Dear God

Dear God,

I don't know how You ever got me into this world
I don't get who was chosen for who
I don't get how You watched over me thru all my years of seizures
I don't get why I was ridden with epilepsy, or how
I don't get why my heart seemed so much more sensitive than parents
I don't get why parents never could show or teach love
I don't get how I could and ran off to marry at 19 to feel some sort love
I don't get why I never could seek You, out of spite toward my ex
I don't get how I flowed in and out of love with many, but returning to my ex
I don't get how while You were showing me "signs" of You, I just couldn't wake up
I don't get how I could roll my tiny Tercel 3 times the freeway, car totaled, and walk away with a faint thanks to "whatever" God, and so upset same time my 10 disc changer was run over by CHP....so selfish
I don't get why my ex and I kept breaking and making up...leading to what we thought was our last break up, in friendship, over dinner with wine...I conceived my, My precious Tory that night
I don't get why my seizures had to go on overdrive, leading to very high toxic prescribed doses of Phenobarbital
I don't get why my ex tried to put any time in, when he was against it all from the start
I don't get how he ever could have wanted an abortion, not see it as a sign from God- Whom he grew up learning about.
I don't get how he was full of rage enough to beat me up two months after 1st brain surgery...
I don't get why I had to keep overdosing to numb my pain
I don't get why I ever had the gut feeling to find You, during my overdosing days
I don't get how You singled me out from my family to be the ONE to search and find You.
I don't get, as I was seeking You, how I could still be loved unconditionally thru all the drama I brought in
I don't get how You heard my cry before the pumping of my stomach and coma hit...and You kept me perfectly well and alive thru You when I woke.
I don't get how many hospitalizations I've been thru ... 3 of them brain surgeries...yet my local parents couldn't come to see me, my dad came about twice in 12 years, over 30 hospitalizations
I don't get how my girl, when she was a baby, she knew exactly how gentle she had to be to me, due to my wrapped head throbbing from first brain surgery, her arms just slowly wrapped around my legs with eyes of love and healing.
I don't get how my parents can just let her out of their ignorant lives.
I don't get how I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me, mostly, beating me
I don't get how WE are the center of our lives
I don't get how I am the chosen one of both sides of the family, to find YOU, and make it known
I don't understand why all sides of my family reject you
I don't get who will ever awaken some one
I don't understand how parents can be so selfish
I don't get how my parents can totally separate from me, so many times, til completely....
I don't get all the struggles they endure and shake their fists for years on end, instead of trying to let You in...
I don't get how I was blessed with the best husband ever, by a past friend a long time before we somehow both knew.
I don't get Kim's accident....it hurts my heart...

But as I say all this in deep down truth and question...I lay it back on Your feet...cause You are our Creator, the One True God, The Alpha and Omega, Spring of Life, Emmanuel, The Holy One, my Best Friend, One and Only One with unconditional love for me, my family, families family and friends, Kim, Troy, my parents.... Everyone suffering knowing and accepting You...and amazing the love and concern You have on those who don't know You still. Isn't a toll to pay for Your Love and concern....but Your accepting us is already done, getting to Heaven we have to know how to truly accept. We may never know exactly Your plans, but we are to pray for You to lead us Your way thru them while our hearts, souls, minds recognize the plans You are placing in our lives, in Your Will. We may not understand tough or tragic times, but we are to take all troubles, fear, suffering etc-and give it all to You to take off us as we remain faithful in You every step. If we ever doubt, You fill us with the Holy Spirit that reminds us of all you did, have done, will do... The only way we are complete is when we surrender ourselves to You, giving up everything You say or bring, pick up our cross and carry it, thrilled to share every part of You, and our lives pertaining to You. You changed me forever, I am every so grateful.



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