Precious Hubby

My Humble Hotty

For all that know who my Hotty is, you know why I can make a video or write to talk about and express the love of this man-from this man-to this man, Christian Siebens. My soul mate. My husband thru thick and thin. This picture was used to show you, we can smile even in the non-glamourous times-with all praise to our Lord, Jesus Christ for blessing us with each other.

He is a very different man. Very humble. Quiet until the conversation gets rolling and it is a subject of his. Most kind soul ever who places his whole life in the middle of our family to be able to circulate, watch and make sure everything and everyone is ok. And when things are rocky in my health department, he takes care of it one way or another.

We are far from perfect. The last two years have been tough with me extremely ill, and him, with his dream but very tough job-very draining. So we had to set up a whole new plan for 2012. This man, for us, for me-my health and lack of good doctors in Philly-confronted his boss and told him we HAD to return to Phoenix, for his wife's health, his sanity. My kidney is going to have to be taken out sooner than later, and I want that done by my professional doctor who cares at Mayo Hospital in Phoenix. The weather out there was making my body pain that came from my 3rd brain surgery SO MUCH WORSE. We needed warmth. I was living in hot baths-sometimes though in so much pain, I couldn't get out on my own. I am only 35.

This man was placed before me by a dear friend I met back in 1998--who I looked up to cause that gentleman had the perfect life, perfect marriage. Years I asked him how-cause my 1st one wasn't it. Were blessed with my daughter Tory-who is now Christian's daughter too. But my ex and I never meshed, just fought. After all the scars from him-began my search for the answer to life-Jesus Christ. I knew Christian knew about Him-I wanted to learn more.

He is how we are still a "we" today. With a fire that blazes for each other. No matter the obstacle we know Christ will get us thru-as we grow tighter to HIM!! He made a perfect man for me-who I couldn't possibly love anymore than I do now!! Forever and ever AMEN!! 

We all have a plan out there--don't spit your fire out... wait for that someone or something He has planned to have it blazing!! Love is forever-more!! 

This is for him... dear Christian. I oddly did not pick a Christian song tonight-it is Alanis right to the point on LOVE and how the other accepts all flaws of the other half... with that I have many!!

I love you Christian!!! 

The song is not a Christian song, but it has words and meaning that are just so true in my life--with all I go thru medically, surely puts enough weight on my precious hubbies back to want to tumble over--but HE IS MY EVERYTHING HERE!!! I am blessed!

Colossians 3:12-14 

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I love you, forever-more Christian Siebens.

Love in Christ,

Heather

Let's Grow Old.....

Let's Grow Old... for Christian Siebens 7/4/04

I've got great dedication

to the best man there is

life sure seems it's ending

on a vast burning bridge

For it just may seem impossible

but you need to hold on tight

that bridge that feels it's coming down

could be the one that gives us light!

Just look beyond all our problems

look toward the coming years

for I'm tired of waiting for flawlessness

continuing that would cause me tears

The world is full of emptiness

if it doesn't contain love

It captured us and held us close

we were guided from above

We all need to learn to give love

need to learn to receive

for if our love doesn't have both

our life together will not breathe

We need passion

We need faith

We need commitment

but for God's dear sake...

We need each other's hand

down every winding road

life's weather can get harsh

and fearful stories could be told

We have to stay strong

do not collapse, do not fold

for you and I are worth it all

we're both fearless, we're both bold

So much in my life, broke my heart

but meeting you, put me back at start

a new breath of life, which starts a new living

full of sweet love and excitement we're giving

So hold on tight with me now

For I can't wait to mold

you quench my thirst as we are young

We'll hold strong while we grow old

I love you so precious one!!!

Love,

Hetty

With you.... dear Christian Siebens.... every day is FOREVER!!

My letter of tears to Dear Hubby....

My Love .....

  I love you with all of my heart, yesterday, today, if tomorrow comes and so on. You are my air. Thank you Jesus for giving us this time, even if it is always thru my illness... no other couple is blessed like this-and I praise you!  

Precious One:

I Love you my precious one....

You are a new gift to me, every day.... and even though I am a bitch.... I truly thank Jesus for you every day!!!! Truly, never a day goes by without my love in my heart turning back to our kiss on October 6, 2007, and thanking Him deeply for you!!! You are special in so many ways... ways that I really couldn't imagine one other man being anywhere close to similar. I am not quite sure where Christ thought I was one that was ever worth Him.... but then, let alone a life with the most perfect man that this world could ever have and actually more than that, and save you for someone like me thru a friend like Stauffer of all people. Seriously, two quite the sinners led me out of disaster.... that I was far from perfect in that marriage anyway.... and He took me into HIS arms, giving me more than 2nd chances and a life after death!!! But thru my struggles searching on how to hang onto Him, He led me to fall deeply in love with you, and you only. And I swore, if you wouldn't marry me---which I swore WOULD NOT HAPPEN.... I WAS DETERMINED!!!!!--- but had you just moved on... I swear to you, if I ever ever EVER got married after that destruction.... I would be like 65 if I ever DID get married outside of your perfect self. Cause I knew you were and are my soul mate. The one, and only ONE that God truly had planned for me to marry, one way or another. And when we do go to Heaven, you'll get more than an ear full of how many thanks and praises I bored poor Jesus with over and over with about the same subject.... You & Me.... 2  are 1.... forever, thru everything and everyone.... forever, and everything He has planned!!! I love you to never ending love.... to no restrictions.... just love that is pure, thru Christ, prior our births planned.... and being conquered..... and a story to be told. This is the most important part of my life, that I will love and live forever, with you, as one.... ONE.

Please read this, than re-read this... knowing I had tears first while typing.... then as I type here, I had pure joy... even though I know I am about to be in trouble with you.... for being WAAAAY too late to bed. But I had to type these words to you. I am not sure. I don't think I am dying tonight. I just really felt this on my heart. And what is left of my brain!!!! HAHA!!

Christian Charles Siebens, Know you are my one and only.... yesterday.... today, tomorrow.... forever and after. And I look forward to every moment with you... every breath... every tear... every laugh.... every fight I win...  :)  (Just kidding.... seriously....)  One day, I want to renew our vows again... and then again.... and again..... Never stop that.... cause we never stop growing together thru Christ!!!

I am so proud of you.... who you are, what you know, what you do.... how you do it..... You just marvel me.... my brain goes round in circles trying to study the amazing man you are, and all you do in this life. You amaze me---and so many. But I am the only one who can say, this man is so wonderful, so sweet, he has such a sweet personality, and the most awesome snore at night that soothes me now to sleep!!!  :) But that man, and all of his fame, is all mine... no one else's --except our precious kiddo whom he will, one day walk down the aisle....

I love you. I thank you. But I praise Jesus for you. You'll never quite understand, but this is me.

Love always for, and in you,

Hetty

Who is HE?

"I am far beyond BLESSED!"

Isaiah 53:1-11

1 Who has believed our message

   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,

   and like a root out of dry ground.

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,

   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,

   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.

Like one from whom people hide their faces

   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

 4 Surely he took up our pain

   and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

   stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,

   he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him,

   and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

   each of us has turned to our own way;

and the LORD has laid on him

   the iniquity of us all.

 7 He was oppressed and afflicted,

   yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

   and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,

   so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.

   Yet who of his generation protested?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

   for the transgression of my people he was punished.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

   and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

   nor was any deceit in his mouth.

 10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

   and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

   and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After he has suffered,

   he will see the light of life and be satisfied;

by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,

   and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,

   and he will divide the spoils with the strong,

because he poured out his life unto death,

   and was numbered with the transgressors.

For he bore the sin of many,

   and made intercession for the transgressors.

When I first heard this whole chapter, I had tears rolling for the description of the pain and anguish that Jesus went thru. In the New Testament, not many parts in there take it to the core of all He suffered thru for us, not like this one in Isaiah. Now, wait a minute-I was a newbie. One that rarely read much prior Matthew, as for that is a whole additional part of growing tight with your walk with Christ, as He leads you in time. I never opened a Bible prior searching for Him in 2003. So, listening to this a few months into my walk just gripped my heart!! As for while the pastor read it, I didn't think twice who Isaiah 53 was because it was obvious to me it was totally about my Lord and Savior--Jesus Christ!!! But as this pastor continued, I finally heard what the AMAZING part about this Isaiah 53 is!!! It is in the Old Testament-BC-Before Christ was born, raised, entering into what His Father, God, called Him to do; telling people the Good News-what God, His Father brought Him into the world as human to share what He was about to do, die-after many listened to His Good News and accepted Him as the Son of God, yet so many rejected then, and foretells for even today we would be like lost sheep, rejecters, others swayed into different cults that sound "perfect." No ones life is perfect. Christ, whom is perfectly sinless through God, did not live a life that was filled with perfection. On the contrary, He lived a life of the most suffering you can't even imagine so that we, who are not perfect, would have a chance to have our sins wiped away. And with that chance comes accepting our Amazing Lord, Jesus Christ into our Lives-forever we need Him, forever we desire Him. As for what they foretold so many years prior to His life sharing the Way, Truth and Life.. all can only get to His Father (God) except thru accepting Jesus into life. Before He was crucified He shared His purpose there, told them Good News. He also did marvelous things that would amaze you, as it did me, when you read it. It made me look back at my whole life when I wasn't into Jesus-and I could blatantly see He was in my life since I was in my mother's tummy!!! Jeremiah 1:4 !!! 

So, when I heard that part, actually foretelling from the Old Testament that Jesus, the Messiah was coming to save us!! Thru Him, His blood washes away our sins forever!!  FOREVER-as we call on Jesus who was crucified for our sins, to take the punishment for us all-as for God knew how all of us were going to be once the sinning of Adam and Eve occurred--we were from that point on just to worsen in sin, so way back before it all occurred He had the plan of His Son to come clean up our disasters of sins for His Father, our God. So I just have to read the amazing two verses again, that I just marvel over.

Isaiah 53:4-6

  ⁴ Surely he took up our pain

   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed!! 

Those two verses are just pure truth. And it is so gripping, that if tears don't flow, than the heart pounds with pure love for all He has done, and is yet to do throughout my life. He has already done way past anything I could imagine...yet what is AMAZING is that we cannot, will not EVER be able to try to pay our "sealed promise" back. No "works" even us out. We can't, nor could imagine it. His love is never-ending, His promise is sealed for life here on earth until we finally go to Heaven, where it is sealed forevermore there!!!

How do we ever thank Him?? We praise Him constantly, at home, school, work, shopping, travels etc!! This is now our chance to really show Jesus how much we love Him!!! But we also stand up and share our suffering, as for we are to suffer, just as Jesus did for us. Won't compare to His-but He says at times it will catch us questioning Him, His true Love and Word of promise to be walking tightly with us always, and in hard times just to trust-all things have a purpose that will touch so many lives, even if we suffer, and feel like He isn't there. He is-and is doing remarkable things!! I re-learned today, from a friends video of prayer, yet loss of an infant -  to stand up with our belief, pick up the Cross and deny our old life, pressing forward to share His LOVE from near to far for the life yet to come, forever more!!!

This is a precious friends video, that I had no idea, with my own selfish suffering for almost two years, that this all was going on, and sent on-to be with our Lord and Savior. Hear about some amazing true faith here, from @jasonthebaldguy , Jason Carroll - his gift to Christ!! We love you all!!

Cutting Brain Income

There is a HUGE difference between Philadelphia and Phoenix---obviously not how they sound their "f" out.... with the "ph" ....
I am one who needs doctors-and the ones that I took, for epilepsy, upon recommendation, I will not be making a ride down to his office any time soon.

I love what they can do in the medical field today--but I also love it when it at least SEEMS like they are doing it FOR YOU--and YOUR ILLNESS. Not themselves, and their homes, and cars. The man that is my doc here is very cold--very personality-LESS, and places people in the hospital without understanding, when come to find out-it is most all about him and the money he'd get for referring people for brain surgeries. He really doesn't understand that I am still getting over the 3rd brain surgery. My whole body is in pain-and on meds for that--I am praying that this severe pain will lift SOON!

I guess I was not used to the heart-less doctors... the ones that don't put their actual care into anyone's life-this is why I will continue to fly back to Phoenix to see my neurologist I've had for almost a decade, 3 brain surgeries, and thru severe overdoses after my ex beat me. I don't think one soul can replace this doc. But to be so far the other way---just heartless, was stomach sickening. I think doctors should have to pass a heart-filled test as well, and pass--not heart-less.

I know not to waste gas and go down there again. To the man pushy and thrilled to rip my head open for the 4th time.... just doesn't seem right. I will keep him excited and waiting for me to come back for the next year.... but my face will show in AZ... not there. This is where people with hearts win, in every job out there-when used right. My neuro in Phoenix has to be one of the brightest when it comes to not only the brain, but also the heart!!

I will always be traveling to AZ for all neuro care--as for not one doc out here seems sane.

Make sure the doc you see--is as amazing as the doc I see!!! They ARE out there!!

Blessings!

Heather

Walk Tightly

          

Thru all circumstances,

May you feel Christ's Love &

Peace the way I re-shook myself to wake

up and feel and give back. He is our all in all-

why we exist-but NOT why we suffer.

For HE has GREAT plans for us whom follow-

trials on earth will hit us, but we need to remember

WHO to GRASP-not WHAT. That is when the lightbulb turns

on bright and your life for Him is unchangeable. 

Worthy is all His Praise, well, or unwell. 

Blessings all!

The BIG WHY-was this miraculous 3rd brain surgery that a friend of mine made a folder for me for it. It contained as much of all of the prayer warriors praying for me while I was in the hospital Feb 1-14th for this 3rd, and awake brain surgery. Prayer warriors smoothly had this surgery happen-but after it, about a month and a half I was hit with excruciating pain from feet that traveled up my legs so fast it was out of this world!! Been back to my Mayo Hospital twice in patient and out patient. Nothing was jumping out at about every Doctor you could imagine seeing. And I had to move away from Phoenix to here, in Philly area. That whole year of 2010 all it did was worsen-but really took a toll this year. I am 34 and it is almost unable to walk some days. So, I really had BIG ups and downs with Jesus---as for we had so many prayers for the surgery-came thru so well, the moment I was better from healing-ready to get back to living-I was pain stricken--and it so far looks like for life, cause I haven't had a day off yet.

During this tragic disorder for me-has brought in an extremely big blessing--my Big Bro!! He is always with us, by our side-stays with us so he is here to help me thru the days. Lord I feel bad, as for he takes after my mother in anxiety. So when I hit extreme pain-he wants to fix it while his heart is pounding. But it is amazing how God draws family members together. I wouldn't give this up at all. I've wanted this close relationship with him since I was 19. He was hit with some big trials this year--but recently accepted Jesus--and my heart melts, knowing with the strangest, most painful parts of life-might just help another person. 

But once again, in life, even before you know and trust Jesus-His plans our laid out... we may alter them a hunch, but when we accept Him and try to walk tighter with Him, and more like Him--it is then when life begins to change BIG-some you notice BIG TIME and thank Him in tears on your knees, others are more slight changes, or even something that doesn't seem a blessing, but in fact in time (sometimes YEARS) turns into an AMAZING BLESSING with your love, trust, and continual walk and relationship with Jesus. Whether that is with jobs, spouses, children, health etc.... so much has hit my life so hard that I wasn't sure I could, or really wanted to breathe the next day. But as I turned back to Jesus and prayed in tears "what do You want, where do I go from here? will everything work out ok?" He will comfort all in a way that you just will be amazed at. And whatever tragedy is in your life, will soon seem small, as you know He is more than real-He is why you have so many gifts--such as my precious Tory. My ex gave her up-and my husband has been her daddy since she was 2--and I praise God for that. Too many kiddos that are lost and hurt due to divorce, but Christ knew she needed perfect timing-she is sensitive. And she is blessed with my husband, her dad-to walk her down the aisle one day. She is one little girl that has been on fire for Jesus since she was 2... very open. And for that-I thank Jesus for.

Without this man, my husband, Christian Siebens- I am not sure how and where I'd be today. Before I was living for Jesus-I was living for him... to get help to get over the ex beating me, or off the drug I abused to numb that pain. He lived in Seattle, while I was in AZ... and we have endless e-mails... that are so grabbing. Our Lord made us both grow close to HIM, and each other afar, and when he moved to Phoenix back in 2004. Jesus works wonders. We married still, after he dealt with all my seizures, my brain surgery #2 -and Phenobarbital addictions when we re-tried that medication. He is one amazing man, Godly, true, loving, with no raging temper. Shocking compared to my 1st. God taught me a lesson there. Our wedding we had on the date my ex beat me-to wash out the bad-make it a day to look forward to always. He walked us thru more seizures, 

I thank Jesus for my precious friends up in MN.... whom I first met on twitter and Facebook... but then in person up in MN. I am off to see them again end of July. These two are the sisters I never had--and are there in a flash when I need them. Know that there are those type of people still today... never give up!!! He has plans for us all.

My baby Tory... 3 1/2 praising Jesus to Chris Tomlin CD in my one bedroom apartment. We sure were a team!!!! Forever Mommy and Tory...

My precious sweet husband always reaching out to me with love... in all my pain...

I LOVE YOU CHRISTIAN SIEBENS!!!

Now here in PA.... I am too ill to find friends... but have the most precious hubby.... Forever thank Jesus for him!!!

God bless you all... know you are never alone. Mountains get very rocky... very steep... but you will reach the top and see pure beauty, again and again--as long as you keep trusting Jesus. He will carry you!!! No ones life is easier.. He knows all whom can handle--and not. He can take trials-and use them for amazing things in your life.... but even better, in others!!! 

However, unless Jesus comes to me face to face--and the docs with written consent that a 4th brain surgery will make all this body pain flee... I won't go thru this again... I'll just keep praying the pain flees.  :)

In His Love,

Heather

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength thru His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in Your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, thru it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Gives and Takes away

Jesus. My Best Friend.

He gives and takes away. How can that be one of my most awesome, loved songs... yet the lyrics are so brutal in certain ways. They have more than grabbed my heart and drenched it. Yet we cry those tears of love to Christ to "He gives and takes away..." He knows what we are to have and when--or what to go thru--I will never question that.

Now on a normal day, normal street, normal humans-we wouldn't look at it that way. Whomever gave us something amazing-then snatched it--we would be ANGRY!!! We might have hatred. We might not talk to for a while or so. But this is Jesus. His choices are right. His are clear to Him. His make our life an amazing one to keep living for Him, with His purpose. But it still hurts.

I had to deal with my 2nd surgery hurting my heart due to large seizure just prior 7 weeks and check up appointment with my neurosurgeon. And this song grabbing me both emotionally and with comfort. Letting me know that Jesus had  more plans after that 2nd brain surgery-and I just had to hold on and trust Him.

Did that hold back tears. No. But I had the comfort of Him talking to me, perfect timing, letting me know His plans still were to come.

I went thru years of suffering, seizures, medication illnesses, etc for my 3rd brain surgery to arrive in February of 2010. I was so excited. So thankful.

After the amazing awake brain surgery I was "well" and healing for two months from the pain. Once that pain left-I was ready to rumble. Be more than who I was over a decade ago.

I started working-out. It only took 2 weeks for it to crash my body limb by limb. Starting with the foot. Worked its way up to my neck-including my fingers as I type. Everything killed me and nothing with any appointment made sense or got better. I am still waiting for it to flee-or answers.

John Hopkins wasn't one thrilled to take my case now that we moved to Philly, away from my docs at Mayo in Phoenix. So we just were left in a limp serch on our own--having private neuros send me to Jefferson Hospital, and one private pain specialist is holding my case until SOMEONE takes it on--as for it is just unexplainable, unless I were God. I have additional body faults one by one quickly since that surgery. From the extreme pain all over to muscle jolts, and wonderful loss of memory and language in speaking. 

Most of all I was angry at God. I have never understood why He would keep one, who has been a good kid, decent adult, then when found Him, pretty darn on fire for Christ--enabled, unwell. How long does He plan to keep me down and why?

He has a reason for everything. And in time, we will see it unfold. Perhaps some of it---or again maybe some won't see til time is in Heaven with our Lord.

I have been able to slowly, painfully walk thru all of this. Causing blow up arguments we never have with my husband who now travels so much. I wasn't able to be home, on my own with Tory. I could hardly get a glass of water for myself--many times I couldn't. But there were several business trips he wasn't able to find anyone to come out, on our money, to help. And my heart would turn cold and feel beaten up--as for once again he leaves me stranded, in excruciating pain as he goes plays with the business guys. Raw deal. I think my heart was hurting--and shut off for understanding any other side of the story.

I found that Jesus was using my love for Him to totally change one of the most special people in my life--who was wrongly accused and put in jail. Not only the jail here in Philly that took him in for Denver, no, they made him take that atrocious van cuffed ride--10 days all over the nation--little food, little urine stops. But he had a choice--to keep the Jesus he found in jail, in focus--knowing that still is in plan---or to throw a tantrum, shake his fist at our Lord. My brother chose the first. AMEN. And on the tough ride kept peoples spirits up. He is now here again in our home-with so much faith and love of our Lord--after 8 years of my relationship with Christ, praying one day he'd see Him clearly too.

So this is where the strange blessings can come from our suffering--my severe pain. And as it continues, I pray it does more good for our Lord again, somehow, in any way Lord---just lead me!!!!

I may not be the work out queen anymore... but I sure know how to share His love--and the obvious touches of His hand for healing after those three brain surgeries. With Him--He carries us and holds us tight!!!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 

We are pressed on every side by troubled, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Thru suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

Heather

Praying

I keep praying. Don't you? Seems like there is just never-ending reasons for prayer, for everyone for the last few years--with this one really kickin!!!

As pretty much ALL OF YOU KNOW.... I am sure, I used to be the Twitter/Facebook addict--and I really thought that I would be up and running full force again with all those social networks-sharing the deep, amazing love of our Lord and Savior--Jesus Christ: for you all-and dear Lord, never ending for me and my family.

I have been quite silent.

Some of you may know my causes-many may not. But Jesus chooses for us to take such different paths than we ever thought, read about, looked for, and ever prayed for. Actually, my first favorite part of the Bible is all about Paul--showing over and over how to praise Him and live for Him, no matter where you are, or what you have going on--HE WILL SEE YOU THRU--as for HE HAS GOOD PLANS FOR YOU-FOR ME-FOR US ALL!!!As we all grip Jesus with love and trust--He will have these amazing days we see are all directed by HIM--then others we do wonder where He has gone?? Is He ever coming back?? But Paul from the Bible didn't have those negative attacks. On all actuality, he was able to take such harsh, drastic struggles that were hard to understand--but He knows our Lord-how amazing and true Christ is. He didn't die on the cross and raise from the dead for humor or to be caught to make star hit blockbuster movies---no. It wasn't fun for Jesus--all He died for us that was atrocious in pain. Which is why I am even talking about this verse---you will catch that is a few coming up..... but Paul was ready and alive for our Savior--no matter the suffering, pain, illness, or struggles. We all have those-finally in life-once we are done shaking our fists, doubting the Lord of Lords-or for Paul-killing people back then who DARE to believe in Him (when he was Saul). I think that with me finding Christ so late-I have been marked one to have very many-if some how this lady actually finds Christ with the way she was brought up and town she lived in. I was not one up for all this "perfect" people stuff when I was first told about it.
And now I look back at the Bible--and I am almost a duplicate of Saul who was out to rid believers of Christ from my friendships in my 20's.... then oh wait a minute--same man--was talked to directly by JESUS!!!! Who knew what he had in him. And the tears roll--as we see the wrong--he was out killing others, I was working on myself with high doses of Phenobarbital-numbing all pain in life instead of finding HIM to give all troubles to--and ask Him to lead me. Heck-he knew every hair on my body before my mother even did!
I started reading the Bible in 2003 and attending a church where I also had a Bible study. There is where I heard so much about Paul. And I heard he more than accepted the new man he was-living all for Christ. Which struck me-cause this man-with illnesses, or being chained down in prison-was the happiest soul ever. He was given a new life-that living so lively-so on fire 24/7/365-that there was no flashback of his bad past-Paul just lived every day Alive for Christ and all for His Glory-with no regrets-just amazing days to come.

So having never grown up with the Bible-I was all lit up. It was just amazing how someone could take everything I have been going thru-and combine them in THEIR LIFE. Talk about struggles and major need for prayer. But I have found a bright, sunny, positive in my suffering--I know who to give it to... and as much as humans help...they do nothing that God has in store already. So don't have just your human friends lined up to help pray online, in church, by phone, at Bible Study.

Praying for ourselves is great--so we can gain strength to pray for everyone in dire need. Having that personal relationship with our Creator---But my greatest desire is to be one person, on fire---ALL THE TIME AGAIN-no matter how much pain I am in when my husband is away on business trip. I am sure He would like less stress for all of us.....that is one beautiful reason why He has Heaven. In the end of all of this Earthly chaos-we will praise Him all the time when we reach Heaven.
No stress in Heaven--and when New Earth is fully developed-no tears for others.

The best part of the last 3 months is far from my health--must not be in Christ's plan right now...my marriage is back to feeling like the first days-not just my severe pain. My big gift from Jesus--has finally announced his trials in life--which we walked with him in much of....explaining since 2004 how Jesus has plans-if He accepts and reaches out to Him. My cool brother, even knowing we were Christ-addicts-came to us for help a couple years ago--and I can't let him go. As for he hit rock bottom recently---which threw me in a line of major depression and marital issues due to my brother being gone who helped us-and my husband gone, no matter how severe the pain-and sadness of my brother incorrectly placed in jail.

I stayed connected to my brother-in prayer. I stayed angry at my husband who tried to meet travel change needs--but just weren't enough with this severe pain-not to me anyway.

We had a couple great friends come to help-we paid the air fare. And we had couple sour ones--that were looking for the normal "Heather help" but that was not what this was for. And still, in any prayer, they didn't understand it wasn't an at Heather's home council time for her. I am one to now see clearly I am to do personal Bible study-yet posting thoughts of scripture on line when in dire pain. But when in control--to go back to the "On Fire For Christ For All to Hear and Read...." I miss those "Paul" like days..... but he is teaching me-in pain he had no bitterness--just glory for Jesus-that's where I was, that's where I am heading back. Can anyone help by making sure I keep blogging and video'ing -sharing more amazing stuff to come???
I love you all-as for God put you all in my life for so many amazing things-you all have blessed me life, and I forever thank you!!

Troy---you will never know how you have once again changed my life. Big brothers are more than big--forever huge part in my life

You are my big brother-
My child's Uncle, yet "twin"
My husbands best friend
You keep me sane....
And I love you so much-
How can I love you even more
every day? I do.
Keep praising Him-He is all we need
to get thru all this crazy stuff-
and get to just relaxing time we love.
I love you Troy. I love you Christian. I love you Jesus!!!

In severe pain-and I love you all thru it. Jesus will take care of it today.

I love you all---and know, I have for a long time-I just let pain get in my way to remind you.  So here it is again-I love you all, such gifts to me from Jesus-and I praise Him!

Keep your chin up thru tough times too....if I am gonna, Lord, He gives all who call on Him the strength to!!

Have a blessed week!!

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

http://www.twitter.com/AliveinMe
http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe
http://gallery.me.com/aliveinme
aliveinme@me.com

Love to you from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.






























                                                                                            

Heart Brakes

God has blessed us with so much--that we have no way to return, other than to praise Him. Show Him HE is our #1! But losing close friends along the way hurts-and all the chaos in this world of drastic stunts people can pull--they can be sitting next to, blood related, someone you raised, one you married--just so much hurt out there and truly the only with answers to heal that pain for all--is Jesus.

I pulled drastic stunts when I went thru "unfair" pain. But my neurologist sent me to psychologists/psychologists and I agreed so I could proceed in getting better. But the biggest reason for my healing was I found THE perfect church, that had the Holy Spirit wrap tight around me. Jesus walked and talked directly to ME!!! And has ever since!!! But during my search, and prior--I was paying big consequences. I wasn't on a "favorite" list---He loves us all as ONE. But we have to pick up our cross--walk with Him, for Him, about Him-all for Him. That is what life is about. Not why don't I have money, or that car, or wellness, or the girl/boy I wanted, or did he divorce me etc.... we have to count on HIM that with our faith in HIM--HE WILL SEE US THRU---He knows the route, we just have to trust Him in this "leap of faith."

It has been one thing after another of severity since I was 25. I am now 34. And I just don't think it slows down as He keeps strengthening us--getting us out there with the win of each battle to share our Good News thru His Good News.

My road took another HUGE route that has me in more pain and seizures than usual--- people play evil games, when knowingly are doing evil. My brother is my bestest friend... but I cannot explain details right now.... other than in life, he has been very confused on what he has wanted. Therefore-divorced looking for more--when in reality, it was the void in his heart. Had it all---but lacked what was most important to keep it all together and blessed---Jesus. His ex wife has recently found Him, and my heart jumps for joy!! I keep praying for my brother, when here in such tragedy- keeps asking.

With all that confusion I lost his ex wife as a daily friend, which my daughter has her name as her middle name... known her since I was in Jr High..... amazing woman today. Hurts, cause I love her so much-but this is how the Devil works with our Free Will.

He proceeded with others I had to learn to adjust with his change--I did well. But he would quickly change as I formed a relationship with another.... looking at this you can see, his heart has a huge void---and still is not filled, as for last psychotic girlfriend end of last year-beginning of this--she and her mom pressed charges - which were all equal in reality--- but he was taken away, cuffed from my home, due to a heartless, non-follower of Christ. So now I have this heart that loves so much--that is fighting not to hate them-I just don't appreciate negative surprises... the "get you backs..."

I love my brother so much, no matter what happened--- 70x7 forgiveness per Jesus... we sure don't see that here anymore. All about revenge. That is a voided heart---my brothers ex wife has a filled heart and on His track... and I am forever grateful. We all live and learn---all takes two. Same as a close friend he dated a long time---forever her heart shows Jesus' love. Look around you and see does anyone you know close need to fill that void with Jesus? It changes all so drastically.

I was beaten by my ex--total ability to get revenge --press charges. Had all legal pics taken... I did not file--he did not do time. I know Jesus will do it on His own. My ex and I panned out friends, then just afar, he remarried, gave up our child to her "dad" to Tory.

How hard is it to go a day, then 2, then a week without hating one thing? Even the traffic. We are just blessed to have life. As I sit here half blinded and in severe pain from 3rd brain surgery.... I KNOW I AM BLESSED EVEN THRU THIS. I pray for those who need to knock down, to feel good....

I love you Maria... thank you for your heart....

And your info and heart has my head straight Lisa...

But I miss him... know wrong is wrong-- and I just pray God takes a big grip on this and bring Him completely to Jesus!! That is my hope and prayer....

While setting the wrong doers straight.... when they see You light, they will see what is truly wrong.

Love to you all out in FB and twitter land... life wouldn't be the same!! Amazing how many I have met---and will again meet this Sunday!! God is good!!

Lamentations 3:31-33 For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

Proverb 10:28 The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked are all in vain.

Reaching out Response

As I reach for Christ, He is ALWAYS THERE;
As I reach or look for past daily attention from my lover-
it is missing.

My whole life growing up-I felt the human touch of love. My family. None of us knew about our Lord and Savior-who died for our sins--to clear our plate of destruction, lies, etc.....
It took near death for me to wake up in my running to find Him. Nevertheless -HE KEPT ME FOR A PURPOSE---as He has each and all off of YOU! Remain tight to Him-all things do have a reason...
They are just so hard to begin to understand. So much tragedy in the 90's after I was presented this Man named "Jesus" occurred. But I knew they was a "Someone" or "Something" out there--for me to have made it thru the late 90's.
When He notices your wanders even more--even more miracles happen. Many bitter ones will look at it as cruelty-if there is any "God." The other section knows deep in their hearts He is just really trying to get all His "sheep" going the right direction--HIS direction. So when tragedy, pain, saddness appear--all you have to do is call on Him--He is the One to rely on. Who has your plans laid out. And with all you face that is difficult in your life, is for you to hand onto Him, trust Him-knowing He is using all for His Glory; not like the HUGE percentage others feel it is torture for any bad they have done. If you have truly accepted Christ into your heart, mind, soul-LIFE--He is always YOUR BEST FRIEND-with unconditional love! How radical is that!!! Our love can't ever compare' which is why we our supposed to live with our walk as close as possible with Him-study and read about all He has done, stil does-will continue to do!! WOW!!!
We are just selfish creations. I know He placed my hubby and I together for amazing reasons. I used to call my hubby my little Jesus He was so striving to be very gentle and loving--allowing all my faults--but loving me still.
Wasn't until our move to Philly that everything got rocky.
My health just shortly after my 3rd brain surgery took a HUGE dump. Which wasn't "perfect" timing for my husbands new career. The main office is in Philly. But he was given a choice; to stay in Phoenix where all our family is located-and all my docs for every illness I have-or freezing Philly to watch my pain worsen from natural pain that blows up my body 80 times more. The pain from the cut that controls some brain memory, looks like I'll be in utter pain- painful for even the "good" days the rest of my life. I accepted that, finally. But it has been hard without being near family, friends, my church-and my husband gone almost over half of each month. That wasn't the agreement. We moved so he would travel less than that-cause I can't make it on my own. But I truly feel like a single parent, with a wonderful uncle who lives here most of the time-praise God. But isn't the same as your husband, or Tory's daddy.
If I knew travel would be like this-- I would have stayed in Phoenix, until travel calmed-then moved where he felt best. But this has torn my health to shreds, my childs anxity has increased--feeling at the age of 9 she has to take care of herself--cause even when He is here, he is so diligent as if he was at work. She is 9!! My kiddo can't take militant aggressiveness for what he needs done; asking, telling, describing what he needs done is the best what my sweet Tory can handle it-and feel productive, not behind. 
My husbands mind is in this twirl of work, talking to the owner of our home about deals, detangling my necklaces is when those thought were in his mind-as I walked in--in a skirt he has wanted me to buy forever. I did. M past lover would have his mind off of everything and had said how beautiful I looked---seems a long time, except when His brain has time to--on Facebook.
As a sick one it does feel good once in a while to here how "beautiful I look" face to face. Not just talk about where are we going for dinner.
That isn't the only---but an example of how my heart hurts. 
Which is why I praise God I found Jesus---or there would be no one else logical to talk to about all this. I praise Jesus for close friends. to help get me thru my brain and pain complications-and husband always gone--even when he is home.
We will make it thru--if we BOTH stick to Jesus for our marriage, not just his work.


In His Grip,


Heather
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort of God.
Psalm 57:10 For Your UNfailing love is as high as the Heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.