Alive

As I ran, searching for Christ back in 2003.... Nothing seemed controlled. The day I cried for Him on deaths door October 19, 2003, just before I hit coma after CPR was performed... Jesus had more than a heart, unconditional love, plans for all. He put up with me, this young girl who rejected Him for years on end while He saved her from so much. But that night I really should never have made it.
I went thru domestic violence from my ex almost the exact year before
I almost took and lost my life. It wasn't my only attempt ... But it was one that never should have been survived thru.
I began to overdose on my Phenobarbital because it numbed the pain, mental pain that my ex beating me, 2 mos after my first brain surgery caused. No excuse, but just personal reason.
I've never done a drug in my life, so it was shocker this was the route I took. But the neurologist I had in AL, during my pregnancy and heightened seizures, kept upping my dose of Phenobarbital past toxic level. So, a year later, after my 1st brain surgery then relocating with my husband then... That drug became my best friend.... My god. Four days into TX move, my ex beat me. But it was military, they don't put up with it. So they pulled him out of our apartment.
I was so distraught -unsure why it all happened. So I began reaching for my bottle of antiseizure medicine I took my whole life-Phenobarbital ... And took it in larger quantities.... Knowing it would numb the pain.
Mind you that was a year before the tragic yet blessed day-October 19, 2003. All of 2003 I was tripping over my own created disasters to hopefully rid the big one in my life. But I just couldn't hold anything together.
I was very blessed with the worlds BEST and caring neurologist ever at Mayo hospital. He knew my personality well, and could see a breakdown coming. He dealt with 3 big overdoses of mine that year, but that one in October we always thank Jesus for.
On the 17th I had an appointment with my neurologist, and he could see I was jittery. Something was wrong with Heather.
Oddly enough the 18th rolled around and I received a call from my now ex husband. All of a sudden, no matter what pictures I had taken legally of my bruises he caused, he was denying he touched me. I just was hurt, yet exploding inside.
I had been searching for Jesus that whole year of 2003.... But I didn't yet know how to turn to HIM, and give Him my baggage. I was one who still kept everything deep inside me-until it became obvious. And that is what happened. I had been saving up my Phenobarbital for a few months, totally hidden. First reason I didn't take it was I was angry at it cause of a couple overdoses that were hospitalized and some just at home. But yet I still saved it. Unconsciously of any issue, any aftermath they were there. And that occurred. That argument on the phone with my ex calling from Iraq, in denial of any abuse made me explode. I would either live thru it very numb, or graciously die-which to me was a gift to everyone...right down to my baby girl I raised on my own thru it all. I was lost and didn't want to be found. Hard problem, having gone to church all that year, I probably hadn't accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior yet.
So the 19th hit and I hit every pill I had stored for months. A very very strong, 1912 anticonvulsant medication went in my system. My daily dose would normally be 180 mg. I had swallowed over 9000 mg and can somehow, only thru Christ's plans and love, tell you this.
My hospital stay started in the ER. But all began at the mall with a friend when it all was hitting hard. I was fortunate to have my neurologists cell. I called, blasted as ever, and he instructed me to get to their ED right away. By the time I got there, I was in and out. No gag reflex, level from 30 of Phenobarbital to at least 101 and climbing. They had to give CPR cause it stopped my heart....and just before they pumped my stomach...I cried to Jesus for another chance for Him, for my kid, even though I didn't deserve it. I saw light and exited. They pumped my stomach and I was in ICU for a few days.
My neurologist could "get" why all this happened. He despised my ex and did everything to help me out of that pit.
I came off of that Phenobarbital then. We've tried it since, to see if the physical addiction was gone.... But it is there forever.
Humor behind that medication I took my whole life; had that AL neurologist not increased the dose so high while pregnant, it probably would have remained my medication....no overdoses, one brain surgery instead of three. But had I not fallen into the overdosing mode, I may never had run looking for Christ-for His hand, His help. And I wouldn't have my amazing husband today.... And maybe not even you amazing friends. It is amazing what one part of life changed could do to us, some positively, others negatively.
So, even though this day thru the 29th may seem surreal, I wouldn't change it. He finds a way for us to grab ahold of Him in all different ways.
I pray my family finds Him. I was the first for years... I think and pray my brother has. But as for my parents.... They are far from any God...very bitter. Thru all this I've tried to capture all the positives, not dwell on something decades ago that could have caused it all. He has too many plans and blessings as we walk with Christ.
Even with the severe pain my 3rd AWAKE brain surgery caused... From 2010 thru now, I have to hang on knowing He has plans thru it all.
Bless you all....

(By the way, the day my ex beat me was Oct 6, 2002... I insisted my husband today get married on October 6, 2007 to rid the pain... Best decision ever)
Jesus works miracles...
Heather (Hetty) Siebens

Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."


Joshua 24:24 The LORD our God we serve, and His voice will we obey.

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!!

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Micah 6:8 And what does this LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

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