9/14/12

Why God?

Add to GoogleAll to His Glory I'm here, can function, can think!!
I have never thought #1... that things could get much worse than what my 3rd brain surgery, that was done awake, and what it caused-never could think anything could possibly get worse. But I was more than tragically wrong. On Friday the 7th of September--I went thru such a medical trauma-one worse than my tough 12 years of major doctor visits, figuring everything out with me and my brain.
I was in such utter pain and have been since the 3rd brain surgery back in 2010. Haven't had complete pain free days since, just finding ways to cope when I can. But I was in my doctors office in extreme pain and spastic legs. That then felt like nothing could get worse-on the contrary: I was on a brand new medication to help me walk and function. It at first began to help. But within 36 hours into it, I never thought I would be any part of me again. My brain was all miswired. Not just seizures; I say just seizures cause I've had those all my life and get thru them. No, this was at first so scary cause I lost ability to converse. I couldn't understand ANYTHING anyone was ever saying, nor could I say anything except my husbands name and last name. I couldn't even remember my own daughters. And with all questions my answer would always come out Christian-cause I thought that was the word I was looking for. I thought this was going to be way too tragic to ever handle; God decided to show me even tougher.
In ICU I woke up early morning (middle of night) and my precious hubby was sleeping. I was going to try to tell him this weak feeling I was getting-but it was no longer just weird, I was unable to lift any part of my body. My muscles went limp. My neck muscle gave and threw it to the side, opposite direction of where my hubby was sleeping. But even my facial, mouth, tongue muscles were gone-so I couldn't use my speak nor use my hands/arms/legs for anything. So I was stuck unable to talk to anyone about what felt like permanent paralyzation-of limbs, neck, face, mouth tongue-for life. I couldn't even cry at that time. Then I'd fall into short sleep. And again it would hit. But my 3rd round, several hours later-I was finally able to slowly move and talk what words I could remember. But back to zero in making any sense-no matter how my brain knew what I needed/wanted to say, or read, or try to type.
I stayed unable to truly communicate for over 48 hours. Only good part was I only knew, really knew, my husband's name thru all of it. My life was looking like a very burned brain, for life. But I sure loved him-and so much today.
I am so grateful to God for the husband I have-who was very worried, but stayed so strong and loving and uplifting thru it all. Had he not been there-not sure if I would have made it thru this time.
All discussed small stroke with me and perhaps 2 very different types of seizures that were attacking me. But memory being gone would have altered life forever. I wouldn't have known how I'd ever want to stay around if that burned.
We always, ALWAYS think a certain tragic trial is tough; but not long after we come to personal realization THRU GOD'S Help--that those WEREN'T THE WORST... and I was shown way way worse ever - to realize to be able to be grateful thru the tragedy of the original tragic trial that holds me back from a lot of things-yet it doesn't take everything out of my brain-and always able to still use may painful body-never paralyzed prior. So all I can do is look back at all I was and now still going thru-seizures, severe body limb pain...but I now, can speak and remember most everything again. To lose everything we have as a human body, was not just depressing, really, it was most frightening as ever. And as I type thru this-I wipe tears away; as for it was very traumatic wondering if I'd ever know my family again-be able to be with my amazing Christian. It all looked so dark then. But thru deep silence from God thru a few years of my severe body pain-probably from my 3rd brain surgery...He sure had a lot to teach me with all I just went thru. And I am so very humbled and thrilled I am still alive, able to speak and listen and understand-and able to bodily function-in pain, but I CAN!
Jesus sure let me know He is still here. Just not exactly how I want things-but He is working on the way, HIS WAY- for His Glory. So I hang on tight.
I am very gracious for every friend and my family who all came together in rough times-but kept me as chipper as possible-more than anything LOVED!
Thank you all....
Thank you Jesus...
and thank You Christian. No words to describe my love. I know words now-but nothing is enough right now-I am very gracious-I thank Jesus for you!!

Each day we get hit, I will try to remember this day and know how much worse it can be-cause I really never want to see that again. I am never fearful-but that did me in. I am worn out but gracious!
Bless you all-I am ever so grateful.
In His Loving Arms,
Heather Siebens

#Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness. ~C.S. Lewis #Quote









9/5/12

One True God


Add to GoogleI have only ONE True God....
But there are so many times that it feels like He has taken time off, can't hear my prayer, nor my tear to catch. And then, I am hurt more and withdrawal. Cause it doesn't feel like He truly cares or has any answer... even though the correct side of me knows He does care. He does hurt when I hurt. But when it feels like Jesus is on vacation as I suffer never-ending, then I'm in the step away motion. Feel like no prayer will do a thing.
But I truly do know He is there. Just what makes it hard to hang on thru all the pain- is the docs today are so afraid of any true diagnosis, as for the medication of one may be hard on my epileptic body. But none of this is fun. And this utter pain is way worse than all the seizures I've had. But finding a real doc to take on the case to juggle with diagnosis, is basically impossible.
So I pray the doc I see tomorrow gives me clarity-or a great referral. But this isn't a way to live. In temporary relief-week to week.

Please pray there is a positive answer tomorrow!! Or I will lose my mind!!

Love to all....

Heather

PS ... Christian - sorry for such disastrous night.. I love you!!

Us Always My Love from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.