Stay away from the love of money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,
"I will never fail you.
I will never forsake you."
That is why we can say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper,
so I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?"
And my personal favorite to continue to look back at, throughout all tough times, when you may think He has gone on a long vacation from you;
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever!
When I was released from the hospital from the near death huge overdose-attempt in suicide. Truly thinking that if I exited, everything would just somehow be better for my precious child. I had to go back to my apartment and see things that I did barely recall buying that day-when I was blasted, out at the mall with my friend. And bought things twice-to try to keep my child entertained-and thinking that way, I would somehow keep my blasted eyes on her. I am very grateful I was at the mall with a friend and his kid-cause if I wasn't, I never would have called my neurologist ...and wouldn't be typing right now. At my apartment I just say so many things I had no recollection of even buying. And that point of overdosing never hit me before. I fell into so many tears. My mother was with me. She said to just grab what I needed, what Tory needed and let's go stay with her and dad for a few nights. And I did. And that helped. For the next three years, I'd get very depressed on the 6th of October, and the 19th. The date my ex beat me and that huge overdose. Years of counseling slowly started to get me to see thru the cracks.
Thru the years to come, I had gone thru my 2nd brain surgery like it was having a tonsillectomy. My fiancé then, husband today, Christian Siebens was so nervous. Still didn't understand how I could be so excited to go have my brain cut open-and cut out. That surgery took care of a lot of issues. God rid of weird auras I would get- certain smells would throw me into seizures. At certain times, certain music would. It was cut out. I was free from that. But just a couple days before my post operative appointment, I had a generalized seizure. Something wasn't taken out. Still. But my faith was still strong. I could feel God moving everything-His timing, His way. Hold on.
Christian and I kept learning so much about one another. The best part was, I was learning how to be more loving and kind thru him. He loves the world. I always did too. But there was someone in particular I wasn't over yet. So he took care of the once a month visits my ex had for Tory. I couldn't look at him yet.
More Bible study we had-more conviction. 1 Corinthians was hard on my whole life span with my ex. The cheating, the beating. We both were not innocent creatures in our marriage. I just wasn't ready for the "Jesus" stuff he thru in my face. Not long after this Bible study, at church during Worship-I felt the Holy Spirit big time-telling me to forgive my ex for all he put me and Tory thru--and to ask forgiveness as well, as for I wasn't a walk in the park. That changed the whole scenario. We were able to be "friends" and deal with the divorce.
Seizures were always happening, in between all of this. A huge one hit hard beginning of 2007... I had been on a very strong medication-the only one that was working for my seizures; however a very body sickening drug. It tore my weight from 120 to 89 pounds in very little time. Then it started to eat at every nutrient inside my system. I have trouble soaking several up anyway-and this medication ate it up. So I was hardly able to walk, make sense, and had a huge grand mal seizure. They searched for MS and cancer everywhere-that is what it only looked like it could be. No. It was the start of Aplastic Anemia-my white blood count was a tad off, my vitamin D was at 2 instead of 40, and B12 was below 100 as opposed to 300. It was eating me alive. And my husband was putting together everything for our wedding, as for it was just a few months away-and here I am, sick, as always.
So we pleaded, just this once, to get thru the wedding, please allow Christian to hold onto my Phenobarbital-prescribe that and he'll control it-so I can get down the aisle. We did it that way. And it worked. It worked longer than we thought. But when major stress hit, and your husband forgets to hide it and it is right in front of you--it's all over again.... so we relived and re-learned. Again. The mind is a very amazing part of the body. Addicted to nothing, but on a bad day, Phenobarbital. Just go figure.
So 3rd brain surgery was now up. I had tests to go thru. So Miss Hetty4Christ -->AliveinMe was on fire all over Twitter and Facebook--sure, very transparent-many videos on YouTube--but I was out there for prayers for other people. Helped me keep my seizures at bay--my mind off my issues.
And I met so many amazing souls. From east to west I can't even begin to explain the pouring out prayers when the date was set. People on twitter were like a Big Family. The summer before my surgery my daughter was basically abducted by my ex and his new wife. 9 days I was unable to speak to her-that was illegal in our papers. When he got her back here-and was away for a couple weeks-it was like God was preparing our family to be whole finally. My ex called wanting to sign her over to me and Christian, now that he is married-and hadn't really spent time with Tory. He could see in Tory's eyes-Christian would always be dad. He wanted to move on, in everyone's best interest. I never could have asked Jesus for more....
My date for surgery was shortly after Christmas..... it was a tough Christmas, I lost a very close friend whom I visited often-whom was stricken with very tough, debilitating diseases. It was like God was preparing me for what pain was to come. To try to remember Jason Mitchener, his amazing attitude-even while paralyzed, on a ventilator.
My 3rd brain surgery was announced to me 7 hours prior to it, in the hospital that I would have it done awake. He repeated himself 3 times-I was elated. I had been in there for 12 nights with in depth electrodes to help show them where the seizures are, and ability to turn the parts they want to take out, off to see if it would effect language, sight, hearing, etc... That is exactly what they continued to do in the OR-with me awake. I do recall my body feeling a strange sense of pain at one point, but I would never open my mouth to that. I only open my mouth to BIG things like when I began to lose sight!! But because I didn't say a thing about the pain in my body... we can look back and say that in the areas we were snipping, most likely was from snipping a part that controls pain/comfort of the body from the brain.... and my mouth was too quiet to say a thing.
Healing afterward seemed ok--eyes were a bit off for a while... but nothing big until ...pain in my left foot began.... then my leg, then the other side---then my whole body....it hurt so bad I didn't know how to explain, but to cry. And we were set up to move to Philly.....
I thought maybe, with the small patch they put on me in the hospital (they checked me for everything!!) and the TENS unit, I would be ok. But being in the cold made it worse. Trying to find a doctor for it in Philadelphia was zero fun. We found a very nice man, but he was a Philly man. Overmedicated. That is that state. I was on so much I am not sure how I even spoke. Seizures came back, as for especially pain medication will set them off. My husband was traveling so much with his new job, or in the city, while I suffered. It wasn't like "us." But he had to impress this new job he had. It was very poor timing. So I wasn't understand God's purpose. It never seemed how much I prayed... nothing would get better-it only got worse. I felt like a terrible mother. My brother was great help, when he was there and his addictions didn't get in the way. But he needed what I took. I had to carry my medications around the house in my purse-or I wouldn't have any. Seemed like the whole world was crashing on me. I just secluded myself. My parents never called anyway-they hate stress. I just began making necklaces...
Then, I didn't see it as much as a gift from God. My dominant side of my brain, was the left, the surgical side. Because so much was taken out-a lot of my right took over-and new talents took over, and well old ones vanished. I am definitely not organized anymore. But the artistic talent I found all began with me making necklaces to get my mind off the pain....
After over two years of trauma there--I cried in deep discussion with my husband to get me back to Phoenix. I need our Church, my doctors, our family, friends, support...weather here--to try to get out of this pain. Even a few weeks would be nice. He agreed. We'd been thru too much together. Too many hospital visits. ER's.
God kept trying to knock on my door, in all different little ways. I just didn't feel like answering yet. We spent a few weeks in Palm Desert, Puerto Rico, San Diego... got some sun in me!! I was still adjusting anti seizure medications-as for I had a big one when I got here. But when I also got here, I decided I wanted the high dose of that pain patch gone-and all the pain meds--until we can see what else to do. The brain HAS to heal... that is all I could think to myself.
I went thru changing of muscle relaxants to help the pain on bad days. Two didn't work, we wen't to #3. Instantly I was looney. It made my brain seem out of this world. They warned Christian that it does that at first, then calms down... that morning my brain was already missing words-or not understanding them. That evening I was woken up from passed out on the ground after being taken from my girlfriends truck. I was so confused-I couldn't stand up and all I could say was "Christian." He loved that I do know....
I couldn't use any words but my husbands name-no word made sense-no object looked familiar or had a name other than Christian. It was so scary. And my body was "on fire" I wanted to come out of my skin....
Then at 3 am, my husband finally asleep on the cot behind me-ICU people in their office-but couldn't hear me, as for I went to say something, but all dropped, paralyzed from tongue to toes. For 4 hours. It took 4 days to get words to make sense again... basically saying it was a mini stroke....
That partially woke me up. The Devil was pushing.
I had to go thru medication changes for pain, and seizures. And I deal with anemia big time. And severe pain hits every woman cycle. But for now, it is gone.
Reason why....I really began opening my Bible again. I talked with a gentleman on Facebook who faces cancer so hard. And he sounded so much like me when all I dealt with was epilepsy and brain surgery.... but when pain set in... I got very bitter. I forgot about all my friend Jason went thru. Then this new friend told me his testimony--and I was knocked down to my knees, humbled. So gracias to God he handles it the way he handles it.....
We only have one life to live. And I have my days I pout. But I would much rather be here, keep fighting the good fight--sharing His Good News... that I would, be sulking, or shaking my fists or worse than those--going thru with suicide. These lives were planned beautifully by our Maker... no matter how bumpy, they aren't to compare-they are to live out for Him, in respect, honor, for others-to also see and live for His Glory!!
I love each of you and Praise God I am still here to say that.... no matter if a good day of health, or not so good day.... each day is precious-and I am in it for some purpose!
Blessings to each of you, in all you do!
In His Love,
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
That is why we NEVER give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever!
Sometimes People Change - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.