3/21/12

ALIVE

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After this last brain surgery, and the city we were living in that worsened my illness the 3rd brain surgery caused... I never thought I would be anywhere close to being "ME" again.
The reason we choose BIG choices in life, that can have risks yet benefits, is to better one-self for not just themselves, but everyone in the family and around them. That was my hearts pure innocent choice in major prayers across our world for my 3rd brain surgery. I met people who came to pray prior, during, after- whom I never think I would have met, had it not been for this tragedy, continual tragedy for over two years. I am just beginning to cry tears (while thinking about so much and holding so many tears of joy, and past tragedy) as I am beginning to heal, see some of past Heather come back to LIFE, and see so much of a NEW Heather that has learned so much about life, love, tragedy, friends, family, life-when you really feel it is ending; but in fact, it is just the start of learning what God has in store for you to use with all the trials and tragedies that you DID live thru, even though you swore it was the end, that day, the next day- but no matter what, how you felt was dead already-so if someone was really looking for your death day, you could just tell them to choose between when all began and then because that was how I was. I was just dead. I had days I would seep up from my drowning, and try to be a branch of that Heather that used to be existing before that 3rd, AWAKE, last brain surgery took most of who Heather was-AWAY.
But during my extreme pain and suffering that was so severe, I really wondered if somewhere, during their cutting out amazing pieces of my dominant side of my brain, did they just get closer to future cancer? Talk about extreme pain-because with all the extreme pain medications that ONLY SEVERE CASES can be prescribed; and sadly no matter how high the highest doses and higher just to try to capture a day of comfort for me, would never be anywhere close to being "me." It would be whomever those extreme doses of dangerously STRONG PAIN medications made me. My mood was altered into a very introverted soul, angry, and unable to reach for a hand of love, from my precious hubby who did his all in all possible for this monster created. My poor brother-lived in every room I was in, just to make sure I was still breathing, alive, and if he could, make me laugh!!! I had a very large guard up around me. The brain surgery already caused so much severe body pain from my feet to my neck-so all guards up on being hurt emotionally anymore than having had to move all the way from AZ to PA.
It is amazing, as we decided to move back to AZ, to reach back to my great docs I have out here, reach out for warm weather to help lesson the pain. To reach out for our Church, our faith-filled friends, and all our family out here. It took about a week for my body to be able to tell a difference. After that warm weather set in; along with church, family and friends, my body was able to truly function again. Go out a whole day with a friend and our kids, and not be down for 10 days after. A bit tired after, but I have been doing a lot of walks to bring my strength ALIVE again!!!! Made me so joyful that I can walk for 3 miles again and not be down 3 weeks from just 30 feet, crying and screeching thru each wake up the meds would allow.
I slept a lot of Philly away. And that is sad. There is so much beauty there. I saw some of it. But my hubby is taking me back for a week to re-see everything I may have not REALLY in my heart snapped a beautiful photo, and placed it in my heart in a positive way to remember it by, not only some negative that illness may cause. So, we will again have more photos of Philly-but ones I really want and need in my heart, mind, soul in Christ's positive gift He has given me out here in AZ... and that is HEALING. And Healing with all my family, friends, docs, my life history that will close another chapter, soon, in such a positive way as I move onto a new step in my life.
I love How Christ works.... no notes written, sent to us with direct explanation on what His plans are, and how they will be altering our lives. No, He just KNOWS that as FOLLOWERS of CHRIST, thru all the attached time He had to add in, due to our free will and stubbornness; We WILL GRAB ONTO HIM-knowing He is WHY we are here, how we have such an awesome family, and how, thru all the muck, He still has amazing MORE plans as we grab onto Him during our storm!! And that is what I did. Watching every other illness enter on top of excruciating pain... it just really looked like the end-but He had that silver lining, SOMEWHERE!!
It was just the end to a very tragic multiple trials to me, and my family. We all go thru these... but never compare what Christ went thru for us. And that would be my constant reminder on my "stay afloat" days. He will walk over to me, on that raging water I am trying to stay afloat in-take me by shoulders, throwing me over the shoulders of His own as He carries me thru my storms. His whispers during them, when your focus is still on Him, and not a mess from what illness and Satan can do-His words are deep, amazing, comforting; all in ways that no one else can provide except Christ. He is filled with AMAZING WORDS and LOVE and ACTION in our lives when we continually seek Him, and look to Him every day as for what He has in store for us to do for Him.
I know I will lay my life for Christ.... And fills me up to say- YOUR Will Christ, Your Way-OUR WAY!!!  I belong to YOU yesterday, today, tomorrow, forevermore.... I belong to You Jesus-there is NO life APART from YOU..... only YOU revive me!!! I may not have a million US dollars... but I have YOU! YOU are the treasure I could never afford, yet You gave Yourself to me!!! Only YOU can truly satisfy....with out You, our water will never do a thing for us, with out you! But with YOU Our Well will never run dry... You will quench our thirst by Your Words!!
Had I kept gripping all this during my HUGE TRIAL, so much easier. But human Heather had to take the dry spell long walk.....and suffer to figure it all out. Thank You Jesus for all Your healing and help thru it all. You are a gift to me, I am striving to be a gift back. Cause my love for You Jesus, has grown beyond what I ever thought several months back. My love is to not ever just be between us, or us and family; it will always continue to grow-sharing my love for YOU will grow now, no longer my pain.... and I am so excited to start this journey with You sweet Jesus. I Love you, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever and beyond when we are face to face! For that day is exciting!! Til then... continual healing, and praising to YOU!!!
I love You Christ Jesus, with my whole heart, mind, soul.... (it still thinks!!!)
Praise Be to You, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!!
In Your Name I Cry for our Love Always & Forever-to spread across to others near and far, sharing our Love!!
I Cry for joy in all thru Christ,
Heather J Siebens
True Love's the gift which God has given To man alone beneath the Heaven It is the Secret Sympathy, The silver link, the silken tie, Which Heart to heart, and mind to mind, In body and in soul can bind.   -Sir Walter Scott
Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. - Peter Ustinov
Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.  
-Robert Heinline
To Love Someone is to see a miracle invisible to others.  - Francois Mauriac
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is LOVE. -Sophocles
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.  - Ursula Le Guin
Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.  - Song of Solomon 8:7
"All people will know that you are My followers if you LOVE each other."  
-John 13:35


God works wonders-and ever since we have moved out and away from such cold--it is helping me heal from such sever pain following my 3rd brain surgery--the cold weather just really added to it. Back to our homes, friends, all we know--such as our vacation place in Palm Desert!!!










1 comment:

UKViewer said...

Hetty,

It's great to see you blogging again. I didn't know that you have gone back to AZ as your facebook presence has been muted recently.

It's really good to see you making process and being healed. Getting back your old self, which was such an inspiration for so many.

God heals, but we help him by loving him and seeking his grace.