Your Years NickyBear...

Your Years Nicky
by Hetty Jensen-Siebens 2014 ©

While you were growing 
Nicky, everything looked so right
Everyone was sharing 
Amazing plans for you each night

You came out as all expected
A gift from God, so perfect, so right
Mommy & Daddy you never rejected
You were full of Jesus' Way, Truth, Light!

But not long into this amazing little life
Came an illness that all thought would clear
No one was ready for traumatic strife
Your precious Mommy steadfast in brain tumor fear

NickyBear so young, not even a year old
In PICU following removal of that tumor
Mom and Dad stayed strong, and did not fold
All of this was truly real, not any form of humor

Nicky you faced so much I cannot compare
And I prayed to take it away
But Jesus is always loving, kind and fair
That is something we hang onto today

Your big brother was your earthly rock
Helped and watched you grow
Loved playing with you up & down your block
Misses you so much, was so hard to let you go 

But your families faith is so real and secure
Which is why you dance in Heaven
Placed there to welcome others, you are so dear 
Your precious body was 4 1/2, didn't even make it to 7

But in reality your faith was so strong
Your love overflowed and fear did not show
You my friend didn't have to live very long
In order for your faith and love to grow

Nicky you are loved today
You are loved tomorrow
You are loved every day on earth

Until you send us a sign that this earth is going to end 
At that moment is some sadness but much more gladness 
Knowing we all can be near you, meet you, be a best friend
And no longer be a part of any sickening madness 

Forever healed.

We love you always thru this....and your amazing family that has touched my life....keep your eyes on them....

Much love from the Siebens!

In His Grip,
Hetty Siebens


Busy Tough Month

This month has absolutely flown by...no, all of 2014 has. I am still in February in my mind. We were praying so hard for amazing healing for that precious kiddo, little 4 1/2 yr old Nickybear. But God had different plans and needs for him in Heaven. So hard to grip that but you have to - knowing how true our God is, as we watch Him break out miracles in our lives, left and right. But grasping such a young one needing to leave so soon, breaks my heart. It was his brain that started all the issues with cancer. And with me being an adult who makes appointments for brain surgeries to rid my seizures, I sure wish I could have taken it on for him. But, again, that isn't God's plan. And Nicky's family held so strong, so steadfast, faith filled thru it all- they did not waiver. It is like Abraham all over again. And they were blessed with twins last September ...before this all went down hill with Nicky's health. Looks like a God thing to me. They are miracle people... The uncle, Uncle Anthony, or Blue as the kids call him is one in depth, loving Uncle...and amazing brother who held tight thru Christ in all of this, yet let his tears flow for Nicky. Pointed out what Nicky went thru with a vase of all his hospital bands. My heart was moved forever.
So when I heard when the funeral was, and heard Tory, my daughter was going on Spring break with  family friends, I had to ask my husband if he could alter his work schedule to go support this with me. My heart was overwhelmed with this by a precious friend of mine, asking me to share prayers for him- Miss Julie Caudill (who painted the painting above-whale is for Nicky). I had to read his whole battle, their whole battle since 2010, he was 8 mos old. It was heart wrenching. I prayed so hard all over. So my husband, the sweet man I married, altered his schedule, for me, us, and his funeral. We wept so hard. What a wake up call as to what to be thankful for,...even if I am the sick one, I have a precious, well daughter and husband- how much better could it get?
I will continue to send prayers and love to the sweet families...letting them know we are always here for them, in any weather of their life. Bless the George's and Cyr's.
The month was just swallowed. Other than being unwell in the beginning and the funeral...it just vanished. And in a couple days I am off to Phoenix- to Mayo Clinic Hospital for some intense tests. They tell me what I have... And if it is what they think, it cuts my life rather short. But I do believe in Jesus. And His miracles and change in paths when we know what we are praying for and He agrees. I know He has had major plans for me for a long time to still be hear today.... So with that, I hold tight and believe what I have all comes from something different that is dealable. I can handle a lot of health issues... But leaving my precious family soon just breaks my heart. 
So I am praying.
And praising my family is still here.
And praying major healing upon the George's and Cyr's.
May God rain healing upon all! 

Much love, always!


Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.  Psalm 124:8

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!! 

1 John 5:14-15 And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL. And if WE KNOW He is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that He will give us what we ask for. 

Remembered forever til we meet in Heaven and you show me around!


Hanging Tight

This has been a real whirlwind couple of months... Now working into just another that doesn't look much more bright and intriguing. But thru tears, I keep hanging tight onto Christ. As for He, in the end of each treacherous day, is the only one who really gets me thru. I have amazing love and support in family and friends. I just know even that wouldn't be enough without our Lord. 
I watch close friends go thru so much anguish in their health, and I just wish, with all I already carry and seem to have more on my plate already, just top it off. I'd much rather a friend be clear of all the horrific illnesses that have entered our world and place them upon me, as for I have so much anyway. And my love for them is extreme. I am a person born with zero anxiety. I walk into brain surgeries, even the awake ones I had done like it is a fun carnival. Thrilled to rid health issues. Fearless to do it. I however have been blessed with such amazing friends up here in MN, and a few I love dearly in my family that have really bad anxiety. It is so hard for me to truly understand, but I have been thru so much in life I can get a glimpse. I think it is my duty, per God to help reach out to all these people, help show them there is so much to life when you take that first step. Put some trust into me, humorous Hetty, and we will have a ball! I'll even show you how I drive really really fast!! ☺️ It's been a goal of mine, at least when God gives me good days when I am feeling better, and more up to it.
But lately, and over the past year and a half, things have gotten a bit darker in my "well" land, and I have weeks that I have the strength to do for all, but recently more has hit my frying pan.
I have horrific tremors that will not stop. This typing is very difficult, and is every day. Everything ai do, has lessened or ceased as for when you tremor really hard, you just can't do anything. I don't just tremor in my hands. It has worsened. As it has done this before on and off and we always blamed my anti seizure meds. We just can't now. There has been 0 changes in years. Not only do I tremor in my hands so bad I can't do anything (humor really to try to watch me button or put on eyeliner) but my legs do when I walk, and my vocal chords when I talk.... And soon my tongue even paralyzes.
So, in tears I called my neuro done in Phoenix at Mayo Clinic Hospital. Instantly with what I described they are setting me up with tests in regards to movement disorders. The one she was talking about that sounded so similar, and perhaps a secondary illness due to my brain surgeries, MSP, Multi System Atrophy.... If that is really the case, once found, you are usually only around another decade or so with fast acting side effects. No cure. I am praying I am just suffering once again from the chaos a very risky anti seizure medication did to me in my past. It was FDA approved in 94, then yanked when within 10 months 10 people died from aplastic anemia, liver damage. I always am anemic, every month since I was on it in 2009- and it knocked me down to 86 lbs in weeks. Unable to eat. I had a very bad count in my blood and kept seizing till we got it in control. 
Meds can be good, they can be horrific. And here we go again. 
With all that....I honestly have not much room to cry. Christ has gotten me over every mountain...thru all the deserts where we never thought I'd return from. And even with so much brain on my dominant side missing, He blessed me with the new gift of art....right now only when He gives me strength and can get thru my tremors. So it may have been a short lived blessing, but He always has more in store for us as we keep seeking His truth and love. Had I never found Him, I would have been dead years ago. He gave me more time here to share His good news...to love my family and friends, and trust His challenges.
Anyone looking for a real challenge ...a wake up call. Go to www.nickeybear.com
This family is holding Christ tight, as He works hard thru His love on precious little Nicky. WhenI read the entire blog that started just after my 3rd awake brain surgery thru now.... I was in tears of sadness, yet joy that this family are all Paul's. They see Jesus' heart thru every step. They see human mistakes but never blame Jesus! They look to Him for comfort and answers and healing! He loves them so much. This family -the George's - are feeling God's pain watching their baby go thru cancer of the brain-after treatments looked great, he was so well....are now watching the treatments attacking his sweet soul. Giving up your baby would be terrifying, and very cold hearted in most cases. But they look to our God for healing....and if not- to take him and his pain and misery away to his creator. Your plans they trust. They have me in awe! And just as God did for Abraham as he took his son Isaac to be sacrificed- as God instructed.... As Abraham followed all directions God told him.... God withdrew the sacrifice directing Abraham not to! That all Abraham's true trust in our Lord, right down to his real son, Abraham's only son...from that day on he was to be blessed -multiply his descendants!  As I look at this family and how this mom pushed thru with such love and grace for Nicky, her whole family- trusting God knows what He is doing- He blessed them with amazing twins last September! Our God is good! This kid has made impacts all around the world thru this amazing mom and dad! He has changed lives, faiths, attitudes. Never to be forgotten. Nicholas and Angelia are very humble loving souls to this world, their family, ultimately Jesus Christ. My heart will never be the same after their impact. Bless you all....and her brother Anthony... You all make a difference! 

As I tie this up... Please say a prayer for my precious friend Nancy Brennan Oliver who just lost her dad in hospice. He was one very very special man. Told my dear friend Tommy Monje everything he needed to know in life. Bless these people Lord. Lift them up and hold them tight. Papa is dancing with Jesus...Godspeed. Love you all! 

In His Love,


2 Peter 3: 8-9
But you must not forget friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise to return, as some people think. No, He is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so He is giving more time for everyone to repent.

1 John 5: 14-15
And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL. And if WE KNOW He is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that He will give us what we ask for. 

Lamentations 3: 22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance;therefore, I will hope in Him!" 

Lamentations 3: 31-32
For the LORD does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. 


Christmas at the Siebens 2013

A Whole New Year!!

Honey, I love you so much-but we sure have crazy years
Hard to compare them all when really we should be ready for tomorrow
Last thing I want to do is spend a great percent of my years in tears...
But with your hand Christian you help me see good and not sorrow!

Jesus has a purpose for everything
This I know is true
We live where it snows and could go skiing!
It's just getting me well enough to ever make it thru!

I believe stronger Heather is coming back in some ways as before
Yet I know New Hetty has new focuses and opinions that may shock a ton!
But Hetty is so thrilled to be with you Christian-you're her rock that makes love soar!

With all I put you thru-with pills, needles, blood, no blood
upset doctors, irate nurses, no one understanding what we face together
At times it felt out of control-so I'd pray to Our Lord-"take me out by flood!"
But then I would look into your eyes and this word strikes me for good-FOREVER!

So keep a hold of me always
NEVER let me go
Rivers are raging hard
And this state has endless snow

Without a man like YOU,
I never would have lived
You kept my chin up with things to do
Thru the good and the bad I just wanted to give!

One to learn more about
Then soon knowing US-to become ONE
Thru God I NEVER had one doubt!

We will construct this road Christian
Let's enjoy each other, go fishing
And keep ME from going BONKERS!!!

Let's keep holding each other tight
as the sun sets each night
There is so much beauty in you and I
not a thing too complicated for us to try!

I Love you endlessly Hotty Hubby Christian,

In His Love and Grip,

Hetty, your blessed wife!


Brain Pain

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This simple, last procedure turned out to be much more of a nightmare than planned. We knew I had to be in Phoenix roughly 10 days for the staples... but since it has been opened and shut now 7 times, it takes it much longer to heal-I had a two week staple run. It was AGONY! God bless my in laws for housing me and taking me places. But I will say, the house was very very warm-which made it very tough for my incision to heal. It would just swell up when the heat got to it. And pound like no tomorrow. I didn't think my head pain would allow me to tomorrow. All of this agony and it was just taking screws out-not brain this time. Which meant we didn't even crack and remove my skull piece. But it felt the worst of all of them-granted, I just don't have enough skin left for another -barely did for this one.
The swelling has finally begun to go down... so it doesn't feel as oddly shaped as before. With this procedure the neurosurgeon cut the front flap open laying it forward over my eyes-dug out all 4 of my screws and plates (one was still there from 2005) had to cut muscle to reach all of these areas-that is the painful part. But very kind neuro, placed it back nicely and evenly as possible he said  :)
It was pain I didn't expect-and wow was I ever very very cranky from the pain. The moment it would hit me-my mouth would just go. My poor hubby, well for the time he was there. Ah, and then there is the aftermath. The day your wife just doesn't want to get out of bed. Not from pain or illness. Just upset. Will turn to tears when he turns away. Depression kicked in. Every surgery this happens-usually for a month or so, usually due to coming off pain meds and still having some pain. And playing with the noggin can't be blissful for the brain always. I know all the ways to fight depression-have lectured so many on it... but when you are in that rut yourself, it is up to you to take care of it. Living where we live-I reached for a months refill on Prozac for now-unless I snap out of this bit of darkness. I have too much good to let it rule over me.... this surgery was a tough time-taking so long. It took over Thanksgiving, my birthday, and is cramming my Christmas... I think that has a lot to do with my blues. But tomorrow is another day... we will see what that day has in store!

Thru all the pain... and much larger scar (wider) I do feel what I did was very logical... as for I haven't been hit down in ultimate misery from the screws feeling like they were going to explode from my head. So blessed I am indeed. Just was a very rough road!!! One I won't be on ever again!!!! AMEN!

Blessings to you all for such amazing support, prayers, love etc.... I am alive and me and so much better all because of YOU!!! Bless your hearts!!!

In His Grip,


Deuteronomy 6:5
And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.

1 John 4:9
God showed how much HE LOVED US by sending HIS ONLY SON into the world so that we might have eternal life thru Him. This is REAL LOVE. It is not that we LOVED GOD, but that HE LOVED US and sent HIS SON as a sacrifice to take away OUR SINS

Very Thankful from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know how You ever got me into this world
I don't get who was chosen for who
I don't get how You watched over me thru all my years of seizures
I don't get why I was ridden with epilepsy, or how
I don't get why my heart seemed so much more sensitive than parents
I don't get why parents never could show or teach love
I don't get how I could and ran off to marry at 19 to feel some sort love
I don't get why I never could seek You, out of spite toward my ex
I don't get how I flowed in and out of love with many, but returning to my ex
I don't get how while You were showing me "signs" of You, I just couldn't wake up
I don't get how I could roll my tiny Tercel 3 times the freeway, car totaled, and walk away with a faint thanks to "whatever" God, and so upset same time my 10 disc changer was run over by CHP....so selfish
I don't get why my ex and I kept breaking and making up...leading to what we thought was our last break up, in friendship, over dinner with wine...I conceived my, My precious Tory that night
I don't get why my seizures had to go on overdrive, leading to very high toxic prescribed doses of Phenobarbital
I don't get why my ex tried to put any time in, when he was against it all from the start
I don't get how he ever could have wanted an abortion, not see it as a sign from God- Whom he grew up learning about.
I don't get how he was full of rage enough to beat me up two months after 1st brain surgery...
I don't get why I had to keep overdosing to numb my pain
I don't get why I ever had the gut feeling to find You, during my overdosing days
I don't get how You singled me out from my family to be the ONE to search and find You.
I don't get, as I was seeking You, how I could still be loved unconditionally thru all the drama I brought in
I don't get how You heard my cry before the pumping of my stomach and coma hit...and You kept me perfectly well and alive thru You when I woke.
I don't get how many hospitalizations I've been thru ... 3 of them brain surgeries...yet my local parents couldn't come to see me, my dad came about twice in 12 years, over 30 hospitalizations
I don't get how my girl, when she was a baby, she knew exactly how gentle she had to be to me, due to my wrapped head throbbing from first brain surgery, her arms just slowly wrapped around my legs with eyes of love and healing.
I don't get how my parents can just let her out of their ignorant lives.
I don't get how I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me, mostly, beating me
I don't get how WE are the center of our lives
I don't get how I am the chosen one of both sides of the family, to find YOU, and make it known
I don't understand why all sides of my family reject you
I don't get who will ever awaken some one
I don't understand how parents can be so selfish
I don't get how my parents can totally separate from me, so many times, til completely....
I don't get all the struggles they endure and shake their fists for years on end, instead of trying to let You in...
I don't get how I was blessed with the best husband ever, by a past friend a long time before we somehow both knew.
I don't get Kim's accident....it hurts my heart...

But as I say all this in deep down truth and question...I lay it back on Your feet...cause You are our Creator, the One True God, The Alpha and Omega, Spring of Life, Emmanuel, The Holy One, my Best Friend, One and Only One with unconditional love for me, my family, families family and friends, Kim, Troy, my parents.... Everyone suffering knowing and accepting You...and amazing the love and concern You have on those who don't know You still. Isn't a toll to pay for Your Love and concern....but Your accepting us is already done, getting to Heaven we have to know how to truly accept. We may never know exactly Your plans, but we are to pray for You to lead us Your way thru them while our hearts, souls, minds recognize the plans You are placing in our lives, in Your Will. We may not understand tough or tragic times, but we are to take all troubles, fear, suffering etc-and give it all to You to take off us as we remain faithful in You every step. If we ever doubt, You fill us with the Holy Spirit that reminds us of all you did, have done, will do... The only way we are complete is when we surrender ourselves to You, giving up everything You say or bring, pick up our cross and carry it, thrilled to share every part of You, and our lives pertaining to You. You changed me forever, I am every so grateful.

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Dear Joseph

This was what my heart had me write for this very special friend to me... and so many others. He takes on trials in life so much more eloquently than he will ever give himself credit for. So I had about 15 minutes for my heart and mind to write what God was guiding me to say... reason it came out good is for HIS glory, and here, Joseph- His dear son, that just needed to hear his blessings he pours out to all others... and for this friend, I am eternally grateful to Jesus for having our social cyberspace cross paths and connect. Connect and learned so much about what each other has endured, is enduring- found out that LoveGrows! :) From the man of LearningGrows-they both do! But we have to have the amazing heart Joseph Gier has in order for our minds to open up to LearningGrows!! He is a live, proven fact.

Bless you Joseph... I pray you like that package of crazy Heather stuff.... but most of all I pray you were touched by this poem... Much love to an amazing brother of mine for life!  :)  And I willingly chose that... which moves my life positively!

Dear Joseph~
October25th, 2013-eternal  :)

Roads we have chosen are never always perfect.
Some seem so long and endless, others fast and fearless.
Some flat tires come along on our journeys more than once.
Yet at some times we roll our cars just simply heading out to lunch.

Some of us always have a full deck of the perfect cards to win
Others seem like God's against them-we always have to give in
But giving in isn't a criminal act, or any type of wrong doing
As long as we "GIVE IN TO THE RIGHT SOUL" which ends up such a blessing

Cause giving "into" Jesus, is just giving Him our "mess…"
He loves us tons-to take our "hands" and have us suffer less
He needs our hearts and our hope to form His amazing plans
Plans He's had forever for us-plans to prosper not to harm-to take us by our hand

To watch over us at all times, and never take a break
His love and plans are so intense that many think He's fake
But He just wants you to give your heart a shot for His love
As for He's the only God who has room for us in His mansion up above

But it is a mansion for those who have hearts and those who also have tears
Those who stumble and sin and go thru trials that feel like never-ending years
But as our faith grows during the times of our walk-struggles seem less tough
Because Jesus has it all on His back, fighting off the Devil who thinks he is so buff

But I know your heart dear Joseph, it is one very unique from our Creator
You may think your heart is mean and life that is tough now just gets worse later
But just grab onto Christ and a little bit of faith to grow
And you will be amazed where in life He has you go!

To close I just must tell you, I have never felt so blessed
Your kindness in life makes my heart grow outside of my chest
You are one to always want to help and make other people smile
Knowing you thru Christ keeps my faith high, and lessens all tough trials.

Thank you Joseph for being my friend
and sharing you troubles with me
With faith in Christ this package I send
As you trust and set your heart free!!

Many blessings, prayers… and always laughter!!
In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

From my precious family to you... and yours! 


Will Life Change

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or not able to live life with until healed either here or in Heaven. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

Will Life Change?

All I can say is, life has been frustrating. You see it and ask God... "why was I born?" You go from this you go to that. All so negative, all so wrong. You run into good just to be hit with bad. It continues for time. Time, time that feels like it will run on and on like a clock that WON'T die. You then look at yourself, in disgrace and remorse and ask "Won't it get better, won't my life change?" You then think it won't. You look down at your feet and you cry like a child, a child that got beat. You THEN contemplate how to DO IT and if you are "STRONG" enough. Strong enough to carry out the "task." The "task" to leave all others and the trials you did not defeat. You don't talk to others about your issues in life. You just judge them yourself and live in "denial." You let the problems get worse, you plan to QUIT life in a while. Now people keep asking what is the matter with me..? Why are they caring now, just let me be!! For I am unworthy for anyone's love, for anyone's trust. I haven't made life change, and a complete change in me is a MUST.
Then this wonderful man had entered my life. He had entered it happily though my life caused so much strife. He stuck with me thru all of my pain. All of my issues that you would think that I was insane! No, this man was so caring, this man was my rock. He caused me to get BETTER, caused OTHERS to TALK!! About how I got better, about how I could smile! They were quite shocked! They had not seen that in a while! I am so worthy thru Christ to be happy in life-for now I know how to be--blessed to be Christian's wife!!! (HAPPY!!)

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or able to live life with. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

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Because of YOU

I am ALIVE... to tell you how REAL Jesus is!! 

"You know I can't be there each time that you call... I swore not to come but I'm here after all... I know by the look that I see in your eye... I won't stand around and I won't watch you die!!"  ~Nickelback

Those lyrics were reality for me. My life growing up was very simple for the most part. But a couple things threw me into a spiral of mega trial for me. I didn't know Jesus... only heard about Him when I was 19, and graciously rejected all that stuff. But I look back now, and see His footprints and major clenches holding onto me thru so much. But there will never quite be an understanding of really WHY He saved me again October 19, 2003.... I always have to share this very openly every October because it is a shocking, amazing, breath taking reality. A daily reminder of how much He truly loves us thru so much of our crap we pull. He WILL be there each time that we call. Humans won't. And thank God my husband of today refused to be there that day for me. I don't think with his very little understanding of all I was going thru, went thru, what brain surgery can cause along with the addictive medication when prescribed at way too high of a dosage while pregnant. Nor would he ever really understand when I was beaten not quite two months after my 1st brain surgery -October 6th, 2002- how that was what started my whole addiction-overdosing of my anti seizure medication-Phenobarbital. He had seen me "unwell" several big times where I was knocked out for 24 hours. But had he ever been around for the amount I took October 19th 2003... seen me get my stomach pumped, need CPR, go into coma... and only reason I ever awakened ... with all doctors and nurses doubts... was my cry to Jesus to give me another chance. I had been seeking Him all year... but just wasn't at that "trust" stage yet. I still needed my major crutch... pop tons of my pills to escape... and if by any luck, for me and my precious 2 yr old daughter I really thought all would be better if I exited this world. All from the stress of an ex beating me right after my first brain surgery. I was very weak then. I never was prior. But God does allow a lot in our lives to crash, if other trials haven't woken us up to His glory yet. Just how far do we have to go to understand He has purpose for us--even with all the chaos in this world. It's a fallen world. I am not a perfect person. But I was on a very tough road back then mentally. I needed His love to soak in me to shine thru me-to get thru this thing called life.
I hadn't been taking any of my Phenobarbital for almost 3 months. I had been angry at it for all the overdoses I had gone thru, put people thru. I adored, respected my neurologist Dr. Joseph F Drazkowski so much. I didn't want to keep failing him--he had been trying so hard to fix what was broken in me, neurologically, psychologically, and within my personal life and in my heart. He did not like my ex and all he had pulled on me. He fought in every way to always keep me well and full time mom of Tory. But I got a call the day after my appointment with Drazkowski--and he could tell something wasn't right with me. I was very edgy. My Phenobarb level was very very low from not taking it-he could see it. The next day my ex called on October 18th in just a huge denial after a year and legal papers and pictures taken of his beating. That threw me into anger and depression. My subconscious already knew what it was going to do about it. The next morning started out with just a big handful of my Phenobarbital storage. I had a high feeling going. The day led to me going to the gym with a friend-then us all going to the mall for some lunch and shopping. As for I had popped all-over 9000 mg the moment we left the gym. So I barely but surely remember I couldn't keep my salad on my plate. My friend didn't know what was wrong. I wound up purchasing multiple items I had no idea after math that I ever did.
It hit me hard at the mall all of a sudden and I could feel life flashing. I usually took a lower amount where I could sleep it out. This was a scary feeling. I called my neurologist's cell phone about 6 pm-he told me to get to the ED up at Mayo ASAP....
The hard parts I have to remember is that I was always "tough" Heather. I said I could drive-would meet my friend at my apartment so he could take me from there. I flew down a 2 lane street that was a 40 mph--at 85... turned into a 35 one lane... and I just didn't wake up from that. But God covered my childs life-and we somehow made it home safe.
The rest of the way I don't remember when my friend was driving me to Mayo. I was out. I only woke up to the stomach pumping--which the stress on very low blood pressure probably was what put me into cardiac.... then coma. When I felt that tube going down I cried out to Jesus. He heard me, yes. He cared... He will stand around--always--but wouldn't watch me die yet. Not on His time. He was yet to mold my heart... my life... my child... my husband to be into this precious little family today-that look back at this today, yes I have some heart ache--but I see the obviously intervention of Christ and His love. His plans marvel me.
When I woke up--life was so different. I was calm. I felt life was ok, I was taken care of. The Holy Spirit was beginning it's work. His love -Jesus-was already Alive in Me.... I was just getting prepped to get well-go home and jump into my Bible to understand WHY He would give me multiple tries-chances.
That song by Nickelback feels like that night-and the time afterward I was in the hospital to get well and switch off that Phenobarbital and onto something else for my seizures. It is a song that just literally is reality- my life- God, Christian (my hubby) and me. I listen to it with a feeling of amazement. I was carried thru it. But that also, other people go thru it. And that is my point. We all have something-many have gone thru addiction, brain surgeries, domestic-violence, severe body pain (from my 3rd awake brain surgery) kidney issues, so on and on..... And I have always felt God woke me up big time thru all that- so I could share His Truth, raise my kiddo right, give love to others first, help any with issues- I can say I've been there-and thru many others. But this October issue was an amazing fall. A fall from leaning on myself and pills-and amazing to learn to lean on Christ. Life changes completely. Your outlook. The trials still arise- the perspective is just different... but correct. Satan still has ability to try to keep us all on his side-hell. He makes life absolute hell. But tempts us like it is gold. The closer you are to Christ, the more tough it is for Satan to get thru with his attacks. God has His arms around us thru all journeys- as long as we allow Him to--or don't turn away from Him in tough times.
I've heard many stories of people finding Jesus just by being told about Him. I was not one of those easy soles. I needed tragedy to wake up. I am just so gracious He heals, He accepts and loves us thru all we do. Cause if I looked at all of this and had to make a decision -do I save?? I would have opted out of saving me... But He isn't weak... He is real.
Drugs or Jesus Tim McGraw sang... that was what my year of 2003 was. A fight between trusting drugs to get me thru everything--or this Jesus guy... Jesus is love ... the pills are poison. Pills mask-Jesus heals... I am gracious.

I am very gracious to have each of you as friends and family.... I still breathe due to the love of our Lord... and many prayers thru trials after I accepted Christ. His Love Never Ends.... my goal is for mine to never end for Him...and all of you....

In Him,



Psalm 124:8 Our help is in the name of out LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

1 Corinthians 10:13 But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

James 4:7 But remember that the temptatations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it, 

James 4:10 When you bow down to the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, He will lift you up and give you honor. 

October Disaster that Led me to Christ - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


The Day That Changed Me

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The only reason I am here today... and have the family I love, is because of Jesus Christ. He had His hand on me big time thru so much in my life. And I made it thru this lonely, medication altering day... a LOT of tears... but made it thru alone....just like the good ol' trials days, just my baby Tory and me.

I try to explain my life story to everyone I meet-as for Jesus got me thru it all. So I always want people to know that when they are going thru hard times-or even good times, why they are. It's Jesus' love and protection.

My husband and I chose this date, October 6th-back in 2007, to get married to one and another-as for we knew we would never break.... no matter how hurt or what issues. Reason I chose the 6th of October in 2002 was because that was the date, at 11 pm my ex husband beat me for venting emotions about the move we made to TX, how I missed my family. I was just needing comfort. He didn't want to hear one more word. Mind you this was just 2 months after my 1st brain surgery, so I was doomed to be emotional. My baby Tory was asleep in our new, first night apartment. And as I tried to reach to him for consoling-he more than reached to me with his fists. Mind you-we had NO phone hooked up yet. I had no one there. I was alone on this 4th day in TX. But I was protective of my year and half kiddo... I didn't want to scare her, wake her to his screaming. I was awake all night-my neighbor wouldn't let me use her phone... Army backs each other up... so when that sun rose-I drove my ex to work-as if that was all I was doing. When in fact I was lost on base--but found a pay phone and was bawling my eyes out to an amazing friend, Stauffer (who introduced Christian and I) -for advice. As I was bawling to him, God made His work obvious-to me NOW. God had a Chaplain walking by me while I was bawling-he stopped to ask what he -- what HE could do!!!?? I wasn't a Christian yet and only knew to handle things on my own. But my baby Tory and I just couldn't handle this on our own. So I hung up-and followed the Chaplain.

He was amazing--and told me exactly what to do. He sent me to Social Services to get pictures of my bruises and a low down of all that happened. Then the Social Worker took me and Tory down to the police station for additional pictures. During this, my ex was evicted from our apartment by the military for our safety-til things ever were figured out. But I was having such difficult times figuring any of it out. Why I married him, why we filed for divorce so many times, why we have a kid together, why we ever tried again, but why why why would he beat me? Cause I was always the ruler, the tough one. And I guess that paid the price.

I figured out the why's. Jesus. I found him a year later-while struggling to figure who He was. While numbing, "taking care" of my own pain by popping so many of my prescription pills-Phenobarbital. He watched over me-but really watched over my baby thru everything... while bringing her into my life to find Jesus-spread Jesus. As for had she never been in my life-I just would have exited his life finally, maybe even mine. But I couldn't scare my baby girl.

I thank Him really so much for all that happened. I never would have found her dad that He really had plans for. I never would have found him - my husband as my husband. I never would have been blessed with this Jesus child. I never would have her in my life. I am so gracious.

Trials can be tough- yet such an amazing blessing as we seek Christ and He turns it all into His glory. I am done bawling today. My baby girl and I have had a wonderful night. Even talked about this some. She is one amazing girl-I give all credit to Christ. I am blessed...

I am double blessed with the most amazing husband and father of our child. Without him, I wouldn't be here-and I am not sure where Tory would be. Happy 6th anniversary married-granted over 11 together dear Christian.... we've made it so far happy-this was the date in our choice to marry- the date 11 years ago of my ex who beat me. We are a happy family-you never would think we could be thru such trauma--- that is the working of God.

Bless you all... with all my love!

In His Love,


Ezekiel 34:22  So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused. I will judge between one animal of the flock, and another.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

My baby girl and me made it thru so much thru Him... the songs aren't Christian - however they are songs that just make sense for what we went thru. My baby is so strong, was so early in her life. The only thing that ever upset her was when this other man legally would drop in once a month and try to pretend to be her "dad" for a while. While all of the brain growth years her daddy was always Christian. Still is-always will be...and blessed to say my ex was logical to sign her completely over to me back in 2009 so Christian could adopt. God works miracles. 

I Still Breathe - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Heaven Gained

The Crew

My precious friend Mary is the beautiful lady in this pick....  with a few of the amazing men from her family... including the one she just lost here on earth.... yet Heaven gained. So hard to look at it all from the flesh that way. But if we get our hearts straight with Christ, as she does more often than I do... she can feel that touch from the Holy Spirit!! Just our flash as humans, as usual sinners question God-our Maker-our Father who loves us always with amazing plans... we question HIM with why's, where's what's so on.... when He really has a really amazing plan laid out thru every step of every life lived here, every life gained by Him. And My Mary knows this.
I also know it was so tough on Mary over the last few years keeping in touch with her brother-they were both dealing with their own illnesses and life struggles... but did stay in touch on the phone as much as they could. But it was very odd.... it was like God was prepping her for this the end of August-cause she called me in tears just so upset how his illness took a turn for the worst... we discussed options of going to see him. But then the day of his departure to Heaven came... and I know she had a battle in her heart over the time lapse. But she is so strong-holding all family together as the youngest she is... and bringing all together for their loss--celebrating his exit of such pain and agony. She sure knows what that is like. But is wanting to hang on as long as Jesus allows-to help more and more see His Truth thru her beautiful way of living thru HIM.
We can find comfort with knowing he is out of these darn earthly bodies-into a heavenly one--along with their parents... right their with Christ!!
She walked into his place and saw the picture up above right away-- the first one God guided her to, letting her know he is okay, loves her-and has for so long!! Fred will have her always framed in his heart!! Awaiting the day she'll be there with him-all the family one day!
Pretty amazing family she came from... many of them. Six kiddos from those two parents in love. It was very hard, she lost her mom when she was 26... and this month was her dad's 7th year of passing... and today, of all days, her brother who passed would have been 58. They are really jamming a celebration in Heaven I say!! But here it is still hard to deal with, right away.
Cancer is very ugly--multiple types is just not fair.... God knew that. I lifted him from despair! Blessed be HIS NAME--AMEN...

I love you Mary.... always... forever....eternity.... you are my hero!

Praying for all of you in your family.....

Love... friend for life...


1 Corinthians 15:55-57
Where, O death, is your victory..
Where, O death, is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us victory thru our Lord Jesus Christ!

You ARE - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Whose Love Continues So Deep...

My Precious "spiritual Mom" :)

This beautiful lady came into my life... she will never exit it!!! She is with our Lord dancing, singing, praising  of all the beauty He created here-around her family and for her family and friends. I was maybe a small role in her life-but she is one lady who never acted like that. Even with Dementia she somehow NEVER forgot my name-and with the visits I made mind you -they were all as many as possible from out of state. That is a Christ-Like heart connection if you ask me. She knew some of my pain in life-and she wanted to be a mender... as she saw that was how I was for her. I always visited to bring upon happiness and excitement. And she always showed so much more. I am proud to call myself her daughter.... I can feel her smiling in my heart as I type this. He Celebration of life today was more than just a celebration... it brought up all years of amazing moments that many never knew about. From family, friends, neighbors, strangers... she never did one thing but make sure people knew about who brought her here to bring these four amazing kids to her life.... bring her to this world just to enjoy til she moved on to the REAL WORLD of God's Eternal. She made sure all heard about Jesus!!! AMEN!!
I always write poems in tough, blessed, amazing times... she was one of each.... I was blessed to meet so much of her family today... amazing gifts I can call each....
Thank you Libby for being an amazing friend--to bring me in to this moment that is so Godly and touching.

Here is the poem... Libby... I am not connected to all in your family... please forward this to Suzy and Bill!!! And whomever you think would enjoy to keep.....

With much love....

Poem for Miss Barbara T Baker ... my spiritual mother... same first name as my physical mom!!  :)
Whose Love Continues So Deep....

I never thought I’d meet a friend 
Whom I could call my “Mom”
A lady full of beautiful love
So ALIVE FOR ALL with no end

She was always full of Jesus
 Always steadfast, very faithful
 Precious Barbara is now dancing Above
 With Christ who knitted her true soul!

Mom had THE one of a kind personality you see
 Truly full of patience, truth, her love so Devine
 Devine to our Creator Jesus who led her to love me!
I always loved it when she’d say to me “ you are mine!”

She has 4 very amazing creations, 3 I’m meeting this very day
 Mom blessed me with her first-Libby as a friend I am so grateful for!
 She had a lot of character, humor, love and true faith as a Mom I say
 Our outings all together were a blast, faith filled laughter-wanting more!

I saw Barbara’s changes over the coarse of the years
Her faith grew so strong yet her body more delicate and weak

 Even with the illness I had-while visiting her one time in tears
She knew how to set me straight with Christ- saying “continue to seek!”

We would take her to lunch and she’d ask little me to pray
Pray for her mood to be lifted from all anxiety and fear
That was the first time we met, knowing each other would never delay

 Holding hands, closing eyes & praying to our Lord Jesus who is ever so dear!

Jesus so dear to bring her to this world and bless her with such gifts, not strife
She raised them well and brought them joy -as they do to me each day as well!
I was just so blessed to be a small part of her beautiful, intricate life
One amazing woman, my friend who loved me so much one and loved to tell!

So Miss Barbara this is Hetty, I know you see me and can always hear
 I miss you so much, that amazing bond we formed... But I know it never fades
You see me living near your sweet Libby now which put you at peace, no fear
I will keep her laughing as you did mom, knowing you’re less than a blink away

Earth was just a pit stop
A place to learn and have some fun
Up to Heaven is THE REAL THING
 Praising God and being thrilled goes on and on

So everyone pull up the shield of faith
 Knowing you only win thru love
 Miss Baker was that perfect shield
Which is why she is smiling from Above

 I love you mom.... Miss Barbara 

Isaiah 30:21  Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." 

1 Corinthians 15:55  "Where O death is your victory,  Where O death is your sting?"

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

Romans 8:16-17 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

2 Corinthians 5:6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

John 11:23-26 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

1 Corinthians 15:54-57 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

John 10:27-29 “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.” (Jesus speaking)

Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 14:8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.

Revelation 14:13 And I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Blessed indeed,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”

 ”When the time comes for you to die, you need not be afraid, because death cannot separate you from God’s love.” ~ Charles H. Spurgeon

http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe  Heather J Siebens


Singled Out? Did God Fully Accept, Or Turn?

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Hebrews 13:5-6
Stay away from the love of money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,
"I will never fail you.
I will never forsake you."
That is why we can say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper,
so I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?"

And my personal favorite to continue to look back at, throughout all tough times, when you may think He has gone on a long vacation from you;

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever!

When I was released from the hospital from the near death huge overdose-attempt in suicide. Truly thinking that if I exited, everything would just somehow be better for my precious child. I had to go back to my apartment and see things that I did barely recall buying that day-when I was blasted, out at the mall with my friend. And bought things twice-to try to keep my child entertained-and thinking that way, I would somehow keep my blasted eyes on her. I am very grateful I was at the mall with a friend and his kid-cause if I wasn't, I never would have called my neurologist ...and wouldn't be typing right now. At my apartment I just say so many things I had no recollection of even buying. And that point of overdosing never hit me before. I fell into so many tears. My mother was with me. She said to just grab what I needed, what Tory needed and let's go stay with her and dad for a few nights. And I did. And that helped. For the next three years, I'd get very depressed on the 6th of October, and the 19th. The date my ex beat me and that huge overdose. Years of counseling slowly started to get me to see thru the cracks.
Thru the years to come, I had gone thru my 2nd brain surgery like it was having a tonsillectomy. My fiancé then, husband today, Christian Siebens was so nervous. Still didn't understand how I could be so excited to go have my brain cut open-and cut out. That surgery took care of a lot of issues. God rid of weird auras I would get- certain smells would throw me into seizures. At certain times, certain music would. It was cut out. I was free from that. But just a couple days before my post operative appointment, I had a generalized seizure. Something wasn't taken out. Still. But my faith was still strong. I could feel God moving everything-His timing, His way. Hold on.
Christian and I kept learning so much about one another. The best part was, I was learning how to be more loving and kind thru him. He loves the world. I always did too. But there was someone in particular I wasn't over yet. So he took care of the once a month visits my ex had for Tory. I couldn't look at him yet.
More Bible study we had-more conviction. 1 Corinthians was hard on my whole life span with my ex. The cheating, the beating. We both were not innocent creatures in our marriage. I just wasn't ready for the "Jesus" stuff he thru in my face. Not long after this Bible study, at church during Worship-I felt the Holy Spirit big time-telling me to forgive my ex for all he put me and Tory thru--and to ask forgiveness as well, as for I wasn't a walk in the park. That changed the whole scenario. We were able to be "friends" and deal with the divorce.
Seizures were always happening, in between all of this. A huge one hit hard beginning of 2007... I had been on a very strong medication-the only one that was working for my seizures; however a very body sickening drug. It tore my weight from 120 to 89 pounds in very little time. Then it started to eat at every nutrient inside my system. I have trouble soaking several up anyway-and this medication ate it up. So I was hardly able to walk, make sense, and had a huge grand mal seizure. They searched for MS and cancer everywhere-that is what it only looked like it could be. No. It was the start of Aplastic Anemia-my white blood count was a tad off, my vitamin D was at 2 instead of 40, and B12 was below 100 as opposed to 300. It was eating me alive. And my husband was putting together everything for our wedding, as for it was just a few months away-and here I am, sick, as always.
So we pleaded, just this once, to get thru the wedding, please allow Christian to hold onto my Phenobarbital-prescribe that and he'll control it-so I can get down the aisle. We did it that way. And it worked. It worked longer than we thought. But when major stress hit, and your husband forgets to hide it and it is right in front of you--it's all over again.... so we relived and re-learned. Again. The mind is a very amazing part of the body. Addicted to nothing, but on a bad day, Phenobarbital. Just go figure.
So 3rd brain surgery was now up. I had tests to go thru. So Miss Hetty4Christ -->AliveinMe was on fire all over Twitter and Facebook--sure, very transparent-many videos on YouTube--but I was out there for prayers for other people. Helped me keep my seizures at bay--my mind off my issues.
And I met so many amazing souls. From east to west I can't even begin to explain the pouring out prayers when the date was set. People on twitter were like a Big Family. The summer before my surgery my daughter was basically abducted by my ex and his new wife. 9 days I was unable to speak to her-that was illegal in our papers. When he got her back here-and was away for a couple weeks-it was like God was preparing our family to be whole finally. My ex called wanting to sign her over to me and Christian, now that he is married-and hadn't really spent time with Tory. He could see in Tory's eyes-Christian would always be dad. He wanted to move on, in everyone's best interest. I never could have asked Jesus for more....
My date for surgery was shortly after Christmas..... it was a tough Christmas, I lost a very close friend whom I visited often-whom was stricken with very tough, debilitating diseases. It was like God was preparing me for what pain was to come. To try to remember Jason Mitchener, his amazing attitude-even while paralyzed, on a ventilator.
My 3rd brain surgery was announced to me 7 hours prior to it, in the hospital that I would have it done awake. He repeated himself 3 times-I was elated. I had been in there for 12 nights with in depth electrodes to help show them where the seizures are, and ability to turn the parts they want to take out, off to see if it would effect language, sight, hearing, etc...  That is exactly what they continued to do in the OR-with me awake. I do recall my body feeling a strange sense of pain at one point, but I would never open my mouth to that. I only open my mouth to BIG things like when I began to lose sight!! But because I didn't say a thing about the pain in my body... we can look back and say that in the areas we were snipping, most likely was from snipping a part that controls pain/comfort of the body from the brain.... and my mouth was too quiet to say a thing.
Healing afterward seemed ok--eyes were a bit off for a while... but nothing big until ...pain in my left foot began.... then my leg, then the other side---then my whole body....it hurt so bad I didn't know how to explain, but to cry. And we were set up to move to Philly.....
I thought maybe, with the small patch they put on me in the hospital (they checked me for everything!!) and the TENS unit, I would be ok. But being in the cold made it worse. Trying to find a doctor for it in Philadelphia was zero fun. We found a very nice man, but he was a Philly man. Overmedicated. That is that state. I was on so much I am not sure how I even spoke. Seizures came back, as for especially pain medication will set them off. My husband was traveling so much with his new job, or in the city, while I suffered. It wasn't like "us." But he had to impress this new job he had. It was very poor timing. So I wasn't understand God's purpose. It never seemed how much I prayed... nothing would get better-it only got worse. I felt like a terrible mother. My brother was great help, when he was there and his addictions didn't get in the way. But he needed what I took. I had to carry my medications around the house in my purse-or I wouldn't have any. Seemed like the whole world was crashing on me. I just secluded myself. My parents never called anyway-they hate stress. I just began making necklaces...
Then, I didn't see it as much as a gift from God. My dominant side of my brain, was the left, the surgical side. Because so much was taken out-a lot of my right took over-and new talents took over, and well old ones vanished. I am definitely not organized anymore. But the artistic talent I found all began with me making necklaces to get my mind off the pain....
After over two years of trauma there--I cried in deep discussion with my husband to get me back to Phoenix. I need our Church, my doctors, our family, friends, support...weather here--to try to get out of this pain. Even a few weeks would be nice. He agreed. We'd been thru too much together. Too many hospital visits. ER's.
God kept trying to knock on my door, in all different little ways. I just didn't feel like answering yet. We spent a few weeks in Palm Desert, Puerto Rico, San Diego... got some sun in me!! I was still adjusting anti seizure medications-as for I had a big one when I got here. But when I also got here, I decided I wanted the high dose of that pain patch gone-and all the pain meds--until we can see what else to do. The brain HAS to heal... that is all I could think to myself.
I went thru changing of muscle relaxants to help the pain on bad days. Two didn't work, we wen't to #3. Instantly I was looney. It made my brain seem out of this world. They warned Christian that it does that at first, then calms down... that morning my brain was already missing words-or not understanding them. That evening I was woken up from passed out on the ground after being taken from my girlfriends truck. I was so confused-I couldn't stand up and all I could say was "Christian." He loved that I do know....
I couldn't use any words but my husbands name-no word made sense-no object looked familiar or had a name other than Christian. It was so scary. And my body was "on fire" I wanted to come out of my skin....
Then at 3 am, my husband finally asleep on the cot behind me-ICU people in their office-but couldn't hear me, as for I went to say something, but all dropped, paralyzed from tongue to toes. For 4 hours. It took 4 days to get words to make sense again... basically saying it was a mini stroke....
That partially woke me up. The Devil was pushing.
I had to go thru medication changes for pain, and seizures. And I deal with anemia big time. And severe pain hits every woman cycle. But for now, it is gone.
Reason why....I really began opening my Bible again. I talked with a gentleman on Facebook who faces cancer so hard. And he sounded so much like me when all I dealt with was epilepsy and brain surgery.... but when pain set in... I got very bitter. I forgot about all my friend Jason went thru. Then this new friend told me his testimony--and I was knocked down to my knees, humbled. So gracias to God he handles it the way he handles it.....
We only have one life to live. And I have my days I pout. But I would much rather be here, keep fighting the good fight--sharing His Good News... that I would, be sulking, or shaking my fists or worse than those--going thru with suicide. These lives were planned beautifully by our Maker... no matter how bumpy, they aren't to compare-they are to live out for Him, in respect, honor, for others-to also see and live for His Glory!!

I love each of you and Praise God I am still here to say that.... no matter if a good day of health, or not so good day.... each day is precious-and I am in it for some purpose!

Blessings to each of you, in all you do!

In His Love,


2 Corinthians 4:16-18
That is why we NEVER give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever!


Sometimes People Change - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.