your lies

But that's the fake life I see in your eyes

I'm never ever gonna think twice bout' you

Living dreams out with my family is what I'll do

Your mind never could focus straight

Why would I stay with one full of hate?

So much hate in your deep soul

That made me pay such a toll

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?

How many cycles did we keep breaking down?

It led to disaster of me and you...

It's been a long time that we've been thru...

Never would I go back to you..

Or let you touch me again, be close to me

If only your devilish eyes could see

Those days we had are more than thru

With careless choices you continued to do

A courteous reminder with your consciousness in tact

Fear truth would leek out to your ex daughter ...is a fact

Actions just don't flee, you can't hide them from a soul

Your bleak love in your life chose to let her go

She slipped into this world from a soul of hatred and abuse

But the beauty my daughter carries on did not come from you

Cry each day of remorse on the choices of your coarse

But never again come looking for us, not a thing you can force.

I had to write a poem like I was living in yesterday. Oddly enough, we got thru it, and forgave after 4 yrs... But sadly after he remarried a young girl of jealousy, she was pregnant and demanded they part. Was sad...but a Jesus calling for Tory's heart and her amazing dad, my husband today...she's had since 1 1/2... He works wonders....

Blessings all....

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Location:N Plymouth Ct,Gilbert,United States

Savin' Me

His Savin' me wasn't just luck

Wasn't His choice thru the muck

His plans were brilliant, blazing on fire

On fire for Him thru disastrous mire

He was always there the days I didn't believe

Believe of a heaven or Him took long to achieve

I denied Him for selfish reasons, that all pertained to me

His heaven I'd mock was not like mine that I'd rather see

My heaven then, so determined I'd say

Consisted of packed freeways, backed up all day

My "place" had beaches, radio and smog

Not then did I see The Truth, living in my own fog

Many tragedies shook me hard and emotionally deep

But I didn't know my God would chose me one to keep

I rolled my tiny car three times back in 99'

Doing all the wrong but I stepped out just fine

Thanked "whoever" was out there for my catastrophe

I gathered my love for California, drove to the blue sea

Still in my heart was selfishness, against to better things

Against the good, for the odds, the odds lovers would bring

But thru the years that followed

I was hit hard and just wallowed

In self pity and remorse

My ex held me down in force

He just shook and quivered

Knowing the pain to be delivered

His heart turned colder; shutting our kids feelings out

Then one fist to another, he beat me til' I'd shout

That day began the change of me

Confused, overdosing, I bent on my knees

Pleading to who I heard about a long time ago

To love and accept my failures so that I could show

Show how amazing life can be

Living thru tough times able to see

The amazing work He has done all my blessed life

Guiding me not to pop more pills, or ever use a knife

Showed me which road was the only and the best

If troubled times came, turn to Him for some rest

He would take my tragic times that were deep in my soul

He'd take it on with trust and love, with True Heaven my true goal

He changed my life completely, answered so many deep prayers

My Lord is with me always full of love, fighting Satan with all dares

My child praised Him very young, while I was still seeking His love

He placed my angel in my life for love and to seek Him up Above

My light is flaming Lord,

Flaming just for You

My life is flaming dear Jesus

Not one could take me from You

Praise you today!

Praise you tomorrow!

Praise you still thru any sorrow!

You're full of faithfulness, love and peace

Again I will repeat...

You're full of faithfulness, love and amazing peace

A love so alive and patient, a love that will not cease

So I close with You to say

You never leave me astray

Hard times aren't in Your plans

Your filled with Your Will; not with mans

Thank You for fighting for me too

As many in this life often won't do

Holding me close, hugging me tight

You never let me out of Your sight

Thank you Jesus....

Heather Siebens, 2012

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My Love Letter

You're still here precious

Even when I may distress 

Everything in my life

Both amazing or full of strife

You're still my rock, still my soul

When I'm negative and letting go...

Letting go of all my good...

Turning around when I know I should...

I should reach out my arms and cry to you

Tell you my feelings, not just the few I do

I chase after God with you in my heart

How can one let it get so far?

Strife will never go far

Never flee away from doubt

Strife will never go far

With the love I couldn't live without

It Will Never Go Far

You are my love

You fill me full of it

You are my love, MY love

Never will we quit

You though dear, see my good and bad

My negative in life I never knew I had

You see my soul inside, in love with my light and dark

You see thru it all, forgiving without giving it a mark

I can be most happy, sad, or even just loss of zest

Hard times made life edgy, attacking much of my best

The best husband in my life who never thinks to resign

You always say "we will over come, precious, you are mine"

I may sulk in the dark feeling all is on MY plate

But you, precious one, remind me it's never too late

Too late to give it back to God and know He has good plans

Plans of good not of evil, no matter how many times I ran

You bring out my glee

No matter what's wrong with me

You turn it around for the good to be found

The good I myself find in you is profound

May we both live life thru each others place

Both live thru changes, heartaches, all thru His Grace

Yes, you see my dark, you love my light

You bless my love, thru His love so bright

May we be ONE here on earth and in the realms Above

From beginning to end with all, Christ is filled with LOVE

With His extraordinary love and peace; my worries are few

Praising our Creator for all He does and will do

I truly praise Jesus with all my heart

I never want to grumble as I did at start

I know thru all trials, blessed by you thru Him I'll shine

You're the only one I truly desire, You thru God are only mine

So bless you in return from my soul

Bless you in return

Bless your courage

Bless your strength

Bless your work I've tried to brake

Bless your love

Bless your passion

Bless your patience

Bless your prayers of persistence

There is no one like you on this earth

And I say to you again;

As a daddy and a husband when we hurt

You thru our God are always there to mend

I will always love you Christian Siebens....always thru thick and thin!

Love,

Your moody but loving wife...

Thanks for handling this road....all my brain surgeries you gripped so tight, all my phenobarbital overdosings you helped me make it thru- so we could make it thru....thru convulsions or regular seizures you hung on...my loss of language and paralyzation (temporary) last month, you put up a fight...and can claim victory my love...as we walk thru my pain, you say you know it will go away for good....thru my families lack of love, you give me your family and support.....

I love you sweetie....

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Hurt, Love, Friends, Family, Trials-JESUS

We all need to learn to give love, need to learn to receive...for if we are against each one, our life together will not breathe. ~Part of a poem of mine from 2004....

There are several things Satan wants me to give up on... Jesus, faith, love, health, family, friends, forgiveness, restoration ....

Most of these can be haunting. When you become a true hearted Christ follower...you have to be armed in a form of love. But what if something atrocious hit you? Many ways of looking at that.
My ex began cheating on me first yr of marriage. But what had us end was his physical abuse to me 6 1/2 yrs into it, we had a million break ups and files cancelled for divorce. But then, I had just gone thru my first brain resection and we had a one yr old sleeping soundly in her crib. This wasn't going to continue. Later after that ...major life threatening actions occurred while all of a sudden searching for Christ-He spoke to me saying just before I hit coma that I would return, but it wasn't my time...to keep pressing on in His love. I woke up a different person.

But here is the tough part internally... My parents grew further and further from me, as for they refuse to open their hearts and feel their failures are embarrassing instead of human. The last decade has been tough. I've gone thru very tough medical issues, they would have nothing to do with; whether it was overdosing to numb the abused pain they didn't believe yet,,, or grand mal, status epilepticus seizures, or two more brain surgeries. They wouldn't come. They distanced BIG before we moved to Philly...never calling or texting me once for over two years. But we returned in January, and we drove down to see them twice...and that was the end. I got a text this past Friday saying so.
Now ironically, that happened on my 5th day of my body being pain free, and taking care of my daughter on my own as Christian was out of town, business. That message just blew me up. In tears....then turned to anger....I'm hoping for numbness.... Then forgiveness to move on.
I sit and tell myself He has reason for everything ... Just give it time...but I have given this over 10 years.... Have a gut feeling time for me isn't on their agenda.
But I'll deep down always love them. I was never material, just needed love. But where they are in life, they cannot show that...to me, nor their only grand kid, Tory.

Day after this one of my best friends and I bumped heads. I still feel the same way, hurt while I emailed her....but hurt more she took as a jab. I just speak reality. So I am sorry to that soul if it hurt that much...to not call in return to figure it out and just drop me from all social media. I don't do that, won't do that....as for Jesus wouldn't. I will love her just the same. Given emails sometimes are heard differently than how they would be spoken verbally...sorry, I verbally was struggling with my parents downfall to hold it all in full sentence. So if I hurt you aside of truth, it came from my crushed heart from reaction to my parents. I can be very aggressive, and friend, we both know you are delicate...but that is a gift from Jesus. Keep it.

So even with all this chaos, my legs and arms are in basically zero pain for the first time since that brain surgery in 2010. So lesser the likelihood of my having the corpus colostomy done ( split of both hemispheres of the brain to stop the one side telling the other I am in utter pain) ... At least right now it's under control..and the other is on the back burner.

I am an odd soul who listens to music that relates to my pain...I am a much stronger Christian than last years chaos, but the music lets me know, as well as I know, I'm not alone in this mess. My faith music will return very very soon....I feel much more at ease. The parent thing just has taken a couple days to file away for now.
And I love all who hate me (not many thank God)....and love all you who love me.... Mostly, I am in deep love with Jesus Christ...thru everything.
God bless you all...in your walks, thru strife, thru blessings, thru it all we are so loved by our Creator.....and He won't let you go, if He hasn't me!

In His Love,
Heather


"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but YOURS be done." Luke 22:42

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Psalm 124:8


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Location:E Chesapeake Dr,Gilbert,United States

Alive

As I ran, searching for Christ back in 2003.... Nothing seemed controlled. The day I cried for Him on deaths door October 19, 2003, just before I hit coma after CPR was performed... Jesus had more than a heart, unconditional love, plans for all. He put up with me, this young girl who rejected Him for years on end while He saved her from so much. But that night I really should never have made it.
I went thru domestic violence from my ex almost the exact year before
I almost took and lost my life. It wasn't my only attempt ... But it was one that never should have been survived thru.
I began to overdose on my Phenobarbital because it numbed the pain, mental pain that my ex beating me, 2 mos after my first brain surgery caused. No excuse, but just personal reason.
I've never done a drug in my life, so it was shocker this was the route I took. But the neurologist I had in AL, during my pregnancy and heightened seizures, kept upping my dose of Phenobarbital past toxic level. So, a year later, after my 1st brain surgery then relocating with my husband then... That drug became my best friend.... My god. Four days into TX move, my ex beat me. But it was military, they don't put up with it. So they pulled him out of our apartment.
I was so distraught -unsure why it all happened. So I began reaching for my bottle of antiseizure medicine I took my whole life-Phenobarbital ... And took it in larger quantities.... Knowing it would numb the pain.
Mind you that was a year before the tragic yet blessed day-October 19, 2003. All of 2003 I was tripping over my own created disasters to hopefully rid the big one in my life. But I just couldn't hold anything together.
I was very blessed with the worlds BEST and caring neurologist ever at Mayo hospital. He knew my personality well, and could see a breakdown coming. He dealt with 3 big overdoses of mine that year, but that one in October we always thank Jesus for.
On the 17th I had an appointment with my neurologist, and he could see I was jittery. Something was wrong with Heather.
Oddly enough the 18th rolled around and I received a call from my now ex husband. All of a sudden, no matter what pictures I had taken legally of my bruises he caused, he was denying he touched me. I just was hurt, yet exploding inside.
I had been searching for Jesus that whole year of 2003.... But I didn't yet know how to turn to HIM, and give Him my baggage. I was one who still kept everything deep inside me-until it became obvious. And that is what happened. I had been saving up my Phenobarbital for a few months, totally hidden. First reason I didn't take it was I was angry at it cause of a couple overdoses that were hospitalized and some just at home. But yet I still saved it. Unconsciously of any issue, any aftermath they were there. And that occurred. That argument on the phone with my ex calling from Iraq, in denial of any abuse made me explode. I would either live thru it very numb, or graciously die-which to me was a gift to everyone...right down to my baby girl I raised on my own thru it all. I was lost and didn't want to be found. Hard problem, having gone to church all that year, I probably hadn't accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior yet.
So the 19th hit and I hit every pill I had stored for months. A very very strong, 1912 anticonvulsant medication went in my system. My daily dose would normally be 180 mg. I had swallowed over 9000 mg and can somehow, only thru Christ's plans and love, tell you this.
My hospital stay started in the ER. But all began at the mall with a friend when it all was hitting hard. I was fortunate to have my neurologists cell. I called, blasted as ever, and he instructed me to get to their ED right away. By the time I got there, I was in and out. No gag reflex, level from 30 of Phenobarbital to at least 101 and climbing. They had to give CPR cause it stopped my heart....and just before they pumped my stomach...I cried to Jesus for another chance for Him, for my kid, even though I didn't deserve it. I saw light and exited. They pumped my stomach and I was in ICU for a few days.
My neurologist could "get" why all this happened. He despised my ex and did everything to help me out of that pit.
I came off of that Phenobarbital then. We've tried it since, to see if the physical addiction was gone.... But it is there forever.
Humor behind that medication I took my whole life; had that AL neurologist not increased the dose so high while pregnant, it probably would have remained my medication....no overdoses, one brain surgery instead of three. But had I not fallen into the overdosing mode, I may never had run looking for Christ-for His hand, His help. And I wouldn't have my amazing husband today.... And maybe not even you amazing friends. It is amazing what one part of life changed could do to us, some positively, others negatively.
So, even though this day thru the 29th may seem surreal, I wouldn't change it. He finds a way for us to grab ahold of Him in all different ways.
I pray my family finds Him. I was the first for years... I think and pray my brother has. But as for my parents.... They are far from any God...very bitter. Thru all this I've tried to capture all the positives, not dwell on something decades ago that could have caused it all. He has too many plans and blessings as we walk with Christ.
Even with the severe pain my 3rd AWAKE brain surgery caused... From 2010 thru now, I have to hang on knowing He has plans thru it all.
Bless you all....

(By the way, the day my ex beat me was Oct 6, 2002... I insisted my husband today get married on October 6, 2007 to rid the pain... Best decision ever)
Jesus works miracles...
Heather (Hetty) Siebens

Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."


Joshua 24:24 The LORD our God we serve, and His voice will we obey.

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!!

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Micah 6:8 And what does this LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

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Death Will Not Sting

Poem forms young gentleman that knew he wouldn't make it past 26... Before any health issues, any diagnosis. Dan had an amazing connection with Christ.... I hang onto this knowing illnesses can be for reasons ... Godly strength .... Praise Him!

By Dan Steven before brain cancer diagnosis .... 10 yrs before death here.....

His first major poem...

I want you to dance at my funeral
I want you to celebrate your life
I want you to dance at my funeral
In this you'll remember me
And you'll keep my love alive

Don't you shed your tears for me, baby
I'll be dancing with the angels in the sky
My Jesus, He's gonna save me
My Jesus, He's gonna dry your eyes
So I want you to dance at my funeral
I want you to eat ice cream and read poetry all night
Yah, go ahead and dance at my funeral
In this way you remember me
And you keep my love alive

Death's nothing than a doorway
A doorway home to the light
By HIS GRACE we will be there someday
Until then, keep your torch burning bright
For the sky's gonna fall on us someday
Wash our every memory away. (AMEN!!!!)
All our empty treachery will decay

And LOVE will remain

By.... The late but amazing Dan Steven
Brain Cancer took his life quick.... But all he did for Christ was like living to 100!!
AMEN!

May you be dancing in Heaven Dan!

In His Grip,

Heather

Joshua 1:9
"Be strong and courageous. DO NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Cure

Cure

Tragic times led to amazing blessings as I held tight onto Christ!


Cure

Life sure can get complex,
if you just let it so.
With every wilting flower,
a healthy one will grow.

It started out so simple
just one pill led to two;
but with age seizures angered
and I didn't know what to do.

They changed so fiercely overnight,
I dared not tell a soul.
I just played pretend they didn't exist;
prayed I wouldn't pay a toll.

Then, with a gift from God came happiness,
everything felt just right!
Then came a twist, a jab, of hopelessness!
It's now hard to sleep at night.

For what was managed then, grew and grew.
Not one in that town could believe -
that the dilemmas with me are for real, are true.
So with all of that - my child and I had to leave.

What may have seemed atrocious
what may have seemed unjust;
all happened for a purpose
this happened, now I must

I must be honest
I must be well
I must be focused
Dear God I'll tell . . .

I'll tell You how shocking life can be!
I'll tell you I'm tired, no energy!
Seizures aren't controlled by medication for me;
They're controlled by the faith in our Lord, I NOW see!

Faith in Christ is the actual cure;
even when I must take pills.
Cause with all my problems and issues I endure;
with His love there's no trial, mountain, no hills!

So I praise Him today with all my heart,
my heart has so much to give!
Without Him I'm not sure where I'd be
He's shown me all more reason to live!

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Location:Home

Hold Tight

Let's Grow Old... for Christian Siebens 7/4/04

I've got great dedication
to the best man there is
life sure seems it's ending
on a vast burning bridge

For it just may seem impossible
but you need to hold on tight
that bridge that feels it's coming down
could be the one that gives us light!

Just look beyond all our problems
look toward the coming years
for I'm tired of waiting for flawlessness
continuing that would cause me tears

The world is full of emptiness
if it doesn't contain love
It captured us and held us close
we were guided from above

We all need to learn to give love
need to learn to receive
for if our love doesn't have both
our life together will not breathe

We need passion
We need faith
We need commitment
but for God's dear sake...

We need each other's hand
down every winding road
life's weather can get harsh
and fearful stories could be told

We have to stay strong
do not collapse, do not fold
for you and I are worth it all
we're both fearless, we're both bold

So much in my life, broke my heart
but meeting you, put me back at start
a new breath of life, which starts a new living
full of sweet love and excitement we're giving

So hold on tight with me now
For I can't wait to mold
you quench my thirst as we are young
We'll hold strong while we grow old

I love you Christian 

Hetty Siebens 2004

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Location:Here

For Christ

A repeat poem I have to remind myself of.....





For Christ....


I am just me, can't give You much
I love You every step and every fall
You are my God I give thanks for Your touch
Never ending love You give to us all

I pray all find You
Run to Your love
My life changed, You made me anew
How close I feel to You in Heaven above

Never will I turn away
with all You have carried me thru
I am thankful You saved me everyday
I look at Your blessings and see what I'm to do

Your beauty and light glorifies every day
You are my one desire to praise
Out I am to share You with all and pray
Others that don't know You will find Your Amazing grace

You gave me life and kept it from death
I could have died but You answered my call
I live for You with the gift of Your breath
I pray this Easter You are love by ALL!

I love You Dear Jesus with all my heart
I live for You Christ until the day we meet eyes
That day we live for, to be our true start
You dear Jesus thru love saved us and died

I give You me heart
I give You my love
Obedience and truth are also a part
Of growing closer to You til' we meet up above

I love you always even thru the storms
and praise You that You saved me
To live with You forever MORE!



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Location:Home

Why God?

All to His Glory I'm here, can function, can think!!
I have never thought #1... that things could get much worse than what my 3rd brain surgery, that was done awake, and what it caused-never could think anything could possibly get worse. But I was more than tragically wrong. On Friday the 7th of September--I went thru such a medical trauma-one worse than my tough 12 years of major doctor visits, figuring everything out with me and my brain.
I was in such utter pain and have been since the 3rd brain surgery back in 2010. Haven't had complete pain free days since, just finding ways to cope when I can. But I was in my doctors office in extreme pain and spastic legs. That then felt like nothing could get worse-on the contrary: I was on a brand new medication to help me walk and function. It at first began to help. But within 36 hours into it, I never thought I would be any part of me again. My brain was all miswired. Not just seizures; I say just seizures cause I've had those all my life and get thru them. No, this was at first so scary cause I lost ability to converse. I couldn't understand ANYTHING anyone was ever saying, nor could I say anything except my husbands name and last name. I couldn't even remember my own daughters. And with all questions my answer would always come out Christian-cause I thought that was the word I was looking for. I thought this was going to be way too tragic to ever handle; God decided to show me even tougher.
In ICU I woke up early morning (middle of night) and my precious hubby was sleeping. I was going to try to tell him this weak feeling I was getting-but it was no longer just weird, I was unable to lift any part of my body. My muscles went limp. My neck muscle gave and threw it to the side, opposite direction of where my hubby was sleeping. But even my facial, mouth, tongue muscles were gone-so I couldn't use my speak nor use my hands/arms/legs for anything. So I was stuck unable to talk to anyone about what felt like permanent paralyzation-of limbs, neck, face, mouth tongue-for life. I couldn't even cry at that time. Then I'd fall into short sleep. And again it would hit. But my 3rd round, several hours later-I was finally able to slowly move and talk what words I could remember. But back to zero in making any sense-no matter how my brain knew what I needed/wanted to say, or read, or try to type.
I stayed unable to truly communicate for over 48 hours. Only good part was I only knew, really knew, my husband's name thru all of it. My life was looking like a very burned brain, for life. But I sure loved him-and so much today.
I am so grateful to God for the husband I have-who was very worried, but stayed so strong and loving and uplifting thru it all. Had he not been there-not sure if I would have made it thru this time.
All discussed small stroke with me and perhaps 2 very different types of seizures that were attacking me. But memory being gone would have altered life forever. I wouldn't have known how I'd ever want to stay around if that burned.
We always, ALWAYS think a certain tragic trial is tough; but not long after we come to personal realization THRU GOD'S Help--that those WEREN'T THE WORST... and I was shown way way worse ever - to realize to be able to be grateful thru the tragedy of the original tragic trial that holds me back from a lot of things-yet it doesn't take everything out of my brain-and always able to still use may painful body-never paralyzed prior. So all I can do is look back at all I was and now still going thru-seizures, severe body limb pain...but I now, can speak and remember most everything again. To lose everything we have as a human body, was not just depressing, really, it was most frightening as ever. And as I type thru this-I wipe tears away; as for it was very traumatic wondering if I'd ever know my family again-be able to be with my amazing Christian. It all looked so dark then. But thru deep silence from God thru a few years of my severe body pain-probably from my 3rd brain surgery...He sure had a lot to teach me with all I just went thru. And I am so very humbled and thrilled I am still alive, able to speak and listen and understand-and able to bodily function-in pain, but I CAN!
Jesus sure let me know He is still here. Just not exactly how I want things-but He is working on the way, HIS WAY- for His Glory. So I hang on tight.
I am very gracious for every friend and my family who all came together in rough times-but kept me as chipper as possible-more than anything LOVED!
Thank you all....
Thank you Jesus...
and thank You Christian. No words to describe my love. I know words now-but nothing is enough right now-I am very gracious-I thank Jesus for you!!

Each day we get hit, I will try to remember this day and know how much worse it can be-cause I really never want to see that again. I am never fearful-but that did me in. I am worn out but gracious!
Bless you all-I am ever so grateful.
In His Loving Arms,
Heather Siebens

#Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness. ~C.S. Lewis #Quote

One True God

I have only ONE True God....
But there are so many times that it feels like He has taken time off, can't hear my prayer, nor my tear to catch. And then, I am hurt more and withdrawal. Cause it doesn't feel like He truly cares or has any answer... even though the correct side of me knows He does care. He does hurt when I hurt. But when it feels like Jesus is on vacation as I suffer never-ending, then I'm in the step away motion. Feel like no prayer will do a thing.
But I truly do know He is there. Just what makes it hard to hang on thru all the pain- is the docs today are so afraid of any true diagnosis, as for the medication of one may be hard on my epileptic body. But none of this is fun. And this utter pain is way worse than all the seizures I've had. But finding a real doc to take on the case to juggle with diagnosis, is basically impossible.
So I pray the doc I see tomorrow gives me clarity-or a great referral. But this isn't a way to live. In temporary relief-week to week.

Please pray there is a positive answer tomorrow!! Or I will lose my mind!!

Love to all....

Heather

PS ... Christian - sorry for such disastrous night.. I love you!!

Us Always My Love from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

True Blessings

True Blessings

 Thru every tragic moment

 there must be a blissful end.

 Hanging onto Christ and each other

 is the only way to mend. 

 I reach for you all chaotic days

 not every day do I get your touch.

 I trust in God, His truth in us-

 That you’re about to bless me so much.

 Your touch from your sweet loving hands

 makes my body shiver in delight.

 Knowing that our love is strong

 makes me allow no room to fight.

 You are my everything thru ups and downs

 You are my bright light in every moment of dim

 When focused on our precious love for Christ;

 I KNOW we've achieved ALL true blessings from HIM.

Thru all of this, I DO LOVE YOU Christian C Siebens
Love,
Hetty Siebens

Differences to Love

We all have dreams, goals, desires. But we all have to put into perspective- HE is the ONE with OUR plans. So as we may pray earnestly for one particular need, want, desire-- they just may not be in God's deck of cards, so to say, for us. No... those plans of ours aren't in there-because HIS plans out-number the stars He made, for us!! No matter what we pray for-it just might not be HIS way to get us to where He wants us-walking tightly side by side.
My husband and I have the hardest time finding a common between us- in order to share extra time we have, together. It has gotten tougher over the years due to my illnesses making anything mobile to athletic usually out of our deck of cards. I was however blessed with a new talent- when they removed the larger portion of my left, dominant side of my brain-it was enough to make my right side... the artistic side come alive. The side that was never able to paint a thing before now does multiple crafts, and I just love it!! Downside to that- that is not my husbands gift. All his desires are much more physical in motion-and my body has just been thru so much, it is still in healing mode from being in utter pain for over two tragic years.
I am a drama movie person, if I am ever really up to watching a movie. He loves TV. I personally cannot stand it at all. Haven't truly watched TV since my first marriage back in 96'. That was the end of any desire to watch television. I had never sat to view TV with anyone as extremely ADHD as my ex. He couldn't even get his attention off the Windex commercial- just enthralled!! So since then, TV has been out of my life. It is just a burn of the brain anyway-and I don't have as much as the normal person anyway.
I personally love music. I know all the words-I know the song that is coming on from the first two beats. I guess perhaps it comes from my brain issues- you can still gain blessings from complications. But music means so much to my heart, mind, soul. But my hubby really only began to like music today as an adult when we got together. And he still is one who hears the tune, but doesn't often listen to the lyrics. So to him, it's all just cool beats. Where to me the songs mean something deep.
My life as a young child thru teen years was being a gymnast. And a competitive one at that. One that would stick it hard on the balance beam, no matter how bad my ankle hurt. One thrilled for vault, even though I had just had an absence seizure. Those NEVER got in my way then. But with pregnancy later in life-my seizures changed. And I no longer had that aura/warning to stop whatever I was doing to be safe during the seizure spell to come. Now they usually just hit me. That is what makes many things a bit more complicated-not counting the fact my body feels like it's 135 today, not 35.
But I will say this... we have a couple really rad commons we just always have to focus keeping our hearts in and eyes on-- and that is our awesome faith in Christ-which brought this amazing marriage together. Who blessed us with our special child-who is an amazing gift from Christ. All three of us love our Lord with all our hearts, minds, souls, strengths. And if we let that slip, for too much TV or art- than we will begin to slip at everything... including the reason for each other as ONE thru Him!!
I am one very blessed soul-even thru loss of many gifts I had, things I used to love to do but can't since this last brain surgery or how medication can make me feel. But I can kiss my baby girl goodnight-remembering our lifetime history and lifetime future to come. I am able to remember to kissy  my husband goodnight, even if he has already totally conked out. Watch him come in from running, pouring down sweat-and able to show him what I painted while he was out doing something my body just can't do anymore. Not now at least. I enjoy painting things for him. It makes my heart feel so warm and loving. I always pray he feels the same receiving.
So we may have many differences. I may Facebook msg him a billion times more-but he is getting back to it. I may make a ton of things for him-Lord, he may be sick of it all-but he is sweet enough to rave on about it. I may not be athletic-past gymnast anymore; now just dealing with pain of osteoporosis-even being 9 yrs younger than him. But our love is the most amazing common Jesus blessed us with. One that on my side will never cease- no matter what our differences may be. I always pray he feels the same. Even with sick cause me. He has such loving patience. I pray he is always filled with amazing love... that is the best common we could be blessed with.
I love you dear Christian... thru all differences.

In His Grip,

Heather

Know Love

Don't we all seem to have specific types we "hang" with?? Types we always seen perfect to connect to. Such as my hubby for me. We seem to balance each other out... One is loud mouth, other more introverted. One seems very very loving-the other seems to be a cat, on their terms. One is sorry about whatever right away-the other needs space to get all straight with Jesus. But that one doesn't require "I'm sorries" as where the other does along with praises. So we even out pretty darn well.
But those are opposites.... Ever been a friend with someone where all you do is butt heads?? Argue?? Can't ever see eye to eye?? Yet you cannot seem to humble yourself for this particular person??... No matter how many times you dive into James and read where we are to watch our tongues..? I can with particular personalities... But with others.... I am just waiting for them to light up as "incorrect!!"
I am not saying I am some evil doer... not that I am often one "excited" to place someone in there right place. But I am just being truthful--that I am human-and am not perfect like Jesus. My heart tries to be in the right place, but fails.
But the most amazing part of life-is Jesus still loves me and accepts me, with all my faults. And He blessed me with a husband who is so much the same in that category. I have struggled, and do struggle with illnesses, so when he is out of town for business-my more dark side comes out, trying to deal with everything without him. Then it becomes a harsh circle round of me asking him if he really enjoys leaving at my bodies weakest point--as if he really knows that. But the devil plays with our minds, having us feel like we need to blame our loved ones for complications in our lives. That isn't the case--Christ has us together for one reason or another-or many. It isn't His plan to have us point at one another or assuming the worst of situations due to our own complications. Most of the time He allows complications to enter our lives to help strengthen us-help us hold onto Him, and love our loved ones for all they do thru it all-recognize it all and not just the parts we feel are missing. Jesus will help us stand thru it all-no matter how much pain we may be in. His love will help south that until our loved ones, who do everything they can in this world for us-are able to return and be the Godly spouse/loved one He has blessed us with-for so many reasons.
Plus, turn all these actions around FOR your loved ones.
My husband has helped me thru so much. And even on the tough brink of it all-during "why God's" or just my hubby having to be out of town at brutal health times-I can look back at all his love given during it all. What I took for granted. I can see him rushing home out of worried love for me-for us...and see his handsome, caring, loving face-rushing into the house several days early out of his extreme love and care for me. And I am just now seeing this, thru my eyes, yes-but more so thru my heart. And just makes me want to give that love back, and more.
Health issues are never fun for the patient. But I could never imagine being the beloved spouse-hanging on thru it all with I am sure-many questions to Christ. So, with all you all go thru-never forget to try to view yourself from your beloeved's eyes. A very tough road as well--as for they don't even know the feelings we get from any of our illnesses. All has to be imagined and prayed for.
And I love Christian Siebens for every prayer, hug, kiss, care, rush, comfort-all his love he gives every day- well, or unwell. He is a very unique human being--but one Christ blessed me with for so many reasons!! I am so grateful!!

God bless you all!!! Know you are loved!!

In His Love,

Heather


Titus 3:5 He saved us, not because of the good things we did, but because of His mercy. He washed away our sins and gave us new life through the Holy Spirit.

I FOLLOW YOU, YOU follow me...

That is a song from Genesis. I turn it to I FOLLOW YOU (Christ) YOU (Christ) follow me!!
His site for Facebook or twitter etc would be wide open for all to be friends and FOLLOW HIM--and He would always "Follow" back--meaning connecting!!
I swore after all the stuff I went thru, been going thru, am going thru-will go thru... the way He has everything so well knit and planned made me swear-that even before I knew Him-He was "following" me. Meaning, my whole life was there thru everything I never knew til later that He was.
My marriage (1st one of two--this one is forever!!) back in 1996 turned into many disasters. It was also the first time I'd ever heard of Jesus. When I did, and how presented was very harsh and not the way to convert anyone. First major words out of my ex's mouth was how much more He loved this Jesus. I never would have understood it back then, so it stabbed me. Not long after-I tried to figure a tiny bit out by going to church with him. But many things hurt while there-but the top tear was when he cheated on me. This man shoves this "Jesus" stuff down my throat-I try to go to understand, then he pulls the top sin for marriage, and reason for divorce-even ok'd biblically to divorce.
We were back and forth in each others lives from then-never thinking it would last.
But God watched over me thru so much. When we split and I was dating other people-He called out to me in a physical way. On my way to see this man I had been dating, and just didn't feel "right" to me, I was on the 5 fwy and hit this HUGE bronco FULL tire-and it flattened my cute Tercels front left tire. I had to merge 4 lanes over and I landed perfectly in front of a call box!! (I had no cell phone back then) The people to help were out right away. And I was fine. I knew there was a God out there-I just still needed to find Him!! More off, I was thankful it all happened-cause when I wound up to see a boyfriend I was dating-yet knew it wasn't right-I saw why the tire blow out happened. God was saying "Don't go further!!" But I did. And reason why was he proposed to me. And I didn't feel the same. These are the ways God can talk to us, even when we don't know Him yet.
He also knew there was going to be action I was totally unaware of, but my heart didn't know that so He had to make it obvious. My husband then and I were having a very dusty, perplexed marriage. There was this ex of mine who kept calling me when we lived in Orange County-and wouldn't refrain. But my now ex and I thought we were in the clear when we moved to San Diego-but he knew how to find me as I always work for Marriott. So when he called me there-this is an ex boyfriend that shouldn't have been--mind you God was not in my personal heart in my thoughts. This man hurt me-he was married and I was back to my now ex husband trying to work things out then. I told him, I would meet up for lunch-to say good-bye, the "we" had to end. I got all dressed up pretty and had my music going. God wanted to intervene big time on this!! I was behind a very slow lady on the freeway... so I got over into the fast lane. This HUGE truck in front of me was hard to follow-could not see around him nor thru him-but was giving it some time to clear. But the big truck last minute swerved next to median and around what I had to eat: this HUGE bedliner flew out of the back of someones pick up and I had no choice but to drive into it-which threw wheels out of control and me into the median, then rolling the car 3 times landing upright. I was able to get out, brush glass off of me, wipe a small bloodspot-and see my left ring finger blow up-which made them cut my wedding ring off. I got sent to the hospital and broke my left finger-they had to cut my ring off!! Ok, what is God saying here!!?? Cause then I had to call people, one to come help me-I had no car and another to let them know that lunch wasn't happening. He was so angry at me. Little me in the hospital after all this, and I am yelled at. Well, come to find out-he had more plans in a hotel room than just a good-bye lunch. God, even when I didn't know Him-watched over me!!
Not too long after-about 10 mos-I went out with my now ex to eat, drink my first wine, and talk about our agreed upon divorce. All was really done smoothly, no fights. But a "one last time" night came about, and at that moment-I knew God had someone coming for me. Not into my life on the outside, but into my life on my inside! I was pregnant!!
We really tried working things out. But weren't seeing eye to eye. I have always had epilepsy. But was controlled for years. When I got pregnant, it flew out of control! And the neurologist I had to see was in AL of all states. And the one I got wasn't an epileptologist-obviously. As he kept increasing my hard medication til way past limit he should have ever gotten close to. We had a lot of family attacks there in AL due to my illness having been re-born and at a non-stop and scary rate. Change of seizures. A billion time change of meds. Then off to Phoenix to my family with my baby to find true care. I found that at Mayo Hospital.
I went forth into my 1st brain surgery--Lord was it ever painful. But if this would rid my seizures, I was ready. My now ex was able to come home on emergency military leave and help me with our kid then. And two months later, just getting well, he beat me. I was done with him. I was so hurt physically and mentally. Worse part of all-that scare and fear and anger clocked my brain back to that really high dose of phenobarbital. And I began overdosing on mentally straining days. From Dec of 2002- Oct 19, 2003 were my weak points-and if I could get more, or save up for that rainy day-I would pop a ton on several occasions. ER in 2002 was ugly-and amazing I am here. Today, this date but in 2003 was when I ingested a huge amount surpassing my level, and many others. They wanted me to go to an indoor rehab. I had to refuse-and my doctor supported me 100% due to circumstances. We tried taking me off of it-but I wound up having a HUGE grand mal seizure. Went back onto it in hopes mind was clear and getting thru the tough times I endured with my ex.
I had a lot of stress-with him, and my life moving forward. But my last BIG OD looking to exit occurred when he decided to deny he ever inflicted pain ON me, by beating me. Even though the Army-social service had to take pics and record everything-he wanted to deny it. Sent me more than thru the roof. I wound up ingesting an uncountable amount of that same medication-to the point where I needed to call on HIM. As for the whole year of 2003 I had been searching for and out this "Jesus" at an amazing church- Cornerstone Christian Fellowship. I had one very close friend that took me under her wing-but I was very skeptic of most everyone otherwise there. Who could I trust now?? But with all the amazing "signs" Jesus gave me that year-how could I doubt Him?? So on the gurney about to have the tube sent down to charcoal my stomach-I cried out for Jesus' love and to take me in as His here on earth-help me figure it out!! I went into coma-and a few days later after CPR even occurred to keep me here-I was so laid back and not a blabbing mess coming off that stuff. I told my neurologist we would cold turkey the phenobarb and start something new-cause I was NEW-following Christ. And did not want to turn back and try to take care of my booboo's myself-but to give it all to Him!!
I need to be on Phenobarbital. It isn't a desire or want, just a sad fact. I've tried it several times again-and I can't take it. I am mentally and physically abusive to it. So this led on to a 2nd brain surgery. This one was done with in depth electrodes in my brain to stimulate areas and see which ones look ok to take off, and mark those that you can't-too vital!! Took away my issues with a lot of memories that would snap me into seizures. Usually just a song, or beginning of a TV show or smells that would set me into major Deja Vu-then into a seizure. Glad that was gone!!
But a major setback occurred. Two medications worked for me, and I couldn't take either due to severe medical reasons. So we tried everything again-but decided that a 3rd brain surgery, done AWAKE would be wisest road.
All in all it truly was. So many country to country praying for me. And the surgery itself was amazing!! But quickly seizures came back along with excruciating pain that started in my left foot and quickly crawled up my body everywhere. It kept getting more severe-I never thought I'd make it thru--and had a LOT of "why God's" "where are you Jesus" and so on. I could usually see reason for everything as it was happening-but with this I just couldn't. It went on over two years with me to finally see how it worked in many lives, my life, my families life-and my big brother to find Him!!
I have many irritating illnesses I don't talk about, cause I know He will see me thru all. But many can be painful. My right kidney does not work and needs to be taken out sooner than later. Have stinging air in my salivary glands. TMJ always puts me in severe pain of the jaw and ear really bad. As extreme migraines come from that too.
I was also on my way to glaucoma-we thought we got me out in time... a medication was causing it. But the pain in my eyes can still be very debilitating.
I gratefully thought of a past medication I was on-that is good for helping my primidone kill my seizures, pulls excess fluid from my eyes and the pain in them, helps kidneys process right and more often!!! So my neuro and I are talking about bringing that one aboard again. After 2 more brain surgeries, I think I might just have a shot at it being great help!!
Jesus has plans thru all our strife and hard times. As we seek Him and Him only- He brings them alive in our life!! My life changed 110% with all He has done for me, thru me, around me, uplifting me... making me humble!! My daughter got a real dad at the end of my ex and I. She was our reason we ever got together in 3 months. But our marriage never lasted--and just had an awful break up. My kid is thrilled with the man Jesus placed in my life-and only knows Him, and Jesus as her Father. As for my ex stepped out long ago--and legally signed her over several years ago. Forever I am grateful God put that in his heart. As for Tory couldn't do the two dad's thing-with someone very mean to her mommy. I forgave him and let it go--Holy Spirit whispered that to me-and was the best thing I did in 2006!
Story is so long, yet so short in detail. But a very dear friend was curious why all the brain surgeries. Why? I needed Christ in my life-and if it meant almost losing mine with addiction after being beaten to find Him truly--then be it. Not a thing I would change. Just move forward with brighter sense and 10 yrs of utter love and many more to come for all our Father, my Lord, my God-Jesus Christ. His plans will never fail!!

Bless you all...

In Christ's Love,

Heather

To God Be The Glory, Honor, Praise!!

A little visit

My brother came to visit with me this past week-and as I thought, turned out wonderful. We had a fall out a month or two ago-but we both go to our corners and get over it-then come back like nothing happened. For this I am so blessed!! This visit was a blessing!!
We had a different one tonight, just my husband Christian and I. I had a HUGE fall out with the pain clinic I have been having issues with since I started going there in February. But this took the cake!! They, without warning, cancelled my appointment saying I had to see my Primary Care doc. Well, with all brain surgeries and hospitalizations and it being a PPO-I have NEVER had to do this. So no warning and out of my prescription, they just asked me to get that appointment first. Now, the cute little nurse-actually not quite to that level yet, had no idea of disaster that was starting. Most would prescribe one to two patches until I get that doctor appointment-immediately. But instead tonight we had some entertaining to do. After the injection of a pain medication-to try to kill some of my pain-they made us wait 30 minutes to see how it helped etc. And my brain just remembers her feet coming toward me ready to have me sign, when I went into my complex seizure. I guess I scared her to death according to Christian. But came back out-upset as usual. So in order to let me leave, they injected me with Ativan to stop seizures, then the nurse was distraught and understood what WITHDRAWAL does to a seizure patient-and she was, after all that drama, able to prescribe the patch for me to wear for a few days-until we can straighten this fiasco out.
I am home. Jesus watched over us... and does each day. I know I will get thru all of this-and really look forward to the day I am off all this pain medication. It is unkind to seizure patients-and brings no joy like so many addicts think it will. Just shuts the brain off more than mine already is, from all 3 brain surgeries...
So that day of joy is coming. I just look forward to telling you all when it happens!
Til then, thank you precious Christian for taking great care of me--"There is no one like you!!!"

Bless you all!!

In His Arms,

Heather


Jeremiah 17:15 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise.

Romans 15:13 So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. may you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit

Home

My precious family-my 2nd home

I don't enjoy any hospital stays-even at Mayo Hospital with the most amazing neurologist God brought to practice. I am very gracious for him. He has been like an uncle almost to me. Very caring of me, my life, health, circumstances that could cause seizures such as my ex beating me... and always been very caring of my daughter and who he knew as even my husband to be way back in 2002. He has skills most neuros don't have--true care. And I will be gracious to God forever more. 

They decided to retry a medication at just a low dose I haven't been on since before my 2nd brain surgery. I had some bad reactions then-but I had a lot of pinned up stress that hadn't been "noticed" on my end until I looked back later in life. And it was due to the stress of no forgiveness to my ex I was going thru divorce with--for beating me. So maybe that pinned up stress I had back then, before my 2nd out of 3 brain surgeries caused the bad side effects on a high dose-we will try and see. Just know that the one that was great for me - for the most part- causes kidney pain in my bad kidney. All capsules kill my kidney-probably cause they open quicker than tablets. So all my meds have been changed to tablets-- we will see where God has me walking.

My neuro is very trustworthy and caring-and just saw in my face I missed my family. So he kindly asked if I was comfortable enough to go home today--I was so gracious for that offer of care!! It wasn't another brain surgery-just watching my seizures and my seizure active brain calm waaaay down by fourth morning. So I am home with my precious family that do truly love me and care about all that stress my brain and other health issues put them thru. But God knew what was going to be happening in my life-and prepped these two amazing soles on how to handle it with love, and not much stress. They do a fabulous job together and visiting me my dear husband Christian Siebens and daughter Tory Siebens.

My daughter has her own neurology doctor to see next week. And I know they are going to want to take her in for EEG video monitoring as well--the camera on us and recording our brain waves to see if and when they spike-what do we physically do? Was an amazing invention--very wise. I pray we can taper her off her medication. She has been doing perfect-and I don't want her in my shoes at my age. That is a daily big prayer of mine, personally. But God does have a purpose for everything. I've seen how all this has helped others find Jesus-my family helping others find Him while in the cafeteria there-or going up elevators etc..... He has a way to use us all--all for Him Glory, in many different ways. I know when I had friends having all my twitter/FB friends praying for my 3rd brain surgery--it helped people reach to Him also-or re-align their relationship with our Savior. So no matter what we go thru- you have to think twice how it can be affecting others-for His Glory. So we are to hang onto Him, our faith, and know His plans way out weigh our personal plans.

I know He has a reason for every thing. Great to change some medications- but I've also been talking to a dear friend of mine for a while about what she is selling. I am not one big on any pyramid sales- but she isn't like that. Sondra Verva just reaches out far and deep into peoples lives and what is effecting them, sits and visits with almost every single one-talking normal life talk Which helps lead to what is going on in the core of peoples lives-and what do they possibly need-natural from Jesus' day to help everything get back to "normal" or "naturally well." There are many issues medically with me--that it gets to a point I can't have additional brain surgeries after the 3rd one that was done awake... my kidney really will need to be taken out from being a bit of a struggling one my whole life-but years of medicine did not help. So I am, while still on my meds for now, going to give her products a go-and see the action over moths time. The headache ones were amazing-so I look forward to being a customer that is also a Christian friend of Sondra Verva in the company she sells for to help all illnesses see wellness.... company called doTerra  - look stuff up at www.everythingessential.me 

https://www.facebook.com/doterra

I love you all and thank God for all your cares and prayers. Praying for you all as well.... He is the ONE that works all the wonders.....

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

For my precious hubby who is my guardian - I'd be yours too if you had these health issues-- still your guardian thru life! Love you Christian!!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.