Blessed and Watched Over

Jesus was born to save. I was born to share that, yet so clueless for so long-of HIM-of His ever-lasting love. Most of us can't wake up to His Amazing Grace until knocked to our knees. Therefore I am forever grateful for His love, patience, mercy, grace-thru every step of life. Those I knew and could see it-all others I can look back, in awe of His presence thru every moment of my life... as for yours as well.

I see so clearly now His working in my life, and even thru me. How He touched many souls thru my suffering, pain, suffering. How He changed mine for His Good thru it all. Even when I was suffering and abused-it all drew me to find Him, love Him thru it all. I never turned my thoughts of His Truth-Only His-even when not saved. I was approached by so many of a few cults is my early years-yet had no part of me to wonder about any of their stories. I knew somewhere deep inside me, that He is the Only Way. Even when in deep denial - severe suffering- I still had this part of my heart that was pre-wired and saved to love Jesus, to save my eternal suffering.

He has radically changed my life. In faith and love. In my gift of openness came transparency of His Truth. The way He knew me and my plans in life while in my mother's womb. In every word of my denial came His Promise to me. I never knew before Him how little I was really in control of life. When first presented to Him came out my duplication almost of Saul-who later was talked to about why Saul was born... was for His Glory, and not Saul's selfishness and denial- He was born to change lives as Paul. He had the most radical change I could imagine. I am blessed He was willing to radically change me too-also for His Glory. I was able to see past my suffering, look beyond tragedy and know His plans are real and for ever lasting love-love beyond my comprehension.

So I may not comprehend all His purposes. but I know He has radical purposes; that even thru little me can change lives even outside of my own life. In fact, Christ has us all here for His Glory-and before others, thru everything. To make change in people's lives that we try to help guide and change; yet to be amazed at whose lives we change or impact thru Him, without knowledge of attempting to. Just living with the Holy Spirit wrapped around us to keep praising Him thru everything, and around everyone-without embarrassment of His Truth and how it affects our lives. We praise Him when well, or unwell. We raise our hands in true whole-hearted praise and worship-knowing He came to save and conquer-will return with that promise we share; and turn away from evil that makes us doubt. To accept blessings while sharing more than return blessings thru Him. To know His truth is real and never-ending.

My brain may be afflicted-challenge to have historical true words about His Truth; but a heart that can share His heart that loves us all without question. I am in awe how He was deep in my soul all my life-even all the years I knew nothing about Him. How He twists our deep denial into deep love for and thru Him.

He has walked with me my whole life-He is everlasting. He is our One True God who continues to change lives. I can see how changed I am thru Him in my walk. I am blessed to be able to bless others thru His Word. I am forever gracious... His mercy and grace is amazing-His Truth is such a life changing experience- I will forever be amazed. I will challenge myself daily to seek Him more-to reach out to others, to pray for others first-and to love Him and others more of myself and material things.

Forever so thankful for such changes forevermore, all for His Glory, Honor and Praise. I will continue to walk with YOU Jesus...

Bless you all.... share your story of How He changed you-- I will be just amazed more!!

In His Grip,

Heather

Philippians 3:20-21
But we are citizens of Heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for Him to return as our Savior. He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like His own, using the same power with which He will bring everything under His control.

His Purpose

December usually is looked at as a very blessed month full of love, cheer, gifts, laughter, most of all; the Birth of Our One and Only Savior...Jesus Christ. The beauty of fresh snow in some places is exciting, cooler weather for AZ is a blessed miracle. Families having special, kind, time together in family is a true gift.
I am one odd one that has a birthday in December...ten days before Christ's birth-yet never found Him, or accepted Him until I was 26.... A decade ago! So the true meaning of Christmas is now in my heart, not just the gift giving in my brain.
I have a very big positive I pray about everyday; my pain has subsided most all the time, seizures controlled, out living life again. But that was a long long 12 years. But worth each form of agony: I found my Lord and Savior who was there thru my whole life, married the man of my life He blessed me with after such abusive chaos with my ex. All in perfect time for our kid Tory, to see and accept Christian as her real dad. A work of God.
Decembers can be very busy, very stressful with all that has to be accomplished, and time you have to be at Christmas events in jam packed traffic. Some drivers just think about all to do, what's been done, that taking an illegal turn on freeways happen too often this month. Elders who are loved ones become more depressed because they don't have that same ability to celebrate and decorate nearly as much as they did. Has a tendency to invite certain illnesses their way ...even though they are truly loved as much as ever. It is just hard to not present or enjoy it as before.
Today was my 36th birthday. Two months I've been pain free. Now THAT is a celebration.
But then I recall back in Dec 16, 2009, I lost a very precious friend from this earth. No longer get to visit him weekly for hours of amazing in depth conversation. Jason Mitchner had so many gifts from God-overseeing his obstacles. He inspired me...and still does. I talk to Him in beautiful Heaven when I need to hear or feel from him. I was blessed with such a touching relationship. He kept faith alive. Wrote music and devotionals. Straightened me out about the more time we are here on earth-the more we could bring to Christ. Amazing!!! He always talked about the date of my birthday... so I know he hung on for that. I went up the 17th with a Christmas gift-an ornament so beautiful-I had one to light up too and match--then news was coming out. He was no longer in his room he was in for years. No one legally could tell me what went on-but the nurse I knew well. So in my tears, she stood outside waiting for me to be able to tell me. I cried, I hugged her-and gave her his gift in love. What a friend he is.
Now..I am thrilled that my inspiring friend hears and comforts me... Along with other angels, and foremost Christ.
Which I therefore thank Jesus for having family members tell me what went on with my cousin in law. I never met her. This was going to be the way to meet her. In ICU, barely out of coma. Not long after... She was moved to an inpatient physical/occupational/speech therapy location. I've been so blessed to grow closer to her as a friend, cousin, one with medical similarities. I am gracious to God He had His hand on me tight thru struggles when I was a non believer....but God has His plans and timing. Same for Jason-with all he did to share His word while suffering greatly-Jesus called for Him. Now he is dancing-no longer paralyzed. And I watch how He is touching hearts and changing souls thru dear Kim. Gifts she gives us before, during and after. When healed, I see her making it to the aftermath and touching lives known, and unknown!
Kim has made amazing progress that has gripped my heart tight. I thank God for being with her thru it all...and never letting go! With Kim, I couldn't see one soul let go of a miracle lady such as herself. Her family is amazing and full of blessings and love thru their dear mom, and dear dad. This is when you see how important family ties are.
Both Kim and Christians grandma Oachs (who is my grandma to me also) went thru the fearful look of a stroke, or perhaps small type of stroke that I had in September. We were almost exact in what we went thru. But it only took grandma 24 hours to regain knowledge, and most words. Will probably go to an in patient place to make sure everything is completely in tact and healing. Praise God....such a wonderful woman I love!
I sure pray for my Grandma Jensen's health to get better, not let depression have her exit. I'll visit this week to see progress.
I praise God for hearing our cries for Kim-placing her on the road to healing. Thanking all who show up to root her on! She is so positive... My heart loves her so dearly. Thanking her family to let me be part of the support team, full of love, even though I was the "lost" in-law. I was lost....thru Jesus and Kim, I'm now found!
Thank You dear Jesus for all these precious souls in my life. Praying strength in family members. I love you all....
I miss you Jason...but know how blessed you are...we will always talk til we see one another in Heaven!

Love to all, all healthy, all suffering....God hears all cries!

In His Grip,
Heather

That Day Will Come from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 Have you never heard?
    Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
    No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
 He gives power to the weak
    and strength to the powerless.
 Even youths will become weak and tired,
    and young men will fall in exhaustion.
 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
    They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
    They will walk and not faint.

Psalm 66:20
Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

Psalm 66:19
But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer.

Blessed Beyond

It takes very tough times for us to really be able to look at all going on and see any purpose-and reach tighter than ever in our lives for His comfort to see us thru. Too many of us turn away from Him...our time period was way shorter, more appealing, and we don't understand why He'd allow such tough times in our lives if He unconditionally loves us, always.
He works all out for good....and I know that is true; if we are willing to hang onto Him-give Him our Trust on His timing and all we have to bare.
I've been thru so many very tough times just prior me running for Him, yet so much that kept worsening over the years; even when I accepted Jesus as my Savior, my Everything. But the severe body pain all over my body that began in 2010- is the worst ever for me. My pain wasn't controllable non medicated, medicated, or any mind over matter. My severe pain hit end of March in 2010, just a few weeks after my awake, 3rd brain surgery. It was so scary due to the severity, and to think I take on pain like it doesn't exist. But this one more than took me down.
But everyone's thought of one month, two, maybe three...ok Heather maybe half a year til it subsides. While trying every medication and being prescribed so many severe pain meds in addition to muscle pain meds. I had every test for every illness...coming back with nothing but thought of where my brain was cut, it could be just trying to heal that pain control section, over months-then in reality just a few months shy of 3 years in severe pain.
I felt like nobody, nothing...except in a very tough life for way too long for me to be anything I was and am to be.
I have seen quite the number of specialists from AZ to PA. But in Philly I was radically over medicated...so we didn't know if any of the meds worked alone. But my doctor saw my misery and didn't know the answer either, but sure tried.
I decided to come off my strong patch...as for if I was far from pain free at a high dose, then why should I burn my brain anymore if not needed. I was off of everything else....and down to half of that patch ...my doctor today helped me get off that patch completely.
We tried a few muscle relaxants...including the first one that thru me into ICU with loss of verbal knowledge and use...then was dragged into full body paralyzation for hours. Over all, that was very scary...was over two days no verbal skills or knowledge.
That was September of this year. I went thru trying 2 more muscle relaxants, none worked right. So one day we went in to talk about what to do. My doc was frustrated and concerned about many meds causing seizures. I was just in tears and needed something to help such excruciating pain ...and felt like my prayers weren't heard. He was right there with His plans.
Cause I can tell you all today, which started with a new/ old muscle relaxant ...He has healed me. I asked for a day of it, maybe a week...but it's been about 2 months that I've been pain free. It has changed my life completely....and learned so much thru it all.

So today I share this, telling others healing isn't only when you reach Heaven...His is very popular, well known, utterly amazing at what He does down here before Heaven. Never fear sharing!
If pain returns, I know He has reason...like Paul from the Bible with the thorn in His side-God had reasons then, He hasn't forgotten us!!
Praise His Heart and Name!
Thank you all for your prayer
In His Love,

Hetty

Love and Laughter

Love and Laughter

You and I are such an interesting pair

Siblings who've gone thru everything

I think God was guiding us to care

You grew up so fast

yet I was right there

not caring if I was last

Cause I knew one day you'd run to me

we may argue a tad some here and there

but our ignorance in heart we told to flee

My brain was resected a 3rd time awake.

Your nerves were on edge;

thru the hours you'd take

I came out elated looking for dear you

your voice was so calm

seeing I again made it thru

But afterward a dark storm drifted all around

you, my brother studied my pain

talked to me about everything you had found

For years you stuck by me in my own home

helping me selflessly 

allowing me not to be alone

Years of prayers and the hope you had

my pain had calmed down

wasn't nearly as bad

Thru all you helped me turn back to our King

the start of your new faith was alive

I thank you for the love you have been giving

I'm grateful for the relationship we have seen grow

one I've wanted for quite some time

full of love and laughter, the "we" love to show

Just realize now Troy, I won't let you go

amazing uncle you are, best brother I take

Many can't believe us, say we put on a show

But I x (cross) them out as any focus in life

see the blessings we've been given

won't let our relationship turn to any strife

A Bit of Us from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Love you for everything Troy.... thank you... see you day after tomorrow!!! You are my pick up this time!!!  :) remember 99??  :)

((HUGS))

Header Peader  (Heather)

May You Dance

Jason......

Can you hear my deep words crackling

when I really try to pray?

I just feel so sad and distant

as you were gone that December day

We would talk so long forever,

I sure hope you miss me too

We had hopes and dreams we never

Had time to fully see them thru

You and I sat talking

'bout how life's so worth living.

You'd cry about not walking

Yet you were gifted and so giving.

The talents you had we're amazing

I was in awe of all you'd did and do

Thru Him you'd keep on soaring.

Half the time it was YOU who really flew

I'll just lay down in that flood

Keep asking why for a while?

As rain changes dirt into mud;

I'll be buried alive for a mile.

Alive I am today dear friend

But alive today you're not

Great friend please help me mend

You're such a blessed friend I've got

You were hit with many issues

That just wouldn't go away

Everyday, I sure do miss you

True soul for Christ, every single day

You lived each day like last for you

Keeping my faith alive inside

I pray you know all this is true

Thru God you sure help Him guide

One day I'll make it there and see you in a glance

Our Lord will be the first One along with you that I'll see

Knowing you, You'll start music up along with a dance

Our friends & family thrilled to dance along with you and me

Friendships are for ever Jason...

Blessings always to Jason Mitchener ...passed away 3 yrs ago Des 16... He made it thru my birthday December 15th.... I took little Christmas gift to give to him when I got there evening of Dec 17, 2009.... Always to be missed till we reconnect with Heaven

Dear Master's Love

The Lord will truly dance for you Kim

Even when all may seem so dim

In my heart I know this is true

With all my love from me to you

You may feel held back unable to speak

Can't move your body, all seems so bleak

But our God has amazing plans and love

Just rest in His arms as He works from above

I've known you, my cousin a very short time

But your eyes were so fierce preparing to shine

I can't wait to meet again and hug you too

As our Good Lord graciously sees you thru

Your beauty thru pain will change many lives

Keep others walk with Jesus more than alive

We see your love deep inside your soul

You help family reunite with your love a flow

We stand in awe of our Dear Master's love

You're a precious gift from Him up above.

Planned for you long ago before ever born

You will make it thru all, as we clap, not mourn

My cousin you are, made me recollect past

Be so grateful to God I'm here, it didn't last

Keep fighting the fight with your "arms open wide"

Cause our Lord has planned a successful stride

Don't count the days, take them one at a time

You my dear friend are going to be just fine

Your family awaits your arrival more than real soon

All will hug you thru the night, saying "I sure love you"

Bless you thru this unplanned fight

For our Lord holds onto you tight

Because He heals & loves you too

There isn't anything to God that is new.

He does all things well... As do you Kim....

We sure love you...

The Siebens

by Heather Siebens 11/3/12

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hope in an Angel

Angel Somewhere

It doesn't feel like you could paste a fake smile on my face

With all I've conquered you'd think I'd have one to embrace

But once again things turn around

And instead it feels I'm tumbling down

My shattered feelings can look 'no one in the face no more

As for I'm out of touch in life; what is this craziness for?

Down deep the roaring Lions have fiercely cut right out of me

The perturbed parts of my brain which wouldn't let me be 

Am I ever gonna make it out?

When can I make sense and show it?

When can I feel the true me will fit?

When can I get thru the wrong to see the right?

Can you see me barely living morning to night?

Where am I at, on this tough, winding road?

I see so much bright & beautiful beyond my overload

Is that baby blue sky falling ? Or the troubled earth just rising?

I keep rubbing my eyes to see if this is real or just haunting?

I think all see this tragedy isn't my place in life to be

Living thru answered prayers that turned into catastrophe

As if good is really evil and evil is Devine

Then why did I have a heart to set on His Line?

Time keeps loudly screaming, I keep silently staring

Deep in my soul there's something I just shouldn't be bearing

Cause I shouldn't have to be lost long in order just to find

A piece of me so grey and silent with very little in my mind

When can I make sense and show it?

When can I feel the true me will fit?

When can I get thru the wrong to see the right?

Can you see me barely living morning to night?

I don't know how long this fragile moment will take

Feels like my heart is damaged putting all my love at stake

Go back to and be that angel many saw in you

'Heather the angel' , girl, you have a lot to do

But today is a grey day that won't lead me to thrive

Yes I hear a faint tick in my heart and know that I'm alive

But today isn't the day I change, probably not tomorrow

All around me seems so deep and far, not dark in my sorrow

Sooner or later as I walk on this thin rope

I'll turn to ask myself if I have any ounce of hope

If I have hope, maybe this monkey will be set free 

To come down from that rope, far down to find the true me

I'll hang on as this desert sun goes down

I'll think of Pennsylvania never coming back 'round

Everything I saw will always be in my head

Nothing's changed much, my brain is frozen instead

Hetty Siebens 2012

Cycles

I deserved a little more

More than rage and slamming doors

Could sit by the bright orange sun, watch it disappear

You'd rant and rave to shake me, but was you that had the fear

You threw things in spite when I didn't agree

Deep down you knew the strength in me

Your chopping me down never got you far

As I began to leave, you tried attacking my car

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?

How many cycles did we keep breaking down?

It led to disaster of me and you...

It's been a long time that we've been thru...

Never would I go back to you...

You could use puppets to tell me your lies

But that's the fake life I see in your eyes

I'm never ever gonna think twice bout' you

Living dreams out with my family is what I'll do

Your mind never could focus straight

Why would I stay with one full of hate?

So much hate in your deep soul

That made me pay such a toll

How many cycles did we keep breaking up?

How many cycles did we keep breaking down?

It led to disaster of me and you...

It's been a long time that we've been thru...

Never would I go back to you..

Or let you touch me again, be close to me

If only your devilish eyes could see

Those days we had are more than thru

With careless choices you continued to do

A courteous reminder with your consciousness in tact

Fear truth would leek out to your ex daughter ...is a fact

Actions just don't flee, you can't hide them from a soul

Your bleak love in your life chose to let her go

She slipped into this world from a soul of hatred and abuse

But the beauty my daughter carries on did not come from you

Cry each day of remorse on the choices of your coarse

But never again come looking for us, not a thing you can force.

I had to write a poem like I was living in yesterday. Oddly enough, we got thru it, and forgave after 4 yrs... But sadly after he remarried a young girl of jealousy, she was pregnant and demanded they part. Was sad...but a Jesus calling for Tory's heart and her amazing dad, my husband today...she's had since 1 1/2... He works wonders....

Blessings all....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:N Plymouth Ct,Gilbert,United States

Savin' Me

His Savin' me wasn't just luck

Wasn't His choice thru the muck

His plans were brilliant, blazing on fire

On fire for Him thru disastrous mire

He was always there the days I didn't believe

Believe of a heaven or Him took long to achieve

I denied Him for selfish reasons, that all pertained to me

His heaven I'd mock was not like mine that I'd rather see

My heaven then, so determined I'd say

Consisted of packed freeways, backed up all day

My "place" had beaches, radio and smog

Not then did I see The Truth, living in my own fog

Many tragedies shook me hard and emotionally deep

But I didn't know my God would chose me one to keep

I rolled my tiny car three times back in 99'

Doing all the wrong but I stepped out just fine

Thanked "whoever" was out there for my catastrophe

I gathered my love for California, drove to the blue sea

Still in my heart was selfishness, against to better things

Against the good, for the odds, the odds lovers would bring

But thru the years that followed

I was hit hard and just wallowed

In self pity and remorse

My ex held me down in force

He just shook and quivered

Knowing the pain to be delivered

His heart turned colder; shutting our kids feelings out

Then one fist to another, he beat me til' I'd shout

That day began the change of me

Confused, overdosing, I bent on my knees

Pleading to who I heard about a long time ago

To love and accept my failures so that I could show

Show how amazing life can be

Living thru tough times able to see

The amazing work He has done all my blessed life

Guiding me not to pop more pills, or ever use a knife

Showed me which road was the only and the best

If troubled times came, turn to Him for some rest

He would take my tragic times that were deep in my soul

He'd take it on with trust and love, with True Heaven my true goal

He changed my life completely, answered so many deep prayers

My Lord is with me always full of love, fighting Satan with all dares

My child praised Him very young, while I was still seeking His love

He placed my angel in my life for love and to seek Him up Above

My light is flaming Lord,

Flaming just for You

My life is flaming dear Jesus

Not one could take me from You

Praise you today!

Praise you tomorrow!

Praise you still thru any sorrow!

You're full of faithfulness, love and peace

Again I will repeat...

You're full of faithfulness, love and amazing peace

A love so alive and patient, a love that will not cease

So I close with You to say

You never leave me astray

Hard times aren't in Your plans

Your filled with Your Will; not with mans

Thank You for fighting for me too

As many in this life often won't do

Holding me close, hugging me tight

You never let me out of Your sight

Thank you Jesus....

Heather Siebens, 2012

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My Love Letter

You're still here precious

Even when I may distress 

Everything in my life

Both amazing or full of strife

You're still my rock, still my soul

When I'm negative and letting go...

Letting go of all my good...

Turning around when I know I should...

I should reach out my arms and cry to you

Tell you my feelings, not just the few I do

I chase after God with you in my heart

How can one let it get so far?

Strife will never go far

Never flee away from doubt

Strife will never go far

With the love I couldn't live without

It Will Never Go Far

You are my love

You fill me full of it

You are my love, MY love

Never will we quit

You though dear, see my good and bad

My negative in life I never knew I had

You see my soul inside, in love with my light and dark

You see thru it all, forgiving without giving it a mark

I can be most happy, sad, or even just loss of zest

Hard times made life edgy, attacking much of my best

The best husband in my life who never thinks to resign

You always say "we will over come, precious, you are mine"

I may sulk in the dark feeling all is on MY plate

But you, precious one, remind me it's never too late

Too late to give it back to God and know He has good plans

Plans of good not of evil, no matter how many times I ran

You bring out my glee

No matter what's wrong with me

You turn it around for the good to be found

The good I myself find in you is profound

May we both live life thru each others place

Both live thru changes, heartaches, all thru His Grace

Yes, you see my dark, you love my light

You bless my love, thru His love so bright

May we be ONE here on earth and in the realms Above

From beginning to end with all, Christ is filled with LOVE

With His extraordinary love and peace; my worries are few

Praising our Creator for all He does and will do

I truly praise Jesus with all my heart

I never want to grumble as I did at start

I know thru all trials, blessed by you thru Him I'll shine

You're the only one I truly desire, You thru God are only mine

So bless you in return from my soul

Bless you in return

Bless your courage

Bless your strength

Bless your work I've tried to brake

Bless your love

Bless your passion

Bless your patience

Bless your prayers of persistence

There is no one like you on this earth

And I say to you again;

As a daddy and a husband when we hurt

You thru our God are always there to mend

I will always love you Christian Siebens....always thru thick and thin!

Love,

Your moody but loving wife...

Thanks for handling this road....all my brain surgeries you gripped so tight, all my phenobarbital overdosings you helped me make it thru- so we could make it thru....thru convulsions or regular seizures you hung on...my loss of language and paralyzation (temporary) last month, you put up a fight...and can claim victory my love...as we walk thru my pain, you say you know it will go away for good....thru my families lack of love, you give me your family and support.....

I love you sweetie....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hurt, Love, Friends, Family, Trials-JESUS

We all need to learn to give love, need to learn to receive...for if we are against each one, our life together will not breathe. ~Part of a poem of mine from 2004....

There are several things Satan wants me to give up on... Jesus, faith, love, health, family, friends, forgiveness, restoration ....

Most of these can be haunting. When you become a true hearted Christ follower...you have to be armed in a form of love. But what if something atrocious hit you? Many ways of looking at that.
My ex began cheating on me first yr of marriage. But what had us end was his physical abuse to me 6 1/2 yrs into it, we had a million break ups and files cancelled for divorce. But then, I had just gone thru my first brain resection and we had a one yr old sleeping soundly in her crib. This wasn't going to continue. Later after that ...major life threatening actions occurred while all of a sudden searching for Christ-He spoke to me saying just before I hit coma that I would return, but it wasn't my time...to keep pressing on in His love. I woke up a different person.

But here is the tough part internally... My parents grew further and further from me, as for they refuse to open their hearts and feel their failures are embarrassing instead of human. The last decade has been tough. I've gone thru very tough medical issues, they would have nothing to do with; whether it was overdosing to numb the abused pain they didn't believe yet,,, or grand mal, status epilepticus seizures, or two more brain surgeries. They wouldn't come. They distanced BIG before we moved to Philly...never calling or texting me once for over two years. But we returned in January, and we drove down to see them twice...and that was the end. I got a text this past Friday saying so.
Now ironically, that happened on my 5th day of my body being pain free, and taking care of my daughter on my own as Christian was out of town, business. That message just blew me up. In tears....then turned to anger....I'm hoping for numbness.... Then forgiveness to move on.
I sit and tell myself He has reason for everything ... Just give it time...but I have given this over 10 years.... Have a gut feeling time for me isn't on their agenda.
But I'll deep down always love them. I was never material, just needed love. But where they are in life, they cannot show that...to me, nor their only grand kid, Tory.

Day after this one of my best friends and I bumped heads. I still feel the same way, hurt while I emailed her....but hurt more she took as a jab. I just speak reality. So I am sorry to that soul if it hurt that much...to not call in return to figure it out and just drop me from all social media. I don't do that, won't do that....as for Jesus wouldn't. I will love her just the same. Given emails sometimes are heard differently than how they would be spoken verbally...sorry, I verbally was struggling with my parents downfall to hold it all in full sentence. So if I hurt you aside of truth, it came from my crushed heart from reaction to my parents. I can be very aggressive, and friend, we both know you are delicate...but that is a gift from Jesus. Keep it.

So even with all this chaos, my legs and arms are in basically zero pain for the first time since that brain surgery in 2010. So lesser the likelihood of my having the corpus colostomy done ( split of both hemispheres of the brain to stop the one side telling the other I am in utter pain) ... At least right now it's under control..and the other is on the back burner.

I am an odd soul who listens to music that relates to my pain...I am a much stronger Christian than last years chaos, but the music lets me know, as well as I know, I'm not alone in this mess. My faith music will return very very soon....I feel much more at ease. The parent thing just has taken a couple days to file away for now.
And I love all who hate me (not many thank God)....and love all you who love me.... Mostly, I am in deep love with Jesus Christ...thru everything.
God bless you all...in your walks, thru strife, thru blessings, thru it all we are so loved by our Creator.....and He won't let you go, if He hasn't me!

In His Love,
Heather


"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but YOURS be done." Luke 22:42

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Our help is in the name of our LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. Psalm 124:8


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Location:E Chesapeake Dr,Gilbert,United States

Alive

As I ran, searching for Christ back in 2003.... Nothing seemed controlled. The day I cried for Him on deaths door October 19, 2003, just before I hit coma after CPR was performed... Jesus had more than a heart, unconditional love, plans for all. He put up with me, this young girl who rejected Him for years on end while He saved her from so much. But that night I really should never have made it.
I went thru domestic violence from my ex almost the exact year before
I almost took and lost my life. It wasn't my only attempt ... But it was one that never should have been survived thru.
I began to overdose on my Phenobarbital because it numbed the pain, mental pain that my ex beating me, 2 mos after my first brain surgery caused. No excuse, but just personal reason.
I've never done a drug in my life, so it was shocker this was the route I took. But the neurologist I had in AL, during my pregnancy and heightened seizures, kept upping my dose of Phenobarbital past toxic level. So, a year later, after my 1st brain surgery then relocating with my husband then... That drug became my best friend.... My god. Four days into TX move, my ex beat me. But it was military, they don't put up with it. So they pulled him out of our apartment.
I was so distraught -unsure why it all happened. So I began reaching for my bottle of antiseizure medicine I took my whole life-Phenobarbital ... And took it in larger quantities.... Knowing it would numb the pain.
Mind you that was a year before the tragic yet blessed day-October 19, 2003. All of 2003 I was tripping over my own created disasters to hopefully rid the big one in my life. But I just couldn't hold anything together.
I was very blessed with the worlds BEST and caring neurologist ever at Mayo hospital. He knew my personality well, and could see a breakdown coming. He dealt with 3 big overdoses of mine that year, but that one in October we always thank Jesus for.
On the 17th I had an appointment with my neurologist, and he could see I was jittery. Something was wrong with Heather.
Oddly enough the 18th rolled around and I received a call from my now ex husband. All of a sudden, no matter what pictures I had taken legally of my bruises he caused, he was denying he touched me. I just was hurt, yet exploding inside.
I had been searching for Jesus that whole year of 2003.... But I didn't yet know how to turn to HIM, and give Him my baggage. I was one who still kept everything deep inside me-until it became obvious. And that is what happened. I had been saving up my Phenobarbital for a few months, totally hidden. First reason I didn't take it was I was angry at it cause of a couple overdoses that were hospitalized and some just at home. But yet I still saved it. Unconsciously of any issue, any aftermath they were there. And that occurred. That argument on the phone with my ex calling from Iraq, in denial of any abuse made me explode. I would either live thru it very numb, or graciously die-which to me was a gift to everyone...right down to my baby girl I raised on my own thru it all. I was lost and didn't want to be found. Hard problem, having gone to church all that year, I probably hadn't accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior yet.
So the 19th hit and I hit every pill I had stored for months. A very very strong, 1912 anticonvulsant medication went in my system. My daily dose would normally be 180 mg. I had swallowed over 9000 mg and can somehow, only thru Christ's plans and love, tell you this.
My hospital stay started in the ER. But all began at the mall with a friend when it all was hitting hard. I was fortunate to have my neurologists cell. I called, blasted as ever, and he instructed me to get to their ED right away. By the time I got there, I was in and out. No gag reflex, level from 30 of Phenobarbital to at least 101 and climbing. They had to give CPR cause it stopped my heart....and just before they pumped my stomach...I cried to Jesus for another chance for Him, for my kid, even though I didn't deserve it. I saw light and exited. They pumped my stomach and I was in ICU for a few days.
My neurologist could "get" why all this happened. He despised my ex and did everything to help me out of that pit.
I came off of that Phenobarbital then. We've tried it since, to see if the physical addiction was gone.... But it is there forever.
Humor behind that medication I took my whole life; had that AL neurologist not increased the dose so high while pregnant, it probably would have remained my medication....no overdoses, one brain surgery instead of three. But had I not fallen into the overdosing mode, I may never had run looking for Christ-for His hand, His help. And I wouldn't have my amazing husband today.... And maybe not even you amazing friends. It is amazing what one part of life changed could do to us, some positively, others negatively.
So, even though this day thru the 29th may seem surreal, I wouldn't change it. He finds a way for us to grab ahold of Him in all different ways.
I pray my family finds Him. I was the first for years... I think and pray my brother has. But as for my parents.... They are far from any God...very bitter. Thru all this I've tried to capture all the positives, not dwell on something decades ago that could have caused it all. He has too many plans and blessings as we walk with Christ.
Even with the severe pain my 3rd AWAKE brain surgery caused... From 2010 thru now, I have to hang on knowing He has plans thru it all.
Bless you all....

(By the way, the day my ex beat me was Oct 6, 2002... I insisted my husband today get married on October 6, 2007 to rid the pain... Best decision ever)
Jesus works miracles...
Heather (Hetty) Siebens

Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."


Joshua 24:24 The LORD our God we serve, and His voice will we obey.

Jeremiah 16:19 LORD, You are my strength and fortress, my refuge in the day of trouble!!

Psalm 40:2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Micah 6:8 And what does this LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

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Death Will Not Sting

Poem forms young gentleman that knew he wouldn't make it past 26... Before any health issues, any diagnosis. Dan had an amazing connection with Christ.... I hang onto this knowing illnesses can be for reasons ... Godly strength .... Praise Him!

By Dan Steven before brain cancer diagnosis .... 10 yrs before death here.....

His first major poem...

I want you to dance at my funeral
I want you to celebrate your life
I want you to dance at my funeral
In this you'll remember me
And you'll keep my love alive

Don't you shed your tears for me, baby
I'll be dancing with the angels in the sky
My Jesus, He's gonna save me
My Jesus, He's gonna dry your eyes
So I want you to dance at my funeral
I want you to eat ice cream and read poetry all night
Yah, go ahead and dance at my funeral
In this way you remember me
And you keep my love alive

Death's nothing than a doorway
A doorway home to the light
By HIS GRACE we will be there someday
Until then, keep your torch burning bright
For the sky's gonna fall on us someday
Wash our every memory away. (AMEN!!!!)
All our empty treachery will decay

And LOVE will remain

By.... The late but amazing Dan Steven
Brain Cancer took his life quick.... But all he did for Christ was like living to 100!!
AMEN!

May you be dancing in Heaven Dan!

In His Grip,

Heather

Joshua 1:9
"Be strong and courageous. DO NOT be afraid; do NOT be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Cure

Cure

Tragic times led to amazing blessings as I held tight onto Christ!


Cure

Life sure can get complex,
if you just let it so.
With every wilting flower,
a healthy one will grow.

It started out so simple
just one pill led to two;
but with age seizures angered
and I didn't know what to do.

They changed so fiercely overnight,
I dared not tell a soul.
I just played pretend they didn't exist;
prayed I wouldn't pay a toll.

Then, with a gift from God came happiness,
everything felt just right!
Then came a twist, a jab, of hopelessness!
It's now hard to sleep at night.

For what was managed then, grew and grew.
Not one in that town could believe -
that the dilemmas with me are for real, are true.
So with all of that - my child and I had to leave.

What may have seemed atrocious
what may have seemed unjust;
all happened for a purpose
this happened, now I must

I must be honest
I must be well
I must be focused
Dear God I'll tell . . .

I'll tell You how shocking life can be!
I'll tell you I'm tired, no energy!
Seizures aren't controlled by medication for me;
They're controlled by the faith in our Lord, I NOW see!

Faith in Christ is the actual cure;
even when I must take pills.
Cause with all my problems and issues I endure;
with His love there's no trial, mountain, no hills!

So I praise Him today with all my heart,
my heart has so much to give!
Without Him I'm not sure where I'd be
He's shown me all more reason to live!

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Location:Home

Hold Tight

Let's Grow Old... for Christian Siebens 7/4/04

I've got great dedication
to the best man there is
life sure seems it's ending
on a vast burning bridge

For it just may seem impossible
but you need to hold on tight
that bridge that feels it's coming down
could be the one that gives us light!

Just look beyond all our problems
look toward the coming years
for I'm tired of waiting for flawlessness
continuing that would cause me tears

The world is full of emptiness
if it doesn't contain love
It captured us and held us close
we were guided from above

We all need to learn to give love
need to learn to receive
for if our love doesn't have both
our life together will not breathe

We need passion
We need faith
We need commitment
but for God's dear sake...

We need each other's hand
down every winding road
life's weather can get harsh
and fearful stories could be told

We have to stay strong
do not collapse, do not fold
for you and I are worth it all
we're both fearless, we're both bold

So much in my life, broke my heart
but meeting you, put me back at start
a new breath of life, which starts a new living
full of sweet love and excitement we're giving

So hold on tight with me now
For I can't wait to mold
you quench my thirst as we are young
We'll hold strong while we grow old

I love you Christian 

Hetty Siebens 2004

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Location:Here

For Christ

A repeat poem I have to remind myself of.....





For Christ....


I am just me, can't give You much
I love You every step and every fall
You are my God I give thanks for Your touch
Never ending love You give to us all

I pray all find You
Run to Your love
My life changed, You made me anew
How close I feel to You in Heaven above

Never will I turn away
with all You have carried me thru
I am thankful You saved me everyday
I look at Your blessings and see what I'm to do

Your beauty and light glorifies every day
You are my one desire to praise
Out I am to share You with all and pray
Others that don't know You will find Your Amazing grace

You gave me life and kept it from death
I could have died but You answered my call
I live for You with the gift of Your breath
I pray this Easter You are love by ALL!

I love You Dear Jesus with all my heart
I live for You Christ until the day we meet eyes
That day we live for, to be our true start
You dear Jesus thru love saved us and died

I give You me heart
I give You my love
Obedience and truth are also a part
Of growing closer to You til' we meet up above

I love you always even thru the storms
and praise You that You saved me
To live with You forever MORE!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Home

Why God?

All to His Glory I'm here, can function, can think!!
I have never thought #1... that things could get much worse than what my 3rd brain surgery, that was done awake, and what it caused-never could think anything could possibly get worse. But I was more than tragically wrong. On Friday the 7th of September--I went thru such a medical trauma-one worse than my tough 12 years of major doctor visits, figuring everything out with me and my brain.
I was in such utter pain and have been since the 3rd brain surgery back in 2010. Haven't had complete pain free days since, just finding ways to cope when I can. But I was in my doctors office in extreme pain and spastic legs. That then felt like nothing could get worse-on the contrary: I was on a brand new medication to help me walk and function. It at first began to help. But within 36 hours into it, I never thought I would be any part of me again. My brain was all miswired. Not just seizures; I say just seizures cause I've had those all my life and get thru them. No, this was at first so scary cause I lost ability to converse. I couldn't understand ANYTHING anyone was ever saying, nor could I say anything except my husbands name and last name. I couldn't even remember my own daughters. And with all questions my answer would always come out Christian-cause I thought that was the word I was looking for. I thought this was going to be way too tragic to ever handle; God decided to show me even tougher.
In ICU I woke up early morning (middle of night) and my precious hubby was sleeping. I was going to try to tell him this weak feeling I was getting-but it was no longer just weird, I was unable to lift any part of my body. My muscles went limp. My neck muscle gave and threw it to the side, opposite direction of where my hubby was sleeping. But even my facial, mouth, tongue muscles were gone-so I couldn't use my speak nor use my hands/arms/legs for anything. So I was stuck unable to talk to anyone about what felt like permanent paralyzation-of limbs, neck, face, mouth tongue-for life. I couldn't even cry at that time. Then I'd fall into short sleep. And again it would hit. But my 3rd round, several hours later-I was finally able to slowly move and talk what words I could remember. But back to zero in making any sense-no matter how my brain knew what I needed/wanted to say, or read, or try to type.
I stayed unable to truly communicate for over 48 hours. Only good part was I only knew, really knew, my husband's name thru all of it. My life was looking like a very burned brain, for life. But I sure loved him-and so much today.
I am so grateful to God for the husband I have-who was very worried, but stayed so strong and loving and uplifting thru it all. Had he not been there-not sure if I would have made it thru this time.
All discussed small stroke with me and perhaps 2 very different types of seizures that were attacking me. But memory being gone would have altered life forever. I wouldn't have known how I'd ever want to stay around if that burned.
We always, ALWAYS think a certain tragic trial is tough; but not long after we come to personal realization THRU GOD'S Help--that those WEREN'T THE WORST... and I was shown way way worse ever - to realize to be able to be grateful thru the tragedy of the original tragic trial that holds me back from a lot of things-yet it doesn't take everything out of my brain-and always able to still use may painful body-never paralyzed prior. So all I can do is look back at all I was and now still going thru-seizures, severe body limb pain...but I now, can speak and remember most everything again. To lose everything we have as a human body, was not just depressing, really, it was most frightening as ever. And as I type thru this-I wipe tears away; as for it was very traumatic wondering if I'd ever know my family again-be able to be with my amazing Christian. It all looked so dark then. But thru deep silence from God thru a few years of my severe body pain-probably from my 3rd brain surgery...He sure had a lot to teach me with all I just went thru. And I am so very humbled and thrilled I am still alive, able to speak and listen and understand-and able to bodily function-in pain, but I CAN!
Jesus sure let me know He is still here. Just not exactly how I want things-but He is working on the way, HIS WAY- for His Glory. So I hang on tight.
I am very gracious for every friend and my family who all came together in rough times-but kept me as chipper as possible-more than anything LOVED!
Thank you all....
Thank you Jesus...
and thank You Christian. No words to describe my love. I know words now-but nothing is enough right now-I am very gracious-I thank Jesus for you!!

Each day we get hit, I will try to remember this day and know how much worse it can be-cause I really never want to see that again. I am never fearful-but that did me in. I am worn out but gracious!
Bless you all-I am ever so grateful.
In His Loving Arms,
Heather Siebens

#Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness. ~C.S. Lewis #Quote