Giving My "Keys"

If you confirmed with Jesus He had the keys, completely to my life... wouldn't you look at this picture of me and double think all this "trust" stuff?? I sure as heck know I WOULD! Cause whatever the keys are for, is something sad, slow, and dangerous with health and living. But who are we to pick how we want Him to plan our lives? We can pray-and He answers so many, IN HIS WILL. But some just aren't. Or sometimes are, but just temporarily --and that can be discouraging. 

But who are we to plan, who are we to slam our fists and say "NO, this won't happen...." He wants us to be humble, loving, and trusting. In all circumstances-with faith. He wants us to clap our hands and praise Him when well... and when in the at home, in the hospital, ANYWHERE, suffering. Cause we, as sons and daughters of our Lord-we should all know the amazing life we have thru Him now-and the one to come!!! With all He did for us in suffering--and not in a "spoiled" life, but during a very tough life-shows how much endless love He has for us. As He gave His life for us knowing the cost-His body, His life that could have been "fun" but instead was for His Father, for US. How unselfish is that!!!?? Placing all He knew to come, and even totally screw up along their way--but He gave His everything so He could be our SAVIOR. One to reach to always in need-always in tears-in anger and fear-in laughter-most of all----ALWAYS. He is our everything to reach to, cling to, listen to, follow, trust and love always. And when we get off that track, our plans do too. His plans for us-which out-do our plans by everything-are paused, until we look back to Him and get back on His track-GIVE HIM OUR KEYS FOR HIS FULL CONTROL, GUIDANCE---and listen to His answer to our prayers.

His plans outweigh all. So listen for Jesus. Don't listen to others. Open your ears to friends who talk thru His love and guidance, so more will make sense when He gives you His answers!!! Prayer to Him rocks!! And is amazing thru friends who are also tight with Christ. This I know, as I type from Mayo Hospital, flooded with prayers from amazing friends from twitter and Facebook, AZ to PA and all over USA and beyond!!! You all mean so much to me thru Him. I apologize if I have been snappy-- but I hadn't been listening to Jesus closely. Some amazing music by Ed Kowalczyk lifted me off my pity party-had me open my Bible and reach to all of you with such dear prayers. I thank you all...

And Scott Norris ... you know the words you said changed so much of my focus.. God bless you!!

I am re-giving Jesus my Keys to everything--so He, the Head of everything in my life, can show me where we are going!!!! He took my pain and anguish--as He jumped in the drivers seat... WOW!! Praise HIM!

All of you have gifts, and are gifts from Jesus.... God bless you!!!

In His Love,

Heather

1 Peter 4:10

God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

John 16:33

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Utter Pains and Blessings

Makes you wonder, which side of the bench YOU are going to be on... and always makes you wonder at times--which one JESUS is on!!!??? Or are you jumping just into a line of a ton of never ending "traffic" ... "issues" ....
We all go thru ebbs and flows... just gosh, at times, seems like the extremities of all hard times are never coming back from drowning sea. And that is how it has been for me, personally-2 mos after my very successful 3rd brain surgery.
1595-William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost, iv 3
As true we are as flesh and blood can be:  The sea will ebb and flow, heaven show his face.
I got boggled down with, yes, the extreme weird foot pain, that over a couple weeks turned into extreme body pain. But then it has turned into extreme body changing pain. Different areas. Quickly in the day, quickly changes place. And it never settles. My brother is able to sit across the room and watch me react, unknowingly, in extreme body movement from extreme body pain. Just jolts. And many tears have flowed. The brain surgeries were so much simpler. Everything in life, which has never been simple as an adult, has been simpler than this. So I sit and ask myself-I ask God... "Seriously, is there a reason... or do You just hate me..." 
Now I know the Truth. I know He loves me. I know without Him, this would have killed me long ago. In reality, I would have killed myself long ago. But He has His plans. It is just so hard to hang on. Another day is out of control. My child is out of school and I am useless-so it feels. My family just doesn't have "me..." And I really don't even want to feel wanted, cause I just don't even feel like ME!!!
But thru all of this, Jesus throw a loop for our family. That still brings joy thru all the pain and tears, and Lord knows my anger. My hubby got such an amazing incline in the work he does, with an amazing company located in a city I have lived before. We are, as a family moving to Philadelphia around the 22nd of July-- if not sooner... along with my amazing brother too--whom does so much for me, my family. So with this amazing news, and start-that has so many Jesus signatures ALL OVER IT... along with my dragging never ending illness-you have to lay back and see that obviously, it is still in His grip-with more molding-IN HIS TIME TO COME. I am praying, and holding on. While thrilled for my husband.
I just try not to com-bust, over the pain, nor the side effects that the medication daily. That has horrific side effects that make my able to use one eye well, forgot myself, forget all my verbal language unless given EXTRA TIME to think, and forget where I am even heading to get something-when I get there.... but I know it has tiny tiny bit of help. Not sure if enough to keep taking it. But when I pull some, the pain comes back twice as bad. Such a give and take. I thought the weight gain in the beginning was bad-that was the joy. I have never been bigger than 110... so this was odd... but I am waiting for it all to be worth every issue it causes.
So I am still hanging on... gripping Jesus tight. I know He blesses me every day-even when I don't show or give love back. SO unconditional...... I will keep moving forward with HIM with all we have to look forward to... in Philly, and one day-with HIM.


In His Love,
Heather



2 Corinthians 1:7
We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

Re-Reflecting and trying to understand, Part 2

Here to share my story-my faith thru it all....

Do we count the days that are good or bad? Or do we reflect, be thankful and continue on the way God has planned for us? Don't you get stuck in ruts that you look back at what happened, circumstances or what you pulled and kind of get stuck wallowing? Trying to figure it all out? I sure have. For many years. But I also, thankfully with HIS patience have been shown how everything turns out for Good-in His time, with our faith-His Love.
Every one I talk to, wanting to know about my past, my trials, why I have such faith--if they don't know me in person or by picture think I am at least in my 50's. That is because I chose a more complicated road to find Christ. Have had a lot of trials. I was presented all amazing wonder about His truth when I was healthy at 19--but my rocky marriage and pride got in the way. It was MY WAY. That is when Jesus gently started "tapping" me. From flat tires on the way to see wrong men- to rolling my car, but stepping out unharmed. He was honestly holding me tight from destruction of not finding Him one day-by putting a stop to a lot of things. When I just thought it was an irritating day, or some 'idiots" fault for leaving destructive materials in the freeways.
Then after how many break ups of my first marriage and different men during-he blessed me with pregnancy of my beautiful child I have today... while we were out planning divorce. We stuck it out, but it led to destruction-as for no one stepped up to the plate of needing Christ to make it happen. That was greatly needed for care and understanding on both sides-as for my seizures flew out of control and we weren't used to that. And that threw his plans of schooling out of line. Anger built up more. More wrong between us both. Instead of having a hand at all hospitalizations-I had someone with anger. When I was in for my 1st brain surgery in 2002-it looked promising. And it was. Until my baby and I moved to where my husband then was stationed-2 mos after the surgery. We got to Texas-four days after-he beat me...which led to my confusion, tears, and overdosing for my first answer-nearing death several times.
My husband today came into my life even more. He was rather confused. Always thought the times he saw me and I was so high, then crashed for hours was just epilepsy related. He has no background in family of health issues. Led to quite the course of confusion, tears, a break-up, and trying to share and understand. His heart sure went out to me. And my daughter. But he knew he couldn't fix whatever was wrong. We fortunately dated from afar-which helped keep things still sparkling on my sane days.
I lost my first job-trying to make money to support my baby and I, on our own. I wanted nothing to do with my ex, who was fortunately for us-stationed in Iraq right after he beat me. Gave me time to get thru it all-drastically. When I hit more depression other than what that was causing in my life-his beating me-I would pop more of my anti-seizure medication to numb that pain. And then it led to whenever I had to deal with my ex-I would pop ridiculous amounts. I had no one near me to talk to. One blasted night I saw this church sign (I go there still!) --my color purple-Cornerstone. I began to go. I went for 4 months without talking to a soul-just trying to get comfortable with it all-and understand it-and feel what others did. I had many nights it threw me into tears. Many nights I went blasted-but still felt "something." Sort of like cleansing me. I finally approached someone to talk about it all-all the Jesus stuff, and all I was going thru. To this day we are friends. Ever so thankful. It was from that day I was fighting to get well....
I had this wretched conversation with my ex, on the 18th of October 2003--all of a sudden he didn't "recall" his beating me October 6, 2002--even with military pics taken.... I blew up. I was hurt.
I "fixed" that the human way-not thru Jesus. I popped every pill and saved up pills for months for a bad day. I was blasted in hours that day-which I should not be here typing anymore--as for how much it was. I was taken to my hospital-where they pumped my stomach-and right before I hit coma-Jesus heard me crying--saying I wanted to change this. Needed His help. And little over 24 hours later-I did wake....which started a whole new outlook and health battle for me... all for His glory.
Many think they accept Jesus and all will be wonderful that day forward. That isn't the case. He molds us. Watches us try more to walk in His footsteps-with stumbles in between. He holds His hand out in every trial-and we have the choice to love Him and take it, or be bitter and turn. And the more I learned to grab His hand-the more I learned that His plans were amazing.
I went thru so many-uncountable medication changes. Seizures. HUGE ones in front of my baby girl, alone. And others for all to see. But the best part is, I grew up strong-knowing that as long as I took it on well, others would too. Never rejected, just cared for. Always a strong girl.
My divorce was taking a long time, because he was overseas and also-God wanted me to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As well as it gave me and my husband now, time to grow together-understand each other, growing with Jesus. And it was amazing. He had to adjust to me not being well, a great portion of the time as we searched for answers. He got to help me with me 2nd brain surgery-as my fiance. Which was a lot for him to take on. He watched my, now our little girl while I was there. 
Thru all the years of battling for answers since 1st brain surgery- we found more and more health issues getting in the way for medication to work. My absorption of many vitamins and iron were almost completely MIA. Which increases seizures and health. I got hit with the height of TMJ-jaw out of place for weeks, the severe RLS-up all night. Which both make it hard --impossible to sleep-which causes seizures. I have one kidney that almost completely doesn't work-reason for pain on certain meds. And I have air in my salivary gland-- which might make you laugh. Then there was great depression at times--where you cry never ending, no reason. And famous severe migraines. But thru all this-I finally figured it out. In 2009, when I hit the hospital hard-hardly able to walk, had to be carried to the bathroom... we looked for MS, cancer etc with my blood work. But that wasn't it. It was lack of Vitamin D and Iron, ferritan level-had injections and that leveled back to normal. My seizures were still there-but I was ever grateful to Jesus it wasn't MS or cancer. I hit my Bible twice as hard and shared it with all. Twittered to the world-reaching out to help others. Took my mind off ME--placed it on Jesus and others. And that whole year, while we waited for a date for third brain surgery, as for my body couldn't take 32 pills anymore-I focused on HIM. And He blessed me in HIS timing... a year later. With a surgery date-- and a successful one!!! One that was done AWAKE!! There for 15 nights... but healed so quick-with so much support here-and from twitter. I thank Jesus so much.
I am now seizure free. I never thought that would be hard. I have to adapt to the fact that I missed out on a lot. I look at pictures from my past at the glitches of time I was temporally well-and thank Jesus for that, yet am sad it wasn't long. My long term memory is so vivid it is all like yesterday-so it is adjustment.
Thru both my husband's trust and mine-we gained so much. An amazing marriage, and Tory is now his. Biologically was born to my ex, but he came in so late in her life, he stepped out. God saw how strong our marriage was, our faith... and still open to my ex-yet He decided what was best. And I received a step out phone call last year as I was waiting on my surgical date. All in a year. AMEN!
The change in all of this is... he has an amazing new step up in a new company for his career. It is located in a city I love, and we both look forward to so much with my family. We will be across this US of A from AZ to PA, Philadelphia!!! And I am thrilled! However it is a weigh and balance or wonderful news, and tough stuff too. At the same time.. I got struck down with a NEW illness. One that doesn't have a name. One that doesn't have a cure yet. Just has a ton of tests, and a billion attempts to lessen the pain. And that is almost impossible. This illness, I will say, has been actually worse than my epilepsy-and I am totally conscience. Perhaps it would be better if I wasn't--that is how excruciating it is. I had a week of big "Where are You-God's" going... and "perhaps He is on vacation with ME's" also.. But I know He is not. I know He has the power to rid of this any time... I just also know He has a reason for everything... and He is holding me tight thru this whole walk. I have my human ups and downs... but He has the LOVE and the ANSWERS.... and blesses me each day.
Fortunately He had my doctors at Mayo prescribe some miracle items-such as the TENS. That device sure does help the nerves feel better-Praise Jesus. I can look back and still see how well taken care of I was-my daughter was by our Lord and Savior, during some rocky times I had. And understand there is always a purpose-and I am just here to share my story and faith. He is never on "vacation...." He is ALWAYS right beside us... with plans, and never-ending love!

God bless you all...

In His Love,

Heather Siebens
@AliveinMe






2 Corinthians 1:6-7 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.