3/30/12

HIS PLANS ALWAYS COME OUT AMAZING!!!
Add to GoogleHow many of us all love to hear those words... "Just keep the faith...." ? When things are flying by our eyes at a million miles an hour, a million dollar$ an hour, a million I LOVE YOU'S in a failing marriage per hour, a million prayers a minute for your child, parent or loved one who is going thru drastic surgery or just diagnosed with something only God can take away? We all have been thru one or more of these--and millions more and we ask "how can We stop this? No one can do a thing about this-it's all in my hands. Or I'm too weak to handle this, why would God ever allow this???
We've all been thru statements similar to that as well. Where whatever we are going thru has gotten so out of hand, that obviously God never paid any attention to your "express call" leaving every last decision, choice, statements, radical actions-everything we all feel, and more all up to just us. As for after a milion prayers-there was never one answer that you noticed. That is the key word-NOTICED. But the amazing part about our selfish timing and needs or wants-is that His plans are the amazing ones. His plans, as we trust Jesus WILL flow in PERFECT timing, and AMAZING outcome as we keep seeking Him, trusting Him, praying to Him, sharing His word in how He is working thru you thru your suffering. Because here is the catch, what you go thru has very little if sometimes nothing to do with you, except to keep your faith strong. It is to show others that miraculous faith God has blessed you with and you have grown as you have kept walking in the Word of God. My little daughter, at a very young age when I was in Mayo Hospital for my 2nd brain surgery-she and her dad were in the hall coming to see me; they came upon a woman in tears-and my daughter has this HUGE HEART for EVERYONE. Tory stops to ask the lady what was wrong-the ladies husband was going to die of staff infection in the next 48 hours....my Tory's words in reaction were; "Does he know Jesus as his Lord and Savior??"
Now I know I was in that hospital for my 2nd (out of 3) brain surgeries. And I was full of strong faith-had many church ladies come up to pray out loud with me. This grabbed awesome attention as well. I had a nurse hold my hand after my huge seizure and pray the surgery thru Christ was miraculous. Many nurses asked about my beautiful music and what I was reading. So me being there, surrounded by Christ-filled setting got many asking questions, some wanting to get back into their faith too. He has reasons for all hard times. It is a time for us to be strong during our weak point... but the only way to be able to do that, is to hold tightly onto Christ!!! Let Him lead you where He has plans. During all tragedy, even if you fall, get back on His shoulders.... HE will NEVER forsake you. Always carry you thru each storm, that has a beautiful silver lining--NOT TOO FAR AWAY!!! Trust me please.... I've gone thru these over and over now seeing each broad pictures for WHY's--all though there are many He knows, I won't until I see Him face to face one day. But life has been so much more beautiful as His child, loving Him, following Him-as opposed to when I would push away from that Jesus guy---all my life until I was 26 on deaths door. His plans are beautiful... and so forgiving. I could never ask for more-He is my Everything-and has given me more than everything in this beautiful life.
So if you are suffering right now--look at what He has given you, and think twice about anger toward Him. He gives us too much--and overflows with love. His suffering we can't ever compare to. His love is great, His majesty is beautiful, His promises are never to be broken.
Love to you all.... as I pray for you all.... going thru tough times. I greatly know them-but greatly know Christ's healing and love and plans---just AMAZING!!

In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

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3/21/12

ALIVE

Add to GoogleALIVE
After this last brain surgery, and the city we were living in that worsened my illness the 3rd brain surgery caused... I never thought I would be anywhere close to being "ME" again.
The reason we choose BIG choices in life, that can have risks yet benefits, is to better one-self for not just themselves, but everyone in the family and around them. That was my hearts pure innocent choice in major prayers across our world for my 3rd brain surgery. I met people who came to pray prior, during, after- whom I never think I would have met, had it not been for this tragedy, continual tragedy for over two years. I am just beginning to cry tears (while thinking about so much and holding so many tears of joy, and past tragedy) as I am beginning to heal, see some of past Heather come back to LIFE, and see so much of a NEW Heather that has learned so much about life, love, tragedy, friends, family, life-when you really feel it is ending; but in fact, it is just the start of learning what God has in store for you to use with all the trials and tragedies that you DID live thru, even though you swore it was the end, that day, the next day- but no matter what, how you felt was dead already-so if someone was really looking for your death day, you could just tell them to choose between when all began and then because that was how I was. I was just dead. I had days I would seep up from my drowning, and try to be a branch of that Heather that used to be existing before that 3rd, AWAKE, last brain surgery took most of who Heather was-AWAY.
But during my extreme pain and suffering that was so severe, I really wondered if somewhere, during their cutting out amazing pieces of my dominant side of my brain, did they just get closer to future cancer? Talk about extreme pain-because with all the extreme pain medications that ONLY SEVERE CASES can be prescribed; and sadly no matter how high the highest doses and higher just to try to capture a day of comfort for me, would never be anywhere close to being "me." It would be whomever those extreme doses of dangerously STRONG PAIN medications made me. My mood was altered into a very introverted soul, angry, and unable to reach for a hand of love, from my precious hubby who did his all in all possible for this monster created. My poor brother-lived in every room I was in, just to make sure I was still breathing, alive, and if he could, make me laugh!!! I had a very large guard up around me. The brain surgery already caused so much severe body pain from my feet to my neck-so all guards up on being hurt emotionally anymore than having had to move all the way from AZ to PA.
It is amazing, as we decided to move back to AZ, to reach back to my great docs I have out here, reach out for warm weather to help lesson the pain. To reach out for our Church, our faith-filled friends, and all our family out here. It took about a week for my body to be able to tell a difference. After that warm weather set in; along with church, family and friends, my body was able to truly function again. Go out a whole day with a friend and our kids, and not be down for 10 days after. A bit tired after, but I have been doing a lot of walks to bring my strength ALIVE again!!!! Made me so joyful that I can walk for 3 miles again and not be down 3 weeks from just 30 feet, crying and screeching thru each wake up the meds would allow.
I slept a lot of Philly away. And that is sad. There is so much beauty there. I saw some of it. But my hubby is taking me back for a week to re-see everything I may have not REALLY in my heart snapped a beautiful photo, and placed it in my heart in a positive way to remember it by, not only some negative that illness may cause. So, we will again have more photos of Philly-but ones I really want and need in my heart, mind, soul in Christ's positive gift He has given me out here in AZ... and that is HEALING. And Healing with all my family, friends, docs, my life history that will close another chapter, soon, in such a positive way as I move onto a new step in my life.
I love How Christ works.... no notes written, sent to us with direct explanation on what His plans are, and how they will be altering our lives. No, He just KNOWS that as FOLLOWERS of CHRIST, thru all the attached time He had to add in, due to our free will and stubbornness; We WILL GRAB ONTO HIM-knowing He is WHY we are here, how we have such an awesome family, and how, thru all the muck, He still has amazing MORE plans as we grab onto Him during our storm!! And that is what I did. Watching every other illness enter on top of excruciating pain... it just really looked like the end-but He had that silver lining, SOMEWHERE!!
It was just the end to a very tragic multiple trials to me, and my family. We all go thru these... but never compare what Christ went thru for us. And that would be my constant reminder on my "stay afloat" days. He will walk over to me, on that raging water I am trying to stay afloat in-take me by shoulders, throwing me over the shoulders of His own as He carries me thru my storms. His whispers during them, when your focus is still on Him, and not a mess from what illness and Satan can do-His words are deep, amazing, comforting; all in ways that no one else can provide except Christ. He is filled with AMAZING WORDS and LOVE and ACTION in our lives when we continually seek Him, and look to Him every day as for what He has in store for us to do for Him.
I know I will lay my life for Christ.... And fills me up to say- YOUR Will Christ, Your Way-OUR WAY!!!  I belong to YOU yesterday, today, tomorrow, forevermore.... I belong to You Jesus-there is NO life APART from YOU..... only YOU revive me!!! I may not have a million US dollars... but I have YOU! YOU are the treasure I could never afford, yet You gave Yourself to me!!! Only YOU can truly satisfy....with out You, our water will never do a thing for us, with out you! But with YOU Our Well will never run dry... You will quench our thirst by Your Words!!
Had I kept gripping all this during my HUGE TRIAL, so much easier. But human Heather had to take the dry spell long walk.....and suffer to figure it all out. Thank You Jesus for all Your healing and help thru it all. You are a gift to me, I am striving to be a gift back. Cause my love for You Jesus, has grown beyond what I ever thought several months back. My love is to not ever just be between us, or us and family; it will always continue to grow-sharing my love for YOU will grow now, no longer my pain.... and I am so excited to start this journey with You sweet Jesus. I Love you, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever and beyond when we are face to face! For that day is exciting!! Til then... continual healing, and praising to YOU!!!
I love You Christ Jesus, with my whole heart, mind, soul.... (it still thinks!!!)
Praise Be to You, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!
In Your Name I Cry for our Love Always & Forever-to spread across to others near and far, sharing our Love!!
I Cry for joy in all thru Christ,
Heather J Siebens
True Love's the gift which God has given To man alone beneath the Heaven It is the Secret Sympathy, The silver link, the silken tie, Which Heart to heart, and mind to mind, In body and in soul can bind.   -Sir Walter Scott
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. - Peter Ustinov
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  
-Robert Heinline
To Love Someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.  - Francois Mauriac
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is LOVE. -Sophocles
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.  - Ursula Le Guin
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.  - Song of Solomon 8:7
"All people will know that you are My followers if you LOVE each other."  
-John 13:35


God works wonders-and ever since we have moved out and away from such cold--it is helping me heal from such sever pain following my 3rd brain surgery--the cold weather just really added to it. Back to our homes, friends, all we know--such as our vacation place in Palm Desert!!!










3/10/12

My baby girl to Big girl....

Princess and Mommy
I was never a "normal" mom... I was never the time out mom. I was never the great chef mom (as for I hate most food) ... nor was I ever the teasing mom. But I now know, thru my kiddos sparkling deep brown eyes, tender love, and arguments on who loves who more, that I was and still am a good mom.
I had and still have, 10+ roller-coasting years. I was hanging on so tight, I never thought I'd make it thru to the next day. But this sweet smiling princess, was gifted. She was the one person who would turn tears to diamonds, and crying to laughter, a bad day into one of the best ever. That is MY Tory. And I am blessed to have hung onto life, hung onto her, and taken her completely in fully, 100% my child. She and I were an amazing team, are yet still going to be the years to come.
I had a rough road from her birth on, as many blogs tell. From pregnancy my seizures excelled past numbers a day I couldn't count, and types I never had. Plus, my Alabama neurologist wasn't too on top of epilepsy and pregnancy and what is good for the patient, the baby and the aftermath. My Phenobarbital was at such a high dose I am not sure, other than the Grace of God, how Tory came out without birth-defects. She does have a very light case of childhood epilepsy, fully controlled-but that is passed down usually anyway. 
My ex now, her ex dad she never saw as dad exited everything once he could make up his mind on what he wanted most in life. He tried exiting by hurtful actions like cheating, but coming back. But the end was his beating me. The fact that he beat me, sure really upset me. But my greater concern would be for my daughter, and actions like that happening to her. That doesn't happen under my roof, to my blood.
So it was my kiddo and me. I was not completely sane, that is for sure. When he beat me, it was 2 mos after my 1st brain surgery for my epilepsy. Tory was 1 when I had the 1st one. She was already then, such a caring, full hearted, loving child. I walked in the door with my head all wrapped and this poor baby, who missed her one parent ran to me then suddenly STOPPED!!!! Looking up at my wrapped head, asking in a one year old's way with gestures to see my "owie" ... she slowly and gently touched my wrapping. Then wrapped her arms around my knees for a BIG HUG. Her heart was already so overly loving-FILLED TO THE MAX... and I was just amazed how she was this way. Cause I was FAR from the best mom in this world. I did give her love, and I rocked her every night with a bottle of warm milk to two songs, and they weren't kiddie songs! I just didn't know those. I am a music fanatic and I had a ton I loved- so I shared my current favorites that were partially relaxing with Tory. I would, as the new nervous mom, program my cd player to play #3 and #4 on The Calling "Camino Palmero." Yes, today's music and no, not Christian music, cause at that point I hadn't found Christ.
After my ex beat me her song changed to Hero by Enrique Iglesias. For some reason, this adorable child just LOVED that song!!! I was under a lot of depression, and felt like I was drowning, and wasn't sure if I'd ever make it back to the surface. On some days, I hoped that. And that was scary. I turned to overdosing to numb the pain of my ex and the pain he caused. I wasn't sure if I could handle all this on my own. When I got back to Phoenix, AZ I was in the hospital several times for my overdoses. During those, I had found the church that I attend today and where I gave my life to Christ. I chose that one because it had a purple sign!!!! Tory wasn't quite 2 when we started to attend. It took me some time to begin to grasp the music there, and longer to talk to ONE soul. But little Tory took it by the reigns and took off, on fire-child-like love for Christ!! It is the most beautiful, blunt, face to face kind! Her 2nd wellness check-up just about caused a seizure in me. My little girl, just walks in, sees her doctor come in with smiles and she just said "did you know, that Jesus died on the Cross for you?????" Yes, to our middle-eastern doctor for her. I was ready to throw up. How do I iron this out to someone who is OBVIOUSLY not of that faith. He gave a sweet response and then moved on with the check up. He didn't throw us out or double charge us and not except Tricare, as my nervous not fully on fire for Jesus, personality JUST SHOWED ALL.
Tory has always been so understanding. Never questioning. I hit the hospital one huge time in October of 2003. And in wasn't a short stay. Not was it comfortable. I almost lost my life to overdosing a HUGE hidden amount of Phenobarbital that I just horded, in case one day hit really bad. And, to me it did. Just an argument about the beating between my ex and I on the phone. The next day I took it all. Partially in hopes to just "feel better..." a part of me that hoped if it accidentally did away with me, that a lot of people would have a lot less stress to deal with. I was wrong. My Tory really needed, and still needs me. And Jesus heard my cry before they pumped my stomach and I went into coma.
My 2nd brain surgery was a breeze. I believe Jesus wanted to show me what faith does do. It was performed at the beginning of my in depth, strong relationship with Christ. I got out on a Wednesday, went to Bible study that Thursday!!! Tory was so excited about that surgery, because for some time to follow, my seizures were controlled. And instead of others having to take her to preschool-MOMMY was the one who was able!!! Made her life!! Every day I would hear about it! I would get tears of joy!!! 
I had quite a few hospitalizations come 2006. My health from particular antiseizure medications made me shrink down to 91 lbs and fall into grand mal seizures. We also went back onto Phenobarbital for my wedding, so I could make it down the aisle without seizing. And it did, but just a few months down came another tough day, and an overdose. That medication was just permanently off my market. It was a drug I would be addicted to forever. So I had to move on to find different seizure control. And we tried everything under the sun. We moved onto a 3rd brain surgery in 2010. I am just now healing from that one.
That surgery was amazing. It was done awake. I could tell them if my sight was going. But it never dawned on me to tell them my body was hurting. And it more than hurt, excruciating pain for over two years after the surgery. And as for seizure control... I won't know until we get the pain medication out of me.

Living in Philadelphia was very tough on my pain. My pain needed HOT baths. Not freezing cold snow. But, as a mom, in my pain I still went out and built a couple of snowmen/girls with my Tory. I couldn't imagine not doing that. But there was so much I missed out on from that excruciating pain, and my heart hurts from that. But this little girl would always come home and tell me how she loves me, then we'd go back and forth about who loves the other more!!!! And just laugh!!! She just has such a heart that is outside of today's children. When picked on, she just doesn't understand them. Literally. She is just, thru Christ-in a different category than the normal child her age. Many that want to pick, or throw things, or cuss for once or ever, or bully, blows her mind away. And it isn't cause I sit her down every day with lessons as a good child. I've been too ill. I've just prayed. And this is just a God thing.
My kid, if she is picked on, bullied against, laughed at- may she take hold. Realize that God has plans for her. And the reason we are all ever here, is because of HIM!!! Otherwise, we could all turn to dust... for that is all we are on this little planet to our BIG GOD!!! But to Him... His love is overflowing, and never-ending and we get waaaaay more than just 2nd chances. May none of you ever forget that!!! 
Her dad today is an amazing one. I was her dad for years. And, now, today as I am getting better health-wise, I can look back and say thank you Jesus, I truly think I hung onto you tight and did an ok job!!! And Christ did a miracle because this little girl, is a miracle.
May all you parents single, moms, dads, married, all--- go love up your kiddos. They are the most precious gifts from Jesus.

In our Love for Christ,

Mommy and Tory

Psalm 19:4
   May the words of my mouth 
      and the meditation of my heart 
   be pleasing to you, 
      O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 24: 7-9
   Open up, ancient gates! 
      Open up, ancient doors, 
      and let the King of glory enter. 
   Who is the King of glory? 
      The LORD, strong and mighty; 
      the LORD, invincible in battle. 
   Open up, ancient gates! 
      Open up, ancient doors, 
      and let the King of glory enter. 

Psalm 33: 13-15
  The LORD looks down from heaven 
      and sees the whole human race. 
  From his throne he observes 
      all who live on the earth. 
  He made their hearts, 
      so he understands everything they do. 

Psalm 139: 13-18
  You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body 
      and knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! 
      Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. 
  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, 
      as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. 
  You saw me before I was born. 
      Every day of my life was recorded in your book. 
   Every moment was laid out 
      before a single day had passed.
  How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. 
      They cannot be numbered! 
  I can’t even count them; 
      they outnumber the grains of sand! 
   And when I wake up, 
      you are still with me!












This song absolutely applies to almost my whole life. From my childhood on. It just grips my heart and I pour tears of joy every time I hear or play it willingly!! My brother, God bless him, even pulled over to let me wipe the tears and calm down as we were picking up Tory.  A BIG AMEN to Tory Jensen, my brother.... this month is his birthday, yes... but also one year after he gave his life to Christ!!! NOW THAT IS A BIG AMEN!!!! Now we pray for our parents!!!!