7/3/14

Increase of Wrong Medication

Mine: Phenobarbital

For the life of me 
I can not remember 
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I can not believe we'd ever die 
For these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt-stricken, sobbin'
With his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he said

Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

This song used to be just so "cool" to me back in 1997- in Orange County, CA. I was so young-19. Naive. Yet the song stuck with me for years. I loved it for it's beat and coolness back then, but when things got tough and seizures worsened...when the seizures worsened, changed, and after 1st brain surgery even more so-I was addicted to music. In a way I could read in my life what they were saying. May have even been kicked more in action to read, understand lyrics after my ex husband beat me. Made it an amazing gift thru all the tough stuff. 
I later went thru having listened and read music so much come before my 2nd brain surgery that if I had auras they were huge-and usually seizures. Usually had to turn off the music I loved. Gratefully following my 2nd brain surgery, that went away- and even my 3rd-it is such a very  very rarity. Blessed I am there. I can look back at this song and see it had part of my future in it. Perhaps that is why I was led to it and loved it. Same as a couple addictive movies "When a Man Loves a Woman", "28 Days", "Girl, interrupted" .... But after I went thru my huge addiction in 2003, I questioned why ever did I turn to this song, these movies-and many more of them.....? All I know is God always has plans for us- even if He knows He has to go around barrels, He will to get us to where He is desiring us to be.
So was this past weekend His goal for me? No. Does He allow temptation -? Yes.... He knows His power-your heart, and how the two can come back to trust all over again and extreme love placing you on the path HE WANTS-HAS PLANNED and DESIRED... and in comparison, I bet you are-or if you compare my life styles, I bet you are happy I chose again His path, His Way. Letting go of the extra Primidone so I don't get extreme depression and the Phenobarbital doesn't fly up where higher than a kite. If I am on the 2/ 250mg's I am ok-those for seizures. We upped it March by additional 250 to rid of my tremors. I would rather shake than risk my life. Life is too good. Too short.
It was an amazing stay at the Mayo Psychiatric Hospital. Doctor was very confused why I was there, guessing because I don't take psych meds. But this place is unlike all other psych hospitals out there. They care. They work for your life. They lift. They treat everyone like a "normal" soul who just went thru a lot and teach in an uplifting way how to cope. So, if you ever need it, that is where to go. Amazing souls there.
Amazing when that medication begins to come out of me, I am back happy me. And I am very blessed to have such blessed friends- Scotty, Amanda, Libby, and Joseph. God's gift's to me. And my family is a gift I can never explain nor give an amount for-worth too much in my life to lose.
So oddly, off the high dose I can giggle at my history of the part of the song I placed above by The Verve Pipe. I honestly could post hundreds of songs that mean so much to me in tough times and amazing times. So to God I am very grateful I no longer get seizures with music. If you do, look into medication, then if not, brain surgery. 
The only tough part of all of this was how it would make me hit the floor -that was when I called Libby cause my poor hubby sleeps so deep he had no idea. She put him in action.. and I am still here to tell. 
See my neurologist in 20 days-we'll see what come of my medication. I'd like all the primidone gone. But even after 3 brain surgeries my seizures are complicated- we'll see, I pray.
Remember WE ALL GO THRU SO MUCH, SOMETHING BIG-and we need Jesus for it. Both nothing is worse than another one's issues, just God knows our push points-and that is ok, and amazing! Most of the time we can't trade issues with others-He knows what ones to allow in our life to help strengthen our faith. And He doesn't make mistakes!
Bless you all!!!!

James 4:7
Humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.  Draw close to God and God will draw close to you. 


1 comment:

FlyingChristian said...

Let's try this again baby! I love your absolute ability to be transparent. You know that God uses you to reach others thru your pain and issues because by your transparency you give others hope. Thank you for being willing to reach out and change those things which negatively affect your life. I am proud you persevere and continue to try to make each med change work.. Stay grounded in Jesus. He does have your best on the horizon. I am sorry you have to struggle and I'm sorry I cannot meet your needs all the time. But never lose faith or hope. Tory and I and many others need you and love you for the woman, Mom and wife you are. Stay focused on others and your life will be blessed. XOX