Dreams

Precious Gift From God-Tory

Life can sure make shifts, as we continue to live it. It is scary when there are days you don't want to live them out anymore, worse, when others have cut their lives short. I've been there. I've been the "suicidal" patient. Yet saved perhaps too many times. But He always has reason. He always works off the bad stuff, to bring us good-sooner or later. Just sometimes that later part can be aching when in distress.

My brain surgeries, over-all just seemed so simple. It is just the aftermath that is the price paid for life. And the lack of knowledge of what per se one brain surgery can do, symptom wise. But two or three-with the 3rd done awake are far fetched to ever have any statistics on outcome, or years to come after. I have been living a battle really since the first one. Now mine-God brought so much wonder and beauty and truth in between it all. So it is almost impossible to regret any of it. There are times I do wonder had I just gotten help and stayed on Phenobarb and one surgery-how crazily different life could be right now. But I was so angry at being addicted to overdosing on Phenobarb on any given bad day of the slightest to the worst-I needed that stuff out of me, which meant more surgery. Through both surgeries I had to go thru to allow me to have more choice of meds-or even medication-less perhaps one day far future-I was never bitter during it all. It took the anguish of the pain of my 3rd one to begin bitterness finally. Ever since that surgery it has been excruciating body pain, leading to memory loss (short term), eye vision complications, disassociation, vertigo, severe depression, forgetting decisions made 30 minutes ago, abnormal seizures, crazy head jolt pains,...

The list just continues and worsens in some areas. And it is like life is out of control-granted it was never in control before. That means on one of these surgeries something truly snapped that made everything in life so much more tough than it was when I was seizing non stop. I was always a go for it girl. Gutsy, fearless. But maybe that was part of my brain's downfall, and took me down with it. So many looked up to me. That I can easily walk in for a half month hospital stay with a grid deep in my brain showing them active areas, and going thru the surgery awake was like me going to a toy store as a child. Picking out what I wanted that would be good for me. Perhaps all this was just side effects of epilepsy and I was paying a price I did not know I owed. And now, as a permanent patient at Mayo with many health issues I never used to have... I am finding out I must have made a wrong choice somewhere. I just never thought I did. Mine were always right. God gave me signs of open doors. Perhaps that is all I wanted to see was the positive signs and maybe there were way more negative ones saying Heather, stick at the 2nd brain surgery-in time you will heal. I just kept pushing for it to flee as quick as possible, to have as much sparing time as a mom possible with the most special, Godly, warm-hearted soul of a gift from God to me--> my daughter Tory. I always wanted to be able to have that healthy mother daughter time with her. And as I sit here, with tears dropping-and look over at her peacefully sleeping in our hotel suite...I feel I have cheated her out of so much. Time with her mom. Time learning mom and daughter stuff. Doing more "together" stuff cause mom is almost always under the weather with one, two, three or more health issues-all triggered by my choice. My decision of every brain surgery. She, through each of them was an angel. Like God spoke directly to her - how to handle mommy and her wrapped painful head. She is one graceful child of God's. She did not get this from me. She has always been such an amazingly, GOOD child since born-angelic like. No rages. Few tears. More comfort to me. God DID hand form her. And especially for all of this. She is full of grace and love. And I look at that asking Him how?? I just wasn't a good teacher. I have barely been around. But this girl still floats thru all my tragedies like an angel. I am gracious to God for her. I don't know what all the stress I am and cause on that precious child-how it will affect her in her latter years. But I do know even I as her mom can look back and learn from her grace at all I still face-and be so grateful to God He chose me for her. And that He chose Christian to be her dad-cause they are just an amazing team. When I am upstairs a lot, when unwell, in bed-I get to hear them working together on the barn for the new horses she is getting. He is a proud dad of all she does do so gracefully-and how much she has to handle without him when I am unwell. Yet he is still a dad that teaches her tactics of how to achieve dreams. And when you do you prepare for the dream in a rational way. He does not spoil without learning involved. Makes dream achievement so much more amazing when searched out, and prepared for by hands-not paying someone to do it all for her. This girl very much deserves her dream-a way to gain peace...living and riding her dream. What a team they are! Blessings to me!

I may sit on the outside of all of this-but I see the beauty from my view-the most important view-the creators view. The one that carried her for 9 months with seizures of mine worsening every couple weeks thru it all. She was worth it all. She helped us get where we are today as a family. Many stories to share as she gets older, till then, I just love watching her grow and be who she is. I try to stay out of everyone's way with all health issues that keep hitting me more every year...but there comes a place and time where all have to be involved whether I like it or not. My families hearts always want to be there- I just want them all to have space as they live their dreams. They are my dream-as they are today, I feel my dream is far accomplished. No one could give me more than I already have. 

As for my art-I enjoy it. It continues. It will never match up to the dream of the husband, father of my daughter-my precious kiddo Tory. Christian and Tory are my life "completers. " They complete me. Thru all my battles-having them near makes the battle feel small. When both are away and I am facing some health issue- it is like my oxygen has been stolen. Without them life is not well, life is not complete. They are what truly matter to keep me going-leaping over every health issue is an ability thru the love God formed in our family. I am forever gracious.

I love you Tory Moriah. Forever.

I love you Christian Charles- and always....

My Man, My Love

Love,

Your loving, unwell mom and wife,

Hetty / Mommy

My Babies from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

My Loss in NY

Picture of my husband and I attempting to see what was or biologically is, still my brother....

(Husband) Christian C Siebens and Me, Heather (Hetty) J Siebens (wife)

You're My Loss in NY Troy

Why do you chose these paths of life?

Living your life full of lies causing strife…

How do you cause such pain so heartless, no care

Are you aware of your actions and think God is not there?

Why do you have new stories every month thru the year?

How do you truly tell them like truth with no care and no fear?

I sure hope you do know every time I have reached  out to you

I do it for the brother I knew, not for the one that lies as you do

I have danced for you bro, fed and kept you sanely alive for years but you ran

You pulled away once again messages start about you going to be THE BIG MAN

All the times you say how much you love me most or others love you more

I have to realize a huge percentage of that is not here in this world behind any door

I have endured three brain surgeries, divorce from a wife beating abuse

Raising my own child while finding God where He blessed me with Truth

I have the calmest and kindest most sweet man anyone could find

One that you had a bit of him before, once were kinda one of his kind

But you let the stress and drugs tear you apart, allowing a silent illness for you to prevail 

None of this should have happened… not one thing you did or you would still be in jail

You pulled so much bad where you did learn some good with us but now its just turning

Your actions don’t make sense and your stories blow up with no truth or reality burning

You really don’t need me you need someone who follows the stories you make and believe

That isn’t for me nor my family at all- we’ve been hurt so much trying to help-help you receive

Receive true love and true jobs, true family; yet rejected we are-we ask you to truly Receive

Look to the sky close your eyes,give God all your issues; He’s the ONLY ONE that won’t deceive 

And now, thru all your years of psychiatric lies, you believe them all and become nothing

As your little sister that hurts, but what you do to me hurts more…I want to remain something

Heather J Siebens

Truth Brother - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Your Years NickyBear...

Your Years Nicky

by Hetty Jensen-Siebens 2014 ©

While you were growing 

Nicky, everything looked so right

Everyone was sharing 

Amazing plans for you each night

You came out as all expected

A gift from God, so perfect, so right

Mommy & Daddy you never rejected

You were full of Jesus' Way, Truth, Light!

But not long into this amazing little life

Came an illness that all thought would clear

No one was ready for traumatic strife

Your precious Mommy steadfast in brain tumor fear

NickyBear so young, not even a year old

In PICU following removal of that tumor

Mom and Dad stayed strong, and did not fold

All of this was truly real, not any form of humor

Nicky you faced so much I cannot compare

And I prayed to take it away

But Jesus is always loving, kind and fair

That is something we hang onto today

Your big brother was your earthly rock

Helped and watched you grow

Loved playing with you up & down your block

Misses you so much, was so hard to let you go 

But your families faith is so real and secure

Which is why you dance in Heaven

Placed there to welcome others, you are so dear 

Your precious body was 4 1/2, didn't even make it to 7

But in reality your faith was so strong

Your love overflowed and fear did not show

You my friend didn't have to live very long

In order for your faith and love to grow

Nicky you are loved today

You are loved tomorrow

You are loved every day on earth

Until you send us a sign that this earth is going to end 

At that moment is some sadness but much more gladness 

Knowing we all can be near you, meet you, be a best friend

And no longer be a part of any sickening madness 

Forever healed.

We love you always thru this....and your amazing family that has touched my life....keep your eyes on them....

Much love from the Siebens!

In His Grip,

Hetty Siebens

Love Alive from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Busy Tough Month

This month has absolutely flown by...no, all of 2014 has. I am still in February in my mind. We were praying so hard for amazing healing for that precious kiddo, little 4 1/2 yr old Nickybear. But God had different plans and needs for him in Heaven. So hard to grip that but you have to - knowing how true our God is, as we watch Him break out miracles in our lives, left and right. But grasping such a young one needing to leave so soon, breaks my heart. It was his brain that started all the issues with cancer. And with me being an adult who makes appointments for brain surgeries to rid my seizures, I sure wish I could have taken it on for him. But, again, that isn't God's plan. And Nicky's family held so strong, so steadfast, faith filled thru it all- they did not waiver. It is like Abraham all over again. And they were blessed with twins last September ...before this all went down hill with Nicky's health. Looks like a God thing to me. They are miracle people... The uncle, Uncle Anthony, or Blue as the kids call him is one in depth, loving Uncle...and amazing brother who held tight thru Christ in all of this, yet let his tears flow for Nicky. Pointed out what Nicky went thru with a vase of all his hospital bands. My heart was moved forever.

So when I heard when the funeral was, and heard Tory, my daughter was going on Spring break with  family friends, I had to ask my husband if he could alter his work schedule to go support this with me. My heart was overwhelmed with this by a precious friend of mine, asking me to share prayers for him- Miss Julie Caudill (who painted the painting above-whale is for Nicky). I had to read his whole battle, their whole battle since 2010, he was 8 mos old. It was heart wrenching. I prayed so hard all over. So my husband, the sweet man I married, altered his schedule, for me, us, and his funeral. We wept so hard. What a wake up call as to what to be thankful for,...even if I am the sick one, I have a precious, well daughter and husband- how much better could it get?

I will continue to send prayers and love to the sweet families...letting them know we are always here for them, in any weather of their life. Bless the George's and Cyr's.

The month was just swallowed. Other than being unwell in the beginning and the funeral...it just vanished. And in a couple days I am off to Phoenix- to Mayo Clinic Hospital for some intense tests. They tell me what I have... And if it is what they think, it cuts my life rather short. But I do believe in Jesus. And His miracles and change in paths when we know what we are praying for and He agrees. I know He has had major plans for me for a long time to still be hear today.... So with that, I hold tight and believe what I have all comes from something different that is dealable. I can handle a lot of health issues... But leaving my precious family soon just breaks my heart. 

So I am praying.

And praising my family is still here.

And praying major healing upon the George's and Cyr's.

May God rain healing upon all! 

Much love, always!

Hetty

Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.  Psalm 124:8

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!! 

1 John 5:14-15 And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL. And if WE KNOW He is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that He will give us what we ask for. 

Remembered forever til we meet in Heaven and you show me around!

Hanging Tight

This has been a real whirlwind couple of months... Now working into just another that doesn't look much more bright and intriguing. But thru tears, I keep hanging tight onto Christ. As for He, in the end of each treacherous day, is the only one who really gets me thru. I have amazing love and support in family and friends. I just know even that wouldn't be enough without our Lord. 

I watch close friends go thru so much anguish in their health, and I just wish, with all I already carry and seem to have more on my plate already, just top it off. I'd much rather a friend be clear of all the horrific illnesses that have entered our world and place them upon me, as for I have so much anyway. And my love for them is extreme. I am a person born with zero anxiety. I walk into brain surgeries, even the awake ones I had done like it is a fun carnival. Thrilled to rid health issues. Fearless to do it. I however have been blessed with such amazing friends up here in MN, and a few I love dearly in my family that have really bad anxiety. It is so hard for me to truly understand, but I have been thru so much in life I can get a glimpse. I think it is my duty, per God to help reach out to all these people, help show them there is so much to life when you take that first step. Put some trust into me, humorous Hetty, and we will have a ball! I'll even show you how I drive really really fast!! ☺️ It's been a goal of mine, at least when God gives me good days when I am feeling better, and more up to it.

But lately, and over the past year and a half, things have gotten a bit darker in my "well" land, and I have weeks that I have the strength to do for all, but recently more has hit my frying pan.

I have horrific tremors that will not stop. This typing is very difficult, and is every day. Everything ai do, has lessened or ceased as for when you tremor really hard, you just can't do anything. I don't just tremor in my hands. It has worsened. As it has done this before on and off and we always blamed my anti seizure meds. We just can't now. There has been 0 changes in years. Not only do I tremor in my hands so bad I can't do anything (humor really to try to watch me button or put on eyeliner) but my legs do when I walk, and my vocal chords when I talk.... And soon my tongue even paralyzes.

So, in tears I called my neuro done in Phoenix at Mayo Clinic Hospital. Instantly with what I described they are setting me up with tests in regards to movement disorders. The one she was talking about that sounded so similar, and perhaps a secondary illness due to my brain surgeries, MSP, Multi System Atrophy.... If that is really the case, once found, you are usually only around another decade or so with fast acting side effects. No cure. I am praying I am just suffering once again from the chaos a very risky anti seizure medication did to me in my past. It was FDA approved in 94, then yanked when within 10 months 10 people died from aplastic anemia, liver damage. I always am anemic, every month since I was on it in 2009- and it knocked me down to 86 lbs in weeks. Unable to eat. I had a very bad count in my blood and kept seizing till we got it in control. 

Meds can be good, they can be horrific. And here we go again. 

With all that....I honestly have not much room to cry. Christ has gotten me over every mountain...thru all the deserts where we never thought I'd return from. And even with so much brain on my dominant side missing, He blessed me with the new gift of art....right now only when He gives me strength and can get thru my tremors. So it may have been a short lived blessing, but He always has more in store for us as we keep seeking His truth and love. Had I never found Him, I would have been dead years ago. He gave me more time here to share His good news...to love my family and friends, and trust His challenges.

Anyone looking for a real challenge ...a wake up call. Go to www.nickeybear.com

This family is holding Christ tight, as He works hard thru His love on precious little Nicky. WhenI read the entire blog that started just after my 3rd awake brain surgery thru now.... I was in tears of sadness, yet joy that this family are all Paul's. They see Jesus' heart thru every step. They see human mistakes but never blame Jesus! They look to Him for comfort and answers and healing! He loves them so much. This family -the George's - are feeling God's pain watching their baby go thru cancer of the brain-after treatments looked great, he was so well....are now watching the treatments attacking his sweet soul. Giving up your baby would be terrifying, and very cold hearted in most cases. But they look to our God for healing....and if not- to take him and his pain and misery away to his creator. Your plans they trust. They have me in awe! And just as God did for Abraham as he took his son Isaac to be sacrificed- as God instructed.... As Abraham followed all directions God told him.... God withdrew the sacrifice directing Abraham not to! That all Abraham's true trust in our Lord, right down to his real son, Abraham's only son...from that day on he was to be blessed -multiply his descendants!  As I look at this family and how this mom pushed thru with such love and grace for Nicky, her whole family- trusting God knows what He is doing- He blessed them with amazing twins last September! Our God is good! This kid has made impacts all around the world thru this amazing mom and dad! He has changed lives, faiths, attitudes. Never to be forgotten. Nicholas and Angelia are very humble loving souls to this world, their family, ultimately Jesus Christ. My heart will never be the same after their impact. Bless you all....and her brother Anthony... You all make a difference! 

As I tie this up... Please say a prayer for my precious friend Nancy Brennan Oliver who just lost her dad in hospice. He was one very very special man. Told my dear friend Tommy Monje everything he needed to know in life. Bless these people Lord. Lift them up and hold them tight. Papa is dancing with Jesus...Godspeed. Love you all! 

In His Love,

Heather

Everything, Faithful, and True from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

2 Peter 3: 8-9

But you must not forget friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about His promise to return, as some people think. No, He is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so He is giving more time for everyone to repent.

1 John 5: 14-15
And we can be confident that He will listen to us whenever we ask Him for anything in HIS WILL. And if WE KNOW He is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that He will give us what we ask for. 

Lamentations 3: 22-24
The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance;therefore, I will hope in Him!" 

Lamentations 3: 31-32
For the LORD does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. 

Christmas at the Siebens 2013

A Whole New Year!!

Honey, I love you so much-but we sure have crazy years

Hard to compare them all when really we should be ready for tomorrow

Last thing I want to do is spend a great percent of my years in tears...

But with your hand Christian you help me see good and not sorrow!

Jesus has a purpose for everything

This I know is true

We live where it snows and could go skiing!

It's just getting me well enough to ever make it thru!

I believe stronger Heather is coming back in some ways as before

Yet I know New Hetty has new focuses and opinions that may shock a ton!

But Hetty is so thrilled to be with you Christian-you're her rock that makes love soar!

With all I put you thru-with pills, needles, blood, no blood

upset doctors, irate nurses, no one understanding what we face together

At times it felt out of control-so I'd pray to Our Lord-"take me out by flood!"

But then I would look into your eyes and this word strikes me for good-FOREVER!

So keep a hold of me always

NEVER let me go

Rivers are raging hard

And this state has endless snow

Without a man like YOU,

I never would have lived

You kept my chin up with things to do

Thru the good and the bad I just wanted to give!

GIVE YOU my LIFE; the LIVING one!

One to learn more about

Then soon knowing US-to become ONE

Thru God I NEVER had one doubt!

We will construct this road Christian

It is YOURS and MINE to CONQUER! 

Let's enjoy each other, go fishing

And keep ME from going BONKERS!!!

Let's keep holding each other tight

as the sun sets each night

There is so much beauty in you and I

not a thing too complicated for us to try!

I Love you endlessly Hotty Hubby Christian,

In His Love and Grip,

Hetty, your blessed wife!

More Then Boyfriend from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Brain Pain

This simple, last procedure turned out to be much more of a nightmare than planned. We knew I had to be in Phoenix roughly 10 days for the staples... but since it has been opened and shut now 7 times, it takes it much longer to heal-I had a two week staple run. It was AGONY! God bless my in laws for housing me and taking me places. But I will say, the house was very very warm-which made it very tough for my incision to heal. It would just swell up when the heat got to it. And pound like no tomorrow. I didn't think my head pain would allow me to tomorrow. All of this agony and it was just taking screws out-not brain this time. Which meant we didn't even crack and remove my skull piece. But it felt the worst of all of them-granted, I just don't have enough skin left for another -barely did for this one.
The swelling has finally begun to go down... so it doesn't feel as oddly shaped as before. With this procedure the neurosurgeon cut the front flap open laying it forward over my eyes-dug out all 4 of my screws and plates (one was still there from 2005) had to cut muscle to reach all of these areas-that is the painful part. But very kind neuro, placed it back nicely and evenly as possible he said  :)
It was pain I didn't expect-and wow was I ever very very cranky from the pain. The moment it would hit me-my mouth would just go. My poor hubby, well for the time he was there. Ah, and then there is the aftermath. The day your wife just doesn't want to get out of bed. Not from pain or illness. Just upset. Will turn to tears when he turns away. Depression kicked in. Every surgery this happens-usually for a month or so, usually due to coming off pain meds and still having some pain. And playing with the noggin can't be blissful for the brain always. I know all the ways to fight depression-have lectured so many on it... but when you are in that rut yourself, it is up to you to take care of it. Living where we live-I reached for a months refill on Prozac for now-unless I snap out of this bit of darkness. I have too much good to let it rule over me.... this surgery was a tough time-taking so long. It took over Thanksgiving, my birthday, and is cramming my Christmas... I think that has a lot to do with my blues. But tomorrow is another day... we will see what that day has in store!

Thru all the pain... and much larger scar (wider) I do feel what I did was very logical... as for I haven't been hit down in ultimate misery from the screws feeling like they were going to explode from my head. So blessed I am indeed. Just was a very rough road!!! One I won't be on ever again!!!! AMEN!

Blessings to you all for such amazing support, prayers, love etc.... I am alive and me and so much better all because of YOU!!! Bless your hearts!!!

In His Grip,

Heather

Deuteronomy 6:5
And you must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.

1 John 4:9
God showed how much HE LOVED US by sending HIS ONLY SON into the world so that we might have eternal life thru Him. This is REAL LOVE. It is not that we LOVED GOD, but that HE LOVED US and sent HIS SON as a sacrifice to take away OUR SINS

Very Thankful from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know how You ever got me into this world
I don't get who was chosen for who
I don't get how You watched over me thru all my years of seizures
I don't get why I was ridden with epilepsy, or how
I don't get why my heart seemed so much more sensitive than parents
I don't get why parents never could show or teach love
I don't get how I could and ran off to marry at 19 to feel some sort love
I don't get why I never could seek You, out of spite toward my ex
I don't get how I flowed in and out of love with many, but returning to my ex
I don't get how while You were showing me "signs" of You, I just couldn't wake up
I don't get how I could roll my tiny Tercel 3 times the freeway, car totaled, and walk away with a faint thanks to "whatever" God, and so upset same time my 10 disc changer was run over by CHP....so selfish
I don't get why my ex and I kept breaking and making up...leading to what we thought was our last break up, in friendship, over dinner with wine...I conceived my, My precious Tory that night
I don't get why my seizures had to go on overdrive, leading to very high toxic prescribed doses of Phenobarbital
I don't get why my ex tried to put any time in, when he was against it all from the start
I don't get how he ever could have wanted an abortion, not see it as a sign from God- Whom he grew up learning about.
I don't get how he was full of rage enough to beat me up two months after 1st brain surgery...
I don't get why I had to keep overdosing to numb my pain
I don't get why I ever had the gut feeling to find You, during my overdosing days
I don't get how You singled me out from my family to be the ONE to search and find You.
I don't get, as I was seeking You, how I could still be loved unconditionally thru all the drama I brought in
I don't get how You heard my cry before the pumping of my stomach and coma hit...and You kept me perfectly well and alive thru You when I woke.
I don't get how many hospitalizations I've been thru ... 3 of them brain surgeries...yet my local parents couldn't come to see me, my dad came about twice in 12 years, over 30 hospitalizations
I don't get how my girl, when she was a baby, she knew exactly how gentle she had to be to me, due to my wrapped head throbbing from first brain surgery, her arms just slowly wrapped around my legs with eyes of love and healing.
I don't get how my parents can just let her out of their ignorant lives.
I don't get how I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me, mostly, beating me
I don't get how WE are the center of our lives
I don't get how I am the chosen one of both sides of the family, to find YOU, and make it known
I don't understand why all sides of my family reject you
I don't get who will ever awaken some one
I don't understand how parents can be so selfish
I don't get how my parents can totally separate from me, so many times, til completely....
I don't get all the struggles they endure and shake their fists for years on end, instead of trying to let You in...
I don't get how I was blessed with the best husband ever, by a past friend a long time before we somehow both knew.
I don't get Kim's accident....it hurts my heart...

But as I say all this in deep down truth and question...I lay it back on Your feet...cause You are our Creator, the One True God, The Alpha and Omega, Spring of Life, Emmanuel, The Holy One, my Best Friend, One and Only One with unconditional love for me, my family, families family and friends, Kim, Troy, my parents.... Everyone suffering knowing and accepting You...and amazing the love and concern You have on those who don't know You still. Isn't a toll to pay for Your Love and concern....but Your accepting us is already done, getting to Heaven we have to know how to truly accept. We may never know exactly Your plans, but we are to pray for You to lead us Your way thru them while our hearts, souls, minds recognize the plans You are placing in our lives, in Your Will. We may not understand tough or tragic times, but we are to take all troubles, fear, suffering etc-and give it all to You to take off us as we remain faithful in You every step. If we ever doubt, You fill us with the Holy Spirit that reminds us of all you did, have done, will do... The only way we are complete is when we surrender ourselves to You, giving up everything You say or bring, pick up our cross and carry it, thrilled to share every part of You, and our lives pertaining to You. You changed me forever, I am every so grateful.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Dear Joseph

This was what my heart had me write for this very special friend to me... and so many others. He takes on trials in life so much more eloquently than he will ever give himself credit for. So I had about 15 minutes for my heart and mind to write what God was guiding me to say... reason it came out good is for HIS glory, and here, Joseph- His dear son, that just needed to hear his blessings he pours out to all others... and for this friend, I am eternally grateful to Jesus for having our social cyberspace cross paths and connect. Connect and learned so much about what each other has endured, is enduring- found out that LoveGrows! :) From the man of LearningGrows-they both do! But we have to have the amazing heart Joseph Gier has in order for our minds to open up to LearningGrows!! He is a live, proven fact.

Bless you Joseph... I pray you like that package of crazy Heather stuff.... but most of all I pray you were touched by this poem... Much love to an amazing brother of mine for life!  :)  And I willingly chose that... which moves my life positively!

Dear Joseph~
LoveGrow
October25th, 2013-eternal  :)

Roads we have chosen are never always perfect.

Some seem so long and endless, others fast and fearless.

Some flat tires come along on our journeys more than once.

Yet at some times we roll our cars just simply heading out to lunch.

Some of us always have a full deck of the perfect cards to win

Others seem like God's against them-we always have to give in

But giving in isn't a criminal act, or any type of wrong doing

As long as we "GIVE IN TO THE RIGHT SOUL" which ends up such a blessing

Cause giving "into" Jesus, is just giving Him our "mess…"

He loves us tons-to take our "hands" and have us suffer less

He needs our hearts and our hope to form His amazing plans

Plans He's had forever for us-plans to prosper not to harm-to take us by our hand

To watch over us at all times, and never take a break

His love and plans are so intense that many think He's fake

But He just wants you to give your heart a shot for His love

As for He's the only God who has room for us in His mansion up above

But it is a mansion for those who have hearts and those who also have tears

Those who stumble and sin and go thru trials that feel like never-ending years

But as our faith grows during the times of our walk-struggles seem less tough

Because Jesus has it all on His back, fighting off the Devil who thinks he is so buff

But I know your heart dear Joseph, it is one very unique from our Creator

You may think your heart is mean and life that is tough now just gets worse later

But just grab onto Christ and a little bit of faith to grow

And you will be amazed where in life He has you go!

To close I just must tell you, I have never felt so blessed

Your kindness in life makes my heart grow outside of my chest

You are one to always want to help and make other people smile

Knowing you thru Christ keeps my faith high, and lessens all tough trials.

Thank you Joseph for being my friend

and sharing you troubles with me

With faith in Christ this package I send

As you trust and set your heart free!!

Many blessings, prayers… and always laughter!!

In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

From my precious family to you... and yours! 

His Love from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Will Life Change

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or not able to live life with until healed either here or in Heaven. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

Will Life Change?

All I can say is, life has been frustrating. You see it and ask God... "why was I born?" You go from this you go to that. All so negative, all so wrong. You run into good just to be hit with bad. It continues for time. Time, time that feels like it will run on and on like a clock that WON'T die. You then look at yourself, in disgrace and remorse and ask "Won't it get better, won't my life change?" You then think it won't. You look down at your feet and you cry like a child, a child that got beat. You THEN contemplate how to DO IT and if you are "STRONG" enough. Strong enough to carry out the "task." The "task" to leave all others and the trials you did not defeat. You don't talk to others about your issues in life. You just judge them yourself and live in "denial." You let the problems get worse, you plan to QUIT life in a while. Now people keep asking what is the matter with me..? Why are they caring now, just let me be!! For I am unworthy for anyone's love, for anyone's trust. I haven't made life change, and a complete change in me is a MUST.

Then this wonderful man had entered my life. He had entered it happily though my life caused so much strife. He stuck with me thru all of my pain. All of my issues that you would think that I was insane! No, this man was so caring, this man was my rock. He caused me to get BETTER, caused OTHERS to TALK!! About how I got better, about how I could smile! They were quite shocked! They had not seen that in a while! I am so worthy thru Christ to be happy in life-for now I know how to be--blessed to be Christian's wife!!! (HAPPY!!)

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or able to live life with. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

I've Been Held Tight from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

The Day That Changed Me

The only reason I am here today... and have the family I love, is because of Jesus Christ. He had His hand on me big time thru so much in my life. And I made it thru this lonely, medication altering day... a LOT of tears... but made it thru alone....just like the good ol' trials days, just my baby Tory and me.

I try to explain my life story to everyone I meet-as for Jesus got me thru it all. So I always want people to know that when they are going thru hard times-or even good times, why they are. It's Jesus' love and protection.

My husband and I chose this date, October 6th-back in 2007, to get married to one and another-as for we knew we would never break.... no matter how hurt or what issues. Reason I chose the 6th of October in 2002 was because that was the date, at 11 pm my ex husband beat me for venting emotions about the move we made to TX, how I missed my family. I was just needing comfort. He didn't want to hear one more word. Mind you this was just 2 months after my 1st brain surgery, so I was doomed to be emotional. My baby Tory was asleep in our new, first night apartment. And as I tried to reach to him for consoling-he more than reached to me with his fists. Mind you-we had NO phone hooked up yet. I had no one there. I was alone on this 4th day in TX. But I was protective of my year and half kiddo... I didn't want to scare her, wake her to his screaming. I was awake all night-my neighbor wouldn't let me use her phone... Army backs each other up... so when that sun rose-I drove my ex to work-as if that was all I was doing. When in fact I was lost on base--but found a pay phone and was bawling my eyes out to an amazing friend, Stauffer (who introduced Christian and I) -for advice. As I was bawling to him, God made His work obvious-to me NOW. God had a Chaplain walking by me while I was bawling-he stopped to ask what he -- what HE could do!!!?? I wasn't a Christian yet and only knew to handle things on my own. But my baby Tory and I just couldn't handle this on our own. So I hung up-and followed the Chaplain.

He was amazing--and told me exactly what to do. He sent me to Social Services to get pictures of my bruises and a low down of all that happened. Then the Social Worker took me and Tory down to the police station for additional pictures. During this, my ex was evicted from our apartment by the military for our safety-til things ever were figured out. But I was having such difficult times figuring any of it out. Why I married him, why we filed for divorce so many times, why we have a kid together, why we ever tried again, but why why why would he beat me? Cause I was always the ruler, the tough one. And I guess that paid the price.

I figured out the why's. Jesus. I found him a year later-while struggling to figure who He was. While numbing, "taking care" of my own pain by popping so many of my prescription pills-Phenobarbital. He watched over me-but really watched over my baby thru everything... while bringing her into my life to find Jesus-spread Jesus. As for had she never been in my life-I just would have exited his life finally, maybe even mine. But I couldn't scare my baby girl.

I thank Him really so much for all that happened. I never would have found her dad that He really had plans for. I never would have found him - my husband as my husband. I never would have been blessed with this Jesus child. I never would have her in my life. I am so gracious.

Trials can be tough- yet such an amazing blessing as we seek Christ and He turns it all into His glory. I am done bawling today. My baby girl and I have had a wonderful night. Even talked about this some. She is one amazing girl-I give all credit to Christ. I am blessed...

I am double blessed with the most amazing husband and father of our child. Without him, I wouldn't be here-and I am not sure where Tory would be. Happy 6th anniversary married-granted over 11 together dear Christian.... we've made it so far happy-this was the date in our choice to marry- the date 11 years ago of my ex who beat me. We are a happy family-you never would think we could be thru such trauma--- that is the working of God.

Bless you all... with all my love!

In His Love,

Heather

Ezekiel 34:22  So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused. I will judge between one animal of the flock, and another.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

My baby girl and me made it thru so much thru Him... the songs aren't Christian - however they are songs that just make sense for what we went thru. My baby is so strong, was so early in her life. The only thing that ever upset her was when this other man legally would drop in once a month and try to pretend to be her "dad" for a while. While all of the brain growth years her daddy was always Christian. Still is-always will be...and blessed to say my ex was logical to sign her completely over to me back in 2009 so Christian could adopt. God works miracles. 

I Still Breathe - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Heaven Gained

The Crew

My precious friend Mary is the beautiful lady in this pick....  with a few of the amazing men from her family... including the one she just lost here on earth.... yet Heaven gained. So hard to look at it all from the flesh that way. But if we get our hearts straight with Christ, as she does more often than I do... she can feel that touch from the Holy Spirit!! Just our flash as humans, as usual sinners question God-our Maker-our Father who loves us always with amazing plans... we question HIM with why's, where's what's so on.... when He really has a really amazing plan laid out thru every step of every life lived here, every life gained by Him. And My Mary knows this.
I also know it was so tough on Mary over the last few years keeping in touch with her brother-they were both dealing with their own illnesses and life struggles... but did stay in touch on the phone as much as they could. But it was very odd.... it was like God was prepping her for this the end of August-cause she called me in tears just so upset how his illness took a turn for the worst... we discussed options of going to see him. But then the day of his departure to Heaven came... and I know she had a battle in her heart over the time lapse. But she is so strong-holding all family together as the youngest she is... and bringing all together for their loss--celebrating his exit of such pain and agony. She sure knows what that is like. But is wanting to hang on as long as Jesus allows-to help more and more see His Truth thru her beautiful way of living thru HIM.
We can find comfort with knowing he is out of these darn earthly bodies-into a heavenly one--along with their parents... right their with Christ!!
She walked into his place and saw the picture up above right away-- the first one God guided her to, letting her know he is okay, loves her-and has for so long!! Fred will have her always framed in his heart!! Awaiting the day she'll be there with him-all the family one day!
Pretty amazing family she came from... many of them. Six kiddos from those two parents in love. It was very hard, she lost her mom when she was 26... and this month was her dad's 7th year of passing... and today, of all days, her brother who passed would have been 58. They are really jamming a celebration in Heaven I say!! But here it is still hard to deal with, right away.
Cancer is very ugly--multiple types is just not fair.... God knew that. I lifted him from despair! Blessed be HIS NAME--AMEN...

I love you Mary.... always... forever....eternity.... you are my hero!

Praying for all of you in your family.....

Love... friend for life...

Heather

1 Corinthians 15:55-57
Where, O death, is your victory..
Where, O death, is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us victory thru our Lord Jesus Christ!

You ARE - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Whose Love Continues So Deep...

My Precious "spiritual Mom" :)

This beautiful lady came into my life... she will never exit it!!! She is with our Lord dancing, singing, praising  of all the beauty He created here-around her family and for her family and friends. I was maybe a small role in her life-but she is one lady who never acted like that. Even with Dementia she somehow NEVER forgot my name-and with the visits I made mind you -they were all as many as possible from out of state. That is a Christ-Like heart connection if you ask me. She knew some of my pain in life-and she wanted to be a mender... as she saw that was how I was for her. I always visited to bring upon happiness and excitement. And she always showed so much more. I am proud to call myself her daughter.... I can feel her smiling in my heart as I type this. He Celebration of life today was more than just a celebration... it brought up all years of amazing moments that many never knew about. From family, friends, neighbors, strangers... she never did one thing but make sure people knew about who brought her here to bring these four amazing kids to her life.... bring her to this world just to enjoy til she moved on to the REAL WORLD of God's Eternal. She made sure all heard about Jesus!!! AMEN!!
I always write poems in tough, blessed, amazing times... she was one of each.... I was blessed to meet so much of her family today... amazing gifts I can call each....
Thank you Libby for being an amazing friend--to bring me in to this moment that is so Godly and touching.

Here is the poem... Libby... I am not connected to all in your family... please forward this to Suzy and Bill!!! And whomever you think would enjoy to keep.....

With much love....

Poem for Miss Barbara T Baker ... my spiritual mother... same first name as my physical mom!!  :)

Whose Love Continues So Deep....

I never thought I’d meet a friend 
Whom I could call my “Mom”
A lady full of beautiful love
So ALIVE FOR ALL with no end

She was always full of Jesus
 Always steadfast, very faithful
 Precious Barbara is now dancing Above
 With Christ who knitted her true soul!

Mom had THE one of a kind personality you see
 Truly full of patience, truth, her love so Devine
 Devine to our Creator Jesus who led her to love me!
I always loved it when she’d say to me “ you are mine!”

She has 4 very amazing creations, 3 I’m meeting this very day
 Mom blessed me with her first-Libby as a friend I am so grateful for!
 She had a lot of character, humor, love and true faith as a Mom I say
 Our outings all together were a blast, faith filled laughter-wanting more!

I saw Barbara’s changes over the coarse of the years
Her faith grew so strong yet her body more delicate and weak
 Even with the illness I had-while visiting her one time in tears
She knew how to set me straight with Christ- saying “continue to seek!”

We would take her to lunch and she’d ask little me to pray
Pray for her mood to be lifted from all anxiety and fear
That was the first time we met, knowing each other would never delay
 Holding hands, closing eyes & praying to our Lord Jesus who is ever so dear!

Jesus so dear to bring her to this world and bless her with such gifts, not strife
She raised them well and brought them joy -as they do to me each day as well!
I was just so blessed to be a small part of her beautiful, intricate life

One amazing woman, my friend who loved me so much one and loved to tell!

So Miss Barbara this is Hetty, I know you see me and can always hear

 I miss you so much, that amazing bond we formed... But I know it never fades
You see me living near your sweet Libby now which put you at peace, no fear
I will keep her laughing as you did mom, knowing you’re less than a blink away

Earth was just a pit stop
A place to learn and have some fun
Up to Heaven is THE REAL THING

 Praising God and being thrilled goes on and on

So everyone pull up the shield of faith

 Knowing you only win thru love

 Miss Baker was that perfect shield

Which is why she is smiling from Above

 I love you mom.... Miss Barbara 

Isaiah 30:21  Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it." 

1 Corinthians 15:55  "Where O death is your victory,  Where O death is your sting?"

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

Romans 8:16-17 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

2 Corinthians 5:6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

John 11:23-26 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?”

1 Corinthians 15:54-57 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

John 10:27-29 “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand.” (Jesus speaking)

Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 14:8 For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.

Revelation 14:13 And I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Blessed indeed,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”

 ”When the time comes for you to die, you need not be afraid, because death cannot separate you from God’s love.” ~ Charles H. Spurgeon

http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe  Heather J Siebens