When you've been sick basically your whole life, been thru 3 brain surgeries, 7 openings, one surgery done awake that we all thought was a calling from God- but only got more unwell from that point on, how do you ever begin to see straight again? Have the unbelievable faith you had from just prior 2nd brain surgery on, seeing all His purposes and doors open and shut-how do you regain that trust and faith-true and strong again.? Because I think I can actually say I am lost. Ever since my 3rd awake brain surgery, I've just spiraled down and down until I was flat on my face and just can't see straight anymore. I can reach out and help others, but when things turn to me, conversation is done. Not just because I don't have His answers. I just don't think I allow Him to work on it with me anymore, trusted too much and I took it away from God as if I could handle it better. But nothing is getting truly better. And if anything does, it is still with that glimpse of faith I still have. But it tires you out. Everyone continues on in life normal, and I can't. Either the horrific pain starts back up, or, I do actually carry one true fear I hide in my life. Seizures. I've been seizure free for sometime, yet I've also not functioned much. The more I function and blood flows and brain is active, I have the higher chance. I have enough in pain from the surgery going on than to face seizures acting up again from me stepping out and living life more functional. If I start seizing more again, aside from humidity causing it, I can't go down the list of meds and procedures open for me. Because in reality, there really isn't anything left I haven't had before. Or procedures willing to do with my type of seizures. So, still, the less functional I am, the more well I am, for me, for everybody is how I've looked at it. Yet, I've felt so lost, so incorrect with this personal way to "better" my seizures. I've already lost so much time with my child fighting these seizures-going thru brain surgery 1 with mommy when she was 1, brain surgery 2 when she was 3, and brain surgery 3 when she was 8. Then the extreme body pain downfall after that 3rd brain surgery, that still goes on. I hide out. I don't want to function because it puts me in pain-extreme pain, and could start my seizures again-I don't know. I've never been active a very lengthy part of life after that to know what it would be like.
I'm just praying that when I pray, I am truly praying to Jesus. Cause my heart can sure get so hard, so selfish-but not many, well no one in my family understands. They see it from their view, it has to be hard. But at the same time everything moves on, and it hurts. And I want to be part of that again. I never feared one brain surgery. I knew Jesus had a purpose. But now I am not so sure. Maybe I didn't listen to Him. Maybe I missed His sign. I just want the faith I had before. Healthy or not. I want Jesus as my focus. I don't know. A lot went on in this move to AZ. Kind of a wake up of how everyone has moved on, done everything thru these atrocious sick years-that I am just crabby, hurt, lost and scared to try to be anything like the Heather I was before the 3rd brain surgery catastrophe. It could have been way worse. It was just severe body pain. A little loss of peripheral vision- but cognitive skills etc are in tact. And was even blessed with an artistic ability I never had. I know He has a purpose, but my heart has to be there too. Constantly. Not conveniently.
My venting. Brain surgery issues. My issues.
Giving them to You Jesus. I need Your help. How quickly I forget I am Yours Jesus.
In His love,