Singled Out? Not so Single Now... cont....

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If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late-could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past? Donate every dime you had? Would you call those friends you've never seen? Reminisce old memories? Would you forgive your enemies?  ~Nickelback 

Well in the picture above, I definitely couldn't live out my day until it's very last.... but it sure felt like the end was near by. I placed that picture up there to continue where I left off on my last post. What my ex's beating me caused my brain to remember that would "numb" the pain. And this picture, was the closest I have to any from back then. I was very very alone on that scary loop I was caught in. When I would reach out to certain people to help, they were "logically" people who didn't know me that well. So I could come right back to them and tell them that they no longer had to control the medication bottle- I was "all right now." Year of 2003 it wasn't until near death in the very end that I was well.

So after the discord of the Army pulling my ex out of our apartment in TX, and me having all the pictures done on base and at the police station... I chose to no longer try to mend things by "talking" with the Chaplin-as for he was never honest with one word. So they had high security on him, and only allowed him to see us if he had a superior officer come with. He came once, and only paid attention to me. That right there just showed me the lack of love and care he had for our child. It was like she was a vapor.
My heart always tried to make the best of things. I always tried to do the best I could for people. But when I get hurt-I get angry, but I get emotional, that makes me so upset cause I hate tears. I didn't come from a family that allowed them. And I still didn't know prayer. I just had that gold cross on me--I would touch and talk to daily-not sure it ever made sense. But this was the time overdosing started. As for my parents always just want everything OK-no bad news. They would not accept my story as reality. So it got to the point I would just say "yah ok my--he is just long gone away, and never here..." She knew though-just wanted it fixed.
Well, it wasn't going to be fixed. You know I had the attitude you can be obnoxious and throw things, cheat on me, heck, back before Tory it wouldn't have been as upsetting if he beat me then, cause it was prior 1st brain surgery and I was a very strong woman-inside and out. But you dare include the feeling of the vulnerable child with your emotions-then I get upset. My problem there was I had zero support. I had long distance phone calls-and God bless I had who was like Uncle and Aunt to me-grew up as best friend to my mom and dad back in OH, they lived 40 minutes away from me. I drove there every week. And they could see a difference in me each time, as for I began taking more and more Phenobarbital to numb the pain. When in fact I could have helped numb it more if I listened to happy music-no not me. When really down, I make sure the music goes down with me.
Cutting story short-they were the ones to see how overdosed I was one night. Insisted I sleep at their home...I tried but when you take a lot, it winds you up at first. So I waved good-bye to his sweet daughter and said to tell him I am "all better..." I went straight to Jack in the Box, got a Large Dr Pepper, hit the 35 freeway North with my one Matchbox 20 song that came out that November song #7 - Hand Me Down.... instantly I started to bawl and popped every Phenobarbital I had left-with seven dropping. As I approached my exit for home--I knew if I didn't enter an ER, I wouldn't enter my home again. Gratefully, I called when I was back into the world again-my friend's house I just left-he and my parents just walked in with my daughter-and we were all flying back to Phoenix. Trust was there. Help was coming. How I'd ever get thru it all on my own, I didn't know, didn't care. I'd take it day by day....
I got my own apartment there in Chandler AZ... I slept on the living room floor with one lamp, no shade, a pillow and a blanket. My daughter, of course, I gave her the large bedroom-her crib, flood of toys, and clothes. This is the beginning of 2003-beginning of a new life... I thought...
I was higher than a kite most days--trying to get thru the "why's"..... but confusion always hit me harder. I had begun to see a very dear friend, that I met a year prior-right before my 1st brain surgery. I was introduced to him by a gentleman I considered my uncle. I met this man, this "uncle" back in 1998 at the hotel I worked at in Newport Beach. He loved my service, how I took care of his companies needs for rooms-and I was amazed by his story of his family of four kids, happy marriage. We always remained in contact thru out my crazy marriage years-and got me to this. The man he introduced me to a year ago-June 2002 I just knew from "someone" something would go down bad with my ex and I... and be replaced by this man in grace, in faith.
And that was the kick. I met my husband a year prior knowing we'd really date. I met him during such tough times. But God knew we'd both help pull each other out of ashes-and as we grew close in faith, dating far, then close-He would be blessing us big time.
My husband had to watch me go thru so much that a normal other half doesn't. I overdosed so many times. One time he was here and I was out could over 24 hours, and he had to take care of little not quite 2 yr old Tory. She was such a mommy's girl...so she was very distraught I was not getting up. But he worked wonders. At the same time-placed some distance between us to think about it all. Cause he loved so much of me, yet had to see the part that I was still fighting to get well, figure out.
We had a lot of fun, long distant talks-and e-mails were hilarious!! Have them all still. Gratefully, he did not have to be a part of any of the very large overdoses that put me into Mayo Hospital-where my neurologist fought from every corner for me!! Had a bad one in June, July--- the July one followed a huge grand map seizure I had trying to switch medications. I was reading to Tory with her on my lap. 6:30 pm I convulsed big time, and hit my head on the tile and was out for 3 1/2 hours. I woke up to Tory screeching, pointing at me, unable to cry tears she'd cried so long--saying MaMa, MaMa.... over and over. And when you wake up from those doozies--it takes a bit to get your words straight. I saw I heaved all over our carpet. I held her, comforted her, til I could sing as best I could with my ripped mouth-- our song from The Calling....  "Wherever You Will Go..." "Could it be any Harder" .....
As I was holding her, I had been listening to all the sermons at the church I found and decided to go to every Sunday-and chose a dear friend, Karen to talk to.... so my Bible had markings believe it or not..... So I called my Mom and Dad...to come get us... as I waited, I held Tory tight and opened my Bible on my own for the 1st time and read:

Romans 4:20-22
Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised. And because of Abraham's faith, God declared him to be righteous. 

That was one of my first big steps into starting a relationship with Jesus. My hubby today, Christian, had also bought me a CD of Christian music. Now, I would normally be rocking loud to it-and feel something somehow-when I was blasted on Phenobarbital. But usually went back to my down music, on non-high days.
After that July Hospitalization for overdosing, I was really fed up. We couldn't find a medication to give me that would control my seizures-so we started giving me bi-weekly prescriptions. Even tried having my parents dish it out when I drove over there each day. But no one would notice, I would just slip them in my purse, or pocket. Half of me was not taking them, cause I hated them. But if I hated them so bad, why would I store them? I was just waiting for that "rainy" day. A few months later, it struck hard. So hard, I can honestly say, every ER person was amazed when they found out I lived thru it all-their numbers and actions were saying death is near-and ICU wasn't much better. There was a battle going on--and me sitting here still typing can say, Jesus won. That was a very special month, and date for the rest of my life. October 19, 2003. All over a fight on the phone with my ex in Iraq who decided to then, a year later, personally deny he ever beat me. I popped an uncountable, stored for months amount of Phenobarbital- past 9000 mg. But Him hearing me cry out His name, He knew He had me on His side-Jesus scored! But how does He save cardiac arrest, coma's... make sure the charcoal stomach pumping is on time??? He is our One True God--He can do anything.... this I know.
That hospitalization was long-but my attitude was so uplifting and different. My friend, one that I chose to make came to visit almost every day--she had the Pastor come to pray. This was when life began to change. He was preparing me for major seizures, as for that 1 brain surgery was not enough, without Phenobarbital. I had two more brain surgeries to go thru. The 2nd one was a breeze and helped a lot-yet still just not enough. The 3rd brain surgery led to a lot of despair, troubles, marital discord-on my end more, overly medicated in Philly, and me trying to turn away from God--as I thought He really gave up on me....
Never believe those thoughts--lies from the devil. It was 2 1/2 tortuous years thinking that off and more on.... and 3 years of severe pain....Interesting conclusion how I climbed out of that pit of despair.... next blog....
Bless you all!!!

Thank you for reading....come to me with any need or loss of hope... we'll get you back on the right path-HIS Path!

In His Love,



Hebrews 10:35-36
Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.

Master Surgeon from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.


Donna Marie said...

Love you for sharing and be brutally honest! God Bless you Heather.

Heather Siebens said...

Bless your precious heart!!! I am always very transparent.... just is hard to type that way.. with as much as you have to type to be transparent!!!! I could type the rest of my life-goodness!! Much love, many prayers your way!!!

Christian Siebens said...

That picture brings back such sadness for me. I did not know what to do to help. I am soooo thankful god helped us make it thru those times and is leading us in the right direction..both for you physically and for me mentally. I know we were both at the end of our rope and words cannot express how grateful I am that we never let go of the rope and that we are climbing it together hand over fist...The Journey is sometimes a challenge..but the view gets better and better as we continue to climb. XOX

Paulbuchanan7 said...

Well said Christian !