Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know how You ever got me into this world
I don't get who was chosen for who
I don't get how You watched over me thru all my years of seizures
I don't get why I was ridden with epilepsy, or how
I don't get why my heart seemed so much more sensitive than parents
I don't get why parents never could show or teach love
I don't get how I could and ran off to marry at 19 to feel some sort love
I don't get why I never could seek You, out of spite toward my ex
I don't get how I flowed in and out of love with many, but returning to my ex
I don't get how while You were showing me "signs" of You, I just couldn't wake up
I don't get how I could roll my tiny Tercel 3 times the freeway, car totaled, and walk away with a faint thanks to "whatever" God, and so upset same time my 10 disc changer was run over by CHP....so selfish
I don't get why my ex and I kept breaking and making up...leading to what we thought was our last break up, in friendship, over dinner with wine...I conceived my, My precious Tory that night
I don't get why my seizures had to go on overdrive, leading to very high toxic prescribed doses of Phenobarbital
I don't get why my ex tried to put any time in, when he was against it all from the start
I don't get how he ever could have wanted an abortion, not see it as a sign from God- Whom he grew up learning about.
I don't get how he was full of rage enough to beat me up two months after 1st brain surgery...
I don't get why I had to keep overdosing to numb my pain
I don't get why I ever had the gut feeling to find You, during my overdosing days
I don't get how You singled me out from my family to be the ONE to search and find You.
I don't get, as I was seeking You, how I could still be loved unconditionally thru all the drama I brought in
I don't get how You heard my cry before the pumping of my stomach and coma hit...and You kept me perfectly well and alive thru You when I woke.
I don't get how many hospitalizations I've been thru ... 3 of them brain surgeries...yet my local parents couldn't come to see me, my dad came about twice in 12 years, over 30 hospitalizations
I don't get how my girl, when she was a baby, she knew exactly how gentle she had to be to me, due to my wrapped head throbbing from first brain surgery, her arms just slowly wrapped around my legs with eyes of love and healing.
I don't get how my parents can just let her out of their ignorant lives.
I don't get how I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me, mostly, beating me
I don't get how WE are the center of our lives
I don't get how I am the chosen one of both sides of the family, to find YOU, and make it known
I don't understand why all sides of my family reject you
I don't get who will ever awaken some one
I don't understand how parents can be so selfish
I don't get how my parents can totally separate from me, so many times, til completely....
I don't get all the struggles they endure and shake their fists for years on end, instead of trying to let You in...
I don't get how I was blessed with the best husband ever, by a past friend a long time before we somehow both knew.
I don't get Kim's accident....it hurts my heart...

But as I say all this in deep down truth and question...I lay it back on Your feet...cause You are our Creator, the One True God, The Alpha and Omega, Spring of Life, Emmanuel, The Holy One, my Best Friend, One and Only One with unconditional love for me, my family, families family and friends, Kim, Troy, my parents.... Everyone suffering knowing and accepting You...and amazing the love and concern You have on those who don't know You still. Isn't a toll to pay for Your Love and concern....but Your accepting us is already done, getting to Heaven we have to know how to truly accept. We may never know exactly Your plans, but we are to pray for You to lead us Your way thru them while our hearts, souls, minds recognize the plans You are placing in our lives, in Your Will. We may not understand tough or tragic times, but we are to take all troubles, fear, suffering etc-and give it all to You to take off us as we remain faithful in You every step. If we ever doubt, You fill us with the Holy Spirit that reminds us of all you did, have done, will do... The only way we are complete is when we surrender ourselves to You, giving up everything You say or bring, pick up our cross and carry it, thrilled to share every part of You, and our lives pertaining to You. You changed me forever, I am every so grateful.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Dear Joseph

This was what my heart had me write for this very special friend to me... and so many others. He takes on trials in life so much more eloquently than he will ever give himself credit for. So I had about 15 minutes for my heart and mind to write what God was guiding me to say... reason it came out good is for HIS glory, and here, Joseph- His dear son, that just needed to hear his blessings he pours out to all others... and for this friend, I am eternally grateful to Jesus for having our social cyberspace cross paths and connect. Connect and learned so much about what each other has endured, is enduring- found out that LoveGrows! :) From the man of LearningGrows-they both do! But we have to have the amazing heart Joseph Gier has in order for our minds to open up to LearningGrows!! He is a live, proven fact.

Bless you Joseph... I pray you like that package of crazy Heather stuff.... but most of all I pray you were touched by this poem... Much love to an amazing brother of mine for life!  :)  And I willingly chose that... which moves my life positively!

Dear Joseph~
October25th, 2013-eternal  :)

Roads we have chosen are never always perfect.
Some seem so long and endless, others fast and fearless.
Some flat tires come along on our journeys more than once.
Yet at some times we roll our cars just simply heading out to lunch.

Some of us always have a full deck of the perfect cards to win
Others seem like God's against them-we always have to give in
But giving in isn't a criminal act, or any type of wrong doing
As long as we "GIVE IN TO THE RIGHT SOUL" which ends up such a blessing

Cause giving "into" Jesus, is just giving Him our "mess…"
He loves us tons-to take our "hands" and have us suffer less
He needs our hearts and our hope to form His amazing plans
Plans He's had forever for us-plans to prosper not to harm-to take us by our hand

To watch over us at all times, and never take a break
His love and plans are so intense that many think He's fake
But He just wants you to give your heart a shot for His love
As for He's the only God who has room for us in His mansion up above

But it is a mansion for those who have hearts and those who also have tears
Those who stumble and sin and go thru trials that feel like never-ending years
But as our faith grows during the times of our walk-struggles seem less tough
Because Jesus has it all on His back, fighting off the Devil who thinks he is so buff

But I know your heart dear Joseph, it is one very unique from our Creator
You may think your heart is mean and life that is tough now just gets worse later
But just grab onto Christ and a little bit of faith to grow
And you will be amazed where in life He has you go!

To close I just must tell you, I have never felt so blessed
Your kindness in life makes my heart grow outside of my chest
You are one to always want to help and make other people smile
Knowing you thru Christ keeps my faith high, and lessens all tough trials.

Thank you Joseph for being my friend
and sharing you troubles with me
With faith in Christ this package I send
As you trust and set your heart free!!

Many blessings, prayers… and always laughter!!
In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

From my precious family to you... and yours!