Walk Tightly

Thru all circumstances,
May you feel Christ's Love &
Peace the way I re-shook myself to wake
up and feel and give back. He is our all in all-
why we exist-but NOT why we suffer.
For HE has GREAT plans for us whom follow-
trials on earth will hit us, but we need to remember
WHO to GRASP-not WHAT. That is when the lightbulb turns
on bright and your life for Him is unchangeable. 
Worthy is all His Praise, well, or unwell. 
Blessings all!

The BIG WHY-was this miraculous 3rd brain surgery that a friend of mine made a folder for me for it. It contained as much of all of the prayer warriors praying for me while I was in the hospital Feb 1-14th for this 3rd, and awake brain surgery. Prayer warriors smoothly had this surgery happen-but after it, about a month and a half I was hit with excruciating pain from feet that traveled up my legs so fast it was out of this world!! Been back to my Mayo Hospital twice in patient and out patient. Nothing was jumping out at about every Doctor you could imagine seeing. And I had to move away from Phoenix to here, in Philly area. That whole year of 2010 all it did was worsen-but really took a toll this year. I am 34 and it is almost unable to walk some days. So, I really had BIG ups and downs with Jesus---as for we had so many prayers for the surgery-came thru so well, the moment I was better from healing-ready to get back to living-I was pain stricken--and it so far looks like for life, cause I haven't had a day off yet.

During this tragic disorder for me-has brought in an extremely big blessing--my Big Bro!! He is always with us, by our side-stays with us so he is here to help me thru the days. Lord I feel bad, as for he takes after my mother in anxiety. So when I hit extreme pain-he wants to fix it while his heart is pounding. But it is amazing how God draws family members together. I wouldn't give this up at all. I've wanted this close relationship with him since I was 19. He was hit with some big trials this year--but recently accepted Jesus--and my heart melts, knowing with the strangest, most painful parts of life-might just help another person. 
But once again, in life, even before you know and trust Jesus-His plans our laid out... we may alter them a hunch, but when we accept Him and try to walk tighter with Him, and more like Him--it is then when life begins to change BIG-some you notice BIG TIME and thank Him in tears on your knees, others are more slight changes, or even something that doesn't seem a blessing, but in fact in time (sometimes YEARS) turns into an AMAZING BLESSING with your love, trust, and continual walk and relationship with Jesus. Whether that is with jobs, spouses, children, health etc.... so much has hit my life so hard that I wasn't sure I could, or really wanted to breathe the next day. But as I turned back to Jesus and prayed in tears "what do You want, where do I go from here? will everything work out ok?" He will comfort all in a way that you just will be amazed at. And whatever tragedy is in your life, will soon seem small, as you know He is more than real-He is why you have so many gifts--such as my precious Tory. My ex gave her up-and my husband has been her daddy since she was 2--and I praise God for that. Too many kiddos that are lost and hurt due to divorce, but Christ knew she needed perfect timing-she is sensitive. And she is blessed with my husband, her dad-to walk her down the aisle one day. She is one little girl that has been on fire for Jesus since she was 2... very open. And for that-I thank Jesus for.
Without this man, my husband, Christian Siebens- I am not sure how and where I'd be today. Before I was living for Jesus-I was living for him... to get help to get over the ex beating me, or off the drug I abused to numb that pain. He lived in Seattle, while I was in AZ... and we have endless e-mails... that are so grabbing. Our Lord made us both grow close to HIM, and each other afar, and when he moved to Phoenix back in 2004. Jesus works wonders. We married still, after he dealt with all my seizures, my brain surgery #2 -and Phenobarbital addictions when we re-tried that medication. He is one amazing man, Godly, true, loving, with no raging temper. Shocking compared to my 1st. God taught me a lesson there. Our wedding we had on the date my ex beat me-to wash out the bad-make it a day to look forward to always. He walked us thru more seizures, 
I thank Jesus for my precious friends up in MN.... whom I first met on twitter and Facebook... but then in person up in MN. I am off to see them again end of July. These two are the sisters I never had--and are there in a flash when I need them. Know that there are those type of people still today... never give up!!! He has plans for us all.

My baby Tory... 3 1/2 praising Jesus to Chris Tomlin CD in my one bedroom apartment. We sure were a team!!!! Forever Mommy and Tory...
My precious sweet husband always reaching out to me with love... in all my pain...
Now here in PA.... I am too ill to find friends... but have the most precious hubby.... Forever thank Jesus for him!!!

God bless you all... know you are never alone. Mountains get very rocky... very steep... but you will reach the top and see pure beauty, again and again--as long as you keep trusting Jesus. He will carry you!!! No ones life is easier.. He knows all whom can handle--and not. He can take trials-and use them for amazing things in your life.... but even better, in others!!! 
However, unless Jesus comes to me face to face--and the docs with written consent that a 4th brain surgery will make all this body pain flee... I won't go thru this again... I'll just keep praying the pain flees.  :)

In His Love,


Ephesians 3:16-19
I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength thru His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in Your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, thru it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.


Gives and Takes away

He gives and takes away...
Jesus. My Best Friend.
He gives and takes away. How can that be one of my most awesome, loved songs... yet the lyrics are so brutal in certain ways. They have more than grabbed my heart and drenched it. Yet we cry those tears of love to Christ to "He gives and takes away..." He knows what we are to have and when--or what to go thru--I will never question that.
Now on a normal day, normal street, normal humans-we wouldn't look at it that way. Whomever gave us something amazing-then snatched it--we would be ANGRY!!! We might have hatred. We might not talk to for a while or so. But this is Jesus. His choices are right. His are clear to Him. His make our life an amazing one to keep living for Him, with His purpose. But it still hurts.
I had to deal with my 2nd surgery hurting my heart due to large seizure just prior 7 weeks and check up appointment with my neurosurgeon. And this song grabbing me both emotionally and with comfort. Letting me know that Jesus had  more plans after that 2nd brain surgery-and I just had to hold on and trust Him.
Did that hold back tears. No. But I had the comfort of Him talking to me, perfect timing, letting me know His plans still were to come.
I went thru years of suffering, seizures, medication illnesses, etc for my 3rd brain surgery to arrive in February of 2010. I was so excited. So thankful.
After the amazing awake brain surgery I was "well" and healing for two months from the pain. Once that pain left-I was ready to rumble. Be more than who I was over a decade ago.
I started working-out. It only took 2 weeks for it to crash my body limb by limb. Starting with the foot. Worked its way up to my neck-including my fingers as I type. Everything killed me and nothing with any appointment made sense or got better. I am still waiting for it to flee-or answers.
John Hopkins wasn't one thrilled to take my case now that we moved to Philly, away from my docs at Mayo in Phoenix. So we just were left in a limp serch on our own--having private neuros send me to Jefferson Hospital, and one private pain specialist is holding my case until SOMEONE takes it on--as for it is just unexplainable, unless I were God. I have additional body faults one by one quickly since that surgery. From the extreme pain all over to muscle jolts, and wonderful loss of memory and language in speaking. 
Most of all I was angry at God. I have never understood why He would keep one, who has been a good kid, decent adult, then when found Him, pretty darn on fire for Christ--enabled, unwell. How long does He plan to keep me down and why?
He has a reason for everything. And in time, we will see it unfold. Perhaps some of it---or again maybe some won't see til time is in Heaven with our Lord.
I have been able to slowly, painfully walk thru all of this. Causing blow up arguments we never have with my husband who now travels so much. I wasn't able to be home, on my own with Tory. I could hardly get a glass of water for myself--many times I couldn't. But there were several business trips he wasn't able to find anyone to come out, on our money, to help. And my heart would turn cold and feel beaten up--as for once again he leaves me stranded, in excruciating pain as he goes plays with the business guys. Raw deal. I think my heart was hurting--and shut off for understanding any other side of the story.
I found that Jesus was using my love for Him to totally change one of the most special people in my life--who was wrongly accused and put in jail. Not only the jail here in Philly that took him in for Denver, no, they made him take that atrocious van cuffed ride--10 days all over the nation--little food, little urine stops. But he had a choice--to keep the Jesus he found in jail, in focus--knowing that still is in plan---or to throw a tantrum, shake his fist at our Lord. My brother chose the first. AMEN. And on the tough ride kept peoples spirits up. He is now here again in our home-with so much faith and love of our Lord--after 8 years of my relationship with Christ, praying one day he'd see Him clearly too.
So this is where the strange blessings can come from our suffering--my severe pain. And as it continues, I pray it does more good for our Lord again, somehow, in any way Lord---just lead me!!!!

I may not be the work out queen anymore... but I sure know how to share His love--and the obvious touches of His hand for healing after those three brain surgeries. With Him--He carries us and holds us tight!!!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 
We are pressed on every side by troubled, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Thru suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.