Wealth

How Much?

Ecclesiastes 5:10  Those who love money will never have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness!!

So what is that amazing true love to you? What do you find your focus on in need of always? Something or someone you can't live without?

With me my first amazing love goes straight to me Creator-for bringing me here to learn love, and show it. That is my other part of love-I love my husband Christian Siebens beyond understanding-just an amazing click. And my daughter will always be more than any daughter to me-she is extra special. We went thru some tide together in life with my psychotic ex, but I kept her peaceful, loving, excited for each day. She is quite on fire for Jesus, and I am so proud. My Big Bro Troy Jensen has made an endless impact on my heart-something that he never would have done before-as for he loved material things, money. That was how we grew up. But I saw how it could hurt my parents relationship then, I was not one who ever wanted it a big part of my life.

My greatest memory really is when my ex and, well became ex's due to his beating me. To clarify that-how did that benefit me? I was one to struggle, no matter how, to pay for a 1 bedroom, not the best nor best neighborhood apartment. I slept on the floor, with a lamp with no shade. That was classic. But Tory had her stuff, thanks to my parents. And we had the closest relationship thru it all. Nothing took our attention off each other-that is what I loved.

If I role play, happily married to a wealthy man, frequently gone on business trips-but brings in major dough for the kid and I-even gifts chosen...which would I choose? Believe it or not, with Jesus in our household focus-the one above. I've lived thru both-and most get drawn in, expect more, "need" more, want more, demand more... then all get hurt or defensive if it isn't reached. Humbleness is gone.

It isn't a criminal act to be well off. But you have to check yourself, before you wreck yourself--and more. I am one who wants occasional few new outfits, make-up, music, love to decorate. But overall-that happens far apart, sporadic, many are gifts to me in time. I do take the excited adventures when I feel well and go places amazing, trips etc. But I am more of a giver. Receiving is wonderful. But it feels amazing for the heart when you give.

So the battle of wealth. Do you find yourself looking at many others angry wondering why that isn't you? Or your car, your house etc? How much longer will you be made to work questions? The blessing is life is about the heart, not about something man made later in life that makes the heart thump with anxiety. The heart is God made just for you and me. It is in us-spreads throughout our whole body--our BRAIN!!!! SO we should know this!! Using our heart more for just a kiss is a big move. It is a must. Really teach it to love-everything it has, able to give, excited over family and friends, using it to reach out to others-use your heart for so much. For being you. For all you have had, have, and are today. For today is what matters-God only knows what tomorrow holds.

I bring this up because I have been around those who have struggled financially in life-went from rich to poor. And know have this bitterness, anger. None of it seems "fair" to them. Nothing in life in all comparisons would be fair. But sadly, everyone notices money issues to be most drastic more than deathly illnesses that kill young kids. That flies by many like this, with a "that is just ridiculous" an angry attitude there too... but no comfort. No heart. The heart will not change if they won the lotto-it does not by what the heart prevails in... love always. First few days would be giddy-but would fade-no Jesus, and no heart.

Money is not the answer to life. We can live thru it, that God. But isn't the answer. Jesus is-and He will lay all answers out for you as you keep walking His walk, whole heartedly-for Him, not money. God only knows what He has in store for you!

Love you all!!

In His Love,

Heather

Hang on with Faith

Hanging On Jesus
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."


I have been blessed to have gone thru so much in my mid 20's, that all shook me finally enough to find the Truth. John 14:6 Jesus told him, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one can come to the Father except thru Me!" The reason I am here-and STILL am with all I went thru, and then put myself thru. He works miracles for the moment we show Him humbleness, hope, a gleam of wonder if it is really HIM. Cause the moments you show more wonders, are the moments He has been grabbing your heart more.


It took many years of first me being introduced to who He is late in life, then tragically going thru so much (many blogs on that in here..) but the amazing part is the moment you lift your eyes-open your heart to Him, and allow your faith to endure thru everything you go thru-with HIM-the whole way He already has amazing plans for you. You just have to use that faith part for it to happen. For His amazing plans to endure. And as you open your heart more and more to everything tough that happens in life, knowing just to trust Him-have faith, He will help you run thru this trial with those amazing plans ahead. But if we stay angry, or bitter, or far away from God's love and faithfulness thru everything-then we won't get to see His-HIS next step in everything yet. Not until we are ready to invite Him back in.
I went thru my pouty stage. My why God stage. My-THIS CAN'T BE stage.... but I was refocused by so many-starting with my amazing brother whom swears I was the one who recently brought Him to Jesus. That grabbed me big. As I have prayed for years. Now we are so close-we are 2 peas in a pod.
Then I just have amazing family, neurologist, docs--and two very amazing ones that held my hand tight thru this was my psychiatrist for over 7 years at Mayo Clinic-- Dr. Cynthia Stonnington. Has such a grabbing heart and attitude about how you will succeed getting thru this illness. Then knowing I moved, she knew I'd be going thru a few years of pain with what is called severe Fibromyalgia- and she already has an amazing psychiatrist set up for me to call this week in Philly to make an appointment-stay focused on wellness. I was amazed at all she has to do, at what time she had before I entered her office. Always such a heart filled with joy. In addition was my brilliant psychologist Dr.Seri Roth-Roemer. She is such an amazing doctor full of life, laughter, faith-and with the focus she guides you with, just in days you begin to feel better and be better for others. But you have to have the right focus for yourself. She knows how to learn about you to find the right focus! Amazing what the brain controls. She is full of amazing gifts-one I'd love to take after if one day I am well enough to get back to school. But all my docs keep getting me thru it. All the tests galore-trying to see what is causing the severe pain-right after I healed from my #rd brain surgery, done AWAKE! Just one more test to be done. Otherwise, the low down is I have quite the case of fibromyalgia or it was caused from my brain surgery. Actually nicking a part that deals with pain. Cutting into vessels then going into the "Hot Spots" where seizures were recorded. My neurosurgeon would have me read, tell colors, keep talking etc while telling him any odd things happening while marking areas that aren't "affecting" me yet-to take out. Looking back, I kept my focus more on eyes that were gonna go if we took the whole "Hot Spot" out, so just some was taken from that and I have lack of periphreal vision. But one thing that I didn't think twice about was pain in my body, and temperture raising, and prickles. But all that can come from the medication they gave me to try to help the pain, while awake, and when it wore off, my brain was stressing overload for the pain on the brain surgery and body. It attacks the brain and where it sends its signals, for everything. Which leads to severe pain. Signals that stop pain get triggered and the body, unharmed is in severe attacks, severe pains all over-not knowing how it is supposed to make that pain go away.The signals are drastic-it is even hard to hug I hurt so bad. So I pray with this 4th brain surgery (cutting the brain in half-corpus callosum ) and medication, some knowledge of it now-I will heal quicker than how I was making it worse with such a negative attitude, laying around in severe pain-waiting for it to go away. God has different plans.So I have to take this plan and run with it.... He his worth all steps.
Blessings to all thru Jesus!


Heather
http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe
http://www.twitter.com/AliveinMe

THE TEAM from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Mc Prodigal Amazement

This is for my dear friend, mentor Richard Mayhan @McProdigal. He is so transparent, goes deep in subject then brings it to the surface thru the love and heart of our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ
He is so humble-placing others obstacles in life first. He tries to really understand them as if he lived it out. Most of all he has been thru obstacles never ashamed about-therefore he can talk, listen, pray, lift, console, understand, and gather others to pray that you will have no idea about!! His heart is amazing for the love of Christ.... please connect if not--and if ever looking for anyone in counseling/church--he rocks up in New Hampshire!! Otherwise, catch him on here!!!
God bless you all for praying--helping me see some purpose. Pull me out of this mud. It is still so hard everyday-but it is more and more in Christ's hands again, not mine.

God bless-with humble thanks....

Hetty  (Heather)  @AliveinMe  @Time4Christ  http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe

PS... and the Counting Crows started their first major album in 1993-debut 91...no 80's my friend!!  :)

Man on the Moon

I guess there are times that I had felt that in the year 2000--on... but it has been a while. Twas a great song, but I would've gone to NASA if that was my true choice. Overall, I was not a "space" girl. Instead Jesus brought me to Him in tough times. One was divorcing my ex who beat me...he loved space. Instead I make the "woMan on the moon" by overdosing Phenobarbital to ease that pain...keep it on the "high" side. Just get an exciting feeling or right to do. (whether true by space shuttle or moon to "get High otherwise") Excitement of them are not in my deck of cards today. But  the song is amazing, as well as what came thru it all in my life of it.
I would just like to hit no pain, in which will bring happiness again. So I can dance with my hubby, play in aggressive ways with my kiddo-and answer all phone calls etc..... Right now, I have zero energy, no pain relief and so much more.... and family to please. That isn't going to happen.
Overdosing was my choice before in life. But I found the extreme pain. The hurt. The loss. The slight numbness or high it would give you-then it leads to misery and at least near death. 
I sit back and follow these amazing doctor rules that do nothing for pain, makes you wonder where tomorrow is.
But I can also see how all this extreme action, again on me brings Him Glory. I see someone who loves me dearly speaking of God more than I have lately-I think God cleaned him up to an amazing soul, now has him beginning to lecture pro Jesus talk like me-just boosting me now. I see this persons life changed, and for that I am grateful. Only Christ can do that-sometimes thru visual of loved ones. And that all pain is worth it.
My life revolves around Jesus, Christian, Tory and Troy-and one missing would make me snap more. So stay close. Know I need you all---not that Man on the Moon.......not me high...need me fixed and the real Jesus working on it.
So all I can see is a small reason. Otherwise if His Heaven is what we are waiting for in these extremes-there are easier ways to find them then suffer, and make others live in misery. His plans for me are thru suffering. I don't know why, but I am re-trying to grip.
He has plans-I just pray mine is still wellness on earth.


In His Love,




Heather


Revelation 22:12-13  "See I am coming soon, and my reward is with Me, to repay all according to their deeds. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."

Video "Lamimin" Louie Giglio-AMAZIING

AMEN!!!!!

Are We Numbered?

ISAIAH 40:26-31

Look up into the heavens.

      Who created all the stars?
   He brings them out like an army, one after another,
      calling each by its name.
   Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
      not a single one is missing.
    O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
      O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
    Have you never heard?
      Have you never understood?
   The Lord is the everlasting God,
      the Creator of all the earth.
   He never grows weak or weary.
      No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
    He gives power to the weak
      and strength to the powerless.
    Even youths will become weak and tired,
      and young men will fall in exhaustion.
   But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
      They will soar high on wings like eagles.
   They will run and not grow weary.      They will walk and not faint.

My mailbox is empty-does that mean I am gone. All my illnesses, one lead to another. With treatments-large ones like 3 brain surgeries led to other types and remedies and so many medications you'd wonder how I am still here now. Does this mailbox mean I am now gone? Does this empty mailbox just mean He has taken me early-maybe earlier than plan? For all my struggles brought on myself, not hearing Jesus for 26 years... while overdosing during the year to find Him? Does He pull time in life back for not being perfect, or not attempting much "good" to fix the larger problems we create?
Does Christ have just chosen ones anyway, that if you aren't on it, no matter how hard you try as a late blooming believer-it would be worthless, you aren't on His chart? Does He have pull backs when after you have become a strong walker with Christ, but had tough times and had a cold heart the "why God" the "how could You" or "I think I have to throw in my towel" ... does God truly shut off your entrance code with just those words

• Never hearing about Jesus while young-til adult and confused.
• Family had hurting time as a child, sad, anger, no Jesus either
• first husband and I eloped-told no one. He also told me nothing of his belief in Christ.
• He tried to shove this unknown Jesus stuff down my throat-shove harsh--I rejected it BIG.
• He cheated on me when I began to try a little bit of Jesus. 9 mos of marriage 1st adultery hit.
• We broke up and made up-moved away over a dozen times in 4 years. One thing that kept us together happily on my end-aggitated on his, was "our" child... now mine--born 4/17/2001
• When I got pregnant-the night we were planning divorce, it through his other plans out of action. Both our life took a whirlwind-I got sick. I could no longer work. My life was on hold. My seizures were out of control. He was very angry-put his plans out of play.
• When my child was born he just hated me more, and the surrounding more. When I took Tory on the plane to AZ to be with my family, he did not fight much.
• He came back when he had to go into the Army to keep my insurance going. Away for bootcamp-with many girls known while I was ill. Stationed in Ft Hood, happily while I raised Tory sick. But He was angry when we showed up after my 1st brain surgery to TX.
• He didn't think we'd really come. 4th night there-Oct 6th 2002-He beat me. And that was my turn. Starting point for when I know I needed more.
• I first turned big time to my phenobarbital. Larger and larger quantities. Then on moodiness I took more to "help" it.
• When I began dating my husband today-we wound up in my bad situations because I always OD'd before he'd come-ease nervousness of this wonderful "too good" of guy, pain of the other.
• He turned out to be my everything.
• Tory began to love him as Dad at 2.
• As I searched for Jesus and dated afar-the OD'ing got out of control-to the point even with all the amazement thru His Word-it took this big KNOCKDOWN in Oct 19, 2003 --that should have taken my life, but He so heard my cry.
• His heart led to Christian Siebens giving his heart totally to me-me totally to Jesus. As I learned so much from afar from Christian-my level of knowledge was around a 7ish and his was about a 2. He was excited for me, amazed, but deeply kind of embarrassed -which can be a good thing in this topic.
• And thru all of this, Jesus, learning, Christian's hand, prayer, psychology, church for me weekly, bible study every week when Christian moved down to Phoenix and started going to all with me--and he felt the Holy Spirit after 36 of knowing and mostly going to churches-this was the first time.
• Before he married me he walked thru more health complications-unbelievable amounts with epilepsy, medication radical side effects, 2nd brain surgery, 1 kidney found to work 80% worse back then (98% now) and dealing with the end of my divorce, my forgiving, and being kind to the man who beat me. But he married me: October 6, 2007 (exactly 5 years after my ex beat me-to make it a blessed day!) Married at our church in Chandler, first one I ever went to-feeling the Holy Spirit-hearing His Word, feeling the power of prayer. What has happened?
• What amazed me is this::: I was in the ER --and pretty much every one they had they sad were on me. And I went from some ability of verbal skills, to severely dropping quick-thinks started to flash as they began the charcoal down my throat I went into coma for 24 hours-without gag reflex for time after. It was waking up from all of that-all that went on that gave me some personally feeling of fixation of probs by doing this. I had learned this over the year-and I did, I cried out to Jesus when I awakened. Called out to Him to give me another chance-I have to much to live for-too much that are amazing for Him, and I was appointed their mom-Please! Jesus drew me close those 10 days.::I can still call Him Dad--and my Christian my husband! So many amazing answers in life.
• I was in and out of the hospital from then on. Never what we had always dreamed I turn closer to being. And everything has just worsened, when I thought 2006 was the worse one-or 2008 was the top one...2009...every year was multiple times, not just once. Then 2010 finally rolled around-and I had the team of Twitter and Facebook all over prayer, phone calls, gifts, love, visits... and that love started in my 2009 stay---God bless you all. Praise you God.

So I hate ever complaining to all you amazing people-but you need to know why I am MIA. This time around was different. They aren't positive what the outcome will be-or if in fact it is half illness/half from 3rd brain surgery-but so many things have gone in the air. We have to go to a new clinic near Philadelphia-where we just moved. My family is all my Mayo family in AZ--but we will see what the change will do. 

I had first so many outpatients I can't count that high. I had an outside valley doc tell me multiple illness that he saw-that he needed me to have looked at right away, but 15 miles from Mayo, I wouldn't choose others in the Valley if it would have been a fake diagnosis. But no good determinations from any outpatient testing. Deeper Tests-none again. In-patient for over a week right before I moved so we could see if quick odd tests could show much, if not, they were testing ways to calm my pain-so I could while I was moving and first here in Philly start looking for a neuro an answer from God is this is it-or if this is really just the end... etc...

All of this has sure caused handicap with me-making me feel like a useless, awful parent and wife and sister. But my brother and little girl do so much good for me--and my husband is now learning. It isn't as simple to me -excruciating -never ending, as opposed to my seizures I get, get thru, get over, got on with it. There were tough parts like driving, headaches etc.... but nothing like death that I ever felt would occur, no matter the small statistics. 

The top part really of this illness isn't even telling people about it-or having people ask about it. Tough part is for both my husband and I. I look for some sort of comforting or empathy, and that is far from what is/was there from Him. With Epilepsy, I was able to be more of a take it on myself. Not whine. Don't baby me.BUT This whole body attack is another illness. I can hardly do one simple movement, lift, make meal, dress, take child out for fun, put on my own clothes, awful memory, severe pain so can't get up and down new homes beautiful stairs all over, can't sleep well from pain.... etc etc all in which knock down my psychological standing-feel in need for my AZ psychologist here every hour!!! But it is even harder when the man you married who is your everything, thinks he is doing things right again by just backing off--coming toward me only if he needs or requires something. That worsens it all in my heart. I begin to wonder who I am married to now-who forgot how to be there for me. As he is there for himself and this amazing new workforce. We've been proud for his new job for 5 weeks. But now with as much as this has worsened-he must be scared it will take his dream away. It won't. It may take one-me-so enjoy the lovingly wife while you can..... 
We just had a week of getting thru to each other-how life has changed, and it wasn't changing well in our relationship-love in it was vanishing--changing how we live it, want it, know about each other, conquer it all. Once the big talk my big brother helped us with-my hubby and help from extraordinary friends who care on Facebook-We still love each other more than before. Understanding both sides.

We all have things to change, for ourselves, friends, work, of course our dear spouse---then Finally-Jesus Christ we double check we changed for in the beginning, middle and end. Christ doesn't kill us.. makes us bigger, stronger ready for His time to take us back. Even when we feel so weak-we won't there!

Last.... have you thought about yours? Has Jesus accepted you yet even-to your best of knowledge? If you died tomorrow, would you hit the To Heaven Truck or be left on a very below southern route? 
Have you ever sat back and watched your own life you live, if played by someone else, NO WAY they could handle it, most demand to change parts. 

Sometimes it is a few bad days-but more awful your attitude or life issue. You overall have a solemn attitude or rude, and  several chunks of tough days, with any ways to make it better on your own, if Jesus especially does no good quick. Is it correct still with Jesus? Or if you also found Him late in life--wouldn't that like minus the correct chunks of tough days allowed once accepted? Jesus is a walking fast calculator!! Or is all of this true... we are allowed to find Him when we do--as He is part of that plan... great portion of tough times are needed to grow closer to needing Him. And we are just to try to keep walking as tight as possible, knowing we will fall--with goal of just becoming more and more like Him.
Then there are the lifetimers with few troubles. Are they really watched over because it is an acceptance way sooner than another-or is that person weaker to share His word thru suffering? 
How hard it is to be like Him. To know His plans. Sometimes it is just easier to not really know which date given, which hospital illness all have said--you just wait for Christ to bring you home--and pray for less suffering. I know I get cranky with Him--but He is still there for me!!! I love you all on Facebook and twitter....and @TroyJensen my big brother taking care of us all.... my daughter Tory....
And never ending love thru it all as we learn.... Christian Siebens @flyingchristian 
On top of all---thank You for holding us all so tight... dear Jesus!!! You ARE our ALL IN ALL! I know you don't count a thing-You keep us on our toes for YOU. You know why illnesses occur and if they can flee. God I pray to You, one of them is me---to keep sharing Your love and Word.


In Your Name Jesus,
Heather

Giving My "Keys"

If you confirmed with Jesus He had the keys, completely to my life... wouldn't you look at this picture of me and double think all this "trust" stuff?? I sure as heck know I WOULD! Cause whatever the keys are for, is something sad, slow, and dangerous with health and living. But who are we to pick how we want Him to plan our lives? We can pray-and He answers so many, IN HIS WILL. But some just aren't. Or sometimes are, but just temporarily --and that can be discouraging. 

But who are we to plan, who are we to slam our fists and say "NO, this won't happen...." He wants us to be humble, loving, and trusting. In all circumstances-with faith. He wants us to clap our hands and praise Him when well... and when in the at home, in the hospital, ANYWHERE, suffering. Cause we, as sons and daughters of our Lord-we should all know the amazing life we have thru Him now-and the one to come!!! With all He did for us in suffering--and not in a "spoiled" life, but during a very tough life-shows how much endless love He has for us. As He gave His life for us knowing the cost-His body, His life that could have been "fun" but instead was for His Father, for US. How unselfish is that!!!?? Placing all He knew to come, and even totally screw up along their way--but He gave His everything so He could be our SAVIOR. One to reach to always in need-always in tears-in anger and fear-in laughter-most of all----ALWAYS. He is our everything to reach to, cling to, listen to, follow, trust and love always. And when we get off that track, our plans do too. His plans for us-which out-do our plans by everything-are paused, until we look back to Him and get back on His track-GIVE HIM OUR KEYS FOR HIS FULL CONTROL, GUIDANCE---and listen to His answer to our prayers.

His plans outweigh all. So listen for Jesus. Don't listen to others. Open your ears to friends who talk thru His love and guidance, so more will make sense when He gives you His answers!!! Prayer to Him rocks!! And is amazing thru friends who are also tight with Christ. This I know, as I type from Mayo Hospital, flooded with prayers from amazing friends from twitter and Facebook, AZ to PA and all over USA and beyond!!! You all mean so much to me thru Him. I apologize if I have been snappy-- but I hadn't been listening to Jesus closely. Some amazing music by Ed Kowalczyk lifted me off my pity party-had me open my Bible and reach to all of you with such dear prayers. I thank you all...

And Scott Norris ... you know the words you said changed so much of my focus.. God bless you!!

I am re-giving Jesus my Keys to everything--so He, the Head of everything in my life, can show me where we are going!!!! He took my pain and anguish--as He jumped in the drivers seat... WOW!! Praise HIM!

All of you have gifts, and are gifts from Jesus.... God bless you!!!

In His Love,

Heather

1 Peter 4:10

God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

John 16:33

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Utter Pains and Blessings

Makes you wonder, which side of the bench YOU are going to be on... and always makes you wonder at times--which one JESUS is on!!!??? Or are you jumping just into a line of a ton of never ending "traffic" ... "issues" ....
We all go thru ebbs and flows... just gosh, at times, seems like the extremities of all hard times are never coming back from drowning sea. And that is how it has been for me, personally-2 mos after my very successful 3rd brain surgery.
1595-William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost, iv 3
As true we are as flesh and blood can be:  The sea will ebb and flow, heaven show his face.
I got boggled down with, yes, the extreme weird foot pain, that over a couple weeks turned into extreme body pain. But then it has turned into extreme body changing pain. Different areas. Quickly in the day, quickly changes place. And it never settles. My brother is able to sit across the room and watch me react, unknowingly, in extreme body movement from extreme body pain. Just jolts. And many tears have flowed. The brain surgeries were so much simpler. Everything in life, which has never been simple as an adult, has been simpler than this. So I sit and ask myself-I ask God... "Seriously, is there a reason... or do You just hate me..." 
Now I know the Truth. I know He loves me. I know without Him, this would have killed me long ago. In reality, I would have killed myself long ago. But He has His plans. It is just so hard to hang on. Another day is out of control. My child is out of school and I am useless-so it feels. My family just doesn't have "me..." And I really don't even want to feel wanted, cause I just don't even feel like ME!!!
But thru all of this, Jesus throw a loop for our family. That still brings joy thru all the pain and tears, and Lord knows my anger. My hubby got such an amazing incline in the work he does, with an amazing company located in a city I have lived before. We are, as a family moving to Philadelphia around the 22nd of July-- if not sooner... along with my amazing brother too--whom does so much for me, my family. So with this amazing news, and start-that has so many Jesus signatures ALL OVER IT... along with my dragging never ending illness-you have to lay back and see that obviously, it is still in His grip-with more molding-IN HIS TIME TO COME. I am praying, and holding on. While thrilled for my husband.
I just try not to com-bust, over the pain, nor the side effects that the medication daily. That has horrific side effects that make my able to use one eye well, forgot myself, forget all my verbal language unless given EXTRA TIME to think, and forget where I am even heading to get something-when I get there.... but I know it has tiny tiny bit of help. Not sure if enough to keep taking it. But when I pull some, the pain comes back twice as bad. Such a give and take. I thought the weight gain in the beginning was bad-that was the joy. I have never been bigger than 110... so this was odd... but I am waiting for it all to be worth every issue it causes.
So I am still hanging on... gripping Jesus tight. I know He blesses me every day-even when I don't show or give love back. SO unconditional...... I will keep moving forward with HIM with all we have to look forward to... in Philly, and one day-with HIM.


In His Love,
Heather



2 Corinthians 1:7
We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

Re-Reflecting and trying to understand, Part 2

Here to share my story-my faith thru it all....

Do we count the days that are good or bad? Or do we reflect, be thankful and continue on the way God has planned for us? Don't you get stuck in ruts that you look back at what happened, circumstances or what you pulled and kind of get stuck wallowing? Trying to figure it all out? I sure have. For many years. But I also, thankfully with HIS patience have been shown how everything turns out for Good-in His time, with our faith-His Love.
Every one I talk to, wanting to know about my past, my trials, why I have such faith--if they don't know me in person or by picture think I am at least in my 50's. That is because I chose a more complicated road to find Christ. Have had a lot of trials. I was presented all amazing wonder about His truth when I was healthy at 19--but my rocky marriage and pride got in the way. It was MY WAY. That is when Jesus gently started "tapping" me. From flat tires on the way to see wrong men- to rolling my car, but stepping out unharmed. He was honestly holding me tight from destruction of not finding Him one day-by putting a stop to a lot of things. When I just thought it was an irritating day, or some 'idiots" fault for leaving destructive materials in the freeways.
Then after how many break ups of my first marriage and different men during-he blessed me with pregnancy of my beautiful child I have today... while we were out planning divorce. We stuck it out, but it led to destruction-as for no one stepped up to the plate of needing Christ to make it happen. That was greatly needed for care and understanding on both sides-as for my seizures flew out of control and we weren't used to that. And that threw his plans of schooling out of line. Anger built up more. More wrong between us both. Instead of having a hand at all hospitalizations-I had someone with anger. When I was in for my 1st brain surgery in 2002-it looked promising. And it was. Until my baby and I moved to where my husband then was stationed-2 mos after the surgery. We got to Texas-four days after-he beat me...which led to my confusion, tears, and overdosing for my first answer-nearing death several times.
My husband today came into my life even more. He was rather confused. Always thought the times he saw me and I was so high, then crashed for hours was just epilepsy related. He has no background in family of health issues. Led to quite the course of confusion, tears, a break-up, and trying to share and understand. His heart sure went out to me. And my daughter. But he knew he couldn't fix whatever was wrong. We fortunately dated from afar-which helped keep things still sparkling on my sane days.
I lost my first job-trying to make money to support my baby and I, on our own. I wanted nothing to do with my ex, who was fortunately for us-stationed in Iraq right after he beat me. Gave me time to get thru it all-drastically. When I hit more depression other than what that was causing in my life-his beating me-I would pop more of my anti-seizure medication to numb that pain. And then it led to whenever I had to deal with my ex-I would pop ridiculous amounts. I had no one near me to talk to. One blasted night I saw this church sign (I go there still!) --my color purple-Cornerstone. I began to go. I went for 4 months without talking to a soul-just trying to get comfortable with it all-and understand it-and feel what others did. I had many nights it threw me into tears. Many nights I went blasted-but still felt "something." Sort of like cleansing me. I finally approached someone to talk about it all-all the Jesus stuff, and all I was going thru. To this day we are friends. Ever so thankful. It was from that day I was fighting to get well....
I had this wretched conversation with my ex, on the 18th of October 2003--all of a sudden he didn't "recall" his beating me October 6, 2002--even with military pics taken.... I blew up. I was hurt.
I "fixed" that the human way-not thru Jesus. I popped every pill and saved up pills for months for a bad day. I was blasted in hours that day-which I should not be here typing anymore--as for how much it was. I was taken to my hospital-where they pumped my stomach-and right before I hit coma-Jesus heard me crying--saying I wanted to change this. Needed His help. And little over 24 hours later-I did wake....which started a whole new outlook and health battle for me... all for His glory.
Many think they accept Jesus and all will be wonderful that day forward. That isn't the case. He molds us. Watches us try more to walk in His footsteps-with stumbles in between. He holds His hand out in every trial-and we have the choice to love Him and take it, or be bitter and turn. And the more I learned to grab His hand-the more I learned that His plans were amazing.
I went thru so many-uncountable medication changes. Seizures. HUGE ones in front of my baby girl, alone. And others for all to see. But the best part is, I grew up strong-knowing that as long as I took it on well, others would too. Never rejected, just cared for. Always a strong girl.
My divorce was taking a long time, because he was overseas and also-God wanted me to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As well as it gave me and my husband now, time to grow together-understand each other, growing with Jesus. And it was amazing. He had to adjust to me not being well, a great portion of the time as we searched for answers. He got to help me with me 2nd brain surgery-as my fiance. Which was a lot for him to take on. He watched my, now our little girl while I was there. 
Thru all the years of battling for answers since 1st brain surgery- we found more and more health issues getting in the way for medication to work. My absorption of many vitamins and iron were almost completely MIA. Which increases seizures and health. I got hit with the height of TMJ-jaw out of place for weeks, the severe RLS-up all night. Which both make it hard --impossible to sleep-which causes seizures. I have one kidney that almost completely doesn't work-reason for pain on certain meds. And I have air in my salivary gland-- which might make you laugh. Then there was great depression at times--where you cry never ending, no reason. And famous severe migraines. But thru all this-I finally figured it out. In 2009, when I hit the hospital hard-hardly able to walk, had to be carried to the bathroom... we looked for MS, cancer etc with my blood work. But that wasn't it. It was lack of Vitamin D and Iron, ferritan level-had injections and that leveled back to normal. My seizures were still there-but I was ever grateful to Jesus it wasn't MS or cancer. I hit my Bible twice as hard and shared it with all. Twittered to the world-reaching out to help others. Took my mind off ME--placed it on Jesus and others. And that whole year, while we waited for a date for third brain surgery, as for my body couldn't take 32 pills anymore-I focused on HIM. And He blessed me in HIS timing... a year later. With a surgery date-- and a successful one!!! One that was done AWAKE!! There for 15 nights... but healed so quick-with so much support here-and from twitter. I thank Jesus so much.
I am now seizure free. I never thought that would be hard. I have to adapt to the fact that I missed out on a lot. I look at pictures from my past at the glitches of time I was temporally well-and thank Jesus for that, yet am sad it wasn't long. My long term memory is so vivid it is all like yesterday-so it is adjustment.
Thru both my husband's trust and mine-we gained so much. An amazing marriage, and Tory is now his. Biologically was born to my ex, but he came in so late in her life, he stepped out. God saw how strong our marriage was, our faith... and still open to my ex-yet He decided what was best. And I received a step out phone call last year as I was waiting on my surgical date. All in a year. AMEN!
The change in all of this is... he has an amazing new step up in a new company for his career. It is located in a city I love, and we both look forward to so much with my family. We will be across this US of A from AZ to PA, Philadelphia!!! And I am thrilled! However it is a weigh and balance or wonderful news, and tough stuff too. At the same time.. I got struck down with a NEW illness. One that doesn't have a name. One that doesn't have a cure yet. Just has a ton of tests, and a billion attempts to lessen the pain. And that is almost impossible. This illness, I will say, has been actually worse than my epilepsy-and I am totally conscience. Perhaps it would be better if I wasn't--that is how excruciating it is. I had a week of big "Where are You-God's" going... and "perhaps He is on vacation with ME's" also.. But I know He is not. I know He has the power to rid of this any time... I just also know He has a reason for everything... and He is holding me tight thru this whole walk. I have my human ups and downs... but He has the LOVE and the ANSWERS.... and blesses me each day.
Fortunately He had my doctors at Mayo prescribe some miracle items-such as the TENS. That device sure does help the nerves feel better-Praise Jesus. I can look back and still see how well taken care of I was-my daughter was by our Lord and Savior, during some rocky times I had. And understand there is always a purpose-and I am just here to share my story and faith. He is never on "vacation...." He is ALWAYS right beside us... with plans, and never-ending love!

God bless you all...

In His Love,

Heather Siebens
@AliveinMe






2 Corinthians 1:6-7 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

Love is amazing

God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are. ~Billy Graham 


I never knew Jesus had all these "plans" for me... as for I never knew about Jesus until I was 19... never accepted Him until I was on deaths door at 26. But it doesn't matter to me what it takes, as long as we get to Him. All is worth it. Sometimes we just have some really drastic stories about our pokes and taps from Him, trying to get our attention.. to love Him back.


Sad part, but also a blessing... is that we can have loved ones-the ones whom we are blessed with, run after us trying to get our attention. They can be so much more drastic and obvious-in our face-more so than God. It can actually be annoying for some, but also is a blessing He created us to be like-so we aren't so dumb-founded on human to human love. He created this amazing other half for me-but how would I know, if one of us wasn't a mouthy one, open, like me? And one wasn't so sweet, loving, complete giver who showered with love, sweet little gifts to show love, even from afar-like my husband Christian. It is sort of like the obvious need, physically, no matter what God said, about the apple. Adam and Eve said a big "Uh uh!! This is our way, we don't hear You out there...." And took what they physically saw-and were drawn to. We now have them to thank for our fashionable clothing....


But without our human gift of open, obvious, face to face love-life would sure be different. He blessed us with the ability to share our love with others, in a way we love to praise Him-express our love to Him thru worship. We can't yet physically touch Him, but He gives us that desire and need with people here--thru love He teaches. And I personally praise Him for that. Love is amazing. And you can't just get it anywhere. You have to start with your heart---filled with His love--so you can really share amazing love with others. And that was the amazing click of my husband and I today.


We were first dating when I was searching for Jesus. But everything was "reformed" when I had finally hit rock bottom. He had seen me at my lowest of lows. He had seen me unable to awaken from bottles of Phenobarbital overdosed, to numb my pain of my last marriage-ex who beat me. I was trying to get thru that myself. When I was finding out slowly-it wasn't for ME to get ME thru. It was for Jesus to get me thru. To give all my worries and cares to Him. His plans will unfold, and comfort will surround me. And as I was learning this--my heart was awakened. And love for all was alive!!! My boyfriend then, husband today, took a new route with me---an amazing route... The Jesus Christ--BEST FRIEND route. And that was when our love for each other just bloomed like no tomorrow-even here in Phoenix, AZ!!!  :) We were living for and thru HIM... not just each other!! Now that is love!


Was amazing to watch Him work thru our living and learning more about Him, together, and each other thru Him. That is what kept us always in love, no matter what. No matter what money issue, which hospital stay, or illness add on. Love thru Christ is amazing. Is an amazing plan HE HAS FOR YOU... we just have to open our hearts up thru Him, to help it happen sooner than later.


Love is more than it ever sounds. Truly a direct gift from Jesus. Easier to love those you see. But when you really get to know Him, and have had amazing love in your life---you understand who it is to love ALWAYS the most, FOREVER. As for He is just going to keep multiplying your love! Here, and there!


Love you all!!


Blessings!
Heather


1 Corinthians 16:13-14  Be on guard. Stand true to what you believe. Be courageous. Be strong. And everything you do must be done with love.