It is amazing in life, what we have to go thru, how long we have to go thru stuff, in order to see the beauty in simple things. Instead, looking at this photo on one of those bad days, weeks, or months-we may compare it to ourselves as the leaf that has been singled out in a storm... being washed away!! And not seeing the pure beauty it already has, and that God is enhancing even more so thru that day, week and month.
Yes, as many know I have been thru a lot. And the list never seems to end. I've sorta come to terms with that with Jesus. His healings do happen here on earth-but also wait until Heaven for many. I believe for a lot of my health conditions, they will take until Heaven to heal, to keep me in line with Him. To keep me focused on Him as the Main Doc to guide me where to go, what to do. But things do get out of line, when I decide I can do it without Him. Things are a hair short of destructive. And I really don't want to visit that ever again. He has done too much for me to ever pull the upset card on Him. I know we can question... but I know, personally He already knows-so why question? Just trust. I was a late finder and follower of Christ. But found Him in time to save my life.
I've always explained this as quick and as short as possible. I never really want to bore the world with tragedy. But then I ran into and author who proclaimed the need of drama, the real drama in the writing-to get the reader to understand they aren't wasting their time. Well, I told that person, I have had 3 brain surgeries, I can only throw in as much truthful drama in writing as my brain will allow.
I want to start with why I ever began overdosing on my anti seizure medication. It blew me away. I couldn't understand it, really-cause I took it my whole life with never one temptation. But a lot of things changed in my life when I surprisingly got pregnant. It kept me and my ex husband together for a short time, for one. We were a disaster from the moment we eloped. But this little girl in my tummy, to me, was a sign that something was going to be ok. He wanted to abort at first, but then stuck with us.
We moved from California to Alabama, where he could finish his engineer degree. His family was a bit crackers-so we didn't converse to often. My seizures started to go crazy the moment I had become pregnant. His mother sent me to who she said was a well known neurologist there in Tuscaloosa, AL. Well, not sure what well known for. He just kept increasing my dose to cover every seizure I had. He didn't communicate with the OBGYN on what was safe and not safe for the baby inside me. By my 9th month, I had gone from my normal 180 mg's to 990 mg's....
So seizures were very much out of control trying to lower any amount of it. Then he'd change it. Mind you, I am post partum with a very high dose of Phenobarbital still swimming in my system-it depresses you big time... along with who I lived with. But he changed me to a medication that might as well be called Suicidal Ideation .... only many just don't think about it on Keppra, many go thru with it or attempt it big time.
So brilliantly, the neuro saw some psychiatric mood change in 2001 while he changed me onto that awful medication, along with still a high dose of Phenobarbital, and seizures. So he decides to take me off his hands for that time being and have me psychiatrically studied at a psychiatric ward. Splendid!! I never even knew what one was! I found out the very direct, and unpleasant way! Here is your bed, take these pills, you are in High Security-so be good-and there is no silverware...etc. That didn't really matter, as for whatever drug they forced down me knocked me out so hard. I barely woke up in the middle of the night, not truly understanding-like maybe I was watching a movie-but the room-mate I had (didn't even know I had) was secured big time in a straight jacket-and she was screaming at the two VERY LARGE African American gentleman that were trying to get her under control... well, I bet they wished it was me--as I just lifted my head a minute, then boom, zonked right back out.
I remember a lady all dressed up, dancing and talking to herself there. One would run thru naked... one demanded sex.... and so on and on. Things I never encountered like this. Things I didn't have. But they juice you up anyway.
I have little remembrance of how long I was there-I just remember the 72 hour thing kept getting prolonged. But when I did get out, I had never hated a state more than I hated AL even more at that point-and my daughter and I fled to AZ. Gave my husband, from back then, a choice-stay there and part-come back and continue. Took him time, he came out. But he was bitter-angry at me.
I found the hospital and doctors I still see today-that saved me from death-and were also the ones for my 3 brain surgeries. My husband from back then, had to make a choice... continue 3 jobs and school, or back into military to get free school and insurance for my brain surgery... was up to him. He went into the Army. And again was gone.
During that time while he was gone-we tested all the tests needed to map out my first brain surgery. He was busy with some boot camp, and cheating on me, again.
The surgery itself was remarkable. What was remarkable-I did pretty well, and seizure free- yet still didn't know Jesus. I did however buy a cross just prior the surgery. Like God was telling me "a lot was going to hit-so hang onto this-cause soon my child, you'll be hanging onto me!!"
So my neurologist gave me clearance, as much as he didn't recommend it, he knew we wouldn't work. He was right. He allowed me and my baby girl to move to where my husband then, was stationed. Tory was not quite 1 1/2 ... We were there four days, that fourth night, in our new apartment and just got Tory down to sleep. I was kind of down. Missed my city, my family etc. I just wanted a tad bit of comfort. My ex froze-his face full of anger and just announced "he wasn't going to listen to this...I am going to bed..." I cried out asking 'why, what did I do?' He named off a trillion things.... So the Jensen in me, no longer was crying, but was angry-I jumped up and told him to take the couch if he feels I'm that much of a pain... and as I closed the bedroom door-he busted thru it.... threw me down on "our" bed hands around my neck. He kept asking "did you really mean that??" Over and over.... And "You did this to us..." My thoughts of what he even was saying were blank---his hands were around my throat!! Then it began-- with one fist in the air.... then to another... kept striking me, anywhere my arms weren't held down by him. His anger had him very strong that night. And my surgery, sadness of the move had me very vulnerable.... I tried to show my true colors for a change, true feelings-and I was attacked all over and bruised. All I could think as a mom, was to keep quiet, so Tory wouldn't wake to his psychotic change-I would fix this... he won't be here when you get up... is what I kept thinking.
And that is what happened.
Tory and I had a late night together-took MY car for a drive, as he had NONE. Social Services on the base took care of my safety 100% God intervened there. I still didn't know Jesus yet... but in a few months from this point, all of this made my life turn completely for His glory in a radical, near death way.... and I am still here to tell.
I praise Jesus for every breath He gives me-cause with every breath comes a miracle somewhere! He is amazing... blessed beyond blessings I was able to find and accept Him..... even when I was blasted-overdosed to numb pain.... and later--in my next blog, explain how He saved me from suicide... epilepsy meds are not fun when very depressed from actions like domestic violence. It is hard just on the normal body. But just after brain surgery and on depressive medication... it makes the situation very tough to get thru, without a set back. And mine was overdosing....
Bless you all..... life can seem so dramatic.... but thru every storm is a rainbow...and a cloud with a silver lining!! Keep your eyes and ears mind, heart, soul--open for HIM!!!
Much love to all....
In His Love,
This picture was the morning my memory was slipping fast-back in Sept of 2012-- I wound up having zero memory of any words except my husband.... and was paralyzed for 4 hours from tongue to toes--didn't get any memory back for 4 days.... this story is a few pages away... but is beautiful how Jesus worked thru it!!! AMEN!!
Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the Way, walk in it."
True Love's the gift which God has given To man alone beneath the Heaven It is the Secret Sympathy, The silver link, the silken tie, Which Heart to heart, and mind to mind, In body and in soul can bind. ~Sir Walter Scott
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. - Peter Ustinov
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
To Love Someone is to see a miracle invisible to others. - Francois Mauriac
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is LOVE. -Sophocles
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. ~Ursula Le Guin
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it. - Song of Solomon 8:7
"All people will know that you are My followers if you LOVE each other."
Video with music in relation to above Blog-what I was going thru.... Bless you all!!! Amazing what God waits on--so long for us to find Him, when really He IS so obvious!!
Waited on that Line - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.
Blogged by Heather Siebens