Wealth of Love

Love: I Will Not Backdown! 

I can't let you slip right through my hands
No, my love, don't try and run
See in my eyes, you and I are one

Every step you take, I'll be a second behind
Every move you make, I'll be the thorn in your side
And know you can't fight this now
I will not back down

I'm the sky, the stars, the moon, the setting sun
I'm the feeling inside you when you're coming undone
You know you can't fight this now
I will not back down, oh, will not back down
By Alex Band

Beautiful lyrics, as Alex Band always has whether solo or in a band. His voice in a band will take a huge percentage of all attention. It is a very one in a million amazing voice!

The love my husband gives me is something amazing that takes my full attention. Is always on my mind. Is one soul, in every way, he shows me his affection and love. His care, especially with all the medical stuff I go thru which in turn puts my family thru. He tries to make everything as easy as possible for me to get thru it all-as we keep seeking to find answers and cures. Christian keeps our family aligned and alive, and to him I am ever so grateful!

My daughter- a very special gift from God. One that was going to learn quickly and deeply about Jesus as I started to go to church when she was two. She soaked that up and shared all she knew with everyone she'd be with. "Did you know that Jesus died on the Cross for you?" It was beautiful... yet I hadn't accepted Him yet, so I was a bit mortified!! She has breezed thru all my illnesses and medical complications knowing God has a major purpose for me-one big one is being her mommy! And I am so grateful she views that. And is thrilled to tell kids what my brain has gone thru! My amazing girl just keeps growing-now has her own horses. Responsibility. Awesome child of God. Blessed Christian and I forever.

Then showing up here in Phoenix for some intense doctor appointments. I never knew I'd be staying with my parents THIS long. This stay has been so relaxing, filled with joy and love and memories. My mom always has hugs... it almost feels like going back to being a child. It has been an amazing time-going to get lunch together, update lives. I am ever so grateful for my mom and dad... and the love they show and share. I am more than blessed- I am wealthy with their love! That is how it feels! Like if you have a million dollars... same thing here but with their love. I'd take this over the money any day. One day one of us won't be here-and that money won't come with us to Heaven, nor will anything we purchased with it- but in time, our loved ones will who know our dear Lord and Savior- our Creator and Messiah... Jesus Christ. 

He has very much blessed me with this trip. Not just being in a lot less pain. But overflowing with love. Love of family. Not objects. Love is so the most important gift-it will go to Heaven with you. Has been the best stay down here in Phoenix in so long. And I credit the fact that I am with my parents. Mom's and Dad's fill little spots in the heart that become thirsty over time...time of not seeing them or communicating. When it is like before...it feels like the heart grows 3 times bigger!!! 

So dealing with all the pain I had to deal with up north- I am grateful to God- as for it gave me the reason to visit and stay with my mom and dad. Otherwise things would have just stayed more distant again. And that is so hard. The pain has calmed except for my bad rotator cuff I've had since 2006. I need to have that looked at. So, we will see what future holds! 

So much love to all of you! Blessed I am to have you in my life!

In His Love,


Deuteronomy 6:5 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.

1 Kings 10:9 Praise the Lord your God, who delights in you and has placed you on the throne of Israel. Because of the Lord’s eternal love for Israel, he has made you king so you can rule with justice and righteousness.”

1 Chronicles 16:34 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.

Job 10:12 You gave me life and showed me your unfailing love. My life was preserved by your care.

Psalm 25:7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.

Psalm 33:22 Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone.


Increase of Wrong Medication

Mine: Phenobarbital

For the life of me 
I can not remember 
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I can not believe we'd ever die 
For these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt-stricken, sobbin'
With his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he said

Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

This song used to be just so "cool" to me back in 1997- in Orange County, CA. I was so young-19. Naive. Yet the song stuck with me for years. I loved it for it's beat and coolness back then, but when things got tough and seizures worsened...when the seizures worsened, changed, and after 1st brain surgery even more so-I was addicted to music. In a way I could read in my life what they were saying. May have even been kicked more in action to read, understand lyrics after my ex husband beat me. Made it an amazing gift thru all the tough stuff. 
I later went thru having listened and read music so much come before my 2nd brain surgery that if I had auras they were huge-and usually seizures. Usually had to turn off the music I loved. Gratefully following my 2nd brain surgery, that went away- and even my 3rd-it is such a very  very rarity. Blessed I am there. I can look back at this song and see it had part of my future in it. Perhaps that is why I was led to it and loved it. Same as a couple addictive movies "When a Man Loves a Woman", "28 Days", "Girl, interrupted" .... But after I went thru my huge addiction in 2003, I questioned why ever did I turn to this song, these movies-and many more of them.....? All I know is God always has plans for us- even if He knows He has to go around barrels, He will to get us to where He is desiring us to be.
So was this past weekend His goal for me? No. Does He allow temptation -? Yes.... He knows His power-your heart, and how the two can come back to trust all over again and extreme love placing you on the path HE WANTS-HAS PLANNED and DESIRED... and in comparison, I bet you are-or if you compare my life styles, I bet you are happy I chose again His path, His Way. Letting go of the extra Primidone so I don't get extreme depression and the Phenobarbital doesn't fly up where higher than a kite. If I am on the 2/ 250mg's I am ok-those for seizures. We upped it March by additional 250 to rid of my tremors. I would rather shake than risk my life. Life is too good. Too short.
It was an amazing stay at the Mayo Psychiatric Hospital. Doctor was very confused why I was there, guessing because I don't take psych meds. But this place is unlike all other psych hospitals out there. They care. They work for your life. They lift. They treat everyone like a "normal" soul who just went thru a lot and teach in an uplifting way how to cope. So, if you ever need it, that is where to go. Amazing souls there.
Amazing when that medication begins to come out of me, I am back happy me. And I am very blessed to have such blessed friends- Scotty, Amanda, Libby, and Joseph. God's gift's to me. And my family is a gift I can never explain nor give an amount for-worth too much in my life to lose.
So oddly, off the high dose I can giggle at my history of the part of the song I placed above by The Verve Pipe. I honestly could post hundreds of songs that mean so much to me in tough times and amazing times. So to God I am very grateful I no longer get seizures with music. If you do, look into medication, then if not, brain surgery. 
The only tough part of all of this was how it would make me hit the floor -that was when I called Libby cause my poor hubby sleeps so deep he had no idea. She put him in action.. and I am still here to tell. 
See my neurologist in 20 days-we'll see what come of my medication. I'd like all the primidone gone. But even after 3 brain surgeries my seizures are complicated- we'll see, I pray.
Remember WE ALL GO THRU SO MUCH, SOMETHING BIG-and we need Jesus for it. Both nothing is worse than another one's issues, just God knows our push points-and that is ok, and amazing! Most of the time we can't trade issues with others-He knows what ones to allow in our life to help strengthen our faith. And He doesn't make mistakes!
Bless you all!!!!

James 4:7
Humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.  Draw close to God and God will draw close to you. 



Precious Gift From God-Tory

Life can sure make shifts, as we continue to live it. It is scary when there are days you don't want to live them out anymore, worse, when others have cut their lives short. I've been there. I've been the "suicidal" patient. Yet saved perhaps too many times. But He always has reason. He always works off the bad stuff, to bring us good-sooner or later. Just sometimes that later part can be aching when in distress.
My brain surgeries, over-all just seemed so simple. It is just the aftermath that is the price paid for life. And the lack of knowledge of what per se one brain surgery can do, symptom wise. But two or three-with the 3rd done awake are far fetched to ever have any statistics on outcome, or years to come after. I have been living a battle really since the first one. Now mine-God brought so much wonder and beauty and truth in between it all. So it is almost impossible to regret any of it. There are times I do wonder had I just gotten help and stayed on Phenobarb and one surgery-how crazily different life could be right now. But I was so angry at being addicted to overdosing on Phenobarb on any given bad day of the slightest to the worst-I needed that stuff out of me, which meant more surgery. Through both surgeries I had to go thru to allow me to have more choice of meds-or even medication-less perhaps one day far future-I was never bitter during it all. It took the anguish of the pain of my 3rd one to begin bitterness finally. Ever since that surgery it has been excruciating body pain, leading to memory loss (short term), eye vision complications, disassociation, vertigo, severe depression, forgetting decisions made 30 minutes ago, abnormal seizures, crazy head jolt pains,...
The list just continues and worsens in some areas. And it is like life is out of control-granted it was never in control before. That means on one of these surgeries something truly snapped that made everything in life so much more tough than it was when I was seizing non stop. I was always a go for it girl. Gutsy, fearless. But maybe that was part of my brain's downfall, and took me down with it. So many looked up to me. That I can easily walk in for a half month hospital stay with a grid deep in my brain showing them active areas, and going thru the surgery awake was like me going to a toy store as a child. Picking out what I wanted that would be good for me. Perhaps all this was just side effects of epilepsy and I was paying a price I did not know I owed. And now, as a permanent patient at Mayo with many health issues I never used to have... I am finding out I must have made a wrong choice somewhere. I just never thought I did. Mine were always right. God gave me signs of open doors. Perhaps that is all I wanted to see was the positive signs and maybe there were way more negative ones saying Heather, stick at the 2nd brain surgery-in time you will heal. I just kept pushing for it to flee as quick as possible, to have as much sparing time as a mom possible with the most special, Godly, warm-hearted soul of a gift from God to me--> my daughter Tory. I always wanted to be able to have that healthy mother daughter time with her. And as I sit here, with tears dropping-and look over at her peacefully sleeping in our hotel suite...I feel I have cheated her out of so much. Time with her mom. Time learning mom and daughter stuff. Doing more "together" stuff cause mom is almost always under the weather with one, two, three or more health issues-all triggered by my choice. My decision of every brain surgery. She, through each of them was an angel. Like God spoke directly to her - how to handle mommy and her wrapped painful head. She is one graceful child of God's. She did not get this from me. She has always been such an amazingly, GOOD child since born-angelic like. No rages. Few tears. More comfort to me. God DID hand form her. And especially for all of this. She is full of grace and love. And I look at that asking Him how?? I just wasn't a good teacher. I have barely been around. But this girl still floats thru all my tragedies like an angel. I am gracious to God for her. I don't know what all the stress I am and cause on that precious child-how it will affect her in her latter years. But I do know even I as her mom can look back and learn from her grace at all I still face-and be so grateful to God He chose me for her. And that He chose Christian to be her dad-cause they are just an amazing team. When I am upstairs a lot, when unwell, in bed-I get to hear them working together on the barn for the new horses she is getting. He is a proud dad of all she does do so gracefully-and how much she has to handle without him when I am unwell. Yet he is still a dad that teaches her tactics of how to achieve dreams. And when you do you prepare for the dream in a rational way. He does not spoil without learning involved. Makes dream achievement so much more amazing when searched out, and prepared for by hands-not paying someone to do it all for her. This girl very much deserves her dream-a way to gain peace...living and riding her dream. What a team they are! Blessings to me!
I may sit on the outside of all of this-but I see the beauty from my view-the most important view-the creators view. The one that carried her for 9 months with seizures of mine worsening every couple weeks thru it all. She was worth it all. She helped us get where we are today as a family. Many stories to share as she gets older, till then, I just love watching her grow and be who she is. I try to stay out of everyone's way with all health issues that keep hitting me more every year...but there comes a place and time where all have to be involved whether I like it or not. My families hearts always want to be there- I just want them all to have space as they live their dreams. They are my dream-as they are today, I feel my dream is far accomplished. No one could give me more than I already have. 
As for my art-I enjoy it. It continues. It will never match up to the dream of the husband, father of my daughter-my precious kiddo Tory. Christian and Tory are my life "completers. " They complete me. Thru all my battles-having them near makes the battle feel small. When both are away and I am facing some health issue- it is like my oxygen has been stolen. Without them life is not well, life is not complete. They are what truly matter to keep me going-leaping over every health issue is an ability thru the love God formed in our family. I am forever gracious.
I love you Tory Moriah. Forever.
I love you Christian Charles- and always....

My Man, My Love

Your loving, unwell mom and wife,
Hetty / Mommy

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My Loss in NY

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Picture of my husband and I attempting to see what was or biologically is, still my brother....

(Husband) Christian C Siebens and Me, Heather (Hetty) J Siebens (wife)

You're My Loss in NY Troy

Why do you chose these paths of life?
Living your life full of lies causing strife…
How do you cause such pain so heartless, no care
Are you aware of your actions and think God is not there?

Why do you have new stories every month thru the year?
How do you truly tell them like truth with no care and no fear?
I sure hope you do know every time I have reached  out to you
I do it for the brother I knew, not for the one that lies as you do

I have danced for you bro, fed and kept you sanely alive for years but you ran
You pulled away once again messages start about you going to be THE BIG MAN
All the times you say how much you love me most or others love you more
I have to realize a huge percentage of that is not here in this world behind any door

I have endured three brain surgeries, divorce from a wife beating abuse
Raising my own child while finding God where He blessed me with Truth
I have the calmest and kindest most sweet man anyone could find
One that you had a bit of him before, once were kinda one of his kind

But you let the stress and drugs tear you apart, allowing a silent illness for you to prevail 
None of this should have happened… not one thing you did or you would still be in jail
You pulled so much bad where you did learn some good with us but now its just turning
Your actions don’t make sense and your stories blow up with no truth or reality burning

You really don’t need me you need someone who follows the stories you make and believe
That isn’t for me nor my family at all- we’ve been hurt so much trying to help-help you receive
Receive true love and true jobs, true family; yet rejected we are-we ask you to truly Receive
Look to the sky close your eyes,give God all your issues; He’s the ONLY ONE that won’t deceive 

And now, thru all your years of psychiatric lies, you believe them all and become nothing
As your little sister that hurts, but what you do to me hurts more…I want to remain something
Heather J Siebens


Your Years NickyBear...

Your Years Nicky
by Hetty Jensen-Siebens 2014 ©

While you were growing 
Nicky, everything looked so right
Everyone was sharing 
Amazing plans for you each night

You came out as all expected
A gift from God, so perfect, so right
Mommy & Daddy you never rejected
You were full of Jesus' Way, Truth, Light!

But not long into this amazing little life
Came an illness that all thought would clear
No one was ready for traumatic strife
Your precious Mommy steadfast in brain tumor fear

NickyBear so young, not even a year old
In PICU following removal of that tumor
Mom and Dad stayed strong, and did not fold
All of this was truly real, not any form of humor

Nicky you faced so much I cannot compare
And I prayed to take it away
But Jesus is always loving, kind and fair
That is something we hang onto today

Your big brother was your earthly rock
Helped and watched you grow
Loved playing with you up & down your block
Misses you so much, was so hard to let you go 

But your families faith is so real and secure
Which is why you dance in Heaven
Placed there to welcome others, you are so dear 
Your precious body was 4 1/2, didn't even make it to 7

But in reality your faith was so strong
Your love overflowed and fear did not show
You my friend didn't have to live very long
In order for your faith and love to grow

Nicky you are loved today
You are loved tomorrow
You are loved every day on earth

Until you send us a sign that this earth is going to end 
At that moment is some sadness but much more gladness 
Knowing we all can be near you, meet you, be a best friend
And no longer be a part of any sickening madness 

Forever healed.

We love you always thru this....and your amazing family that has touched my life....keep your eyes on them....

Much love from the Siebens!

In His Grip,
Hetty Siebens


Busy Tough Month

This month has absolutely flown by...no, all of 2014 has. I am still in February in my mind. We were praying so hard for amazing healing for that precious kiddo, little 4 1/2 yr old Nickybear. But God had different plans and needs for him in Heaven. So hard to grip that but you have to - knowing how true our God is, as we watch Him break out miracles in our lives, left and right. But grasping such a young one needing to leave so soon, breaks my heart. It was his brain that started all the issues with cancer. And with me being an adult who makes appointments for brain surgeries to rid my seizures, I sure wish I could have taken it on for him. But, again, that isn't God's plan. And Nicky's family held so strong, so steadfast, faith filled thru it all- they did not waiver. It is like Abraham all over again. And they were blessed with twins last September ...before this all went down hill with Nicky's health. Looks like a God thing to me. They are miracle people... The uncle, Uncle Anthony, or Blue as the kids call him is one in depth, loving Uncle...and amazing brother who held tight thru Christ in all of this, yet let his tears flow for Nicky. Pointed out what Nicky went thru with a vase of all his hospital bands. My heart was moved forever.
So when I heard when the funeral was, and heard Tory, my daughter was going on Spring break with  family friends, I had to ask my husband if he could alter his work schedule to go support this with me. My heart was overwhelmed with this by a precious friend of mine, asking me to share prayers for him- Miss Julie Caudill (who painted the painting above-whale is for Nicky). I had to read his whole battle, their whole battle since 2010, he was 8 mos old. It was heart wrenching. I prayed so hard all over. So my husband, the sweet man I married, altered his schedule, for me, us, and his funeral. We wept so hard. What a wake up call as to what to be thankful for,...even if I am the sick one, I have a precious, well daughter and husband- how much better could it get?
I will continue to send prayers and love to the sweet families...letting them know we are always here for them, in any weather of their life. Bless the George's and Cyr's.
The month was just swallowed. Other than being unwell in the beginning and the funeral...it just vanished. And in a couple days I am off to Phoenix- to Mayo Clinic Hospital for some intense tests. They tell me what I have... And if it is what they think, it cuts my life rather short. But I do believe in Jesus. And His miracles and change in paths when we know what we are praying for and He agrees. I know He has had major plans for me for a long time to still be hear today.... So with that, I hold tight and believe what I have all comes from something different that is dealable. I can handle a lot of health issues... But leaving my precious family soon just breaks my heart. 
So I am praying.
And praising my family is still here.
And praying major healing upon the George's and Cyr's.
May God rain healing upon all! 

Much love, always!


Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.  Psalm 124:8

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!! 

1 John 5:14-15 And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL. And if WE KNOW He is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that He will give us what we ask for. 

Remembered forever til we meet in Heaven and you show me around!


Hanging Tight

This has been a real whirlwind couple of months... Now working into just another that doesn't look much more bright and intriguing. But thru tears, I keep hanging tight onto Christ. As for He, in the end of each treacherous day, is the only one who really gets me thru. I have amazing love and support in family and friends. I just know even that wouldn't be enough without our Lord. 
I watch close friends go thru so much anguish in their health, and I just wish, with all I already carry and seem to have more on my plate already, just top it off. I'd much rather a friend be clear of all the horrific illnesses that have entered our world and place them upon me, as for I have so much anyway. And my love for them is extreme. I am a person born with zero anxiety. I walk into brain surgeries, even the awake ones I had done like it is a fun carnival. Thrilled to rid health issues. Fearless to do it. I however have been blessed with such amazing friends up here in MN, and a few I love dearly in my family that have really bad anxiety. It is so hard for me to truly understand, but I have been thru so much in life I can get a glimpse. I think it is my duty, per God to help reach out to all these people, help show them there is so much to life when you take that first step. Put some trust into me, humorous Hetty, and we will have a ball! I'll even show you how I drive really really fast!! ☺️ It's been a goal of mine, at least when God gives me good days when I am feeling better, and more up to it.
But lately, and over the past year and a half, things have gotten a bit darker in my "well" land, and I have weeks that I have the strength to do for all, but recently more has hit my frying pan.
I have horrific tremors that will not stop. This typing is very difficult, and is every day. Everything ai do, has lessened or ceased as for when you tremor really hard, you just can't do anything. I don't just tremor in my hands. It has worsened. As it has done this before on and off and we always blamed my anti seizure meds. We just can't now. There has been 0 changes in years. Not only do I tremor in my hands so bad I can't do anything (humor really to try to watch me button or put on eyeliner) but my legs do when I walk, and my vocal chords when I talk.... And soon my tongue even paralyzes.
So, in tears I called my neuro done in Phoenix at Mayo Clinic Hospital. Instantly with what I described they are setting me up with tests in regards to movement disorders. The one she was talking about that sounded so similar, and perhaps a secondary illness due to my brain surgeries, MSP, Multi System Atrophy.... If that is really the case, once found, you are usually only around another decade or so with fast acting side effects. No cure. I am praying I am just suffering once again from the chaos a very risky anti seizure medication did to me in my past. It was FDA approved in 94, then yanked when within 10 months 10 people died from aplastic anemia, liver damage. I always am anemic, every month since I was on it in 2009- and it knocked me down to 86 lbs in weeks. Unable to eat. I had a very bad count in my blood and kept seizing till we got it in control. 
Meds can be good, they can be horrific. And here we go again. 
With all that....I honestly have not much room to cry. Christ has gotten me over every mountain...thru all the deserts where we never thought I'd return from. And even with so much brain on my dominant side missing, He blessed me with the new gift of art....right now only when He gives me strength and can get thru my tremors. So it may have been a short lived blessing, but He always has more in store for us as we keep seeking His truth and love. Had I never found Him, I would have been dead years ago. He gave me more time here to share His good news...to love my family and friends, and trust His challenges.
Anyone looking for a real challenge ...a wake up call. Go to www.nickeybear.com
This family is holding Christ tight, as He works hard thru His love on precious little Nicky. WhenI read the entire blog that started just after my 3rd awake brain surgery thru now.... I was in tears of sadness, yet joy that this family are all Paul's. They see Jesus' heart thru every step. They see human mistakes but never blame Jesus! They look to Him for comfort and answers and healing! He loves them so much. This family -the George's - are feeling God's pain watching their baby go thru cancer of the brain-after treatments looked great, he was so well....are now watching the treatments attacking his sweet soul. Giving up your baby would be terrifying, and very cold hearted in most cases. But they look to our God for healing....and if not- to take him and his pain and misery away to his creator. Your plans they trust. They have me in awe! And just as God did for Abraham as he took his son Isaac to be sacrificed- as God instructed.... As Abraham followed all directions God told him.... God withdrew the sacrifice directing Abraham not to! That all Abraham's true trust in our Lord, right down to his real son, Abraham's only son...from that day on he was to be blessed -multiply his descendants!  As I look at this family and how this mom pushed thru with such love and grace for Nicky, her whole family- trusting God knows what He is doing- He blessed them with amazing twins last September! Our God is good! This kid has made impacts all around the world thru this amazing mom and dad! He has changed lives, faiths, attitudes. Never to be forgotten. Nicholas and Angelia are very humble loving souls to this world, their family, ultimately Jesus Christ. My heart will never be the same after their impact. Bless you all....and her brother Anthony... You all make a difference! 

As I tie this up... Please say a prayer for my precious friend Nancy Brennan Oliver who just lost her dad in hospice. He was one very very special man. Told my dear friend Tommy Monje everything he needed to know in life. Bless these people Lord. Lift them up and hold them tight. Papa is dancing with Jesus...Godspeed. Love you all! 

In His Love,


2 Peter 3: 8-9
But you must not forget friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise to return, as some people think. No, He is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so He is giving more time for everyone to repent.

1 John 5: 14-15
And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL. And if WE KNOW He is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that He will give us what we ask for. 

Lamentations 3: 22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance;therefore, I will hope in Him!" 

Lamentations 3: 31-32
For the LORD does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. 


Christmas at the Siebens 2013

A Whole New Year!!

Honey, I love you so much-but we sure have crazy years
Hard to compare them all when really we should be ready for tomorrow
Last thing I want to do is spend a great percent of my years in tears...
But with your hand Christian you help me see good and not sorrow!

Jesus has a purpose for everything
This I know is true
We live where it snows and could go skiing!
It's just getting me well enough to ever make it thru!

I believe stronger Heather is coming back in some ways as before
Yet I know New Hetty has new focuses and opinions that may shock a ton!
But Hetty is so thrilled to be with you Christian-you're her rock that makes love soar!

With all I put you thru-with pills, needles, blood, no blood
upset doctors, irate nurses, no one understanding what we face together
At times it felt out of control-so I'd pray to Our Lord-"take me out by flood!"
But then I would look into your eyes and this word strikes me for good-FOREVER!

So keep a hold of me always
NEVER let me go
Rivers are raging hard
And this state has endless snow

Without a man like YOU,
I never would have lived
You kept my chin up with things to do
Thru the good and the bad I just wanted to give!

One to learn more about
Then soon knowing US-to become ONE
Thru God I NEVER had one doubt!

We will construct this road Christian
Let's enjoy each other, go fishing
And keep ME from going BONKERS!!!

Let's keep holding each other tight
as the sun sets each night
There is so much beauty in you and I
not a thing too complicated for us to try!

I Love you endlessly Hotty Hubby Christian,

In His Love and Grip,

Hetty, your blessed wife!


Brain Pain

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This simple, last procedure turned out to be much more of a nightmare than planned. We knew I had to be in Phoenix roughly 10 days for the staples... but since it has been opened and shut now 7 times, it takes it much longer to heal-I had a two week staple run. It was AGONY! God bless my in laws for housing me and taking me places. But I will say, the house was very very warm-which made it very tough for my incision to heal. It would just swell up when the heat got to it. And pound like no tomorrow. I didn't think my head pain would allow me to tomorrow. All of this agony and it was just taking screws out-not brain this time. Which meant we didn't even crack and remove my skull piece. But it felt the worst of all of them-granted, I just don't have enough skin left for another -barely did for this one.
The swelling has finally begun to go down... so it doesn't feel as oddly shaped as before. With this procedure the neurosurgeon cut the front flap open laying it forward over my eyes-dug out all 4 of my screws and plates (one was still there from 2005) had to cut muscle to reach all of these areas-that is the painful part. But very kind neuro, placed it back nicely and evenly as possible he said  :)
It was pain I didn't expect-and wow was I ever very very cranky from the pain. The moment it would hit me-my mouth would just go. My poor hubby, well for the time he was there. Ah, and then there is the aftermath. The day your wife just doesn't want to get out of bed. Not from pain or illness. Just upset. Will turn to tears when he turns away. Depression kicked in. Every surgery this happens-usually for a month or so, usually due to coming off pain meds and still having some pain. And playing with the noggin can't be blissful for the brain always. I know all the ways to fight depression-have lectured so many on it... but when you are in that rut yourself, it is up to you to take care of it. Living where we live-I reached for a months refill on Prozac for now-unless I snap out of this bit of darkness. I have too much good to let it rule over me.... this surgery was a tough time-taking so long. It took over Thanksgiving, my birthday, and is cramming my Christmas... I think that has a lot to do with my blues. But tomorrow is another day... we will see what that day has in store!

Thru all the pain... and much larger scar (wider) I do feel what I did was very logical... as for I haven't been hit down in ultimate misery from the screws feeling like they were going to explode from my head. So blessed I am indeed. Just was a very rough road!!! One I won't be on ever again!!!! AMEN!

Blessings to you all for such amazing support, prayers, love etc.... I am alive and me and so much better all because of YOU!!! Bless your hearts!!!

In His Grip,


Deuteronomy 6:5
And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.

1 John 4:9
God showed how much HE LOVED US by sending HIS ONLY SON into the world so that we might have eternal life thru Him. This is REAL LOVE. It is not that we LOVED GOD, but that HE LOVED US and sent HIS SON as a sacrifice to take away OUR SINS

Very Thankful from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know how You ever got me into this world
I don't get who was chosen for who
I don't get how You watched over me thru all my years of seizures
I don't get why I was ridden with epilepsy, or how
I don't get why my heart seemed so much more sensitive than parents
I don't get why parents never could show or teach love
I don't get how I could and ran off to marry at 19 to feel some sort love
I don't get why I never could seek You, out of spite toward my ex
I don't get how I flowed in and out of love with many, but returning to my ex
I don't get how while You were showing me "signs" of You, I just couldn't wake up
I don't get how I could roll my tiny Tercel 3 times the freeway, car totaled, and walk away with a faint thanks to "whatever" God, and so upset same time my 10 disc changer was run over by CHP....so selfish
I don't get why my ex and I kept breaking and making up...leading to what we thought was our last break up, in friendship, over dinner with wine...I conceived my, My precious Tory that night
I don't get why my seizures had to go on overdrive, leading to very high toxic prescribed doses of Phenobarbital
I don't get why my ex tried to put any time in, when he was against it all from the start
I don't get how he ever could have wanted an abortion, not see it as a sign from God- Whom he grew up learning about.
I don't get how he was full of rage enough to beat me up two months after 1st brain surgery...
I don't get why I had to keep overdosing to numb my pain
I don't get why I ever had the gut feeling to find You, during my overdosing days
I don't get how You singled me out from my family to be the ONE to search and find You.
I don't get, as I was seeking You, how I could still be loved unconditionally thru all the drama I brought in
I don't get how You heard my cry before the pumping of my stomach and coma hit...and You kept me perfectly well and alive thru You when I woke.
I don't get how many hospitalizations I've been thru ... 3 of them brain surgeries...yet my local parents couldn't come to see me, my dad came about twice in 12 years, over 30 hospitalizations
I don't get how my girl, when she was a baby, she knew exactly how gentle she had to be to me, due to my wrapped head throbbing from first brain surgery, her arms just slowly wrapped around my legs with eyes of love and healing.
I don't get how my parents can just let her out of their ignorant lives.
I don't get how I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me, mostly, beating me
I don't get how WE are the center of our lives
I don't get how I am the chosen one of both sides of the family, to find YOU, and make it known
I don't understand why all sides of my family reject you
I don't get who will ever awaken some one
I don't understand how parents can be so selfish
I don't get how my parents can totally separate from me, so many times, til completely....
I don't get all the struggles they endure and shake their fists for years on end, instead of trying to let You in...
I don't get how I was blessed with the best husband ever, by a past friend a long time before we somehow both knew.
I don't get Kim's accident....it hurts my heart...

But as I say all this in deep down truth and question...I lay it back on Your feet...cause You are our Creator, the One True God, The Alpha and Omega, Spring of Life, Emmanuel, The Holy One, my Best Friend, One and Only One with unconditional love for me, my family, families family and friends, Kim, Troy, my parents.... Everyone suffering knowing and accepting You...and amazing the love and concern You have on those who don't know You still. Isn't a toll to pay for Your Love and concern....but Your accepting us is already done, getting to Heaven we have to know how to truly accept. We may never know exactly Your plans, but we are to pray for You to lead us Your way thru them while our hearts, souls, minds recognize the plans You are placing in our lives, in Your Will. We may not understand tough or tragic times, but we are to take all troubles, fear, suffering etc-and give it all to You to take off us as we remain faithful in You every step. If we ever doubt, You fill us with the Holy Spirit that reminds us of all you did, have done, will do... The only way we are complete is when we surrender ourselves to You, giving up everything You say or bring, pick up our cross and carry it, thrilled to share every part of You, and our lives pertaining to You. You changed me forever, I am every so grateful.

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Dear Joseph

This was what my heart had me write for this very special friend to me... and so many others. He takes on trials in life so much more eloquently than he will ever give himself credit for. So I had about 15 minutes for my heart and mind to write what God was guiding me to say... reason it came out good is for HIS glory, and here, Joseph- His dear son, that just needed to hear his blessings he pours out to all others... and for this friend, I am eternally grateful to Jesus for having our social cyberspace cross paths and connect. Connect and learned so much about what each other has endured, is enduring- found out that LoveGrows! :) From the man of LearningGrows-they both do! But we have to have the amazing heart Joseph Gier has in order for our minds to open up to LearningGrows!! He is a live, proven fact.

Bless you Joseph... I pray you like that package of crazy Heather stuff.... but most of all I pray you were touched by this poem... Much love to an amazing brother of mine for life!  :)  And I willingly chose that... which moves my life positively!

Dear Joseph~
October25th, 2013-eternal  :)

Roads we have chosen are never always perfect.
Some seem so long and endless, others fast and fearless.
Some flat tires come along on our journeys more than once.
Yet at some times we roll our cars just simply heading out to lunch.

Some of us always have a full deck of the perfect cards to win
Others seem like God's against them-we always have to give in
But giving in isn't a criminal act, or any type of wrong doing
As long as we "GIVE IN TO THE RIGHT SOUL" which ends up such a blessing

Cause giving "into" Jesus, is just giving Him our "mess…"
He loves us tons-to take our "hands" and have us suffer less
He needs our hearts and our hope to form His amazing plans
Plans He's had forever for us-plans to prosper not to harm-to take us by our hand

To watch over us at all times, and never take a break
His love and plans are so intense that many think He's fake
But He just wants you to give your heart a shot for His love
As for He's the only God who has room for us in His mansion up above

But it is a mansion for those who have hearts and those who also have tears
Those who stumble and sin and go thru trials that feel like never-ending years
But as our faith grows during the times of our walk-struggles seem less tough
Because Jesus has it all on His back, fighting off the Devil who thinks he is so buff

But I know your heart dear Joseph, it is one very unique from our Creator
You may think your heart is mean and life that is tough now just gets worse later
But just grab onto Christ and a little bit of faith to grow
And you will be amazed where in life He has you go!

To close I just must tell you, I have never felt so blessed
Your kindness in life makes my heart grow outside of my chest
You are one to always want to help and make other people smile
Knowing you thru Christ keeps my faith high, and lessens all tough trials.

Thank you Joseph for being my friend
and sharing you troubles with me
With faith in Christ this package I send
As you trust and set your heart free!!

Many blessings, prayers… and always laughter!!
In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

From my precious family to you... and yours! 


Will Life Change

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or not able to live life with until healed either here or in Heaven. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

Will Life Change?

All I can say is, life has been frustrating. You see it and ask God... "why was I born?" You go from this you go to that. All so negative, all so wrong. You run into good just to be hit with bad. It continues for time. Time, time that feels like it will run on and on like a clock that WON'T die. You then look at yourself, in disgrace and remorse and ask "Won't it get better, won't my life change?" You then think it won't. You look down at your feet and you cry like a child, a child that got beat. You THEN contemplate how to DO IT and if you are "STRONG" enough. Strong enough to carry out the "task." The "task" to leave all others and the trials you did not defeat. You don't talk to others about your issues in life. You just judge them yourself and live in "denial." You let the problems get worse, you plan to QUIT life in a while. Now people keep asking what is the matter with me..? Why are they caring now, just let me be!! For I am unworthy for anyone's love, for anyone's trust. I haven't made life change, and a complete change in me is a MUST.
Then this wonderful man had entered my life. He had entered it happily though my life caused so much strife. He stuck with me thru all of my pain. All of my issues that you would think that I was insane! No, this man was so caring, this man was my rock. He caused me to get BETTER, caused OTHERS to TALK!! About how I got better, about how I could smile! They were quite shocked! They had not seen that in a while! I am so worthy thru Christ to be happy in life-for now I know how to be--blessed to be Christian's wife!!! (HAPPY!!)

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or able to live life with. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

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Because of YOU

I am ALIVE... to tell you how REAL Jesus is!! 

"You know I can't be there each time that you call... I swore not to come but I'm here after all... I know by the look that I see in your eye... I won't stand around and I won't watch you die!!"  ~Nickelback

Those lyrics were reality for me. My life growing up was very simple for the most part. But a couple things threw me into a spiral of mega trial for me. I didn't know Jesus... only heard about Him when I was 19, and graciously rejected all that stuff. But I look back now, and see His footprints and major clenches holding onto me thru so much. But there will never quite be an understanding of really WHY He saved me again October 19, 2003.... I always have to share this very openly every October because it is a shocking, amazing, breath taking reality. A daily reminder of how much He truly loves us thru so much of our crap we pull. He WILL be there each time that we call. Humans won't. And thank God my husband of today refused to be there that day for me. I don't think with his very little understanding of all I was going thru, went thru, what brain surgery can cause along with the addictive medication when prescribed at way too high of a dosage while pregnant. Nor would he ever really understand when I was beaten not quite two months after my 1st brain surgery -October 6th, 2002- how that was what started my whole addiction-overdosing of my anti seizure medication-Phenobarbital. He had seen me "unwell" several big times where I was knocked out for 24 hours. But had he ever been around for the amount I took October 19th 2003... seen me get my stomach pumped, need CPR, go into coma... and only reason I ever awakened ... with all doctors and nurses doubts... was my cry to Jesus to give me another chance. I had been seeking Him all year... but just wasn't at that "trust" stage yet. I still needed my major crutch... pop tons of my pills to escape... and if by any luck, for me and my precious 2 yr old daughter I really thought all would be better if I exited this world. All from the stress of an ex beating me right after my first brain surgery. I was very weak then. I never was prior. But God does allow a lot in our lives to crash, if other trials haven't woken us up to His glory yet. Just how far do we have to go to understand He has purpose for us--even with all the chaos in this world. It's a fallen world. I am not a perfect person. But I was on a very tough road back then mentally. I needed His love to soak in me to shine thru me-to get thru this thing called life.
I hadn't been taking any of my Phenobarbital for almost 3 months. I had been angry at it for all the overdoses I had gone thru, put people thru. I adored, respected my neurologist Dr. Joseph F Drazkowski so much. I didn't want to keep failing him--he had been trying so hard to fix what was broken in me, neurologically, psychologically, and within my personal life and in my heart. He did not like my ex and all he had pulled on me. He fought in every way to always keep me well and full time mom of Tory. But I got a call the day after my appointment with Drazkowski--and he could tell something wasn't right with me. I was very edgy. My Phenobarb level was very very low from not taking it-he could see it. The next day my ex called on October 18th in just a huge denial after a year and legal papers and pictures taken of his beating. That threw me into anger and depression. My subconscious already knew what it was going to do about it. The next morning started out with just a big handful of my Phenobarbital storage. I had a high feeling going. The day led to me going to the gym with a friend-then us all going to the mall for some lunch and shopping. As for I had popped all-over 9000 mg the moment we left the gym. So I barely but surely remember I couldn't keep my salad on my plate. My friend didn't know what was wrong. I wound up purchasing multiple items I had no idea after math that I ever did.
It hit me hard at the mall all of a sudden and I could feel life flashing. I usually took a lower amount where I could sleep it out. This was a scary feeling. I called my neurologist's cell phone about 6 pm-he told me to get to the ED up at Mayo ASAP....
The hard parts I have to remember is that I was always "tough" Heather. I said I could drive-would meet my friend at my apartment so he could take me from there. I flew down a 2 lane street that was a 40 mph--at 85... turned into a 35 one lane... and I just didn't wake up from that. But God covered my childs life-and we somehow made it home safe.
The rest of the way I don't remember when my friend was driving me to Mayo. I was out. I only woke up to the stomach pumping--which the stress on very low blood pressure probably was what put me into cardiac.... then coma. When I felt that tube going down I cried out to Jesus. He heard me, yes. He cared... He will stand around--always--but wouldn't watch me die yet. Not on His time. He was yet to mold my heart... my life... my child... my husband to be into this precious little family today-that look back at this today, yes I have some heart ache--but I see the obviously intervention of Christ and His love. His plans marvel me.
When I woke up--life was so different. I was calm. I felt life was ok, I was taken care of. The Holy Spirit was beginning it's work. His love -Jesus-was already Alive in Me.... I was just getting prepped to get well-go home and jump into my Bible to understand WHY He would give me multiple tries-chances.
That song by Nickelback feels like that night-and the time afterward I was in the hospital to get well and switch off that Phenobarbital and onto something else for my seizures. It is a song that just literally is reality- my life- God, Christian (my hubby) and me. I listen to it with a feeling of amazement. I was carried thru it. But that also, other people go thru it. And that is my point. We all have something-many have gone thru addiction, brain surgeries, domestic-violence, severe body pain (from my 3rd awake brain surgery) kidney issues, so on and on..... And I have always felt God woke me up big time thru all that- so I could share His Truth, raise my kiddo right, give love to others first, help any with issues- I can say I've been there-and thru many others. But this October issue was an amazing fall. A fall from leaning on myself and pills-and amazing to learn to lean on Christ. Life changes completely. Your outlook. The trials still arise- the perspective is just different... but correct. Satan still has ability to try to keep us all on his side-hell. He makes life absolute hell. But tempts us like it is gold. The closer you are to Christ, the more tough it is for Satan to get thru with his attacks. God has His arms around us thru all journeys- as long as we allow Him to--or don't turn away from Him in tough times.
I've heard many stories of people finding Jesus just by being told about Him. I was not one of those easy soles. I needed tragedy to wake up. I am just so gracious He heals, He accepts and loves us thru all we do. Cause if I looked at all of this and had to make a decision -do I save?? I would have opted out of saving me... But He isn't weak... He is real.
Drugs or Jesus Tim McGraw sang... that was what my year of 2003 was. A fight between trusting drugs to get me thru everything--or this Jesus guy... Jesus is love ... the pills are poison. Pills mask-Jesus heals... I am gracious.

I am very gracious to have each of you as friends and family.... I still breathe due to the love of our Lord... and many prayers thru trials after I accepted Christ. His Love Never Ends.... my goal is for mine to never end for Him...and all of you....

In Him,



Psalm 124:8 Our help is in the name of out LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

1 Corinthians 10:13 But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.

James 4:7 But remember that the temptatations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it, 

James 4:10 When you bow down to the Lord and admit your dependence on Him, He will lift you up and give you honor. 

October Disaster that Led me to Christ - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


The Day That Changed Me

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The only reason I am here today... and have the family I love, is because of Jesus Christ. He had His hand on me big time thru so much in my life. And I made it thru this lonely, medication altering day... a LOT of tears... but made it thru alone....just like the good ol' trials days, just my baby Tory and me.

I try to explain my life story to everyone I meet-as for Jesus got me thru it all. So I always want people to know that when they are going thru hard times-or even good times, why they are. It's Jesus' love and protection.

My husband and I chose this date, October 6th-back in 2007, to get married to one and another-as for we knew we would never break.... no matter how hurt or what issues. Reason I chose the 6th of October in 2002 was because that was the date, at 11 pm my ex husband beat me for venting emotions about the move we made to TX, how I missed my family. I was just needing comfort. He didn't want to hear one more word. Mind you this was just 2 months after my 1st brain surgery, so I was doomed to be emotional. My baby Tory was asleep in our new, first night apartment. And as I tried to reach to him for consoling-he more than reached to me with his fists. Mind you-we had NO phone hooked up yet. I had no one there. I was alone on this 4th day in TX. But I was protective of my year and half kiddo... I didn't want to scare her, wake her to his screaming. I was awake all night-my neighbor wouldn't let me use her phone... Army backs each other up... so when that sun rose-I drove my ex to work-as if that was all I was doing. When in fact I was lost on base--but found a pay phone and was bawling my eyes out to an amazing friend, Stauffer (who introduced Christian and I) -for advice. As I was bawling to him, God made His work obvious-to me NOW. God had a Chaplain walking by me while I was bawling-he stopped to ask what he -- what HE could do!!!?? I wasn't a Christian yet and only knew to handle things on my own. But my baby Tory and I just couldn't handle this on our own. So I hung up-and followed the Chaplain.

He was amazing--and told me exactly what to do. He sent me to Social Services to get pictures of my bruises and a low down of all that happened. Then the Social Worker took me and Tory down to the police station for additional pictures. During this, my ex was evicted from our apartment by the military for our safety-til things ever were figured out. But I was having such difficult times figuring any of it out. Why I married him, why we filed for divorce so many times, why we have a kid together, why we ever tried again, but why why why would he beat me? Cause I was always the ruler, the tough one. And I guess that paid the price.

I figured out the why's. Jesus. I found him a year later-while struggling to figure who He was. While numbing, "taking care" of my own pain by popping so many of my prescription pills-Phenobarbital. He watched over me-but really watched over my baby thru everything... while bringing her into my life to find Jesus-spread Jesus. As for had she never been in my life-I just would have exited his life finally, maybe even mine. But I couldn't scare my baby girl.

I thank Him really so much for all that happened. I never would have found her dad that He really had plans for. I never would have found him - my husband as my husband. I never would have been blessed with this Jesus child. I never would have her in my life. I am so gracious.

Trials can be tough- yet such an amazing blessing as we seek Christ and He turns it all into His glory. I am done bawling today. My baby girl and I have had a wonderful night. Even talked about this some. She is one amazing girl-I give all credit to Christ. I am blessed...

I am double blessed with the most amazing husband and father of our child. Without him, I wouldn't be here-and I am not sure where Tory would be. Happy 6th anniversary married-granted over 11 together dear Christian.... we've made it so far happy-this was the date in our choice to marry- the date 11 years ago of my ex who beat me. We are a happy family-you never would think we could be thru such trauma--- that is the working of God.

Bless you all... with all my love!

In His Love,


Ezekiel 34:22  So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused. I will judge between one animal of the flock, and another.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

My baby girl and me made it thru so much thru Him... the songs aren't Christian - however they are songs that just make sense for what we went thru. My baby is so strong, was so early in her life. The only thing that ever upset her was when this other man legally would drop in once a month and try to pretend to be her "dad" for a while. While all of the brain growth years her daddy was always Christian. Still is-always will be...and blessed to say my ex was logical to sign her completely over to me back in 2009 so Christian could adopt. God works miracles. 

I Still Breathe - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.