10/30/12

Cycles


I deserved a little more
More than rage and slamming doors
Could sit by the bright orange sun, watch it disappear
You'd rant and rave to shake me, but was you that had the fear

You threw things in spite when I didn't agree
Deep down you knew the strength in me
Your chopping me down never got you far
As I began to leave, you tried attacking my car

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?
How many cycles did we keep breaking down?
It led to disaster of me and you...
It's been a long time that we've been thru...
Never would I go back to you...

You could use puppets to tell me your lies
But that's the fake life I see in your eyes
I'm never ever gonna think twice bout' you
Living dreams out with my family is what I'll do

Your mind never could focus straight
Why would I stay with one full of hate?
So much hate in your deep soul
That made me pay such a toll

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?
How many cycles did we keep breaking down?
It led to disaster of me and you...
It's been a long time that we've been thru...
Never would I go back to you..
Or let you touch me again, be close to me
If only your devilish eyes could see
Those days we had are more than thru
With careless choices you continued to do

A courteous reminder with your consciousness in tact
Fear truth would leek out to your ex daughter ...is a fact
Actions just don't flee, you can't hide them from a soul
Your bleak love in your life chose to let her go

She slipped into this world from a soul of hatred and abuse
But the beauty my daughter carries on did not come from you
Cry each day of remorse on the choices of your coarse
But never again come looking for us, not a thing you can force.

I had to write a poem like I was living in yesterday. Oddly enough, we got thru it, and forgave after 4 yrs... But sadly after he remarried a young girl of jealousy, she was pregnant and demanded they part. Was sad...but a Jesus calling for Tory's heart and her amazing dad, my husband today...she's had since 1 1/2... He works wonders....

Blessings all....


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Savin' Me



His Savin' me wasn't just luck
Wasn't His choice thru the muck
His plans were brilliant, blazing on fire
On fire for Him thru disastrous mire

He was always there the days I didn't believe
Believe of a heaven or Him took long to achieve
I denied Him for selfish reasons, that all pertained to me
His heaven I'd mock was not like mine that I'd rather see

My heaven then, so determined I'd say
Consisted of packed freeways, backed up all day
My "place" had beaches, radio and smog
Not then did I see The Truth, living in my own fog

Many tragedies shook me hard and emotionally deep
But I didn't know my God would chose me one to keep
I rolled my tiny car three times back in 99'
Doing all the wrong but I stepped out just fine

Thanked "whoever" was out there for my catastrophe
I gathered my love for California, drove to the blue sea
Still in my heart was selfishness, against to better things
Against the good, for the odds, the odds lovers would bring

But thru the years that followed
I was hit hard and just wallowed
In self pity and remorse
My ex held me down in force

He just shook and quivered
Knowing the pain to be delivered
His heart turned colder; shutting our kids feelings out
Then one fist to another, he beat me til' I'd shout

That day began the change of me
Confused, overdosing, I bent on my knees
Pleading to who I heard about a long time ago
To love and accept my failures so that I could show

Show how amazing life can be
Living thru tough times able to see
The amazing work He has done all my blessed life
Guiding me not to pop more pills, or ever use a knife

Showed me which road was the only and the best
If troubled times came, turn to Him for some rest
He would take my tragic times that were deep in my soul
He'd take it on with trust and love, with True Heaven my true goal

He changed my life completely, answered so many deep prayers
My Lord is with me always full of love, fighting Satan with all dares
My child praised Him very young, while I was still seeking His love
He placed my angel in my life for love and to seek Him up Above

My light is flaming Lord,
Flaming just for You
My life is flaming dear Jesus
Not one could take me from You

Praise you today!
Praise you tomorrow!
Praise you still thru any sorrow!

You're full of faithfulness, love and peace
Again I will repeat...
You're full of faithfulness, love and amazing peace
A love so alive and patient, a love that will not cease

So I close with You to say
You never leave me astray
Hard times aren't in Your plans
Your filled with Your Will; not with mans

Thank You for fighting for me too
As many in this life often won't do
Holding me close, hugging me tight
You never let me out of Your sight

Thank you Jesus....

Heather Siebens, 2012

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10/29/12

My Love Letter



You're still here precious
Even when I may distress 
Everything in my life
Both amazing or full of strife

You're still my rock, still my soul
When I'm negative and letting go...
Letting go of all my good...
Turning around when I know I should...

I should reach out my arms and cry to you
Tell you my feelings, not just the few I do
I chase after God with you in my heart
How can one let it get so far?

Strife will never go far
Never flee away from doubt
Strife will never go far
With the love I couldn't live without
It Will Never Go Far

You are my love
You fill me full of it
You are my love, MY love
Never will we quit

You though dear, see my good and bad
My negative in life I never knew I had
You see my soul inside, in love with my light and dark
You see thru it all, forgiving without giving it a mark

I can be most happy, sad, or even just loss of zest
Hard times made life edgy, attacking much of my best
The best husband in my life who never thinks to resign
You always say "we will over come, precious, you are mine"

I may sulk in the dark feeling all is on MY plate
But you, precious one, remind me it's never too late
Too late to give it back to God and know He has good plans
Plans of good not of evil, no matter how many times I ran

You bring out my glee
No matter what's wrong with me
You turn it around for the good to be found
The good I myself find in you is profound

May we both live life thru each others place
Both live thru changes, heartaches, all thru His Grace
Yes, you see my dark, you love my light
You bless my love, thru His love so bright

May we be ONE here on earth and in the realms Above
From beginning to end with all, Christ is filled with LOVE
With His extraordinary love and peace; my worries are few
Praising our Creator for all He does and will do

I truly praise Jesus with all my heart
I never want to grumble as I did at start
I know thru all trials, blessed by you thru Him I'll shine
You're the only one I truly desire, You thru God are only mine

So bless you in return from my soul
Bless you in return
Bless your courage
Bless your strength
Bless your work I've tried to brake
Bless your love
Bless your passion
Bless your patience
Bless your prayers of persistence

There is no one like you on this earth
And I say to you again;
As a daddy and a husband when we hurt
You thru our God are always there to mend

I will always love you Christian Siebens....always thru thick and thin!

Love,
Your moody but loving wife...

Thanks for handling this road....all my brain surgeries you gripped so tight, all my phenobarbital overdosings you helped me make it thru- so we could make it thru....thru convulsions or regular seizures you hung on...my loss of language and paralyzation (temporary) last month, you put up a fight...and can claim victory my love...as we walk thru my pain, you say you know it will go away for good....thru my families lack of love, you give me your family and support.....

I love you sweetie....

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10/27/12

Hurt, Love, Friends, Family, Trials-JESUS






We all need to learn to give love, need to learn to receive...for if we are against each one, our life together will not breathe. ~Part of a poem of mine from 2004....

There are several things Satan wants me to give up on... Jesus, faith, love, health, family, friends, forgiveness, restoration ....

Most of these can be haunting. When you become a true hearted Christ follower...you have to be armed in a form of love. But what if something atrocious hit you? Many ways of looking at that.
My ex began cheating on me first yr of marriage. But what had us end was his physical abuse to me 6 1/2 yrs into it, we had a million break ups and files cancelled for divorce. But then, I had just gone thru my first brain resection and we had a one yr old sleeping soundly in her crib. This wasn't going to continue. Later after that ...major life threatening actions occurred while all of a sudden searching for Christ-He spoke to me saying just before I hit coma that I would return, but it wasn't my time...to keep pressing on in His love. I woke up a different person.

But here is the tough part internally... My parents grew further and further from me, as for they refuse to open their hearts and feel their failures are embarrassing instead of human. The last decade has been tough. I've gone thru very tough medical issues, they would have nothing to do with; whether it was overdosing to numb the abused pain they didn't believe yet,,, or grand mal, status epilepticus seizures, or two more brain surgeries. They wouldn't come. They distanced BIG before we moved to Philly...never calling or texting me once for over two years. But we returned in January, and we drove down to see them twice...and that was the end. I got a text this past Friday saying so.
Now ironically, that happened on my 5th day of my body being pain free, and taking care of my daughter on my own as Christian was out of town, business. That message just blew me up. In tears....then turned to anger....I'm hoping for numbness.... Then forgiveness to move on.
I sit and tell myself He has reason for everything ... Just give it time...but I have given this over 10 years.... Have a gut feeling time for me isn't on their agenda.
But I'll deep down always love them. I was never material, just needed love. But where they are in life, they cannot show that...to me, nor their only grand kid, Tory.

Day after this one of my best friends and I bumped heads. I still feel the same way, hurt while I emailed her....but hurt more she took as a jab. I just speak reality. So I am sorry to that soul if it hurt that much...to not call in return to figure it out and just drop me from all social media. I don't do that, won't do that....as for Jesus wouldn't. I will love her just the same. Given emails sometimes are heard differently than how they would be spoken verbally...sorry, I verbally was struggling with my parents downfall to hold it all in full sentence. So if I hurt you aside of truth, it came from my crushed heart from reaction to my parents. I can be very aggressive, and friend, we both know you are delicate...but that is a gift from Jesus. Keep it.

So even with all this chaos, my legs and arms are in basically zero pain for the first time since that brain surgery in 2010. So lesser the likelihood of my having the corpus colostomy done ( split of both hemispheres of the brain to stop the one side telling the other I am in utter pain) ... At least right now it's under control..and the other is on the back burner.

I am an odd soul who listens to music that relates to my pain...I am a much stronger Christian than last years chaos, but the music lets me know, as well as I know, I'm not alone in this mess. My faith music will return very very soon....I feel much more at ease. The parent thing just has taken a couple days to file away for now.
And I love all who hate me (not many thank God)....and love all you who love me.... Mostly, I am in deep love with Jesus Christ...thru everything.
God bless you all...in your walks, thru strife, thru blessings, thru it all we are so loved by our Creator.....and He won't let you go, if He hasn't me!

In His Love,
Heather


"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but YOURS be done." Luke 22:42

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Psalm 124:8


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10/20/12

Alive




As I ran, searching for Christ back in 2003.... Nothing seemed controlled. The day I cried for Him on deaths door October 19, 2003, just before I hit coma after CPR was performed... Jesus had more than a heart, unconditional love, plans for all. He put up with me, this young girl who rejected Him for years on end while He saved her from so much. But that night I really should never have made it.
I went thru domestic violence from my ex almost the exact year before
I almost took and lost my life. It wasn't my only attempt ... But it was one that never should have been survived thru.
I began to overdose on my Phenobarbital because it numbed the pain, mental pain that my ex beating me, 2 mos after my first brain surgery caused. No excuse, but just personal reason.
I've never done a drug in my life, so it was shocker this was the route I took. But the neurologist I had in AL, during my pregnancy and heightened seizures, kept upping my dose of Phenobarbital past toxic level. So, a year later, after my 1st brain surgery then relocating with my husband then... That drug became my best friend.... My god. Four days into TX move, my ex beat me. But it was military, they don't put up with it. So they pulled him out of our apartment.
I was so distraught -unsure why it all happened. So I began reaching for my bottle of antiseizure medicine I took my whole life-Phenobarbital ... And took it in larger quantities.... Knowing it would numb the pain.
Mind you that was a year before the tragic yet blessed day-October 19, 2003. All of 2003 I was tripping over my own created disasters to hopefully rid the big one in my life. But I just couldn't hold anything together.
I was very blessed with the worlds BEST and caring neurologist ever at Mayo hospital. He knew my personality well, and could see a breakdown coming. He dealt with 3 big overdoses of mine that year, but that one in October we always thank Jesus for.
On the 17th I had an appointment with my neurologist, and he could see I was jittery. Something was wrong with Heather.
Oddly enough the 18th rolled around and I received a call from my now ex husband. All of a sudden, no matter what pictures I had taken legally of my bruises he caused, he was denying he touched me. I just was hurt, yet exploding inside.
I had been searching for Jesus that whole year of 2003.... But I didn't yet know how to turn to HIM, and give Him my baggage. I was one who still kept everything deep inside me-until it became obvious. And that is what happened. I had been saving up my Phenobarbital for a few months, totally hidden. First reason I didn't take it was I was angry at it cause of a couple overdoses that were hospitalized and some just at home. But yet I still saved it. Unconsciously of any issue, any aftermath they were there. And that occurred. That argument on the phone with my ex calling from Iraq, in denial of any abuse made me explode. I would either live thru it very numb, or graciously die-which to me was a gift to everyone...right down to my baby girl I raised on my own thru it all. I was lost and didn't want to be found. Hard problem, having gone to church all that year, I probably hadn't accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior yet.
So the 19th hit and I hit every pill I had stored for months. A very very strong, 1912 anticonvulsant medication went in my system. My daily dose would normally be 180 mg. I had swallowed over 9000 mg and can somehow, only thru Christ's plans and love, tell you this.
My hospital stay started in the ER. But all began at the mall with a friend when it all was hitting hard. I was fortunate to have my neurologists cell. I called, blasted as ever, and he instructed me to get to their ED right away. By the time I got there, I was in and out. No gag reflex, level from 30 of Phenobarbital to at least 101 and climbing. They had to give CPR cause it stopped my heart....and just before they pumped my stomach...I cried to Jesus for another chance for Him, for my kid, even though I didn't deserve it. I saw light and exited. They pumped my stomach and I was in ICU for a few days.
My neurologist could "get" why all this happened. He despised my ex and did everything to help me out of that pit.
I came off of that Phenobarbital then. We've tried it since, to see if the physical addiction was gone.... But it is there forever.
Humor behind that medication I took my whole life; had that AL neurologist not increased the dose so high while pregnant, it probably would have remained my medication....no overdoses, one brain surgery instead of three. But had I not fallen into the overdosing mode, I may never had run looking for Christ-for His hand, His help. And I wouldn't have my amazing husband today.... And maybe not even you amazing friends. It is amazing what one part of life changed could do to us, some positively, others negatively.
So, even though this day thru the 29th may seem surreal, I wouldn't change it. He finds a way for us to grab ahold of Him in all different ways.
I pray my family finds Him. I was the first for years... I think and pray my brother has. But as for my parents.... They are far from any God...very bitter. Thru all this I've tried to capture all the positives, not dwell on something decades ago that could have caused it all. He has too many plans and blessings as we walk with Christ.
Even with the severe pain my 3rd AWAKE brain surgery caused... From 2010 thru now, I have to hang on knowing He has plans thru it all.
Bless you all....

(By the way, the day my ex beat me was Oct 6, 2002... I insisted my husband today get married on October 6, 2007 to rid the pain... Best decision ever)
Jesus works miracles...
Heather (Hetty) Siebens






Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."


Joshua 24:24 The LORD our God we serve, and His voice will we obey.

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!!

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Micah 6:8 And what does this LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

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10/18/12

Death Will Not Sting



Poem forms young gentleman that knew he wouldn't make it past 26... Before any health issues, any diagnosis. Dan had an amazing connection with Christ.... I hang onto this knowing illnesses can be for reasons ... Godly strength .... Praise Him!

By Dan Steven before brain cancer diagnosis .... 10 yrs before death here.....

His first major poem...

I want you to dance at my funeral
I want you to celebrate your life
I want you to dance at my funeral
In this you'll remember me
And you'll keep my love alive

Don't you shed your tears for me, baby
I'll be dancing with the angels in the sky
My Jesus, He's gonna save me
My Jesus, He's gonna dry your eyes
So I want you to dance at my funeral
I want you to eat ice cream and read poetry all night
Yah, go ahead and dance at my funeral
In this way you remember me
And you keep my love alive

Death's nothing than a doorway
A doorway home to the light
By HIS GRACE we will be there someday
Until then, keep your torch burning bright
For the sky's gonna fall on us someday
Wash our every memory away. (AMEN!!!!)
All our empty treachery will decay

And LOVE will remain

By.... The late but amazing Dan Steven
Brain Cancer took his life quick.... But all he did for Christ was like living to 100!!
AMEN!

May you be dancing in Heaven Dan!

In His Grip,

Heather

Joshua 1:9
"Be strong and courageous. DO NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Cure




Cure

Tragic times led to amazing blessings as I held tight onto Christ!


Cure

Life sure can get complex,
if you just let it so.
With every wilting flower,
a healthy one will grow.

It started out so simple
just one pill led to two;
but with age seizures angered
and I didn't know what to do.

They changed so fiercely overnight,
I dared not tell a soul.
I just played pretend they didn't exist;
prayed I wouldn't pay a toll.

Then, with a gift from God came happiness,
everything felt just right!
Then came a twist, a jab, of hopelessness!
It's now hard to sleep at night.

For what was managed then, grew and grew.
Not one in that town could believe -
that the dilemmas with me are for real, are true.
So with all of that - my child and I had to leave.

What may have seemed atrocious
what may have seemed unjust;
all happened for a purpose
this happened, now I must

I must be honest
I must be well
I must be focused
Dear God I'll tell . . .

I'll tell You how shocking life can be!
I'll tell you I'm tired, no energy!
Seizures aren't controlled by medication for me;
They're controlled by the faith in our Lord, I NOW see!

Faith in Christ is the actual cure;
even when I must take pills.
Cause with all my problems and issues I endure;
with His love there's no trial, mountain, no hills!

So I praise Him today with all my heart,
my heart has so much to give!
Without Him I'm not sure where I'd be
He's shown me all more reason to live!

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Location:Home

Hold Tight





Let's Grow Old... for Christian Siebens 7/4/04

I've got great dedication
to the best man there is
life sure seems it's ending
on a vast burning bridge

For it just may seem impossible
but you need to hold on tight
that bridge that feels it's coming down
could be the one that gives us light!

Just look beyond all our problems
look toward the coming years
for I'm tired of waiting for flawlessness
continuing that would cause me tears

The world is full of emptiness
if it doesn't contain love
It captured us and held us close
we were guided from above

We all need to learn to give love
need to learn to receive
for if our love doesn't have both
our life together will not breathe

We need passion
We need faith
We need commitment
but for God's dear sake...

We need each other's hand
down every winding road
life's weather can get harsh
and fearful stories could be told

We have to stay strong
do not collapse, do not fold
for you and I are worth it all
we're both fearless, we're both bold

So much in my life, broke my heart
but meeting you, put me back at start
a new breath of life, which starts a new living
full of sweet love and excitement we're giving

So hold on tight with me now
For I can't wait to mold
you quench my thirst as we are young
We'll hold strong while we grow old

I love you Christian 

Hetty Siebens 2004

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Location:Here

For Christ



A repeat poem I have to remind myself of.....





For Christ....


I am just me, can't give You much
I love You every step and every fall
You are my God I give thanks for Your touch
Never ending love You give to us all

I pray all find You
Run to Your love
My life changed, You made me anew
How close I feel to You in Heaven above

Never will I turn away
with all You have carried me thru
I am thankful You saved me everyday
I look at Your blessings and see what I'm to do

Your beauty and light glorifies every day
You are my one desire to praise
Out I am to share You with all and pray
Others that don't know You will find Your Amazing grace

You gave me life and kept it from death
I could have died but You answered my call
I live for You with the gift of Your breath
I pray this Easter You are love by ALL!

I love You Dear Jesus with all my heart
I live for You Christ until the day we meet eyes
That day we live for, to be our true start
You dear Jesus thru love saved us and died

I give You me heart
I give You my love
Obedience and truth are also a part
Of growing closer to You til' we meet up above

I love you always even thru the storms
and praise You that You saved me
To live with You forever MORE!



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Location:Home