All I can say... is a BIG AMEN!! Jesus Christ saved me when He died on the Cross for us all over 2000 years ago... but October seems to be an amazing, blessed month for me--thru HIM!!
He saved me in 2002, back when I didn't know Him. My ex beat me. I can go a little more in depth on this Blog, as for I was entitled this day to write one... and this is the day our Savior SAVED me from death in 2003. I feel He needs a little more in depth detail to tell all HOW AMAZING HE IS.
I went thru my first brain surgery August 7th, 2002. Was quite painful... and stressful. As for #1 I didn't know Jesus. #2 my husband then, ex now... and I really had a very tough relationship. Had since the get-go in 1996... but worsened as for he was so angry my illness interrupted his schooling. Wasn't my goal. We got pregnant in 2000--- and my seizures which used to be controlled, just skyrocketed. Now granted, we got pregnant, the night we were kindly planning another divorce. I looked at it as a reason to stay together-- he was so angry, as for he was stuck. And was in another relationship he had to break.
Had my brain surgery in 2002, because my seizures just would not be controlled by anything. Tried everything you can name. And ones that even thru me into a psych ward back in Alabama in 2001, as for they didn't know how to handle all that change from pregnancy there. I will say, changing meds back and forth does not make you the most pleasant being, seizing left and right doesn't help... while raising a baby while exhausted all by yourself, because your other half is stationed elsewhere... mind you are never able to talk, as for he was having another grand time with another woman as well. So, after my 1st brain surgery... he was given a couple weeks to come out to help take care of our baby, while I healed. Was just a living nightmare. #1 He had never been around her--so he didn't know how. #2 He had such little care for my pain, that checking on me was more than a task. #3 Began true thoughts of despair of what was going on--he had so much pinned up anger. But a couple weeks after, he went back to Texas where he was stationed. Allowed my time of rent to be lived out thru September in AZ-very gladly. Mind you.. I still didn't know Jesus. I just talked to myself--whatever "god" might be out there on rights and wrongs. We had already been thru so much I haven't listed on this part...such as adultery, many break-ups etc.. that this was just getting to be wearing. Especially when trying to recover, and raise this kid. But when time came-- Tory (my daughter) and I, got on the plane-- flew out to Texas. There, within 20 minutes he was saying such evil words-- like "if you don't like it here--you can go back, but Tory will stay...." WOW!!! Never expected. But we pressed on from Austin to Killeen. And wow... he just grew snappier. I know I wasn't perfect. But in the past days, there used to be this comforter in him. It was distinguished. Even after-mind you not quite two months after my brain surgery. And our beautiful kid-finally together. No.. did nothing. His anger grew more violent. This coming from the one who thru all this Jesus stuff in my face in 1996-unexpectedly. Took up to the fourth day that we were there- that I was sitting there in our living room- finally had an apartment... got our kid down late... it was 11 pm that I was emotional. Hoping he'd be his old self and come hold me, say we will all get thru it. I was sitting there listening to my good ol' Counting Crow's- and missed Phoenix and family. And he just looked at me in disgust and said he wasn't dealing with it-all I do is complain. WOW... I hadn't even said anything... just wanted a loving touching hand.. and anger grew and grew.. then he got louder.. and I had to remind him we have a child... he was so aggressive, that I told him I was taking the bedroom he could take the couch if he couldn't talk--he busted thru that bedroom door--knocked me down... pinned me down, and began the bruising on me from there. Was a nightmare!! We had no phone!!! The neighbor was Army too--and wouldn't let me turn him in...get help... I had to wait til the next day... to get down to the base to find a phone. Had to sleep with my car keys--as much as I REALLY SLEPT!!
AND WOW!! That is where God works. I was bawling with Tory in my arms on a calling card to a dear friend-AFAR--what to do?? And an Army Chaplain walked by--stopped watching me bawl--asking HOW HE COULD HELP!!??? So many on lunch breaks, and off to meetings, etc.. many just don't have time today--we are all just so booked, but this soul felt Jesus speak to him... the #1 I was in despair, #2 I needed some nudge to Jesus....
We tried counseling very short term thru him, as for my ex would not accept the fact that he beat me--even with the social services having taken pictures to prove it. My daughter and I up for hours for that--on base--and the Police Department. She was shaken... I sure was too. The despair of it was, as much as I love my family, they would not believe me--that he beat me, and he was kicked out of the apartment. So hard to deal with tragic reality. So between it all--it began a severe feeling of despair and loneliness- as for I still did not know Jesus yet. So who to pray to??
I talked to lawyers, to neighbors, on the phone to whom is my dear dear husband today... my neurologist-Dr. Drazkowski-(I still see and thank Jesus for today).... looking for answers. Just hadn't found one true answer yet... as for I began to reach for my Phenobarbital-seizure medication, take extra to ease and numb pain. Would pound a great handful fly in my car up to Austin--the city. I loved it-I love cities. And I had a family friend there we'd visit. He could see there wasn't something the same about me. Took several visits... and invited my now husband down to visit in Dec of 2002. Asking a neighbor to watch Tory---NIGHTMARE. #1 I felt it was all wrong somehow-- and was just in despair from all I was going thru... #2 popped sooo many of my pills surprised I am typing... but-- it led my family friend (my dad's best friend from high school-Bill) to call my parents and say "GET OUT HERE NOW---SHE NEEDS YOU!!" And they were on the first flight finally... as for it was a blessing--cause my ex picked up our kid--wasn't supposed to--and found which hospital I was at-even though he wasn't supposed to have Tory-nor be near me. Shoved me there inside the hospital in front of our one year old---led me to calling cops... but in perfect timing--praise God-- my parents walked in that hospital door-- and we all left... and came back to Arizona. My ex just dropped it all. As for he was off to Iraq... and just was about hurting... control. God was working....
This is what leads up to October 19th... A day I will never in my life forget, no regret, now. All the year of 2003 I had been searching for Jesus FINALLY in my life. Even while higher than a kite---HE INVITES ALL IN. And the Holy Spirit can still get thru to you!! I was trying to be hard hearted at first--but wow!! Just started to grasp me with amazement!!! Started dating my now amazing husband Christian Siebens, from afar....he was in Seattle. And Tory and I moved into our own little one bedroom apartment--she had the bedroom--I slept on the floor of the living room--with a TV no cable for her--and a lamp--no shade. Most awesome time of my life to be honest!!! I had off and on periods of popping way too many pills-was seeing an amazing psychiatrist for that at Mayo-Dr. Hanson-then later up thru today is amazing Dr. Stonnington. In July-then September of that year began seeing an AMAZING psychologist for people with seizures, strokes, etc... Dr. Sari Roth-Roemer--blessing and a half--who has helped me become so much of who I am today!!
I had been silent the whole time attending my church-Cornerstone Christian Fellowship, Chandler, AZ--but one day--in July of 2003, bit tipsy on too many pills again-at a church service-something spoke to me BIG. And made me look FINALLY for just ONE person to talk to--vent to. Ask questions about life, Jesus, what to do. And there was this lady I had seen almost every Sunday sitting pretty still as everyone was leaving--and I just chose her to reach to...my very dear friend and neighbor Karen. I reached to her BIG that night. Granted pretty tipsy, so God knows she was wondering what is up with this girl.. but she sure listened and reached out!!! And we kept in contact thru the year--she was like another counselor for me!! On biblical grounds. I truly today thank Jesus for her--she has helped me in so many ways-be a good mom, get thru hard points, she was my maid of honor. I am so blessed.
Had several overdosing stays in the hospital that year... but October 19th---why the date of this Blog meant so much to me is amazing---I argued on the phone with my ex on the 18th... and that argument just hurt. I had been saving my Phenobarbital pills--not taking them since August because I "hated" them. But not flushing them either in case of a "rainy" day. That argument felt like it was pouring. Denying he beat me--after apologizing a couple weeks prior. So psychologically confusing. So the next day... I popped half of my storage in the AM--went the the gym with my kid and friend, and his autistic kid. Hyper-drive started to kick in---walking straight lines weren't happening. Then.. began to feel the bit of downfall.. took it all.... 10,000 mg's... granted my body had grown pretty tolerant over the year. But I shouldn't be here typing. Led to us at the mall... me shopping like a bandit--for things I couldn't afford--and still have today to never forget. But it finally hit me--when I thought if I popped the ending of that bottle--I could just quickly go to sleep without feeling any type of fear first---I was wrong. And God gave me the feeling of regret--and fear. And I fortunately had my neurologists cell on program--like God knew this would occur. I hit the button in tears and asked what to do (best I could speak)---and he said to get there NOW. And sadly--I didn't just ask my friend to take us from the mall to that ER (30 miles)... no. I packed my kiddo up in my car... and said follow me to pack for my stay. And FLEW down the 40 mph street doing 80!!! TALK ABOUT JESUS' hand on us the WHOLE WAY...
My friend got us a sitter... and called my mom... and took me up to Mayo. And on the way--I remember nothing. I only remember when I got there--and they STAT put tube down me to pump my stomach-- just before I went into coma-- I asked Him to somehow give me another chance...and following--when I woke up in a room--I was still coming down off a high dose...but something still began to feel different. And I was still tipsy enough to not be embarrassed to call Karen, let her know how dumb I was--how amazing Jesus was. She was up in SECONDS!! That was when I was amazed at Christian friends who are there for you thru EVERYTHING!! She even had one of our very dear pastors come up to pray for me!! WOW--I had never been so touched in my life... that awesome Pastor Tom Stone was the same one who came to pray for me for my second brain surgery too... awesome friends thru Jesus I was learning!! WOW!!
And it all put me ONE FIRE FOR HIM!! I jumped in the Bible---and was amazed at how He spoke, and speaks to US. HE IS OUR SAVIOR ALL THE TIME!!! We have to see that!!
And I am still sitting here typing, blogging, tweeting, Facebooking, SKYPE'ing,, ning'ing, Lord... etc.. reaching now out to others... with epilepsy, domestic violence, depression, overdosage, suicide, etc... Most of all... those searching for Jesus. He has done nothing but brought so much good into my life... I learned so much thru it all---we need to forgive ourselves--knowing HE FORGIVES US FIRST!! (learned that thru my Bible study teacher Amy!! AMEN!!) And we need to forgive others... or we can't live a good life. I learned seizures worsen with me without forgiving others. Took me 4 years to forgive my ex--but it was an amazing feeling when I did.
He has brought so much joy and good thru all the tough times--as I found Him, trusted Him, walked tightly with knowing He has plans, and will not turn on me!! EVER!! And He hasn't -- has turned all this yuck into so much good-- and able to use so much I learned for His Glory!
With that... I have great news of my daughter being adopted by my husband-Christian Siebens @flyingchristian --whom she has always seen as her daddy-this coming year (2009) ...and my 3rd brain surgery will be to come (was in 2010-another big thing God has got me thru and still gets me thru since that 3rd awake brain surgery)--to lessen medications!! He works wonders... even thru all the tough--leads to amazing good!!! We took the day my ex beat me and married that day (October 6th) in 2007---so it would always be a blissful day--not one to mourn over. And I always send my docs cards on Oct 19th--for helping thru Jesus to save my life!! (and I always buy a Starbucks cup--and my daughter clothes from Gymboree (different store now that she is a teen!) --as for that is what I did higher than I kite--I do it sane with happiness now!!)
Know you are wanted and loved by so many!! Jesus #1---family and friends and ME #2---never doubt that!! Jesus is always my Savior--your Savior-- always there to be our SAVE-YOUR :) Know that!! No matter what you are going thru or HOW you are going thru it--HE WILL GET YOU THRU IT--as you whisper to Him for His mercy and help!!!
In His Love,
My very first verse I opened to on my OWN when I really turned to Him after I exited Mayo Hospital---ALIVE!!!
Romans 4:18-19 AND...
Abraham NEVER wavered believing God's promise. In Fact, His faith grew STRONGER and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised. And because of Abraham's faith, God declared him to be righteous.
John 1:1-5 In the beginning the Word already existed. He was with God, and He was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that He didn't make. Life itself was in Him, and this life gives light to everyone. The light shines thru the darkness, and the darkness can never distinguish it.
Galatians 1:4 He died for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
My Apologies Begin Here Before Anyone Else from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.
We find Jesus----JUST AS LONG AS WE DO IN TIME!!!! And when we do--we grow close to Him, learn what wrongs we have done, ask for forgiveness, though He forgives us the moment we accept Him... learn that we are really forgiven--so forgive ourselves along with anyone else who has hurt us. Leap into His Word--He so will talk to us--guide us as we soak up His Word. Grow close to other Christian friends to hold us strong in our faith--for us to lean on--as for once we accept Him we are new people cleansed in His love and grace. We are to stick with others to build our faith... and when we learn more.. have others that don't know Him, lean on us... but we don't turn to them for advice. We need advice thru HIM. Be yoked with believers... friends with non-believers, but allowing THEM to lean on us.... so we don't turn back to the way we were...
I have lived that life... the "were" life. The tough marriage. The failed marriage. The one where I married him unconsciously thinking that I could run off--build the family that my family was far from when growing up. Happy, loving, sentimental, four kids, about each other---mind you I didn't know Jesus. Well, that failed miserably. The moment he cheated on me within our first year of marriage---I became my dad. Don't you all find yourselves saying parts of your parents you will never be like? Mine was #1 Mom---I will NEVER get married at 19 like you did--not til at least 25!! WRONG---19!!! #2 I would NEVER cheat on my spouse--never be like my dad--I had to counsel my mother when my father cheated on my mom--I didn't think it hurt me then--Lord did it ever backfire years later!! And the moment my ex cheated.. I was on search for the next man-- didn't faze me. Searching selfishly for what I wanted to fill my void.
Thru it all... I am still blessed today-- moment thru all hard circumstances-- near death experience.. that brought me to Jesus-- has done nothing but bring Amazing Love for Jesus into my life... and He brought me amazing family!! Never have had such hard times feel so glorious as I look back on them!!
Have patience in your hard times.. look to Jesus.. HE MORE THAN SEES YOU THRU--WITH AWESOME PLANS. He is ONE TRUE GOD OF ALL-- and never NEVER LETS YOU DOWN. May not answer your prayers on YOUR TIME. Or the way exactly YOU WANT--but when you look back in time-- you can almost ALWAYS SEE WHY, bow down, and thank Him for holding you thru it all-- and giving you the strength to get thru it all- in His timing. THAT IS THE RIGHT TIMING!!!
Life without knowing Him was so empty now that I look back-- but I also can look back and see His footprints all over my life-- trying to get my attention so many times, so kindly... gently... Is He doing that with you today?? Worth every moment to ask any questions-- search for why He is tapping on your shoulder. I am only here to type this, as for He has plans for me-- and such a heart to keep me here!!
Love you all so much thru Jesus!!
In His Grip,
Hetty @AliveinMe @EpilepsyCures
I said to the LORD, "You are my Master! All the good things I have come from You!"
As for God, His way is perfect. All the LORD's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.
For who is God except the LORD? Who but our God is a solid ROCK?
We depend on the LORD alone to save us. Only He can help us, protecting us like a shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in His Holy name.
Psalm 120:1 I took my troubles to the LORD; I cried out to Him, and He answered my prayer.
Transparency ... SUCH A GIFT Jesus can bless us with----IF WE ACCEPT IT!!!
We have, yes the choice of hiding everything, or things we think that will make people run... think that we are somehow an alien or devil ridden or just weird... or we can be open with all that is going on in our life- knowing God turns all trials, health issues, work failings, money issues, marriage failings, rapings, beatings.... gosh etc.... He can turn it ALL for His Glory--- as we seek HIM--HIS help-- Trust Him... look to Him to help us thru it all-- knowing HE WILL SEE US THRU-- or we can be the type to take all control. But I say good luck. I tried that before I knew Jesus... and Lord, I can now compare the two-- BIG day and night.
I have personally been able to take many "bad" stuff and "hard" stuff... and use it to help others. See the light there is hidden in it all. As we walk close with Christ. When my ex beat me October 6, 2002... I could have been the type to yap and yell and rage on about it to the world... including (right now) our daughter.... but I didn't. I first-- because of that-- ran to find Jesus. AMEN!! Second, knew if my little one ever heard about that-- even in her very tiny years-- it would mentally affect her for years to come. Divorce-- even when the child doesn't know that other half well, is hard enough. I had parents that shared way too much info on their tragic marriage with me when I was small--that is where you live and learn comes in handy. Thru my close walk with Jesus since I found Him in 2003... it took me 3 more years to forgive my ex--- but it sure felt awesome when I did. And thru that.... he came into Tory's life for almost 2 years... with me being cordial, working with him and his military schedule. With faith-GOD WORKS WONDERS. He wasn't happy that Tory never saw him as dad few times she saw him. Well, my husband today has raised her since she was 2... he is her dad. I can't twist her arm. He has to earn it. Just as we have to call to Christ-our Father... "be my Dad!!! My Savior!! My Everything.!!!" That is what my husband is to Tory. Always there for her. Not one who might call once every 3 or so weeks. Imagine is Jesus was only around THAT MUCH??? WOW!!! How would life be?? We would be really sinking!! Jesus saw the actions... and my ex decided to give her to my husband for adoption.. I signed the papers day before our anniversary... so it is almost complete... what an anniversary gift from Jesus. And I will say--it is when we walk tight with Him, and don't waver. Don't snap. Don't let anger overflow our love for Jesus and all people. Because still today-my ex and I can still have a decent conversation, when we need to talk. So things work out amazing--when we hold on tight to Jesus--thru YEARS of a trial--or just days or months of one--HE GETS US THRU!!!! No pill will. No other "god". Nothing--but faith and prayer to Jesus, as you trust Him, and walk with Him tight--trying to be more and more like Him. Talk about an amazing God...WOW!! He has worked wonders in my life---and keeps working more. Setting up my 3rd brain surgery. That I know He is ready to control my seizures--thru faith. I love Him so much. He just amazes me--thru every great day, and hard day...know HE LOVE YOU EVERYDAY...
Sharing these stories... I am one very open soul.... I take all I go thru--and share it with all. I have come across so many I have been able to help because my mouth is so BIG.. about my illnesses, my faith, my ex, my life change today. Hiding all you go thru, doesn't help the one that could benefit GREATLY from your amazing faith, and knowledge of what issues you endure--yet still have faith!! Still are uplifting and loving. Not bitter, or angry. You can hold your hand out with the knowledge that will touch ones heart FOREVER. My MOUTH, ME, I am very transparent and open. Here for all... come to me on @EpilepsyCures and @AliveinMe on twitter.com
A few I'd love to see you at!! You all are blessings to me!!!!!
In His Grip,
Heather (Hetty) Siebens
The glory of God, and, as our only means to glorifying Him, the salvation of human souls, is the real business of life.
Whenever you are fed up with life, start writing: ink is the great cure for all human ills, as I have found out long ago.
One of my favorite books, yes it is: from 1955--- Harold and the Purple Crayon By Crockett Johnson :)