I am ALIVE... to tell you how REAL Jesus is!!
Those lyrics were reality for me. My life growing up was very simple for the most part. But a couple things threw me into a spiral of mega trial for me. I didn't know Jesus... only heard about Him when I was 19, and graciously rejected all that stuff. But I look back now, and see His footprints and major clenches holding onto me thru so much. But there will never quite be an understanding of really WHY He saved me again October 19, 2003.... I always have to share this very openly every October because it is a shocking, amazing, breath taking reality. A daily reminder of how much He truly loves us thru so much of our crap we pull. He WILL be there each time that we call. Humans won't. And thank God my husband of today refused to be there that day for me. I don't think with his very little understanding of all I was going thru, went thru, what brain surgery can cause along with the addictive medication when prescribed at way too high of a dosage while pregnant. Nor would he ever really understand when I was beaten not quite two months after my 1st brain surgery -October 6th, 2002- how that was what started my whole addiction-overdosing of my anti seizure medication-Phenobarbital. He had seen me "unwell" several big times where I was knocked out for 24 hours. But had he ever been around for the amount I took October 19th 2003... seen me get my stomach pumped, need CPR, go into coma... and only reason I ever awakened ... with all doctors and nurses doubts... was my cry to Jesus to give me another chance. I had been seeking Him all year... but just wasn't at that "trust" stage yet. I still needed my major crutch... pop tons of my pills to escape... and if by any luck, for me and my precious 2 yr old daughter I really thought all would be better if I exited this world. All from the stress of an ex beating me right after my first brain surgery. I was very weak then. I never was prior. But God does allow a lot in our lives to crash, if other trials haven't woken us up to His glory yet. Just how far do we have to go to understand He has purpose for us--even with all the chaos in this world. It's a fallen world. I am not a perfect person. But I was on a very tough road back then mentally. I needed His love to soak in me to shine thru me-to get thru this thing called life.
I hadn't been taking any of my Phenobarbital for almost 3 months. I had been angry at it for all the overdoses I had gone thru, put people thru. I adored, respected my neurologist Dr. Joseph F Drazkowski so much. I didn't want to keep failing him--he had been trying so hard to fix what was broken in me, neurologically, psychologically, and within my personal life and in my heart. He did not like my ex and all he had pulled on me. He fought in every way to always keep me well and full time mom of Tory. But I got a call the day after my appointment with Drazkowski--and he could tell something wasn't right with me. I was very edgy. My Phenobarb level was very very low from not taking it-he could see it. The next day my ex called on October 18th in just a huge denial after a year and legal papers and pictures taken of his beating. That threw me into anger and depression. My subconscious already knew what it was going to do about it. The next morning started out with just a big handful of my Phenobarbital storage. I had a high feeling going. The day led to me going to the gym with a friend-then us all going to the mall for some lunch and shopping. As for I had popped all-over 9000 mg the moment we left the gym. So I barely but surely remember I couldn't keep my salad on my plate. My friend didn't know what was wrong. I wound up purchasing multiple items I had no idea after math that I ever did.
It hit me hard at the mall all of a sudden and I could feel life flashing. I usually took a lower amount where I could sleep it out. This was a scary feeling. I called my neurologist's cell phone about 6 pm-he told me to get to the ED up at Mayo ASAP....
The hard parts I have to remember is that I was always "tough" Heather. I said I could drive-would meet my friend at my apartment so he could take me from there. I flew down a 2 lane street that was a 40 mph--at 85... turned into a 35 one lane... and I just didn't wake up from that. But God covered my childs life-and we somehow made it home safe.
The rest of the way I don't remember when my friend was driving me to Mayo. I was out. I only woke up to the stomach pumping--which the stress on very low blood pressure probably was what put me into cardiac.... then coma. When I felt that tube going down I cried out to Jesus. He heard me, yes. He cared... He will stand around--always--but wouldn't watch me die yet. Not on His time. He was yet to mold my heart... my life... my child... my husband to be into this precious little family today-that look back at this today, yes I have some heart ache--but I see the obviously intervention of Christ and His love. His plans marvel me.
When I woke up--life was so different. I was calm. I felt life was ok, I was taken care of. The Holy Spirit was beginning it's work. His love -Jesus-was already Alive in Me.... I was just getting prepped to get well-go home and jump into my Bible to understand WHY He would give me multiple tries-chances.
That song by Nickelback feels like that night-and the time afterward I was in the hospital to get well and switch off that Phenobarbital and onto something else for my seizures. It is a song that just literally is reality- my life- God, Christian (my hubby) and me. I listen to it with a feeling of amazement. I was carried thru it. But that also, other people go thru it. And that is my point. We all have something-many have gone thru addiction, brain surgeries, domestic-violence, severe body pain (from my 3rd awake brain surgery) kidney issues, so on and on..... And I have always felt God woke me up big time thru all that- so I could share His Truth, raise my kiddo right, give love to others first, help any with issues- I can say I've been there-and thru many others. But this October issue was an amazing fall. A fall from leaning on myself and pills-and amazing to learn to lean on Christ. Life changes completely. Your outlook. The trials still arise- the perspective is just different... but correct. Satan still has ability to try to keep us all on his side-hell. He makes life absolute hell. But tempts us like it is gold. The closer you are to Christ, the more tough it is for Satan to get thru with his attacks. God has His arms around us thru all journeys- as long as we allow Him to--or don't turn away from Him in tough times.
I've heard many stories of people finding Jesus just by being told about Him. I was not one of those easy soles. I needed tragedy to wake up. I am just so gracious He heals, He accepts and loves us thru all we do. Cause if I looked at all of this and had to make a decision -do I save?? I would have opted out of saving me... But He isn't weak... He is real.
Drugs or Jesus Tim McGraw sang... that was what my year of 2003 was. A fight between trusting drugs to get me thru everything--or this Jesus guy... Jesus is love ... the pills are poison. Pills mask-Jesus heals... I am gracious.
I am very gracious to have each of you as friends and family.... I still breathe due to the love of our Lord... and many prayers thru trials after I accepted Christ. His Love Never Ends.... my goal is for mine to never end for Him...and all of you....
"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Psalm 65:3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you forgive them all.
Psalm 86:11 Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you.
Psalm 86:5 O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
John 10:7 so he explained it to them: “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep."
Acts 20:30 Even some men from your own group will rise up and distort the truth in order to draw a following.
Romans 8:26-28 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us in groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God's own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
1 Corinthians 1:3 May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.
1 Corinthians 13: 1-3
If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
John 1: 1-5
In the beginning the Word already existed.
The Word was with God,
and the Word was God.
He existed in the beginning with God.
God created everything through him,
and nothing was created except through him.
The Word gave life to everything that was created,
and his life brought light to everyone.
The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness can never extinguish it