How can I break this down....
I grew up knowing nothing. In a town-that if anyone knew anything about Jesus-they sure were quiet. Only time I ever heard a thing about this "Guy" (aside from His name in vane in my family) was that show Jesus of Nazareth. I was about seven...and clueless...but it sure drew tears.
Kept living life...I was an epileptic my whole life. As a child I was a gymnast-a competitor...and in my heart...I would talk to "someone" just didn't know who. Had dreams-talking to "someone" about them...not sure who...
My parents marriage got so rocky as they lived for money and their names to be high up in the town we lived in..President of this and that...that of coarse led to women wanting my dad for material reasons...and he folded. And with my dad cheating on my mom started a whole new relationship between her and I...I was basically her counselor. She and I were always close. But she needed someone to confide in...and she did it with me, the daughter of both the parents. Which I didn''t think hurt then...but sure affected me later.
When I was 18-we had made our 4th move in last two yrs of my high school yrs. I was in New Bern, NC. I was insane there...was not the place for me. Some southern drawl I didn't understand...then people lectured me on this weird church stuff...not where I come from!! We don't have to do this church stuff-I'd tell em.....while I was there, I met my 1st husband-lengthier marriage by God-not by choice. We just jumped into marriage knowing each other 3mos. He was a marine. We wound up moving to California (probably half the reason I married him) But we had fuzzy feelings. Then when we got there in Cali-this is all 1996-he decided to press this Jesus stuff He had never spoken to me about-ever. At first I rejected it hard!!! Almost left him even...but then something tugged me. Half the reason was-everyone at my work, when I'd go to them asking them to back me up for me to leave him, couldn't-they were total Jesus Freaks! :) So on the side, I was learning from a friend a little...and started to go to my husbands church...but it wasn't but about a month into my attempt in my walking to learn more-that he cheated on me. After what I lived thru with my parents as a child...I had no forgiveness...nor did I have Jesus in my life yet-so didn't have it thru Him either...I was out of there...began 1 of my several move outs and to another state from him. We filed 3 times, 4th was our final in 2006. But God still has reasons for everything-during our breakups he showed me that I wasn't to be with other people-literally BIG signs of rolling my car three times, only breaking my marriage finger. Flat tires the night one was going to propose. Countless number of relationships-- searching to fill that void--somewhere around 15 in like an off an on 2 years. God sadly blesses me with an amazing memory-perhaps to know never to do all that again--turn TO HIM, now that I KNOW!! But He always is there...even when we aren't looking for Him.
My husband then, and I tried one last time-after another big break up-to patch it up back in 2000. He had feelings that I owed him-even though we both were so equal in hurting the other...finally got to a point his temper was just too much-and we discussed it-he said he couldn't handle being with me anymore and was seeing someone else...I was all okay...at least he told me...almost before. So we decided to go out-eat dinner-drink a bottle of wine (which was the first time I ever did with him) and talk about who gets what. We were laughing about it all in the end-back at our apartment...which lead to the married couple's last time....except even that night something felt and showed me-it was going to be more than that last night...
Within 5 days I found out that was the night that got me pregnant. He was so angry-wanted to abort it. I-not into Jesus-still felt it was a gift from God. We somehow stuck it out. But my seizures got worse...and it thru his schooling off. He didn't have time to take care of me...and when I had our baby Tory-he couldn't take care of us both...so Tory and I went back to AZ where my family was-to find a good neurologist. There I was set to go thru my first brain surgery Aug 7, 2002, and my husband had joined the Army so we could have the insurance for it. I made it thru that-no seizures!!! We had such marital strife and sinning all along.
We moved to Killeen, TX, where he was stationed. Four days after...he beat me with our baby asleep. Thank God for the Army...they kicked him out...took pics and records..I thought I was loosing my mind though...I was so lonely. I had nobody there. My family would not believe me-they can't deal with stress...so I had to pretend he lived there and we were happy and I wasn't abused. Thank God for my neurologist in AZ at Mayo-he stayed in touch. I told him what was going on to watch my seizures...and also this new problem that came on...overdosing with Phenobarbital-antiseizure med-to numb pain. I was so alone-listened to sad sad music, bawling with whatever amount of the pills and soda. Tears were uncountable. Finally...visiting a friend in Austin..we hit the ER 2 times...then they suggested I stay with them that night...but I said I felt soooo much better-when I could in reality, barely say those words. I got into my car...blared my sad Matchbox twenty song "Hand me Down" stopped at a Jack in the Box for a BIG Dr. Pepper...then aggressively took off...on repeat..on the 35...bawling-saw the rest of the bottle of my pills...while crying about how hopeless life is..picked it up and slid every last one that wasn't in me already, in me...downing with that Dr. Pepper...dropping 7...that upset me...took little time to realize...that if I didn't see an ER or H sign asap I wouldn't be around...somehow God provided that...somehow...and ripped my car over all these curbs into it. Going thru my first stomach pump. My parents were called by the family friend that I had seen and jumped on the first flight to come get Tory and I...there was God's hands at work there....
They were upset..but so loving. It was from that point on it was battle time. I didn't have them as the mom and dad I could talk about the beating with...upset them too much. Couldn't talk about my new addiction when I'd get upset and stressed over this divorce-he left Tory and I with nothing. I couldn't hold a job with my addiction issues...I found my church one day-when I was blasted...God called to me with that purple sign that said Cornerstone. I knew that was the only way I'd find hope. I started going...every Sunday...but I swear he always spoke directly at me...convicted me of so much! God answered so many little and big prayers in that tiny walk...beginning of learning...but I was still in a battle...wound up overdosing in June of 2003-more battle on line with my ex who was in Iraq-(gift from God to separate us that far-even though that was tough) The docs tried to change my medication-I really wanted Phenobarb out of my life-took about 12 days..at home reading to my 2 yr old on my lap on the floor...HUGE grand mal seizure...threw up everywhere...was out for 3 hrs-bonked my head on the tile. When I woke my baby was still standing there-2 1/2 hrs past her bed time-bawling her eyes out-pointing at me-saying "mama mama" ...ugh!! talk about tears...I barely could talk...
It took several more times of overdosing/hospitalizations after being put back on Phenobarbital (weekly, hand given-but stored by me) ...and one final time-in October of 2003-that I almost lost my life to...that Jesus saved me from death...heard tiny prayers...saw the little walk I was trying to walk...He needed to have me have more than a wake up call... HE SAVED ME FROM DEATH, on a major overdose. As I whispered His name, before I hit coma and they were pumping my stomach-HE SAVED ME BIG--more than 2nd chances. I lived to tell.
And I am blessed. Just following is when the love of my life-Christian-was shocked and amazed...over that yr...I as this new Christian on fire for Jesus...got him who grew up with Christ...ON FIRE!! And we dated the way God wanted us to! As my divorce was still going thru...God had that take time...and I look and see why now...it took about 4 yrs for me to really forgive my ex for beating me. It hurt me so bad emotionally...caused so much anguish-with seizures and overdosing...but with that overdosing...I have to look back and thank Jesus for it all...for I found Him...and it led me to going thru a second brain surgery-that was amazing!!! Following Him...in prayer-the second one was almost painless...which was a SHOCK-cause it was so much more complicated than the first!! The day after I got out...I was at Bible study!! AMEN!!!! I didn't get out of the house the first one for about a month!
With this walk came forgiveness...and when I felt God tug on me to do that....and I did forgive my ex for all he did to me-while also apologizing for what I also put him thru...God made me feel so awesome inside...like He gives you a new heart. And mine on fire for Him! Did it have aching times, yes. seizing a month after my second brain surgery hurt...but He has reasons for everything. I have been on a health struggle since 2000...and worsened since 2005. If I went down my list-you'd wonder how I still type! hahaha!! But the cool thing is...is that-no matter how many times I go to the hospital, and for what...He is there, holding me the whole time...
I have numerous health issues if anyone ever wants to talk-I am open! We are so blessed. Even thru battles of trials, came blessings! My ex has surrendered rights to Tory-our kid, and given my husband ability thru that to adopt. He has raised her as her dad since she was two. And a successful 3rd brain surgery-cured my Epilepsy...they did it while I was AWAKE. God was more than there! And amazing people-near and far from Twitter were also there thru it all! I love you all so much!! My precious hubby updated it all on http://manyepilepsycures.blogspot.com
I was able to enjoy life, working out, many sports I loved but couldn't do with Epilepsy holding me back.
But, I am on pause for the moment again, being tested for numerous illnesses that ate my nerves/muscles up so quickly-and out of no where. But I know He always sees me thru... and has amazing plans-as I walk with Him and trust Him.
God has amazing reasons for everything...even when it is a battle with health. It somehow is a light-not only in my life, but in others too. I am able to share His awesome love and Word thru these struggles and how awesome He works thru them! Never would regret a moment of it...
Blessings to you...
Hetty Siebens @AliveinMe
Jeremiah 17:15 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise.
2 Corinthians 12: 8-9 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.
1 Peter 5: 6-7 So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and in His good time He will honor you. Give ALL your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you!
Blessings are amazing...and all of you are sure BIG BLESSINGS!!
Blessings can sure be hidden when we don't open are heart to them surrounding us. Even during hard trials...there are such amazing blessings that occur thru them. We just have to recognize them...and be gracious and thankful. Sometimes that can be so tough.
It has been a tough few months for me...with my child MIA with my ex over the summer...from lack of communication. But I had to put my trust in Christ...no human power. And He saw us thru. Not only that...but He also blessed Tory and our family with my ex deciding to back out...to do what is best for Tory. Yes, part selfish for money...but also realizes who she sees as her dad from lack of being there...psychologically it is best for our child...and in time she can make her own decisions. But her dad is here in our home...has been for her since she was 2. So even thru those tough days in the summer...with faith and trust..Jesus more than blessed us and Tory.
As well as health....we have to rely on Christ. We never know why..it is all going on. When it will all stop. But we know He ALWAYS has us in HIS HANDS as we love and trust Him...He never lets us down. So even seizure after seizure...turning into more health issues I keep having over and over...which is lack of ability to walk...lift arms...that hit again last weekend. I was scared. It hits....but it hit HARD. But He saw me thru. Even with my nurse snapping at me with little care...I praise Jesus for my neurologist who called me back. He has a heart of GOLD. And will re run blood work AGAIN. I have a real fun system that doesn't absorb vitamins well...so if I lack several and haven't had them infused lately...I fall to pieces. And it very much handicaps me. So...we will see. I take so many meds for my seizures right now until surgery is done...that those don't help. They just add to it...but I try my best...to keep up on them..and always see that light Christ has for me thru all of this...to share with others.
As for the hardest part..I clammed up for sometime do to family issues. My brother's sociopathic problems. My parents just take him in again...and don't understand tough love. And he has been this way...since childhood. He needs to learn..hard...that WE WILL BE THERE..once he himself..goes and gets help...and stops using everyone. Using every drug..but if one keeps coddling him...he will never get better. And then they have no right to complain for all he has taken from them...so...it is tough..if there is one in my family who uses their heart...it has always been me. One who is the one ALWAYS THERE...loving..in all times. But I am shut out now due to tough love. And I pray that he will get help...and they all will re-love me when they understand why I am doing this. All I want is for my brother to get better...I have been in very similar shoes. So it hurts when someone you love dearly...is just hurting not only themselves...but everyone you love around you. He has so much potential.
I know God will see it all thru...Christ has worked wonders in my life. That is proof He can and WILL in ALL lives...who are ready for Him to!! Just reach out to Him...ask Him into your life...and WOW...you will watch amazing changes to come over the years of your walk with Him! Just amazes me every day...HE NEVER GIVES YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE...but sure blesses us A TON!
And I am blessed to know all of you!!
So glad to be back up...ALIVE IN HIM...AS HE IS ME...On Twitter..Walking better...typing more!! And my mouth is a go!!
God bless you all!! Tweet me!!
((HUGS)) from me thru Christ!
In HIs Love,
Heather (Hetty) Siebens