Utter Pains and Blessings

Makes you wonder, which side of the bench YOU are going to be on... and always makes you wonder at times--which one JESUS is on!!!??? Or are you jumping just into a line of a ton of never ending "traffic" ... "issues" ....
We all go thru ebbs and flows... just gosh, at times, seems like the extremities of all hard times are never coming back from drowning sea. And that is how it has been for me, personally-2 mos after my very successful 3rd brain surgery.
1595-William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost, iv 3
As true we are as flesh and blood can be:  The sea will ebb and flow, heaven show his face.
I got boggled down with, yes, the extreme weird foot pain, that over a couple weeks turned into extreme body pain. But then it has turned into extreme body changing pain. Different areas. Quickly in the day, quickly changes place. And it never settles. My brother is able to sit across the room and watch me react, unknowingly, in extreme body movement from extreme body pain. Just jolts. And many tears have flowed. The brain surgeries were so much simpler. Everything in life, which has never been simple as an adult, has been simpler than this. So I sit and ask myself-I ask God... "Seriously, is there a reason... or do You just hate me..." 
Now I know the Truth. I know He loves me. I know without Him, this would have killed me long ago. In reality, I would have killed myself long ago. But He has His plans. It is just so hard to hang on. Another day is out of control. My child is out of school and I am useless-so it feels. My family just doesn't have "me..." And I really don't even want to feel wanted, cause I just don't even feel like ME!!!
But thru all of this, Jesus throw a loop for our family. That still brings joy thru all the pain and tears, and Lord knows my anger. My hubby got such an amazing incline in the work he does, with an amazing company located in a city I have lived before. We are, as a family moving to Philadelphia around the 22nd of July-- if not sooner... along with my amazing brother too--whom does so much for me, my family. So with this amazing news, and start-that has so many Jesus signatures ALL OVER IT... along with my dragging never ending illness-you have to lay back and see that obviously, it is still in His grip-with more molding-IN HIS TIME TO COME. I am praying, and holding on. While thrilled for my husband.
I just try not to com-bust, over the pain, nor the side effects that the medication daily. That has horrific side effects that make my able to use one eye well, forgot myself, forget all my verbal language unless given EXTRA TIME to think, and forget where I am even heading to get something-when I get there.... but I know it has tiny tiny bit of help. Not sure if enough to keep taking it. But when I pull some, the pain comes back twice as bad. Such a give and take. I thought the weight gain in the beginning was bad-that was the joy. I have never been bigger than 110... so this was odd... but I am waiting for it all to be worth every issue it causes.
So I am still hanging on... gripping Jesus tight. I know He blesses me every day-even when I don't show or give love back. SO unconditional...... I will keep moving forward with HIM with all we have to look forward to... in Philly, and one day-with HIM.


In His Love,
Heather



2 Corinthians 1:7
We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.