Severe Pain Brings Blessings

Third Brain Surgery Beginning-deep electrodes

How awesome is our God? How Mighty and Strong thru all of our trials-knowing each step we have to take--and yet to come...

We sit and groan thinking it is the worst pain or issue ever-when in fact, give it time--He will prove your strength-only thru your trust and faith in Him, as you hang on to even more rougher roads to come--you never thought YOU could handle.

I am one very fortunate person. He blessed me with not faith as a child or young adult, just fearlessness. Trust in parents. That later when I found Him at 26--became a HUGE understanding of Faith and His hands tight on me---even when I didn't know it.

I am one very blessed lady to have found Him in timing for 3 brain surgeries--for me to pray years upon them.... thru them, and the seizures and testing between the years of each of them--trying to seek His purpose behind the continuance. Today was my one year anniversary of the beginning of my 3rd brain surgery---that led to so much. It was miraculous. So many praying from East to West on twitter and FB--people I knew closely, others not. But I am a very open person about all my testimonies---praying to reach out to at least one lost person to come to Christ---then as many as Jesus blesses to. My mouth will talk all about my walk. And this 3rd surgery had so many positives that I dance up a storm about it. But not long after, it also had a huge crash--so there were tons of AMENS....then came a billion tears.

On the first of February---as the date is today, now a year ago--they first placed the in depth electrodes deep in my brain to read all seizure activity all over-to see how much to cut, where, what parts can't be taken out due to verbal, eyesight, etc. And they did testing with those deep in my brain for days-checking to see how it changes. It just was amazing. The pain let up a bit on the 2nd night-so the 3rd morning I was there-I was able to move more, talk, etc. So I broke out my lap top for the next nine nights leading up to my 3rd brain surgery to come----which the most radical part of this brain surgery out of all 3 was this one was done AWAKE!!!! So I could assist the docs in what was being affected!!!! Was so awesome--bit painful last 20 minutes....but every ache was worth that ability to tell them where to go-so you aren't blind. It's being part doctor!!!! Was fabulous thru our Lord to have that happen for me!!

I had such close connections thru phone, text, gifts, in person, internet--etc....prayer warriors!!! Christ made this surgery almost pain free!!! Afterward you usually pound for weeks--I did not. I smiled big thru the working of our Lord.

Now not everything lasts the way we want it to-so we sure are to take in those great moments and treasure them! As for I had a whole whirlwind ahead---pain-ALL OVER my body began when I began functioning-about 2 weeks of wellness then the body severely crashed for almost a year now.

For the most part, I am seizure free. Unless my medication is increased for the brain to control the sensing of pain. Then I have a few doozies. If I wasn't on that though-that surgery was a miracle--very seizure free otherwise.

I had time during the pain of the body after surgery---that I grew so bitter. No answers. I was mad!! And thought God just had it in for me. But after a month or so just offline--doing projects--I felt Him with His arms around me--assure me in saying--That there is much more to come--it wasn't all about me, the pain and suffering--to get my eyes off that and back onto Him, family, friends I love. And once I did---pain calmed--with me able to walk more!!!! Making gifts for others. Sharing fun times with friends near and far. He made a lot of good come out of pain---and with that--the pain sure has eased---as I focus on Him, and dear friends instead.

That February was an amazing time of my life. Changed it for the better. And this February is thanking all there last for joining in prayer---it has carried on throughout the year!!!!!!! God bless you all for seeing me thru this---I may have quite a bit less brain, but enough to know our Lord and Savior is so True and amazing---and how blessed I am with each of you as family and friends that carried me thru!!

God bless you all....today-tomorrow-----forever!!

In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

I have hair!!!!

Psalm 115:1

Not to us, O Lord, not to us,

but to your name goes all the glory

for your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Never too Late

We used to live in AZ-I was there for a couple years longer than my husband. It is where so much good and amazing happened, while I was fighting off the bad. I had my year of overdosing being very tough to ever get up-and make it thru the day. But I had my precious baby-and knew there were plans.
I fortunately found Jesus-my faith grew when I found Him and grew with Him, side by side--even when I was bawling but gripping Him tight.
Not long after my handsome, and most amazing soul for a man, husband, follower of Christ moved to Chandler--knowing that we WOULD be ONE once some of the issues were taken care of, in HIS timing.
Arizona was amazing for us... we had a bunch of different challenges, mountains to climb over, and deserts to cross abroad....
but anytime we we ever EVER thought we were not going to make it--we knew to check ourselves, and each other. Were we still going to church, Bible study, sharing His word daily? Were we still praying, and listening to His music? Or were we falling back a bit on everything--in addition to some irritation with our Lord and Savior, Creator and Best Friend--Jesus Christ? When my health would take a whopper that made zero sense--there were only SO MANY months I could go, without the human side of me--my flesh that cared less about faith to explode. Give Him the cold shoulder like I would handle it all myself.
Well none of us can. And I am far from some special being that can. Heck I am a late finder of Christ--late surrenderer... but one, when I did-I knew there was no turning back. He had saved my wrekless life too many times, I needed to use my hands, feet, heart, body, soul-For HIM, not me.
And that was taught really well. We finally reached the point of all finished by us what was laid there by Him for us to encounter-it was His time for us to move on in growth to another city and STATE. Which was just an amazing location--Philadelphia is where Christ called my husband with such awesome faith--to grow with it, and helping others to grow in theirs. His boss-new, just net for the interview was thrilled in all testimony talks he had of his own and me to us, it had him so excited and open-just what he was looking for -for the exact job my hubby was. I was thrilled with the location--I lived where we'd gotten the house we loved in Downingtown,  PA- when I was 17. All was just too perfect financially, location, faith and personality of who he'd work for. It was too perfect--
I fell into pieces not long after. Moves I guess can be tough--I have done it so much. But not with my little girl at this age, nor me unwell in several areas. One in particular that just was killing me--was the whole severe body pain---and 3 stories to this house. All found the beauty and all---but I saw the dark. I was angry and hard hearted for the severity of my pain--for over half a year. My husband was gone so much. But when he was here--he was the better husband he ever was--and I just wouldn't see it. I just felt the pain, and uncaring.  When there isn't any man that can meet standards much like my hubby-I should have been grateful and as humble and loving back--but not only was the pain pulling me out of my faith--not searching hard and finding the right church added right to it. I wouldn't even watch my churches sermons on line. I just curled up mad at the world--and on the way to dying in my heart.
I pulled away from Faccebook/twitter land---and shut the world out. But thru it all--I was helping the most precious family member of mine, and didn't even know it. Which led to him becoming more the new him--on well steps, and steps of faith thru Jesus. And that is where my heart turned. My husband was one reaching out to me--as I reached out to my brother. I knew the difference to make my personal help better and quicker is thru faith thru our Creator. Not just good words-and definately not medication in that situation. So my busy before Bible became my best friend in books again--as Jesus I called to wipe away my bitterness. He showed me easily thru my over expectations. I ranted and raved about my 3rd brain surgery dare rid seizures, but cause such awful pain that life isn't worth it. He showed me worse--He allowed that to come in, so what used to be a tender, loving head--became one judgmental. I had awful seizures hitting, IN ADDITION to severe, awful pain in every joint, every hour--that the walker didn't even help. I just laid on our couch for months-unable to hardle sip some water.
But even though the pain is still there, my heart and faith is back to battle it trying to control me. I am too young to "be dead" in my years. I may not be able to run fast, nor ride the horse with my kiddo--but my past sorrow butt can watch her--as she smiles so big knowing I have many years to come with her-all glory, praise and honor to our Lord, Savior, Best Friend---Jesus Christ.
We all have our fallbacks. That was my first harsh one that scared me. I won't let this pain take over His plans. You all are too precious to me--and I want to meet you all in months and years to come!! Keep your faith shining, thru every ache and pain. He loves you more than you can imagine!!
Love to you all!!


The Glory of God Forever!!


Heather (Hetty) Siebens

http://www.twitter.com/AliveinMe
http://www.Facebook.com/AliveinMe
http://hiswill4me.blogspot.com/
http://heather4christ.blogspot.com/
hcbenz777@gmail.com
hetty4jesus@yahoo.com
lastbrainsurgery@aol.com

Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.

Hebrews 4:14-16   So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. ¹⁵ This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.


My "Baby girl" Tory Moriah Siebens



So Young She Saved Me

Tory & Mommy

Only way I was able to raise Tory on my own for years, and have intense PTSD, was all because of Jesus whom I didn't know yet then... but was beginning to. It didn't take the tempting of the Devil--it took close to death to awaken me to His love, life here, plans, and trust. I was giving in to Satan, but Christ had too many plans for Tory, Christian and I to let me throw them away.
He could have kept beating me so hard I wouldn't be here....
I could have kept up on all my pill overdosing with no care, that I wouldn't be here....
I couldn't have had such an amazing angel child that almost guided me at 2 what to do!!!
She keeps me alive....with my faith, my love, my health.... Love to my Tory who made miracles happen.... my ex sign away. 

Here is a a quick video to let you know a small point of my Oct 19th masquerade ....

This one was all about me, as for I was still searching and had no clue life was about someone amazing! It takes these BIG hits, sometimes, continual...sometimes bigger to awaken to why He formed you, with plans before you were even in your mother's womb. This is the moment we have seek Him to get thru our "but's, and how dare they's, or why's or when is..?" We seek Him once we get the glimpse, cause I can -He IS THE ANSWER. And He will hold your hand thru every winding road yet to come.

He will lift you high-thru all your trials.... walk you thru all the desert roads. But soon He will be holding your hand tight, up high, on the mountain of God. Smiling what He has ALWAYS gotten you thru.

God bless each of you, know He is holding you tight every step, leap, and/or moan....

He is teaching us so much, we are just to open up our hearts and souls for Him!

In His Love,

Heather

In Comparison

Isn't everything compared these days? The house. Yes, what area do you live in, and then, making sure it is the top area that you also have one of the top three models of homes located in the perfect area of a street where you will have perfect view, and little sound. RIght? That always happens. Then the car. If you don't have the top notch, from out of this country car of course... you make sure it is somehow permanently at the car detail, or just people always miss you pull in and out of the garage. Cause that is just another "LOVE" of America today. Then it drops down to smaller but must haves best name brand clothes, huge gaudy jewelry even at a young age, and real Rolex and Gucci watches--PLEASE before fourteen years old.

Do I really mean all of that up there? No. But the fact is most of America and further on do. To the point that we lose love for what and who we she have all our hearts given to. I can type this all with knowledge as for MOST of what I typed above was from my childhood. We lived in a family, that yes, loved us completely. But as they grew more and more greens, the more and more they showed it was by sharing it openly. Then when marriage issues came about, to help coddle us was to give, give and give. Or was that to buy us in case of divorce? Either way it wasn't true heart.

If we want to use the true heart, we have to push that money aside, take our watches off, open our hearts and talk. Have time with family, kids, husbands, wives. Or you have to envision a very silent household having nothing much to talk about accept bills, or "and honey, did you take the trash out." Ultimately, money became each persons "friend" or "lover" ..one that took place of ever needing one to talk with or have common with. As for now everything one was dreaming about is already there, handed over on even a non special day. Not having to work for it, or wait for a special occasion. Then what will ever satisfy more if always been given, over given, literally needs no more? If a child their attitudes are usually molded thru this. And if you can't, as a parent give more-scary part is...they will usually look older and elsewhere for who can. If it is adult to adult (married couple) it is the usual-if the one providing all of this, which isn't looked at it like providing any longer--but as "wha't deserved and expected." That person doesn't wait patiently and kindly, they usually have high pitched, negative, tear apart "their right" fight, leading to quick negative choices, thoughtless behavior looking beyond all consequences. And pick up suitcases, and usually have #1 back up relationship with similar cash in take. #2 have lawyer papers delivered, with high alimony, retirement, percentage of housing etc on her side.

All of that above was around my life. I am here to say it is far away now. It made such a great positive impact on me as a child, even though I did not know Jesus. My husband today has always had his stress points of wanting to make more money here, and there etc-for me, for us. He had a time when we were dating, he was going thru a collapse of his company because of his divorce that he just spilled out all this stress to me, not sure what he could ever ever provide. I smiled. Now he grew up knowing Jesus, and I had just found Jesus in a drastic way about 8 months when he said all that. But I was on fire. And I remember his long e-mail of stress, and I e-mailed him back saying money isn't what matters to me AT ALL... I'd rather have Jesus, him, and Tory in the middle of the desert in AZ, at 135 degrees, with hot wind blowing a tumbleweed by--and still have all our love THERE, no matter what we didn't have with it, Jesus, us and love is what matters in order to be happy-and be happy to share His love to others. Those were pretty big words coming from small me, past wealthy family, just found Jesus a bit ago. But it doesn't matter. It is His plans. His love that lights us up.

And that is where His plan came from providing me with this amazing husband today--that lights me up!! He doesn't just light me up, of course he lights our kiddo Tory up. But he lights my family, his, his work, my doctors-so many. As for he is a truthful, kind, humble, caring man-who shows it to all in a Godly way. And forever I am blessed with him, and forever I will praise..... HIM!!

This may have been long.... and in a strange set up-but it is clear to me from my childhood life #1 (and what today is) to how I am living today!!

Love is precious and should never be taken for granted. It is way more rich than any ring of TV or car. And with my husband Christian Siebens @flyingchristian , I am very wealthy forever, no matter what!

To God Be the Glory!

Heather Siebens

Wealth

How Much?

Ecclesiastes 5:10  Those who love money will never have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness!!

So what is that amazing true love to you? What do you find your focus on in need of always? Something or someone you can't live without?

With me my first amazing love goes straight to me Creator-for bringing me here to learn love, and show it. That is my other part of love-I love my husband Christian Siebens beyond understanding-just an amazing click. And my daughter will always be more than any daughter to me-she is extra special. We went thru some tide together in life with my psychotic ex, but I kept her peaceful, loving, excited for each day. She is quite on fire for Jesus, and I am so proud. My Big Bro Troy Jensen has made an endless impact on my heart-something that he never would have done before-as for he loved material things, money. That was how we grew up. But I saw how it could hurt my parents relationship then, I was not one who ever wanted it a big part of my life.

My greatest memory really is when my ex and, well became ex's due to his beating me. To clarify that-how did that benefit me? I was one to struggle, no matter how, to pay for a 1 bedroom, not the best nor best neighborhood apartment. I slept on the floor, with a lamp with no shade. That was classic. But Tory had her stuff, thanks to my parents. And we had the closest relationship thru it all. Nothing took our attention off each other-that is what I loved.

If I role play, happily married to a wealthy man, frequently gone on business trips-but brings in major dough for the kid and I-even gifts chosen...which would I choose? Believe it or not, with Jesus in our household focus-the one above. I've lived thru both-and most get drawn in, expect more, "need" more, want more, demand more... then all get hurt or defensive if it isn't reached. Humbleness is gone.

It isn't a criminal act to be well off. But you have to check yourself, before you wreck yourself--and more. I am one who wants occasional few new outfits, make-up, music, love to decorate. But overall-that happens far apart, sporadic, many are gifts to me in time. I do take the excited adventures when I feel well and go places amazing, trips etc. But I am more of a giver. Receiving is wonderful. But it feels amazing for the heart when you give.

So the battle of wealth. Do you find yourself looking at many others angry wondering why that isn't you? Or your car, your house etc? How much longer will you be made to work questions? The blessing is life is about the heart, not about something man made later in life that makes the heart thump with anxiety. The heart is God made just for you and me. It is in us-spreads throughout our whole body--our BRAIN!!!! SO we should know this!! Using our heart more for just a kiss is a big move. It is a must. Really teach it to love-everything it has, able to give, excited over family and friends, using it to reach out to others-use your heart for so much. For being you. For all you have had, have, and are today. For today is what matters-God only knows what tomorrow holds.

I bring this up because I have been around those who have struggled financially in life-went from rich to poor. And know have this bitterness, anger. None of it seems "fair" to them. Nothing in life in all comparisons would be fair. But sadly, everyone notices money issues to be most drastic more than deathly illnesses that kill young kids. That flies by many like this, with a "that is just ridiculous" an angry attitude there too... but no comfort. No heart. The heart will not change if they won the lotto-it does not by what the heart prevails in... love always. First few days would be giddy-but would fade-no Jesus, and no heart.

Money is not the answer to life. We can live thru it, that God. But isn't the answer. Jesus is-and He will lay all answers out for you as you keep walking His walk, whole heartedly-for Him, not money. God only knows what He has in store for you!

Love you all!!

In His Love,

Heather

Hang on with Faith

Hanging On Jesus
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."


I have been blessed to have gone thru so much in my mid 20's, that all shook me finally enough to find the Truth. John 14:6 Jesus told him, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one can come to the Father except thru Me!" The reason I am here-and STILL am with all I went thru, and then put myself thru. He works miracles for the moment we show Him humbleness, hope, a gleam of wonder if it is really HIM. Cause the moments you show more wonders, are the moments He has been grabbing your heart more.


It took many years of first me being introduced to who He is late in life, then tragically going thru so much (many blogs on that in here..) but the amazing part is the moment you lift your eyes-open your heart to Him, and allow your faith to endure thru everything you go thru-with HIM-the whole way He already has amazing plans for you. You just have to use that faith part for it to happen. For His amazing plans to endure. And as you open your heart more and more to everything tough that happens in life, knowing just to trust Him-have faith, He will help you run thru this trial with those amazing plans ahead. But if we stay angry, or bitter, or far away from God's love and faithfulness thru everything-then we won't get to see His-HIS next step in everything yet. Not until we are ready to invite Him back in.
I went thru my pouty stage. My why God stage. My-THIS CAN'T BE stage.... but I was refocused by so many-starting with my amazing brother whom swears I was the one who recently brought Him to Jesus. That grabbed me big. As I have prayed for years. Now we are so close-we are 2 peas in a pod.
Then I just have amazing family, neurologist, docs--and two very amazing ones that held my hand tight thru this was my psychiatrist for over 7 years at Mayo Clinic-- Dr. Cynthia Stonnington. Has such a grabbing heart and attitude about how you will succeed getting thru this illness. Then knowing I moved, she knew I'd be going thru a few years of pain with what is called severe Fibromyalgia- and she already has an amazing psychiatrist set up for me to call this week in Philly to make an appointment-stay focused on wellness. I was amazed at all she has to do, at what time she had before I entered her office. Always such a heart filled with joy. In addition was my brilliant psychologist Dr.Seri Roth-Roemer. She is such an amazing doctor full of life, laughter, faith-and with the focus she guides you with, just in days you begin to feel better and be better for others. But you have to have the right focus for yourself. She knows how to learn about you to find the right focus! Amazing what the brain controls. She is full of amazing gifts-one I'd love to take after if one day I am well enough to get back to school. But all my docs keep getting me thru it. All the tests galore-trying to see what is causing the severe pain-right after I healed from my #rd brain surgery, done AWAKE! Just one more test to be done. Otherwise, the low down is I have quite the case of fibromyalgia or it was caused from my brain surgery. Actually nicking a part that deals with pain. Cutting into vessels then going into the "Hot Spots" where seizures were recorded. My neurosurgeon would have me read, tell colors, keep talking etc while telling him any odd things happening while marking areas that aren't "affecting" me yet-to take out. Looking back, I kept my focus more on eyes that were gonna go if we took the whole "Hot Spot" out, so just some was taken from that and I have lack of periphreal vision. But one thing that I didn't think twice about was pain in my body, and temperture raising, and prickles. But all that can come from the medication they gave me to try to help the pain, while awake, and when it wore off, my brain was stressing overload for the pain on the brain surgery and body. It attacks the brain and where it sends its signals, for everything. Which leads to severe pain. Signals that stop pain get triggered and the body, unharmed is in severe attacks, severe pains all over-not knowing how it is supposed to make that pain go away.The signals are drastic-it is even hard to hug I hurt so bad. So I pray with this 4th brain surgery (cutting the brain in half-corpus callosum ) and medication, some knowledge of it now-I will heal quicker than how I was making it worse with such a negative attitude, laying around in severe pain-waiting for it to go away. God has different plans.So I have to take this plan and run with it.... He his worth all steps.
Blessings to all thru Jesus!


Heather
http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe
http://www.twitter.com/AliveinMe

THE TEAM from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Mc Prodigal Amazement

This is for my dear friend, mentor Richard Mayhan @McProdigal. He is so transparent, goes deep in subject then brings it to the surface thru the love and heart of our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ
He is so humble-placing others obstacles in life first. He tries to really understand them as if he lived it out. Most of all he has been thru obstacles never ashamed about-therefore he can talk, listen, pray, lift, console, understand, and gather others to pray that you will have no idea about!! His heart is amazing for the love of Christ.... please connect if not--and if ever looking for anyone in counseling/church--he rocks up in New Hampshire!! Otherwise, catch him on here!!!
God bless you all for praying--helping me see some purpose. Pull me out of this mud. It is still so hard everyday-but it is more and more in Christ's hands again, not mine.

God bless-with humble thanks....

Hetty  (Heather)  @AliveinMe  @Time4Christ  http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe

PS... and the Counting Crows started their first major album in 1993-debut 91...no 80's my friend!!  :)

Man on the Moon

I guess there are times that I had felt that in the year 2000--on... but it has been a while. Twas a great song, but I would've gone to NASA if that was my true choice. Overall, I was not a "space" girl. Instead Jesus brought me to Him in tough times. One was divorcing my ex who beat me...he loved space. Instead I make the "woMan on the moon" by overdosing Phenobarbital to ease that pain...keep it on the "high" side. Just get an exciting feeling or right to do. (whether true by space shuttle or moon to "get High otherwise") Excitement of them are not in my deck of cards today. But  the song is amazing, as well as what came thru it all in my life of it.
I would just like to hit no pain, in which will bring happiness again. So I can dance with my hubby, play in aggressive ways with my kiddo-and answer all phone calls etc..... Right now, I have zero energy, no pain relief and so much more.... and family to please. That isn't going to happen.
Overdosing was my choice before in life. But I found the extreme pain. The hurt. The loss. The slight numbness or high it would give you-then it leads to misery and at least near death. 
I sit back and follow these amazing doctor rules that do nothing for pain, makes you wonder where tomorrow is.
But I can also see how all this extreme action, again on me brings Him Glory. I see someone who loves me dearly speaking of God more than I have lately-I think God cleaned him up to an amazing soul, now has him beginning to lecture pro Jesus talk like me-just boosting me now. I see this persons life changed, and for that I am grateful. Only Christ can do that-sometimes thru visual of loved ones. And that all pain is worth it.
My life revolves around Jesus, Christian, Tory and Troy-and one missing would make me snap more. So stay close. Know I need you all---not that Man on the Moon.......not me high...need me fixed and the real Jesus working on it.
So all I can see is a small reason. Otherwise if His Heaven is what we are waiting for in these extremes-there are easier ways to find them then suffer, and make others live in misery. His plans for me are thru suffering. I don't know why, but I am re-trying to grip.
He has plans-I just pray mine is still wellness on earth.


In His Love,




Heather


Revelation 22:12-13  "See I am coming soon, and my reward is with Me, to repay all according to their deeds. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."

Video "Lamimin" Louie Giglio-AMAZIING

AMEN!!!!!

Are We Numbered?

ISAIAH 40:26-31

Look up into the heavens.

      Who created all the stars?
   He brings them out like an army, one after another,
      calling each by its name.
   Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
      not a single one is missing.
    O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
      O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
    Have you never heard?
      Have you never understood?
   The Lord is the everlasting God,
      the Creator of all the earth.
   He never grows weak or weary.
      No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
    He gives power to the weak
      and strength to the powerless.
    Even youths will become weak and tired,
      and young men will fall in exhaustion.
   But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
      They will soar high on wings like eagles.
   They will run and not grow weary.      They will walk and not faint.

My mailbox is empty-does that mean I am gone. All my illnesses, one lead to another. With treatments-large ones like 3 brain surgeries led to other types and remedies and so many medications you'd wonder how I am still here now. Does this mailbox mean I am now gone? Does this empty mailbox just mean He has taken me early-maybe earlier than plan? For all my struggles brought on myself, not hearing Jesus for 26 years... while overdosing during the year to find Him? Does He pull time in life back for not being perfect, or not attempting much "good" to fix the larger problems we create?
Does Christ have just chosen ones anyway, that if you aren't on it, no matter how hard you try as a late blooming believer-it would be worthless, you aren't on His chart? Does He have pull backs when after you have become a strong walker with Christ, but had tough times and had a cold heart the "why God" the "how could You" or "I think I have to throw in my towel" ... does God truly shut off your entrance code with just those words

• Never hearing about Jesus while young-til adult and confused.
• Family had hurting time as a child, sad, anger, no Jesus either
• first husband and I eloped-told no one. He also told me nothing of his belief in Christ.
• He tried to shove this unknown Jesus stuff down my throat-shove harsh--I rejected it BIG.
• He cheated on me when I began to try a little bit of Jesus. 9 mos of marriage 1st adultery hit.
• We broke up and made up-moved away over a dozen times in 4 years. One thing that kept us together happily on my end-aggitated on his, was "our" child... now mine--born 4/17/2001
• When I got pregnant-the night we were planning divorce, it through his other plans out of action. Both our life took a whirlwind-I got sick. I could no longer work. My life was on hold. My seizures were out of control. He was very angry-put his plans out of play.
• When my child was born he just hated me more, and the surrounding more. When I took Tory on the plane to AZ to be with my family, he did not fight much.
• He came back when he had to go into the Army to keep my insurance going. Away for bootcamp-with many girls known while I was ill. Stationed in Ft Hood, happily while I raised Tory sick. But He was angry when we showed up after my 1st brain surgery to TX.
• He didn't think we'd really come. 4th night there-Oct 6th 2002-He beat me. And that was my turn. Starting point for when I know I needed more.
• I first turned big time to my phenobarbital. Larger and larger quantities. Then on moodiness I took more to "help" it.
• When I began dating my husband today-we wound up in my bad situations because I always OD'd before he'd come-ease nervousness of this wonderful "too good" of guy, pain of the other.
• He turned out to be my everything.
• Tory began to love him as Dad at 2.
• As I searched for Jesus and dated afar-the OD'ing got out of control-to the point even with all the amazement thru His Word-it took this big KNOCKDOWN in Oct 19, 2003 --that should have taken my life, but He so heard my cry.
• His heart led to Christian Siebens giving his heart totally to me-me totally to Jesus. As I learned so much from afar from Christian-my level of knowledge was around a 7ish and his was about a 2. He was excited for me, amazed, but deeply kind of embarrassed -which can be a good thing in this topic.
• And thru all of this, Jesus, learning, Christian's hand, prayer, psychology, church for me weekly, bible study every week when Christian moved down to Phoenix and started going to all with me--and he felt the Holy Spirit after 36 of knowing and mostly going to churches-this was the first time.
• Before he married me he walked thru more health complications-unbelievable amounts with epilepsy, medication radical side effects, 2nd brain surgery, 1 kidney found to work 80% worse back then (98% now) and dealing with the end of my divorce, my forgiving, and being kind to the man who beat me. But he married me: October 6, 2007 (exactly 5 years after my ex beat me-to make it a blessed day!) Married at our church in Chandler, first one I ever went to-feeling the Holy Spirit-hearing His Word, feeling the power of prayer. What has happened?
• What amazed me is this::: I was in the ER --and pretty much every one they had they sad were on me. And I went from some ability of verbal skills, to severely dropping quick-thinks started to flash as they began the charcoal down my throat I went into coma for 24 hours-without gag reflex for time after. It was waking up from all of that-all that went on that gave me some personally feeling of fixation of probs by doing this. I had learned this over the year-and I did, I cried out to Jesus when I awakened. Called out to Him to give me another chance-I have to much to live for-too much that are amazing for Him, and I was appointed their mom-Please! Jesus drew me close those 10 days.::I can still call Him Dad--and my Christian my husband! So many amazing answers in life.
• I was in and out of the hospital from then on. Never what we had always dreamed I turn closer to being. And everything has just worsened, when I thought 2006 was the worse one-or 2008 was the top one...2009...every year was multiple times, not just once. Then 2010 finally rolled around-and I had the team of Twitter and Facebook all over prayer, phone calls, gifts, love, visits... and that love started in my 2009 stay---God bless you all. Praise you God.

So I hate ever complaining to all you amazing people-but you need to know why I am MIA. This time around was different. They aren't positive what the outcome will be-or if in fact it is half illness/half from 3rd brain surgery-but so many things have gone in the air. We have to go to a new clinic near Philadelphia-where we just moved. My family is all my Mayo family in AZ--but we will see what the change will do. 

I had first so many outpatients I can't count that high. I had an outside valley doc tell me multiple illness that he saw-that he needed me to have looked at right away, but 15 miles from Mayo, I wouldn't choose others in the Valley if it would have been a fake diagnosis. But no good determinations from any outpatient testing. Deeper Tests-none again. In-patient for over a week right before I moved so we could see if quick odd tests could show much, if not, they were testing ways to calm my pain-so I could while I was moving and first here in Philly start looking for a neuro an answer from God is this is it-or if this is really just the end... etc...

All of this has sure caused handicap with me-making me feel like a useless, awful parent and wife and sister. But my brother and little girl do so much good for me--and my husband is now learning. It isn't as simple to me -excruciating -never ending, as opposed to my seizures I get, get thru, get over, got on with it. There were tough parts like driving, headaches etc.... but nothing like death that I ever felt would occur, no matter the small statistics. 

The top part really of this illness isn't even telling people about it-or having people ask about it. Tough part is for both my husband and I. I look for some sort of comforting or empathy, and that is far from what is/was there from Him. With Epilepsy, I was able to be more of a take it on myself. Not whine. Don't baby me.BUT This whole body attack is another illness. I can hardly do one simple movement, lift, make meal, dress, take child out for fun, put on my own clothes, awful memory, severe pain so can't get up and down new homes beautiful stairs all over, can't sleep well from pain.... etc etc all in which knock down my psychological standing-feel in need for my AZ psychologist here every hour!!! But it is even harder when the man you married who is your everything, thinks he is doing things right again by just backing off--coming toward me only if he needs or requires something. That worsens it all in my heart. I begin to wonder who I am married to now-who forgot how to be there for me. As he is there for himself and this amazing new workforce. We've been proud for his new job for 5 weeks. But now with as much as this has worsened-he must be scared it will take his dream away. It won't. It may take one-me-so enjoy the lovingly wife while you can..... 
We just had a week of getting thru to each other-how life has changed, and it wasn't changing well in our relationship-love in it was vanishing--changing how we live it, want it, know about each other, conquer it all. Once the big talk my big brother helped us with-my hubby and help from extraordinary friends who care on Facebook-We still love each other more than before. Understanding both sides.

We all have things to change, for ourselves, friends, work, of course our dear spouse---then Finally-Jesus Christ we double check we changed for in the beginning, middle and end. Christ doesn't kill us.. makes us bigger, stronger ready for His time to take us back. Even when we feel so weak-we won't there!

Last.... have you thought about yours? Has Jesus accepted you yet even-to your best of knowledge? If you died tomorrow, would you hit the To Heaven Truck or be left on a very below southern route? 
Have you ever sat back and watched your own life you live, if played by someone else, NO WAY they could handle it, most demand to change parts. 

Sometimes it is a few bad days-but more awful your attitude or life issue. You overall have a solemn attitude or rude, and  several chunks of tough days, with any ways to make it better on your own, if Jesus especially does no good quick. Is it correct still with Jesus? Or if you also found Him late in life--wouldn't that like minus the correct chunks of tough days allowed once accepted? Jesus is a walking fast calculator!! Or is all of this true... we are allowed to find Him when we do--as He is part of that plan... great portion of tough times are needed to grow closer to needing Him. And we are just to try to keep walking as tight as possible, knowing we will fall--with goal of just becoming more and more like Him.
Then there are the lifetimers with few troubles. Are they really watched over because it is an acceptance way sooner than another-or is that person weaker to share His word thru suffering? 
How hard it is to be like Him. To know His plans. Sometimes it is just easier to not really know which date given, which hospital illness all have said--you just wait for Christ to bring you home--and pray for less suffering. I know I get cranky with Him--but He is still there for me!!! I love you all on Facebook and twitter....and @TroyJensen my big brother taking care of us all.... my daughter Tory....
And never ending love thru it all as we learn.... Christian Siebens @flyingchristian 
On top of all---thank You for holding us all so tight... dear Jesus!!! You ARE our ALL IN ALL! I know you don't count a thing-You keep us on our toes for YOU. You know why illnesses occur and if they can flee. God I pray to You, one of them is me---to keep sharing Your love and Word.


In Your Name Jesus,
Heather

Giving My "Keys"

If you confirmed with Jesus He had the keys, completely to my life... wouldn't you look at this picture of me and double think all this "trust" stuff?? I sure as heck know I WOULD! Cause whatever the keys are for, is something sad, slow, and dangerous with health and living. But who are we to pick how we want Him to plan our lives? We can pray-and He answers so many, IN HIS WILL. But some just aren't. Or sometimes are, but just temporarily --and that can be discouraging. 

But who are we to plan, who are we to slam our fists and say "NO, this won't happen...." He wants us to be humble, loving, and trusting. In all circumstances-with faith. He wants us to clap our hands and praise Him when well... and when in the at home, in the hospital, ANYWHERE, suffering. Cause we, as sons and daughters of our Lord-we should all know the amazing life we have thru Him now-and the one to come!!! With all He did for us in suffering--and not in a "spoiled" life, but during a very tough life-shows how much endless love He has for us. As He gave His life for us knowing the cost-His body, His life that could have been "fun" but instead was for His Father, for US. How unselfish is that!!!?? Placing all He knew to come, and even totally screw up along their way--but He gave His everything so He could be our SAVIOR. One to reach to always in need-always in tears-in anger and fear-in laughter-most of all----ALWAYS. He is our everything to reach to, cling to, listen to, follow, trust and love always. And when we get off that track, our plans do too. His plans for us-which out-do our plans by everything-are paused, until we look back to Him and get back on His track-GIVE HIM OUR KEYS FOR HIS FULL CONTROL, GUIDANCE---and listen to His answer to our prayers.

His plans outweigh all. So listen for Jesus. Don't listen to others. Open your ears to friends who talk thru His love and guidance, so more will make sense when He gives you His answers!!! Prayer to Him rocks!! And is amazing thru friends who are also tight with Christ. This I know, as I type from Mayo Hospital, flooded with prayers from amazing friends from twitter and Facebook, AZ to PA and all over USA and beyond!!! You all mean so much to me thru Him. I apologize if I have been snappy-- but I hadn't been listening to Jesus closely. Some amazing music by Ed Kowalczyk lifted me off my pity party-had me open my Bible and reach to all of you with such dear prayers. I thank you all...

And Scott Norris ... you know the words you said changed so much of my focus.. God bless you!!

I am re-giving Jesus my Keys to everything--so He, the Head of everything in my life, can show me where we are going!!!! He took my pain and anguish--as He jumped in the drivers seat... WOW!! Praise HIM!

All of you have gifts, and are gifts from Jesus.... God bless you!!!

In His Love,

Heather

1 Peter 4:10

God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

John 16:33

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Utter Pains and Blessings

Makes you wonder, which side of the bench YOU are going to be on... and always makes you wonder at times--which one JESUS is on!!!??? Or are you jumping just into a line of a ton of never ending "traffic" ... "issues" ....
We all go thru ebbs and flows... just gosh, at times, seems like the extremities of all hard times are never coming back from drowning sea. And that is how it has been for me, personally-2 mos after my very successful 3rd brain surgery.
1595-William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost, iv 3
As true we are as flesh and blood can be:  The sea will ebb and flow, heaven show his face.
I got boggled down with, yes, the extreme weird foot pain, that over a couple weeks turned into extreme body pain. But then it has turned into extreme body changing pain. Different areas. Quickly in the day, quickly changes place. And it never settles. My brother is able to sit across the room and watch me react, unknowingly, in extreme body movement from extreme body pain. Just jolts. And many tears have flowed. The brain surgeries were so much simpler. Everything in life, which has never been simple as an adult, has been simpler than this. So I sit and ask myself-I ask God... "Seriously, is there a reason... or do You just hate me..." 
Now I know the Truth. I know He loves me. I know without Him, this would have killed me long ago. In reality, I would have killed myself long ago. But He has His plans. It is just so hard to hang on. Another day is out of control. My child is out of school and I am useless-so it feels. My family just doesn't have "me..." And I really don't even want to feel wanted, cause I just don't even feel like ME!!!
But thru all of this, Jesus throw a loop for our family. That still brings joy thru all the pain and tears, and Lord knows my anger. My hubby got such an amazing incline in the work he does, with an amazing company located in a city I have lived before. We are, as a family moving to Philadelphia around the 22nd of July-- if not sooner... along with my amazing brother too--whom does so much for me, my family. So with this amazing news, and start-that has so many Jesus signatures ALL OVER IT... along with my dragging never ending illness-you have to lay back and see that obviously, it is still in His grip-with more molding-IN HIS TIME TO COME. I am praying, and holding on. While thrilled for my husband.
I just try not to com-bust, over the pain, nor the side effects that the medication daily. That has horrific side effects that make my able to use one eye well, forgot myself, forget all my verbal language unless given EXTRA TIME to think, and forget where I am even heading to get something-when I get there.... but I know it has tiny tiny bit of help. Not sure if enough to keep taking it. But when I pull some, the pain comes back twice as bad. Such a give and take. I thought the weight gain in the beginning was bad-that was the joy. I have never been bigger than 110... so this was odd... but I am waiting for it all to be worth every issue it causes.
So I am still hanging on... gripping Jesus tight. I know He blesses me every day-even when I don't show or give love back. SO unconditional...... I will keep moving forward with HIM with all we have to look forward to... in Philly, and one day-with HIM.


In His Love,
Heather



2 Corinthians 1:7
We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.