Will Life Change

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or not able to live life with until healed either here or in Heaven. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

Will Life Change?

All I can say is, life has been frustrating. You see it and ask God... "why was I born?" You go from this you go to that. All so negative, all so wrong. You run into good just to be hit with bad. It continues for time. Time, time that feels like it will run on and on like a clock that WON'T die. You then look at yourself, in disgrace and remorse and ask "Won't it get better, won't my life change?" You then think it won't. You look down at your feet and you cry like a child, a child that got beat. You THEN contemplate how to DO IT and if you are "STRONG" enough. Strong enough to carry out the "task." The "task" to leave all others and the trials you did not defeat. You don't talk to others about your issues in life. You just judge them yourself and live in "denial." You let the problems get worse, you plan to QUIT life in a while. Now people keep asking what is the matter with me..? Why are they caring now, just let me be!! For I am unworthy for anyone's love, for anyone's trust. I haven't made life change, and a complete change in me is a MUST.

Then this wonderful man had entered my life. He had entered it happily though my life caused so much strife. He stuck with me thru all of my pain. All of my issues that you would think that I was insane! No, this man was so caring, this man was my rock. He caused me to get BETTER, caused OTHERS to TALK!! About how I got better, about how I could smile! They were quite shocked! They had not seen that in a while! I am so worthy thru Christ to be happy in life-for now I know how to be--blessed to be Christian's wife!!! (HAPPY!!)

I have to look up on my old Windows when I wrote this poem- guessing 3/04 .... following my huge overdose-yet Christian Siebens still loved me, wanted me, wanted to make me well... and we moved on... more illnesses unwanted, 2 more brain surgeries-one done awake and that caused 3 years of severe pain of the body.... but he walked with me thru it all, along with my baby girl from the get-go... I am so blessed. Don't ever quit. Don't think what you have is incurable or able to live life with. Thru Christ, and family and friends love-life is beautiful.... we are blessed!! 

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

I've Been Held Tight from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

The Day That Changed Me

The only reason I am here today... and have the family I love, is because of Jesus Christ. He had His hand on me big time thru so much in my life. And I made it thru this lonely, medication altering day... a LOT of tears... but made it thru alone....just like the good ol' trials days, just my baby Tory and me.

I try to explain my life story to everyone I meet-as for Jesus got me thru it all. So I always want people to know that when they are going thru hard times-or even good times, why they are. It's Jesus' love and protection.

My husband and I chose this date, October 6th-back in 2007, to get married to one and another-as for we knew we would never break.... no matter how hurt or what issues. Reason I chose the 6th of October in 2002 was because that was the date, at 11 pm my ex husband beat me for venting emotions about the move we made to TX, how I missed my family. I was just needing comfort. He didn't want to hear one more word. Mind you this was just 2 months after my 1st brain surgery, so I was doomed to be emotional. My baby Tory was asleep in our new, first night apartment. And as I tried to reach to him for consoling-he more than reached to me with his fists. Mind you-we had NO phone hooked up yet. I had no one there. I was alone on this 4th day in TX. But I was protective of my year and half kiddo... I didn't want to scare her, wake her to his screaming. I was awake all night-my neighbor wouldn't let me use her phone... Army backs each other up... so when that sun rose-I drove my ex to work-as if that was all I was doing. When in fact I was lost on base--but found a pay phone and was bawling my eyes out to an amazing friend, Stauffer (who introduced Christian and I) -for advice. As I was bawling to him, God made His work obvious-to me NOW. God had a Chaplain walking by me while I was bawling-he stopped to ask what he -- what HE could do!!!?? I wasn't a Christian yet and only knew to handle things on my own. But my baby Tory and I just couldn't handle this on our own. So I hung up-and followed the Chaplain.

He was amazing--and told me exactly what to do. He sent me to Social Services to get pictures of my bruises and a low down of all that happened. Then the Social Worker took me and Tory down to the police station for additional pictures. During this, my ex was evicted from our apartment by the military for our safety-til things ever were figured out. But I was having such difficult times figuring any of it out. Why I married him, why we filed for divorce so many times, why we have a kid together, why we ever tried again, but why why why would he beat me? Cause I was always the ruler, the tough one. And I guess that paid the price.

I figured out the why's. Jesus. I found him a year later-while struggling to figure who He was. While numbing, "taking care" of my own pain by popping so many of my prescription pills-Phenobarbital. He watched over me-but really watched over my baby thru everything... while bringing her into my life to find Jesus-spread Jesus. As for had she never been in my life-I just would have exited his life finally, maybe even mine. But I couldn't scare my baby girl.

I thank Him really so much for all that happened. I never would have found her dad that He really had plans for. I never would have found him - my husband as my husband. I never would have been blessed with this Jesus child. I never would have her in my life. I am so gracious.

Trials can be tough- yet such an amazing blessing as we seek Christ and He turns it all into His glory. I am done bawling today. My baby girl and I have had a wonderful night. Even talked about this some. She is one amazing girl-I give all credit to Christ. I am blessed...

I am double blessed with the most amazing husband and father of our child. Without him, I wouldn't be here-and I am not sure where Tory would be. Happy 6th anniversary married-granted over 11 together dear Christian.... we've made it so far happy-this was the date in our choice to marry- the date 11 years ago of my ex who beat me. We are a happy family-you never would think we could be thru such trauma--- that is the working of God.

Bless you all... with all my love!

In His Love,

Heather

Ezekiel 34:22  So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused. I will judge between one animal of the flock, and another.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

My baby girl and me made it thru so much thru Him... the songs aren't Christian - however they are songs that just make sense for what we went thru. My baby is so strong, was so early in her life. The only thing that ever upset her was when this other man legally would drop in once a month and try to pretend to be her "dad" for a while. While all of the brain growth years her daddy was always Christian. Still is-always will be...and blessed to say my ex was logical to sign her completely over to me back in 2009 so Christian could adopt. God works miracles. 

I Still Breathe - Medium from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.