7/9/11

Gives and Takes away



He gives and takes away...
Jesus. My Best Friend.
He gives and takes away. How can that be one of my most awesome, loved songs... yet the lyrics are so brutal in certain ways. They have more than grabbed my heart and drenched it. Yet we cry those tears of love to Christ to "He gives and takes away..." He knows what we are to have and when--or what to go thru--I will never question that.
Now on a normal day, normal street, normal humans-we wouldn't look at it that way. Whomever gave us something amazing-then snatched it--we would be ANGRY!!! We might have hatred. We might not talk to for a while or so. But this is Jesus. His choices are right. His are clear to Him. His make our life an amazing one to keep living for Him, with His purpose. But it still hurts.
I had to deal with my 2nd surgery hurting my heart due to large seizure just prior 7 weeks and check up appointment with my neurosurgeon. And this song grabbing me both emotionally and with comfort. Letting me know that Jesus had  more plans after that 2nd brain surgery-and I just had to hold on and trust Him.
Did that hold back tears. No. But I had the comfort of Him talking to me, perfect timing, letting me know His plans still were to come.
I went thru years of suffering, seizures, medication illnesses, etc for my 3rd brain surgery to arrive in February of 2010. I was so excited. So thankful.
After the amazing awake brain surgery I was "well" and healing for two months from the pain. Once that pain left-I was ready to rumble. Be more than who I was over a decade ago.
I started working-out. It only took 2 weeks for it to crash my body limb by limb. Starting with the foot. Worked its way up to my neck-including my fingers as I type. Everything killed me and nothing with any appointment made sense or got better. I am still waiting for it to flee-or answers.
John Hopkins wasn't one thrilled to take my case now that we moved to Philly, away from my docs at Mayo in Phoenix. So we just were left in a limp serch on our own--having private neuros send me to Jefferson Hospital, and one private pain specialist is holding my case until SOMEONE takes it on--as for it is just unexplainable, unless I were God. I have additional body faults one by one quickly since that surgery. From the extreme pain all over to muscle jolts, and wonderful loss of memory and language in speaking. 
Most of all I was angry at God. I have never understood why He would keep one, who has been a good kid, decent adult, then when found Him, pretty darn on fire for Christ--enabled, unwell. How long does He plan to keep me down and why?
He has a reason for everything. And in time, we will see it unfold. Perhaps some of it---or again maybe some won't see til time is in Heaven with our Lord.
I have been able to slowly, painfully walk thru all of this. Causing blow up arguments we never have with my husband who now travels so much. I wasn't able to be home, on my own with Tory. I could hardly get a glass of water for myself--many times I couldn't. But there were several business trips he wasn't able to find anyone to come out, on our money, to help. And my heart would turn cold and feel beaten up--as for once again he leaves me stranded, in excruciating pain as he goes plays with the business guys. Raw deal. I think my heart was hurting--and shut off for understanding any other side of the story.
I found that Jesus was using my love for Him to totally change one of the most special people in my life--who was wrongly accused and put in jail. Not only the jail here in Philly that took him in for Denver, no, they made him take that atrocious van cuffed ride--10 days all over the nation--little food, little urine stops. But he had a choice--to keep the Jesus he found in jail, in focus--knowing that still is in plan---or to throw a tantrum, shake his fist at our Lord. My brother chose the first. AMEN. And on the tough ride kept peoples spirits up. He is now here again in our home-with so much faith and love of our Lord--after 8 years of my relationship with Christ, praying one day he'd see Him clearly too.
So this is where the strange blessings can come from our suffering--my severe pain. And as it continues, I pray it does more good for our Lord again, somehow, in any way Lord---just lead me!!!!

I may not be the work out queen anymore... but I sure know how to share His love--and the obvious touches of His hand for healing after those three brain surgeries. With Him--He carries us and holds us tight!!!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 
We are pressed on every side by troubled, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Thru suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

Heather


No comments: