Hurt, Love, Friends, Family, Trials-JESUS

We all need to learn to give love, need to learn to receive...for if we are against each one, our life together will not breathe. ~Part of a poem of mine from 2004....

There are several things Satan wants me to give up on... Jesus, faith, love, health, family, friends, forgiveness, restoration ....

Most of these can be haunting. When you become a true hearted Christ follower...you have to be armed in a form of love. But what if something atrocious hit you? Many ways of looking at that.
My ex began cheating on me first yr of marriage. But what had us end was his physical abuse to me 6 1/2 yrs into it, we had a million break ups and files cancelled for divorce. But then, I had just gone thru my first brain resection and we had a one yr old sleeping soundly in her crib. This wasn't going to continue. Later after that ...major life threatening actions occurred while all of a sudden searching for Christ-He spoke to me saying just before I hit coma that I would return, but it wasn't my time...to keep pressing on in His love. I woke up a different person.

But here is the tough part internally... My parents grew further and further from me, as for they refuse to open their hearts and feel their failures are embarrassing instead of human. The last decade has been tough. I've gone thru very tough medical issues, they would have nothing to do with; whether it was overdosing to numb the abused pain they didn't believe yet,,, or grand mal, status epilepticus seizures, or two more brain surgeries. They wouldn't come. They distanced BIG before we moved to Philly...never calling or texting me once for over two years. But we returned in January, and we drove down to see them twice...and that was the end. I got a text this past Friday saying so.
Now ironically, that happened on my 5th day of my body being pain free, and taking care of my daughter on my own as Christian was out of town, business. That message just blew me up. In tears....then turned to anger....I'm hoping for numbness.... Then forgiveness to move on.
I sit and tell myself He has reason for everything ... Just give it time...but I have given this over 10 years.... Have a gut feeling time for me isn't on their agenda.
But I'll deep down always love them. I was never material, just needed love. But where they are in life, they cannot show that...to me, nor their only grand kid, Tory.

Day after this one of my best friends and I bumped heads. I still feel the same way, hurt while I emailed her....but hurt more she took as a jab. I just speak reality. So I am sorry to that soul if it hurt that much...to not call in return to figure it out and just drop me from all social media. I don't do that, won't do that....as for Jesus wouldn't. I will love her just the same. Given emails sometimes are heard differently than how they would be spoken verbally...sorry, I verbally was struggling with my parents downfall to hold it all in full sentence. So if I hurt you aside of truth, it came from my crushed heart from reaction to my parents. I can be very aggressive, and friend, we both know you are delicate...but that is a gift from Jesus. Keep it.

So even with all this chaos, my legs and arms are in basically zero pain for the first time since that brain surgery in 2010. So lesser the likelihood of my having the corpus colostomy done ( split of both hemispheres of the brain to stop the one side telling the other I am in utter pain) ... At least right now it's under control..and the other is on the back burner.

I am an odd soul who listens to music that relates to my pain...I am a much stronger Christian than last years chaos, but the music lets me know, as well as I know, I'm not alone in this mess. My faith music will return very very soon....I feel much more at ease. The parent thing just has taken a couple days to file away for now.
And I love all who hate me (not many thank God)....and love all you who love me.... Mostly, I am in deep love with Jesus Christ...thru everything.
God bless you all...in your walks, thru strife, thru blessings, thru it all we are so loved by our Creator.....and He won't let you go, if He hasn't me!

In His Love,

"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but YOURS be done." Luke 22:42

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Psalm 124:8

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Anonymous said...

you are an amazing forgiving, loving, caring, creative, passionate, life-giving woman of God. I am so proud of you.

Love, Amanda xoxo

Heather Siebens said...

Amanda.... There aren't any on this globe about you....I am so proud to call you my friend, and sister. For all we've gone thru... We still know where to turn. You precious gem!