Feelings thru All

Great Feelings

Feelings can be so amazing. Full of love, laughter, joy, achievement... even some wellness when almost always suffering from one thing to another.

I went thru that 3rd brain surgery on fire for Jesus--seeing the door He opened thru amazing prayers. The surgery was amazing--having to be awake for it all so they didn't take too much, too close to some very BIG NEEDS--such as sight. I noticed when they were getting too close to my area for sight--all these odd flying white-electric like specs looked like sight was going-luckily I spoke up-gift from God. My language was going to be a little funky if I didn't speak up on another. Hearing was another we were careful on. My senses basically I was a watch over for those. But during it all-I had a weird, bodily pain-some seemed hot like many tests will make your body feel. So tough Heather-not connecting the surgery-brain-bodily pain together--didn't say a thing about it. Come on, the brain can't possibly cause body pain all over-can it? Later thru every illness test, reading up and talking to my docs about where my surgery was done this time-wasn't only my left temporal lobe-heck most of that was gone anyway. There were several other areas that we did the in depth electrode testing, marking the areas that were seizure prone-then testing them a tad thru surgery-but we didn't have much time to test long, the numbing medication wares off quick-as it did with me. My neurosurgeon asked if I wanted to continue-thru the head pain I was in? I, tough Heather, off course said "Yes!"
Once all was removed, mind you I never said a word about the intense pain in my body then. I did notice oddly in my left hand, I lost ability to move it. Was so odd. So we splinted it-and within 24 hours-movement returned. So, I never connected a thing.

After being down for a couple months with headaches following-I jumped up and was active like nothing occurred. I think my brain and body were both ready to shoot me. As for just following some workouts etc, my blood gave weird numbers at the beginning of the severe pain-- then went to normal, my blood--but my body was down for 2 3/4 years following that surgery!! Felt like God vanished. But I know He never did. It has always just been my course, as a late follower. I must remain much more in need and vocal about our Amazing Creator as I suffer, than when I am not. I see so many blessings more thru hard times, than I do as one chasing for personal needs/wants that do not include Jesus.

Last September after a mini stroke that I thought I'd never be able to speak after again--I was healed of that, and my awful body pain from feet to shoulders!!! I was really doing well end of last year--for about 3 months, then there was a change in seizure pattern.
They were totally controlled for half the year last year! I was driving, helping others in hospitals etc. Last month we attempted an add on medication that at times, for some time, worked well for me-until in time it made me very sick. Instantly when I went on it, I was down for the count - anemic, then got the flu/cold. Came off of that one slowly-and went thru some awful pain in my upper abdomen. No answers- but I was getting thru it. Until 2 days ago that I was hit with seizures that were different than my norm. I had three at night- I just don't have them, knowingly in my sleep. Then had 3 in the afternoon yesterday-and 3 today--worse part is, they are with non-stop auras--weird aggressive feelings in my throat I always got as a child right before they hit-or it just teases you to think it's gonna hit. So, it has been a tough week. Along with my precious hubby who is needed so much thru Jesus-and totally by us!! The world is never the same when he is down... granted the world seems normal when I am. Just does. But it doesn't change the love I have for Jesus--makes me love Him more for choosing, me, the late late follower of Him... in perfect timing for my amazing daughter to love Him SO EARLY-- and to fall for a man who loves Jesus, instead of wanted to leave one cause he did love Christ. What second chances we get!!

Yes, I have been a self pity, agitated, turn from God soul... only to really realize turning away worsens every part of us. Doesn't take much for me to turn away from that. I do pray for answers and healings, knowing His plan is The Plan-and I try my best not to alter it!!

I am blessed by all of you-your kindness, faith, joy, friendship forever.... know that is how I am always with everyone of you--even on my silent days!

May you always be blessed by His Grace and Merciful Love and feel it never-ending!

In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

Our Love from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

So Many Types of Love

So many types of love in amazing lives we live. Great portion of us know the dear love and forever bondage of our parents and us-no matter how they are parents. Whether biological, non, grandparents, aunts/uncles, adoptive etc. There are people who were moved and touched in life by elders that had them lead us the best they could.
I am ever so grateful for mine.
Overall family-siblings and extended family is a great love too. Some may drive us crazy at times, but overall-we have someone in relation that just makes us grin from ear to ear. Impacts our lives somewhere.
Some have not as close personal love for animals-but it is still self gratifying. Fills an emptiness with happiness. Still very good for our souls.
We have the very beautiful type of love-our loves for life, companion, best friend forever, good times and bad-God gave us the gifts of spouses. The beauty of a man, tough to defend yet intimate to love, be one with. The love of a woman, intimate, romantic and reliant upon their husbands. That is the most beautiful type of love He created our hearts and minds and bodies to be able to accomplish here on the earth. How so many of us make it thru life, and some thru day to day. I am ever so grateful to Jesus for guiding me to my love today. I always say, "There is no one like you, Christian!" I am even, thru all the hardship and abuse, grateful for my 1st husband-or I never would have had this beautiful young lady, yesterday my baby girl- Tory. I will always be gracious from afar, but in my heart.
Taking it to another level-- people who we don't even know, and they don't know us-yet the way they touched our lives, in a billion different ways- we love them for their impact. Example; My husband and I LOVE the band Lifehouse with Jason Wade as lead vocalist. His life story is gripping, and his words when applied right, can drench you full of tears. He hits the tender parts of the heart, and builds the strong. He, and the band had a HUGE impact on my life while searching for Jesus-even while in overdosing mode. Deeper I listened to sermons-the more his music made sense- lit up God in my heart. And now I have a bond with what they did for me in my life--wed down the aisle to his song "YOU and Me" ... and Everything. That changed my life-I am ever so grateful. Such a connection thru their music and my husband and I.
Here is the most amazing love. The leader of it all. The Creator of US ALL. Jesus Christ. He has had ultimate plans for each of us. Some we alter, take astray for our own free will choices. But He is always guiding us back to His road to get to the right place. So many can love bands-famous people that had some impact on them. But they never meet them. Unfortunate part is there are so many who will almost worship a band way before Jesus even though they don't know them, but they can physically see them. But in reality-the Bible carries way more of what was to come with Jesus in the Old Testament, and amazing endless words from our Lord in the New Testament. More words about and from Jesus, than I ever get to read from Jason. Something that was written so long ago-and is still selling forever copies and changing lives. To trust we have to use that heart we gave to everyone and everything all life-and if you haven't yet--give Jesus your whole heart-positively trusting Him--even for a month as you seek a Bible study-and try not to admit the One who Created you, also changed your heart as you seek Him daily. He is always there to listen, thru all times-does not take vacation. He is Everlasting.
I am grateful to Him for my family, friends, my cat, health I have left, my heart alive, and of course for the Band I saw tonight-Lifehouse. They did have a great impact on my life in music-and bonding love between Christian and I. But I thank Jesus for them--He had these souls planned to make a difference in lives--as He has you as well! When will we start allowing Him to mold us and reach someones life? No time better than now!

I thank Him for you all.... each of you impact my life as well...forever grateful.


In His Love,

Heather

Where I Come From- Lifehouse

The stars light the road
That’s bringing me back home
With beat-up dreams
Open eyes and broken wings

No matter how far
You’re always on my mind
I don’t know where you are
But somehow you always find me

So why am I feeling so alone
Looking back
You were the only one
And I feel so far from home
Wherever you are is where I come from

Have I lost control?
Was it ever mine?
I’m trying so hard to hold
On to my peace of mind

Through all of these years
At times you felt like a ghost
But you were here
When I needed you the most

So why am I feeling so alone
Looking back
You were the only one
And I feel so far from home
Wherever you are is where I come from
Wherever you are is where I come from

So why am I feeling so alone
Looking back
You were the only one
And I feel so far from home
Wherever you are is where I come from
Wherever you are is where I come from
Wherever you are is where I come from

Love for HIM-Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Blessed and Watched Over

Jesus was born to save. I was born to share that, yet so clueless for so long-of HIM-of His ever-lasting love. Most of us can't wake up to His Amazing Grace until knocked to our knees. Therefore I am forever grateful for His love, patience, mercy, grace-thru every step of life. Those I knew and could see it-all others I can look back, in awe of His presence thru every moment of my life... as for yours as well.

I see so clearly now His working in my life, and even thru me. How He touched many souls thru my suffering, pain, suffering. How He changed mine for His Good thru it all. Even when I was suffering and abused-it all drew me to find Him, love Him thru it all. I never turned my thoughts of His Truth-Only His-even when not saved. I was approached by so many of a few cults is my early years-yet had no part of me to wonder about any of their stories. I knew somewhere deep inside me, that He is the Only Way. Even when in deep denial - severe suffering- I still had this part of my heart that was pre-wired and saved to love Jesus, to save my eternal suffering.

He has radically changed my life. In faith and love. In my gift of openness came transparency of His Truth. The way He knew me and my plans in life while in my mother's womb. In every word of my denial came His Promise to me. I never knew before Him how little I was really in control of life. When first presented to Him came out my duplication almost of Saul-who later was talked to about why Saul was born... was for His Glory, and not Saul's selfishness and denial- He was born to change lives as Paul. He had the most radical change I could imagine. I am blessed He was willing to radically change me too-also for His Glory. I was able to see past my suffering, look beyond tragedy and know His plans are real and for ever lasting love-love beyond my comprehension.

So I may not comprehend all His purposes. but I know He has radical purposes; that even thru little me can change lives even outside of my own life. In fact, Christ has us all here for His Glory-and before others, thru everything. To make change in people's lives that we try to help guide and change; yet to be amazed at whose lives we change or impact thru Him, without knowledge of attempting to. Just living with the Holy Spirit wrapped around us to keep praising Him thru everything, and around everyone-without embarrassment of His Truth and how it affects our lives. We praise Him when well, or unwell. We raise our hands in true whole-hearted praise and worship-knowing He came to save and conquer-will return with that promise we share; and turn away from evil that makes us doubt. To accept blessings while sharing more than return blessings thru Him. To know His truth is real and never-ending.

My brain may be afflicted-challenge to have historical true words about His Truth; but a heart that can share His heart that loves us all without question. I am in awe how He was deep in my soul all my life-even all the years I knew nothing about Him. How He twists our deep denial into deep love for and thru Him.

He has walked with me my whole life-He is everlasting. He is our One True God who continues to change lives. I can see how changed I am thru Him in my walk. I am blessed to be able to bless others thru His Word. I am forever gracious... His mercy and grace is amazing-His Truth is such a life changing experience- I will forever be amazed. I will challenge myself daily to seek Him more-to reach out to others, to pray for others first-and to love Him and others more of myself and material things.

Forever so thankful for such changes forevermore, all for His Glory, Honor and Praise. I will continue to walk with YOU Jesus...

Bless you all.... share your story of How He changed you-- I will be just amazed more!!

In His Grip,

Heather

Philippians 3:20-21
But we are citizens of Heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for Him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like His own, using the same power with which He will bring everything under His control.

His Purpose

December usually is looked at as a very blessed month full of love, cheer, gifts, laughter, most of all; the Birth of Our One and Only Savior...Jesus Christ. The beauty of fresh snow in some places is exciting, cooler weather for AZ is a blessed miracle. Families having special, kind, time together in family is a true gift.
I am one odd one that has a birthday in December...ten days before Christ's birth-yet never found Him, or accepted Him until I was 26.... A decade ago! So the true meaning of Christmas is now in my heart, not just the gift giving in my brain.
I have a very big positive I pray about everyday; my pain has subsided most all the time, seizures controlled, out living life again. But that was a long long 12 years. But worth each form of agony: I found my Lord and Savior who was there thru my whole life, married the man of my life He blessed me with after such abusive chaos with my ex. All in perfect time for our kid Tory, to see and accept Christian as her real dad. A work of God.
Decembers can be very busy, very stressful with all that has to be accomplished, and time you have to be at Christmas events in jam packed traffic. Some drivers just think about all to do, what's been done, that taking an illegal turn on freeways happen too often this month. Elders who are loved ones become more depressed because they don't have that same ability to celebrate and decorate nearly as much as they did. Has a tendency to invite certain illnesses their way ...even though they are truly loved as much as ever. It is just hard to not present or enjoy it as before.
Today was my 36th birthday. Two months I've been pain free. Now THAT is a celebration.
But then I recall back in Dec 16, 2009, I lost a very precious friend from this earth. No longer get to visit him weekly for hours of amazing in depth conversation. Jason Mitchner had so many gifts from God-overseeing his obstacles. He inspired me...and still does. I talk to Him in beautiful Heaven when I need to hear or feel from him. I was blessed with such a touching relationship. He kept faith alive. Wrote music and devotionals. Straightened me out about the more time we are here on earth-the more we could bring to Christ. Amazing!!! He always talked about the date of my birthday... so I know he hung on for that. I went up the 17th with a Christmas gift-an ornament so beautiful-I had one to light up too and match--then news was coming out. He was no longer in his room he was in for years. No one legally could tell me what went on-but the nurse I knew well. So in my tears, she stood outside waiting for me to be able to tell me. I cried, I hugged her-and gave her his gift in love. What a friend he is.
Now..I am thrilled that my inspiring friend hears and comforts me... Along with other angels, and foremost Christ.
Which I therefore thank Jesus for having family members tell me what went on with my cousin in law. I never met her. This was going to be the way to meet her. In ICU, barely out of coma. Not long after... She was moved to an inpatient physical/occupational/speech therapy location. I've been so blessed to grow closer to her as a friend, cousin, one with medical similarities. I am gracious to God He had His hand on me tight thru struggles when I was a non believer....but God has His plans and timing. Same for Jason-with all he did to share His word while suffering greatly-Jesus called for Him. Now he is dancing-no longer paralyzed. And I watch how He is touching hearts and changing souls thru dear Kim. Gifts she gives us before, during and after. When healed, I see her making it to the aftermath and touching lives known, and unknown!
Kim has made amazing progress that has gripped my heart tight. I thank God for being with her thru it all...and never letting go! With Kim, I couldn't see one soul let go of a miracle lady such as herself. Her family is amazing and full of blessings and love thru their dear mom, and dear dad. This is when you see how important family ties are.
Both Kim and Christians grandma Oachs (who is my grandma to me also) went thru the fearful look of a stroke, or perhaps small type of stroke that I had in September. We were almost exact in what we went thru. But it only took grandma 24 hours to regain knowledge, and most words. Will probably go to an in patient place to make sure everything is completely in tact and healing. Praise God....such a wonderful woman I love!
I sure pray for my Grandma Jensen's health to get better, not let depression have her exit. I'll visit this week to see progress.
I praise God for hearing our cries for Kim-placing her on the road to healing. Thanking all who show up to root her on! She is so positive... My heart loves her so dearly. Thanking her family to let me be part of the support team, full of love, even though I was the "lost" in-law. I was lost....thru Jesus and Kim, I'm now found!
Thank You dear Jesus for all these precious souls in my life. Praying strength in family members. I love you all....
I miss you Jason...but know how blessed you are...we will always talk til we see one another in Heaven!

Love to all, all healthy, all suffering....God hears all cries!

In His Grip,
Heather

That Day Will Come from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 Have you never heard?
    Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
    No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
 He gives power to the weak
    and strength to the powerless.
 Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.
 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

Psalm 66:20
Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

Psalm 66:19
But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer.

Blessed Beyond

It takes very tough times for us to really be able to look at all going on and see any purpose-and reach tighter than ever in our lives for His comfort to see us thru. Too many of us turn away from Him...our time period was way shorter, more appealing, and we don't understand why He'd allow such tough times in our lives if He unconditionally loves us, always.
He works all out for good....and I know that is true; if we are willing to hang onto Him-give Him our Trust on His timing and all we have to bare.
I've been thru so many very tough times just prior me running for Him, yet so much that kept worsening over the years; even when I accepted Jesus as my Savior, my Everything. But the severe body pain all over my body that began in 2010- is the worst ever for me. My pain wasn't controllable non medicated, medicated, or any mind over matter. My severe pain hit end of March in 2010, just a few weeks after my awake, 3rd brain surgery. It was so scary due to the severity, and to think I take on pain like it doesn't exist. But this one more than took me down.
But everyone's thought of one month, two, maybe three...ok Heather maybe half a year til it subsides. While trying every medication and being prescribed so many severe pain meds in addition to muscle pain meds. I had every test for every illness...coming back with nothing but thought of where my brain was cut, it could be just trying to heal that pain control section, over months-then in reality just a few months shy of 3 years in severe pain.
I felt like nobody, nothing...except in a very tough life for way too long for me to be anything I was and am to be.
I have seen quite the number of specialists from AZ to PA. But in Philly I was radically over medicated...so we didn't know if any of the meds worked alone. But my doctor saw my misery and didn't know the answer either, but sure tried.
I decided to come off my strong patch...as for if I was far from pain free at a high dose, then why should I burn my brain anymore if not needed. I was off of everything else....and down to half of that patch ...my doctor today helped me get off that patch completely.
We tried a few muscle relaxants...including the first one that thru me into ICU with loss of verbal knowledge and use...then was dragged into full body paralyzation for hours. Over all, that was very scary...was over two days no verbal skills or knowledge.
That was September of this year. I went thru trying 2 more muscle relaxants, none worked right. So one day we went in to talk about what to do. My doc was frustrated and concerned about many meds causing seizures. I was just in tears and needed something to help such excruciating pain ...and felt like my prayers weren't heard. He was right there with His plans.
Cause I can tell you all today, which started with a new/ old muscle relaxant ...He has healed me. I asked for a day of it, maybe a week...but it's been about 2 months that I've been pain free. It has changed my life completely....and learned so much thru it all.

So today I share this, telling others healing isn't only when you reach Heaven...His is very popular, well known, utterly amazing at what He does down here before Heaven. Never fear sharing!
If pain returns, I know He has reason...like Paul from the Bible with the thorn in His side-God had reasons then, He hasn't forgotten us!!
Praise His Heart and Name!
Thank you all for your prayer
In His Love,

Hetty

Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know how You ever got me into this world
I don't get who was chosen for who
I don't get how You watched over me thru all my years of seizures
I don't get why I was ridden with epilepsy, or how
I don't get why my heart seemed so much more sensitive than parents
I don't get why parents never could show or teach love
I don't get how I could and ran off to marry at 19 to feel some sort love
I don't get why I never could seek You, out of spite toward my ex
I don't get how I flowed in and out of love with many, but returning to my ex
I don't get how while You were showing me "signs" of You, I just couldn't wake up
I don't get how I could roll my tiny Tercel 3 times the freeway, car totaled, and walk away with a faint thanks to "whatever" God, and so upset same time my 10 disc changer was run over by CHP....so selfish
I don't get why my ex and I kept breaking and making up...leading to what we thought was our last break up, in friendship, over dinner with wine...I conceived my, My precious Tory that night
I don't get why my seizures had to go on overdrive, leading to very high toxic prescribed doses of Phenobarbital
I don't get why my ex tried to put any time in, when he was against it all from the start
I don't get how he ever could have wanted an abortion, not see it as a sign from God- Whom he grew up learning about.
I don't get how he was full of rage enough to beat me up two months after 1st brain surgery...
I don't get why I had to keep overdosing to numb my pain
I don't get why I ever had the gut feeling to find You, during my overdosing days
I don't get how You singled me out from my family to be the ONE to search and find You.
I don't get, as I was seeking You, how I could still be loved unconditionally thru all the drama I brought in
I don't get how You heard my cry before the pumping of my stomach and coma hit...and You kept me perfectly well and alive thru You when I woke.
I don't get how many hospitalizations I've been thru ... 3 of them brain surgeries...yet my local parents couldn't come to see me, my dad came about twice in 12 years, over 30 hospitalizations
I don't get how my girl, when she was a baby, she knew exactly how gentle she had to be to me, due to my wrapped head throbbing from first brain surgery, her arms just slowly wrapped around my legs with eyes of love and healing.
I don't get how my parents can just let her out of their ignorant lives.
I don't get how I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me, mostly, beating me
I don't get how WE are the center of our lives
I don't get how I am the chosen one of both sides of the family, to find YOU, and make it known
I don't understand why all sides of my family reject you
I don't get who will ever awaken some one
I don't understand how parents can be so selfish
I don't get how my parents can totally separate from me, so many times, til completely....
I don't get all the struggles they endure and shake their fists for years on end, instead of trying to let You in...
I don't get how I was blessed with the best husband ever, by a past friend a long time before we somehow both knew.
I don't get Kim's accident....it hurts my heart...

But as I say all this in deep down truth and question...I lay it back on Your feet...cause You are our Creator, the One True God, The Alpha and Omega, Spring of Life, Emmanuel, The Holy One, my Best Friend, One and Only One with unconditional love for me, my family, families family and friends, Kim, Troy, my parents.... Everyone suffering knowing and accepting You...and amazing the love and concern You have on those who don't know You still. Isn't a toll to pay for Your Love and concern....but Your accepting us is already done, getting to Heaven we have to know how to truly accept. We may never know exactly Your plans, but we are to pray for You to lead us Your way thru them while our hearts, souls, minds recognize the plans You are placing in our lives, in Your Will. We may not understand tough or tragic times, but we are to take all troubles, fear, suffering etc-and give it all to You to take off us as we remain faithful in You every step. If we ever doubt, You fill us with the Holy Spirit that reminds us of all you did, have done, will do... The only way we are complete is when we surrender ourselves to You, giving up everything You say or bring, pick up our cross and carry it, thrilled to share every part of You, and our lives pertaining to You. You changed me forever, I am every so grateful.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Love and Laughter

My Funky Paint Design

You and I are such an interesting pair

Siblings who've gone thru everything

I think God was guiding us to care

You grew up so fast

yet I was right there

not caring if I was last

Cause I knew one day you'd run to me

we may argue a tad some here and there

but our ignorance in heart we told to flee

My brain was resected a 3rd time awake.

Your nerves were on edge;

thru the hours you'd take

I came out elated looking for dear you

your voice was so calm

seeing I again made it thru

But afterward a dark storm drifted all around

you, my brother studied my pain

talked to me about everything you had found

For years you stuck by me in my own home

helping me selflessly 

allowing me not to be alone

Years of prayers and the hope you had

my pain had calmed down

wasn't nearly as bad

Thru all you helped me turn back to our King

the start of your new faith was alive

I thank you for the love you have been giving

I'm grateful for the relationship we have seen grow

one I've wanted for quite some time

full of love and laughter, the "we" love to show

Just realize now Troy, I won't let you go

amazing uncle you are, best brother I take

Many can't believe us, say we put on a show

But I x (cross) them out as any focus in life

see the blessings we've been given

won't let our relationship turn to any strife

A Bit of Us from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Love you for everything Troy.... thank you... see you day after tomorrow!!! You are my pick up this time!!!  :) remember 99??  :)

((HUGS))

Header Peader  (Heather)

May You Dance

Jason......

Can you hear my deep words crackling

when I really try to pray?

I just feel so sad and distant

as you were gone that December day

We would talk so long forever,

I sure hope you miss me too

We had hopes and dreams we never

Had time to fully see them thru

You and I sat talking

'bout how life's so worth living.

You'd cry about not walking

Yet you were gifted and so giving.

The talents you had we're amazing

I was in awe of all you'd did and do

Thru Him you'd keep on soaring.

Half the time it was YOU who really flew

I'll just lay down in that flood

Keep asking why for a while?

As rain changes dirt into mud;

I'll be buried alive for a mile.

Alive I am today dear friend

But alive today you're not

Great friend please help me mend

You're such a blessed friend I've got

You were hit with many issues

That just wouldn't go away

Everyday, I sure do miss you

True soul for Christ, every single day

You lived each day like last for you

Keeping my faith alive inside

I pray you know all this is true

Thru God you sure help Him guide

One day I'll make it there and see you in a glance

Our Lord will be the first One along with you that I'll see

Knowing you, You'll start music up along with a dance

Our friends & family thrilled to dance along with you and me

Friendships are for ever Jason...

Blessings always to Jason Mitchener ...passed away 3 yrs ago Des 16... He made it thru my birthday December 15th.... I took little Christmas gift to give to him when I got there evening of Dec 17, 2009.... Always to be missed till we reconnect with Heaven

Dear Master's Love

The Lord will truly dance for you Kim

Even when all may seem so dim

In my heart I know this is true

With all my love from me to you

You may feel held back unable to speak

Can't move your body, all seems so bleak

But our God has amazing plans and love

Just rest in His arms as He works from above

I've known you, my cousin a very short time

But your eyes were so fierce preparing to shine

I can't wait to meet again and hug you too

As our Good Lord graciously sees you thru

Your beauty thru pain will change many lives

Keep others walk with Jesus more than alive

We see your love deep inside your soul

You help family reunite with your love a flow

We stand in awe of our Dear Master's love

You're a precious gift from Him up above.

Planned for you long ago before ever born

You will make it thru all, as we clap, not mourn

My cousin you are, made me recollect past

Be so grateful to God I'm here, it didn't last

Keep fighting the fight with your "arms open wide"

Cause our Lord has planned a successful stride

Don't count the days, take them one at a time

You my dear friend are going to be just fine

Your family awaits your arrival more than real soon

All will hug you thru the night, saying "I sure love you"

Bless you thru this unplanned fight

For our Lord holds onto you tight

Because He heals & loves you too

There isn't anything to God that is new.

He does all things well... As do you Kim....

We sure love you...

The Siebens

by Heather Siebens 11/3/12

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hope in an Angel

Angel Somewhere

It doesn't feel like you could paste a fake smile on my face

With all I've conquered you'd think I'd have one to embrace

But once again things turn around

And instead it feels I'm tumbling down

My shattered feelings can look 'no one in the face no more

As for I'm out of touch in life; what is this craziness for?

Down deep the roaring Lions have fiercely cut right out of me

The perturbed parts of my brain which wouldn't let me be 

Am I ever gonna make it out?

When can I make sense and show it?

When can I feel the true me will fit?

When can I get thru the wrong to see the right?

Can you see me barely living morning to night?

Where am I at, on this tough, winding road?

I see so much bright & beautiful beyond my overload

Is that baby blue sky falling ? Or the troubled earth just rising?

I keep rubbing my eyes to see if this is real or just haunting?

I think all see this tragedy isn't my place in life to be

Living thru answered prayers that turned into catastrophe

As if good is really evil and evil is Devine

Then why did I have a heart to set on His Line?

Time keeps loudly screaming, I keep silently staring

Deep in my soul there's something I just shouldn't be bearing

Cause I shouldn't have to be lost long in order just to find

A piece of me so grey and silent with very little in my mind

When can I make sense and show it?

When can I feel the true me will fit?

When can I get thru the wrong to see the right?

Can you see me barely living morning to night?

I don't know how long this fragile moment will take

Feels like my heart is damaged putting all my love at stake

Go back to and be that angel many saw in you

'Heather the angel' , girl, you have a lot to do

But today is a grey day that won't lead me to thrive

Yes I hear a faint tick in my heart and know that I'm alive

But today isn't the day I change, probably not tomorrow

All around me seems so deep and far, not dark in my sorrow

Sooner or later as I walk on this thin rope

I'll turn to ask myself if I have any ounce of hope

If I have hope, maybe this monkey will be set free 

To come down from that rope, far down to find the true me

I'll hang on as this desert sun goes down

I'll think of Pennsylvania never coming back 'round

Everything I saw will always be in my head

Nothing's changed much, my brain is frozen instead

Hetty Siebens

Cycles

I deserved a little more

More than rage and slamming doors

Could sit by the bright orange sun, watch it disappear

You'd rant and rave to shake me, but was you that had the fear

You threw things in spite when I didn't agree

Deep down you knew the strength in me

Your chopping me down never got you far

As I began to leave, you tried attacking my car

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?

How many cycles did we keep breaking down?

It led to disaster of me and you...

It's been a long time that we've been thru...

Never would I go back to you...

You could use puppets to tell me your lies

But that's the fake life I see in your eyes

I'm never ever gonna think twice bout' you

Living dreams out with my family is what I'll do

Your mind never could focus straight

Why would I stay with one full of hate?

So much hate in your deep soul

That made me pay such a toll

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?

How many cycles did we keep breaking down?

It led to disaster of me and you...

It's been a long time that we've been thru...

Never would I go back to you..

Or let you touch me again, be close to me

If only your devilish eyes could see

Those days we had are more than thru

With careless choices you continued to do

A courteous reminder with your consciousness in tact

Fear truth would leek out to your ex daughter ...is a fact

Actions just don't flee, you can't hide them from a soul

Your bleak love in your life chose to let her go

She slipped into this world from a soul of hatred and abuse

But the beauty my daughter carries on did not come from you

Cry each day of remorse on the choices of your coarse

But never again come looking for us, not a thing you can force.

I had to write a poem like I was living in yesterday. Oddly enough, we got thru it, and forgave after 4 yrs... But sadly after he remarried a young girl of jealousy, she was pregnant and demanded they part. Was sad...but a Jesus calling for Tory's heart and her amazing dad, my husband today...she's had since 1 1/2... He works wonders....

Blessings all....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:N Plymouth Ct,Gilbert,United States

Savin' Me

His Savin' me wasn't just luck

Wasn't His choice thru the muck

His plans were brilliant, blazing on fire

On fire for Him thru disastrous mire

He was always there the days I didn't believe

Believe of a heaven or Him took long to achieve

I denied Him for selfish reasons, that all pertained to me

His heaven I'd mock was not like mine that I'd rather see

My heaven then, so determined I'd say

Consisted of packed freeways, backed up all day

My "place" had beaches, radio and smog

Not then did I see The Truth, living in my own fog

Many tragedies shook me hard and emotionally deep

But I didn't know my God would chose me one to keep

I rolled my tiny car three times back in 99'

Doing all the wrong but I stepped out just fine

Thanked "whoever" was out there for my catastrophe

I gathered my love for California, drove to the blue sea

Still in my heart was selfishness, against to better things

Against the good, for the odds, the odds lovers would bring

But thru the years that followed

I was hit hard and just wallowed

In self pity and remorse

My ex held me down in force

He just shook and quivered

Knowing the pain to be delivered

His heart turned colder; shutting our kids feelings out

Then one fist to another, he beat me til' I'd shout

That day began the change of me

Confused, overdosing, I bent on my knees

Pleading to who I heard about a long time ago

To love and accept my failures so that I could show

Show how amazing life can be

Living thru tough times able to see

The amazing work He has done all my blessed life

Guiding me not to pop more pills, or ever use a knife

Showed me which road was the only and the best

If troubled times came, turn to Him for some rest

He would take my tragic times that were deep in my soul

He'd take it on with trust and love, with True Heaven my true goal

He changed my life completely, answered so many deep prayers

My Lord is with me always full of love, fighting Satan with all dares

My child praised Him very young, while I was still seeking His love

He placed my angel in my life for love and to seek Him up Above

My light is flaming Lord,

Flaming just for You

My life is flaming dear Jesus

Not one could take me from You

Praise you today!

Praise you tomorrow!

Praise you still thru any sorrow!

You're full of faithfulness, love and peace

Again I will repeat...

You're full of faithfulness, love and amazing peace

A love so alive and patient, a love that will not cease

So I close with You to say

You never leave me astray

Hard times aren't in Your plans

Your filled with Your Will; not with mans

Thank You for fighting for me too

As many in this life often won't do

Holding me close, hugging me tight

You never let me out of Your sight

Thank you Jesus....

Heather Siebens, 2012

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My Love Letter

You're still here precious

Even when I may distress 

Everything in my life

Both amazing or full of strife

You're still my rock, still my soul

When I'm negative and letting go...

Letting go of all my good...

Turning around when I know I should...

I should reach out my arms and cry to you

Tell you my feelings, not just the few I do

I chase after God with you in my heart

How can one let it get so far?

Strife will never go far

Never flee away from doubt

Strife will never go far

With the love I couldn't live without

It Will Never Go Far

You are my love

You fill me full of it

You are my love, MY love

Never will we quit

You though dear, see my good and bad

My negative in life I never knew I had

You see my soul inside, in love with my light and dark

You see thru it all, forgiving without giving it a mark

I can be most happy, sad, or even just loss of zest

Hard times made life edgy, attacking much of my best

The best husband in my life who never thinks to resign

You always say "we will over come, precious, you are mine"

I may sulk in the dark feeling all is on MY plate

But you, precious one, remind me it's never too late

Too late to give it back to God and know He has good plans

Plans of good not of evil, no matter how many times I ran

You bring out my glee

No matter what's wrong with me

You turn it around for the good to be found

The good I myself find in you is profound

May we both live life thru each others place

Both live thru changes, heartaches, all thru His Grace

Yes, you see my dark, you love my light

You bless my love, thru His love so bright

May we be ONE here on earth and in the realms Above

From beginning to end with all, Christ is filled with LOVE

With His extraordinary love and peace; my worries are few

Praising our Creator for all He does and will do

I truly praise Jesus with all my heart

I never want to grumble as I did at start

I know thru all trials, blessed by you thru Him I'll shine

You're the only one I truly desire, You thru God are only mine

So bless you in return from my soul

Bless you in return

Bless your courage

Bless your strength

Bless your work I've tried to brake

Bless your love

Bless your passion

Bless your patience

Bless your prayers of persistence

There is no one like you on this earth

And I say to you again;

As a daddy and a husband when we hurt

You thru our God are always there to mend

I will always love you Christian Siebens....always thru thick and thin!

Love,

Your moody but loving wife...

Thanks for handling this road....all my brain surgeries you gripped so tight, all my phenobarbital overdosings you helped me make it thru- so we could make it thru....thru convulsions or regular seizures you hung on...my loss of language and paralyzation (temporary) last month, you put up a fight...and can claim victory my love...as we walk thru my pain, you say you know it will go away for good....thru my families lack of love, you give me your family and support.....

I love you sweetie....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hurt, Love, Friends, Family, Trials-JESUS

We all need to learn to give love, need to learn to receive...for if we are against each one, our life together will not breathe. ~Part of a poem of mine from 2004....

There are several things Satan wants me to give up on... Jesus, faith, love, health, family, friends, forgiveness, restoration ....

Most of these can be haunting. When you become a true hearted Christ follower...you have to be armed in a form of love. But what if something atrocious hit you? Many ways of looking at that.
My ex began cheating on me first yr of marriage. But what had us end was his physical abuse to me 6 1/2 yrs into it, we had a million break ups and files cancelled for divorce. But then, I had just gone thru my first brain resection and we had a one yr old sleeping soundly in her crib. This wasn't going to continue. Later after that ...major life threatening actions occurred while all of a sudden searching for Christ-He spoke to me saying just before I hit coma that I would return, but it wasn't my time...to keep pressing on in His love. I woke up a different person.

But here is the tough part internally... My parents grew further and further from me, as for they refuse to open their hearts and feel their failures are embarrassing instead of human. The last decade has been tough. I've gone thru very tough medical issues, they would have nothing to do with; whether it was overdosing to numb the abused pain they didn't believe yet,,, or grand mal, status epilepticus seizures, or two more brain surgeries. They wouldn't come. They distanced BIG before we moved to Philly...never calling or texting me once for over two years. But we returned in January, and we drove down to see them twice...and that was the end. I got a text this past Friday saying so.
Now ironically, that happened on my 5th day of my body being pain free, and taking care of my daughter on my own as Christian was out of town, business. That message just blew me up. In tears....then turned to anger....I'm hoping for numbness.... Then forgiveness to move on.
I sit and tell myself He has reason for everything ... Just give it time...but I have given this over 10 years.... Have a gut feeling time for me isn't on their agenda.
But I'll deep down always love them. I was never material, just needed love. But where they are in life, they cannot show that...to me, nor their only grand kid, Tory.

Day after this one of my best friends and I bumped heads. I still feel the same way, hurt while I emailed her....but hurt more she took as a jab. I just speak reality. So I am sorry to that soul if it hurt that much...to not call in return to figure it out and just drop me from all social media. I don't do that, won't do that....as for Jesus wouldn't. I will love her just the same. Given emails sometimes are heard differently than how they would be spoken verbally...sorry, I verbally was struggling with my parents downfall to hold it all in full sentence. So if I hurt you aside of truth, it came from my crushed heart from reaction to my parents. I can be very aggressive, and friend, we both know you are delicate...but that is a gift from Jesus. Keep it.

So even with all this chaos, my legs and arms are in basically zero pain for the first time since that brain surgery in 2010. So lesser the likelihood of my having the corpus colostomy done ( split of both hemispheres of the brain to stop the one side telling the other I am in utter pain) ... At least right now it's under control..and the other is on the back burner.

I am an odd soul who listens to music that relates to my pain...I am a much stronger Christian than last years chaos, but the music lets me know, as well as I know, I'm not alone in this mess. My faith music will return very very soon....I feel much more at ease. The parent thing just has taken a couple days to file away for now.
And I love all who hate me (not many thank God)....and love all you who love me.... Mostly, I am in deep love with Jesus Christ...thru everything.
God bless you all...in your walks, thru strife, thru blessings, thru it all we are so loved by our Creator.....and He won't let you go, if He hasn't me!

In His Love,
Heather


"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but YOURS be done." Luke 22:42

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Psalm 124:8


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:E Chesapeake Dr,Gilbert,United States

I must say goodbye...

I must say goodbye...

Today I must just say good-bye...

Even though my sad heart tried..

To make this better, thru all draw close...

But instead you just fed me your life's dose...

Your life's dose of self-pity, sorrow and hate...

You both think your lives should always be great...

Yet God has His reasons all was taken from you...

But you don't pray to Him, you're just obviously thru...

God has unconditional love that you'll never understand...

Unless one day you become humble and take His strong hand...

And walk with Jesus thru every path planned...

Instead of shaking your fist as you sink in the sand...

Life is too short, too precious to be bitter...

Too precious to throw bad words out like atrocious litter...

All are given one life to live, one to love...

It is an amazing gift, particular plan from God above...

But if you just sulk on your own despair ...

You'll forget the troubles that remain out there...

Instead of feeding one that has been starving thru life...

Many sulk in their own self pity, despair, and unfair strife...

You hold grudges on family you're to love forever...

Busy angry at the world, at God and want to sever...

Sever all love you gave as well as received...

Sever all love in the family that is new and in need...

Young ones know more about lack of it than you think...

And it hurts her precious heart, my daughter, our only link...

None of us are perfect at how to love and forgive...

But I know you two, mom and dad, won't do either as long as you live...

Both your hard hearts are made of stone...

Thru all self pity ya'll just wish to be alone...

So you set aside your family, the ones you two created...

Set them far aside in your lives that you feel are jaded...

Your life will not get better on this road;

Gods plans are amazing but for you an overload...

Then only when your heart opens up...

Will Christ ever hand you His Cup...

Which is filled with love, plans, faith and hope...

A whole different view that won't let you mope...

Cause God has wonderful plans for all...

It's just will you let yourself gain or fall...

Fall down into a trap of hatred and despair...

Where you think nothing in your life is even close to fair...

Well Christ is the only True God who died for us...

As tortured He was, He thru no fits and never did fuss...

You all block Him out of your lives even when His love is CLEAR...

But He;s saddened you shun all the love from Him and souls that are near...

We are given one chance, one life to live and love...

Where do you want to end up after life ; hell or Heaven up above?

Open your hearts and move on with His gift of breath...

His purpose is still here for you, not the option of death...

He has purpose for you both, at once one was to love Tory...

But looks like that is not your desire; you all make it seem gory

Find your life, passion and love...

Pray for meaningful things for each other...

Look to God above ...

God's given job was to be a father & mother...

Turn away from the dark, look into the light...

As for that will get you thru morning, day and night...

Don't hold grudges-as for they will make you sick...

Remember Gods timing of life will vanish in a tick...

So make the right choices...

And hold on tight...

When you know God hears your voices...

And is telling you everything will be all right.

How Should We Be from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

By the estranged unplanned daughter of the Jensen's,

H.Siebens

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone