6/17/14

Dreams


Precious Gift From God-Tory


Life can sure make shifts, as we continue to live it. It is scary when there are days you don't want to live them out anymore, worse, when others have cut their lives short. I've been there. I've been the "suicidal" patient. Yet saved perhaps too many times. But He always has reason. He always works off the bad stuff, to bring us good-sooner or later. Just sometimes that later part can be aching when in distress.
My brain surgeries, over-all just seemed so simple. It is just the aftermath that is the price paid for life. And the lack of knowledge of what per se one brain surgery can do, symptom wise. But two or three-with the 3rd done awake are far fetched to ever have any statistics on outcome, or years to come after. I have been living a battle really since the first one. Now mine-God brought so much wonder and beauty and truth in between it all. So it is almost impossible to regret any of it. There are times I do wonder had I just gotten help and stayed on Phenobarb and one surgery-how crazily different life could be right now. But I was so angry at being addicted to overdosing on Phenobarb on any given bad day of the slightest to the worst-I needed that stuff out of me, which meant more surgery. Through both surgeries I had to go thru to allow me to have more choice of meds-or even medication-less perhaps one day far future-I was never bitter during it all. It took the anguish of the pain of my 3rd one to begin bitterness finally. Ever since that surgery it has been excruciating body pain, leading to memory loss (short term), eye vision complications, disassociation, vertigo, severe depression, forgetting decisions made 30 minutes ago, abnormal seizures, crazy head jolt pains,...
The list just continues and worsens in some areas. And it is like life is out of control-granted it was never in control before. That means on one of these surgeries something truly snapped that made everything in life so much more tough than it was when I was seizing non stop. I was always a go for it girl. Gutsy, fearless. But maybe that was part of my brain's downfall, and took me down with it. So many looked up to me. That I can easily walk in for a half month hospital stay with a grid deep in my brain showing them active areas, and going thru the surgery awake was like me going to a toy store as a child. Picking out what I wanted that would be good for me. Perhaps all this was just side effects of epilepsy and I was paying a price I did not know I owed. And now, as a permanent patient at Mayo with many health issues I never used to have... I am finding out I must have made a wrong choice somewhere. I just never thought I did. Mine were always right. God gave me signs of open doors. Perhaps that is all I wanted to see was the positive signs and maybe there were way more negative ones saying Heather, stick at the 2nd brain surgery-in time you will heal. I just kept pushing for it to flee as quick as possible, to have as much sparing time as a mom possible with the most special, Godly, warm-hearted soul of a gift from God to me--> my daughter Tory. I always wanted to be able to have that healthy mother daughter time with her. And as I sit here, with tears dropping-and look over at her peacefully sleeping in our hotel suite...I feel I have cheated her out of so much. Time with her mom. Time learning mom and daughter stuff. Doing more "together" stuff cause mom is almost always under the weather with one, two, three or more health issues-all triggered by my choice. My decision of every brain surgery. She, through each of them was an angel. Like God spoke directly to her - how to handle mommy and her wrapped painful head. She is one graceful child of God's. She did not get this from me. She has always been such an amazingly, GOOD child since born-angelic like. No rages. Few tears. More comfort to me. God DID hand form her. And especially for all of this. She is full of grace and love. And I look at that asking Him how?? I just wasn't a good teacher. I have barely been around. But this girl still floats thru all my tragedies like an angel. I am gracious to God for her. I don't know what all the stress I am and cause on that precious child-how it will affect her in her latter years. But I do know even I as her mom can look back and learn from her grace at all I still face-and be so grateful to God He chose me for her. And that He chose Christian to be her dad-cause they are just an amazing team. When I am upstairs a lot, when unwell, in bed-I get to hear them working together on the barn for the new horses she is getting. He is a proud dad of all she does do so gracefully-and how much she has to handle without him when I am unwell. Yet he is still a dad that teaches her tactics of how to achieve dreams. And when you do you prepare for the dream in a rational way. He does not spoil without learning involved. Makes dream achievement so much more amazing when searched out, and prepared for by hands-not paying someone to do it all for her. This girl very much deserves her dream-a way to gain peace...living and riding her dream. What a team they are! Blessings to me!
I may sit on the outside of all of this-but I see the beauty from my view-the most important view-the creators view. The one that carried her for 9 months with seizures of mine worsening every couple weeks thru it all. She was worth it all. She helped us get where we are today as a family. Many stories to share as she gets older, till then, I just love watching her grow and be who she is. I try to stay out of everyone's way with all health issues that keep hitting me more every year...but there comes a place and time where all have to be involved whether I like it or not. My families hearts always want to be there- I just want them all to have space as they live their dreams. They are my dream-as they are today, I feel my dream is far accomplished. No one could give me more than I already have. 
As for my art-I enjoy it. It continues. It will never match up to the dream of the husband, father of my daughter-my precious kiddo Tory. Christian and Tory are my life "completers. " They complete me. Thru all my battles-having them near makes the battle feel small. When both are away and I am facing some health issue- it is like my oxygen has been stolen. Without them life is not well, life is not complete. They are what truly matter to keep me going-leaping over every health issue is an ability thru the love God formed in our family. I am forever gracious.
I love you Tory Moriah. Forever.
I love you Christian Charles- and always....

My Man, My Love


Love,
Your loving, unwell mom and wife,
Hetty / Mommy




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