8/11/10

Are We Numbered?


ISAIAH 40:26-31
Look up into the heavens.
      Who created all the stars?
   He brings them out like an army, one after another,
      calling each by its name.
   Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
      not a single one is missing.
    O Jacob, how can you say the L
ord does not see your troubles?
      O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
    Have you never heard?
      Have you never understood?
   The L
ord is the everlasting God,
      the Creator of all the earth.
   He never grows weak or weary.
      No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
    He gives power to the weak
      and strength to the powerless.
    Even youths will become weak and tired,
      and young men will fall in exhaustion.
   But those who trust in the L
ord will find new strength.
      They will soar high on wings like eagles.
   They will run and not grow weary.
      They will walk and not faint.

My mailbox is empty-does that mean I am gone. All my illnesses, one lead to another. With treatments-large ones like 3 brain surgeries led to other types and remedies and so many medications you'd wonder how I am still here now. Does this mailbox mean I am now gone? Does this empty mailbox just mean He has taken me early-maybe earlier than plan? For all my struggles brought on myself, not hearing Jesus for 26 years... while overdosing during the year to find Him? Does He pull time in life back for not being perfect, or not attempting much "good" to fix the larger problems we create?
Does Christ have just chosen ones anyway, that if you aren't on it, no matter how hard you try as a late blooming believer-it would be worthless, you aren't on His chart? Does He have pull backs when after you have become a strong walker with Christ, but had tough times and had a cold heart the "why God" the "how could You" or "I think I have to throw in my towel" ... does God truly shut off your entrance code with just those words
  • Never hearing about Jesus while young-til adult and confused.
  • Family had hurting time as a child, sad, anger, no Jesus either
  • first husband and I eloped-told no one. He also told me nothing of his belief in Christ.
  • He tried to shove this unknown Jesus stuff down my throat-shove harsh--I rejected it BIG.
  • He cheated on me when I began to try a little bit of Jesus. 9 mos of marriage 1st adultery hit.
  • We broke up and made up-moved away over a dozen times in 4 years. One thing that kept us together happily on my end-aggitated on his, was "our" child... now mine--born 4/17/2001
  • When I got pregnant-the night we were planning divorce, it through his other plans out of action. Both our life took a whirlwind-I got sick. I could no longer work. My life was on hold. My seizures were out of control. He was very angry-put his plans out of play.
  • When my child was born he just hated me more, and the surrounding more. When I took Tory on the plane to AZ to be with my family, he did not fight much.
  • He came back when he had to go into the Army to keep my insurance going. Away for bootcamp-with many girls known while I was ill. Stationed in Ft Hood, happily while I raised Tory sick. But He was angry when we showed up after my 1st brain surgery to TX.
  • He didn't think we'd really come. 4th night there-Oct 6th 2002-He beat me. And that was my turn. Starting point for when I know I needed more.
  • I first turned big time to my phenobarbital. Larger and larger quantities. Then on moodiness I took more to "help" it.
  • When I began dating my husband today-we wound up in my bad situations because I always OD'd before he'd come-ease nervousness of this wonderful "too good" of guy, pain of the other.
  • He turned out to be my everything.
  • Tory began to love him as Dad at 2.
  • As I searched for Jesus and dated afar-the OD'ing got out of control-to the point even with all the amazement thru His Word-it took this big KNOCKDOWN in Oct 19, 2003 --that should have taken my life, but He so heard my cry.
  • His heart led to Christian Siebens giving his heart totally to me-me totally to Jesus. As I learned so much from afar from Christian-my level of knowledge was around a 7ish and his was about a 2. He was excited for me, amazed, but deeply kind of embarrassed -which can be a good thing in this topic.
  • And thru all of this, Jesus, learning, Christian's hand, prayer, psychology, church for me weekly, bible study every week when Christian moved down to Phoenix and started going to all with me--and he felt the Holy Spirit after 36 of knowing and mostly going to churches-this was the first time.
  • Before he married me he walked thru more health complications-unbelievable amounts with epilepsy, medication radical side effects, 2nd brain surgery, 1 kidney found to work 80% worse back then (98% now) and dealing with the end of my divorce, my forgiving, and being kind to the man who beat me. But he married me: October 6, 2007 (exactly 5 years after my ex beat me-to make it a blessed day!) Married at our church in Chandler, first one I ever went to-feeling the Holy Spirit-hearing His Word, feeling the power of prayer. What has happened?
  • What amazed me is this::: I was in the ER --and pretty much every one they had they sad were on me. And I went from some ability of verbal skills, to severely dropping quick-thinks started to flash as they began the charcoal down my throat I went into coma for 24 hours-without gag reflex for time after. It was waking up from all of that-all that went on that gave me some personally feeling of fixation of probs by doing this. I had learned this over the year-and I did, I cried out to Jesus when I awakened. Called out to Him to give me another chance-I have to much to live for-too much that are amazing for Him, and I was appointed their mom-Please! Jesus drew me close those 10 days.::I can still call Him Dad--and my Christian my husband! So many amazing answers in life.
  • I was in and out of the hospital from then on. Never what we had always dreamed I turn closer to being. And everything has just worsened, when I thought 2006 was the worse one-or 2008 was the top one...2009...every year was multiple times, not just once. Then 2010 finally rolled around-and I had the team of Twitter and Facebook all over prayer, phone calls, gifts, love, visits... and that love started in my 2009 stay---God bless you all. Praise you God.
So I hate ever complaining to all you amazing people-but you need to know why I am MIA. This time around was different. They aren't positive what the outcome will be-or if in fact it is half illness/half from 3rd brain surgery-but so many things have gone in the air. We have to go to a new clinic near Philadelphia-where we just moved. My family is all my Mayo family in AZ--but we will see what the change will do. 
I had first so many outpatients I can't count that high. I had an outside valley doc tell me multiple illness that he saw-that he needed me to have looked at right away, but 15 miles from Mayo, I wouldn't choose others in the Valley if it would have been a fake diagnosis. But no good determinations from any outpatient testing. Deeper Tests-none again. In-patient for over a week right before I moved so we could see if quick odd tests could show much, if not, they were testing ways to calm my pain-so I could while I was moving and first here in Philly start looking for a neuro an answer from God is this is it-or if this is really just the end... etc...
All of this has sure caused handicap with me-making me feel like a useless, awful parent and wife and sister. But my brother and little girl do so much good for me--and my husband is now learning. It isn't as simple to me -excruciating -never ending, as opposed to my seizures I get, get thru, get over, got on with it. There were tough parts like driving, headaches etc.... but nothing like death that I ever felt would occur, no matter the small statistics. 

The top part really of this illness isn't even telling people about it-or having people ask about it. Tough part is for both my husband and I. I look for some sort of comforting or empathy, and that is far from what is/was there from Him. With Epilepsy, I was able to be more of a take it on myself. Not whine. Don't baby me.BUT This whole body attack is another illness. I can hardly do one simple movement, lift, make meal, dress, take child out for fun, put on my own clothes, awful memory, severe pain so can't get up and down new homes beautiful stairs all over, can't sleep well from pain.... etc etc all in which knock down my psychological standing-feel in need for my AZ psychologist here every hour!!! But it is even harder when the man you married who is your everything, thinks he is doing things right again by just backing off--coming toward me only if he needs or requires something. That worsens it all in my heart. I begin to wonder who I am married to now-who forgot how to be there for me. As he is there for himself and this amazing new workforce. We've been proud for his new job for 5 weeks. But now with as much as this has worsened-he must be scared it will take his dream away. It won't. It may take one-me-so enjoy the lovingly wife while you can..... 
We just had a week of getting thru to each other-how life has changed, and it wasn't changing well in our relationship-love in it was vanishing--changing how we live it, want it, know about each other, conquer it all. Once the big talk my big brother helped us with-my hubby and help from extraordinary friends who care on Facebook-We still love each other more than before. Understanding both sides.
We all have things to change, for ourselves, friends, work, of course our dear spouse---then Finally-Jesus Christ we double check we changed for in the beginning, middle and end. Christ doesn't kill us.. makes us bigger, stronger ready for His time to take us back. Even when we feel so weak-we won't there!
Last.... have you thought about yours? Has Jesus accepted you yet even-to your best of knowledge? If you died tomorrow, would you hit the To Heaven Truck or be left on a very below southern route
Have you ever sat back and watched your own life you live, if played by someone else, NO WAY they could handle it, most demand to change parts. 
Sometimes it is a few bad days-but more awful your attitude or life issue. You overall have a solemn attitude or rude, and  several chunks of tough days, with any ways to make it better on your own, if Jesus especially does no good quick. Is it correct still with Jesus? Or if you also found Him late in life--wouldn't that like minus the correct chunks of tough days allowed once accepted? Jesus is a walking fast calculator!! Or is all of this true... we are allowed to find Him when we do--as He is part of that plan... great portion of tough times are needed to grow closer to needing Him. And we are just to try to keep walking as tight as possible, knowing we will fall--with goal of just becoming more and more like Him.
Then there are the lifetimers with few troubles. Are they really watched over because it is an acceptance way sooner than another-or is that person weaker to share His word thru suffering? 
How hard it is to be like Him. To know His plans. Sometimes it is just easier to not really know which date given, which hospital illness all have said--you just wait for Christ to bring you home--and pray for less suffering. I know I get cranky with Him--but He is still there for me!!! I love you all on Facebook and twitter....and @TroyJensen my big brother taking care of us all.... my daughter Tory....
And never ending love thru it all as we learn.... Christian Siebens @flyingchristian 
On top of all---thank You for holding us all so tight... dear Jesus!!! You ARE our ALL IN ALL! I know you don't count a thing-You keep us on our toes for YOU. You know why illnesses occur and if they can flee. God I pray to You, one of them is me---to keep sharing Your love and Word.


In Your Name Jesus,
Heather




4 comments:

Ernie said...

Hetty,

I think that we are numbered in terms of days, hours, minutes, seconds and miliseconds. But those numbers are known only to God.

I also think that we are called! Called in many senses. First and foremost to Love and worshipGod with all of our heart and mind, and to love our neighbour as our selves.
The greatest commandment given by Jesus.

We are also called to live - to be fully human with all that it entails, which will be joy, happiness, laughter, love, but also sadness, pain and suffering.

In our suffering - Jesus is alongside suffering with us. His own suffering on the cross for our salvation given freely, but not without the call to his father to take the suffering away. Knowing that you suffer in this life is part of life and of being fully human. How it is decided how and why we suffer is I think down to the issue connected with genetics, free will and the diversity of the universe and creation. I have no explanation, just a trust in God that laying suffering with Jesus will bring relief, perhaps not now, but in the next life when "all is made new".

Mankind has the science and medical knowledge to fix much, but there is much we cannot fix, where our knowledge or technology is flawed or incomplete - perhaps a bit like our knowledge the greatness of God - we cannot hope to know all, it is to great and ind-describable in any language we have yet learned.

We were offered a glimpse in the perfect image given by Jesus through the incarnation - and we must trust in Jesus and know that he takes broken and damaged people and heals them and welcomes them back into his flock.

I always picture Jesus perhaps as a big brother who is alongside guiding, correcting, comforting and encouraging us. We rest on him and in him for that spiritual support and love.

I know that you suffer but in reality the only words I can offer are prayer and for you to know there are hundreds of people praying and rooting for you.

Ernest

SwitchingGranny said...

Wow after talking to you today I came to your blog. I love how transparent you are dear sister. You know you've got me & my prayers & friendship everyday. Love you

Clifford Guy said...

Great Testimony and Blog. Keep it up.

God Bless
Cliff
countryvet@hotmail.com

FlyingChristian said...

My love for you is never ending..I am in pain for you. I don't know what to do to make you better...I thought I was doing the right thing, but have learned tha what I was doing was not what you needed. I will strive everyday to be your everything. I do love our new life here and my job..but it is worthless without you and our love. I will do my best to be your man everyday, support you through your pain, hold your hand when you want and above all love you and pray God grants our request for your complete healing.

I admire you and ask that you never lose hope in us. If I am not doing things I need to to support you and make you happy..please tell me. Losing your love is something I don't think I could handle. I need you in my life..yesterday, today and forever.

Your husband and best friend,

Christian