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Princess and Mommy
I was never a "normal" mom... I was never the time out mom. I was never the great chef mom (as for I hate most food) ... nor was I ever the teasing mom. But I now know, thru my kiddos sparkling deep brown eyes, tender love, and arguments on who loves who more, that I was and still am a good mom. |
I had and still have, 10+ roller-coasting years. I was hanging on so tight, I never thought I'd make it thru to the next day. But this sweet smiling princess, was gifted. She was the one person who would turn tears to diamonds, and crying to laughter, a bad day into one of the best ever. That is MY Tory. And I am blessed to have hung onto life, hung onto her, and taken her completely in fully, 100% my child. She and I were an amazing team, are yet still going to be the years to come.
I had a rough road from her birth on, as many blogs tell. From pregnancy my seizures excelled past numbers a day I couldn't count, and types I never had. Plus, my Alabama neurologist wasn't too on top of epilepsy and pregnancy and what is good for the patient, the baby and the aftermath. My Phenobarbital was at such a high dose I am not sure, other than the Grace of God, how Tory came out without birth-defects. She does have a very light case of childhood epilepsy, fully controlled-but that is passed down usually anyway.
My ex now, her ex dad she never saw as dad exited everything once he could make up his mind on what he wanted most in life. He tried exiting by hurtful actions like cheating, but coming back. But the end was his beating me. The fact that he beat me, sure really upset me. But my greater concern would be for my daughter, and actions like that happening to her. That doesn't happen under my roof, to my blood.
So it was my kiddo and me. I was not completely sane, that is for sure. When he beat me, it was 2 mos after my 1st brain surgery for my epilepsy. Tory was 1 when I had the 1st one. She was already then, such a caring, full hearted, loving child. I walked in the door with my head all wrapped and this poor baby, who missed her one parent ran to me then suddenly STOPPED!!!! Looking up at my wrapped head, asking in a one year old's way with gestures to see my "owie" ... she slowly and gently touched my wrapping. Then wrapped her arms around my knees for a BIG HUG. Her heart was already so overly loving-FILLED TO THE MAX... and I was just amazed how she was this way. Cause I was FAR from the best mom in this world. I did give her love, and I rocked her every night with a bottle of warm milk to two songs, and they weren't kiddie songs! I just didn't know those. I am a music fanatic and I had a ton I loved- so I shared my current favorites that were partially relaxing with Tory. I would, as the new nervous mom, program my cd player to play #3 and #4 on The Calling "Camino Palmero." Yes, today's music and no, not Christian music, cause at that point I hadn't found Christ.
After my ex beat me her song changed to Hero by Enrique Iglesias. For some reason, this adorable child just LOVED that song!!! I was under a lot of depression, and felt like I was drowning, and wasn't sure if I'd ever make it back to the surface. On some days, I hoped that. And that was scary. I turned to overdosing to numb the pain of my ex and the pain he caused. I wasn't sure if I could handle all this on my own. When I got back to Phoenix, AZ I was in the hospital several times for my overdoses. During those, I had found the church that I attend today and where I gave my life to Christ. I chose that one because it had a purple sign!!!! Tory wasn't quite 2 when we started to attend. It took me some time to begin to grasp the music there, and longer to talk to ONE soul. But little Tory took it by the reigns and took off, on fire-child-like love for Christ!! It is the most beautiful, blunt, face to face kind! Her 2nd wellness check-up just about caused a seizure in me. My little girl, just walks in, sees her doctor come in with smiles and she just said "did you know, that Jesus died on the Cross for you?????" Yes, to our middle-eastern doctor for her. I was ready to throw up. How do I iron this out to someone who is OBVIOUSLY not of that faith. He gave a sweet response and then moved on with the check up. He didn't throw us out or double charge us and not except Tricare, as my nervous not fully on fire for Jesus, personality JUST SHOWED ALL.
Tory has always been so understanding. Never questioning. I hit the hospital one huge time in October of 2003. And in wasn't a short stay. Not was it comfortable. I almost lost my life to overdosing a HUGE hidden amount of Phenobarbital that I just horded, in case one day hit really bad. And, to me it did. Just an argument about the beating between my ex and I on the phone. The next day I took it all. Partially in hopes to just "feel better..." a part of me that hoped if it accidentally did away with me, that a lot of people would have a lot less stress to deal with. I was wrong. My Tory really needed, and still needs me. And Jesus heard my cry before they pumped my stomach and I went into coma.
My 2nd brain surgery was a breeze. I believe Jesus wanted to show me what faith does do. It was performed at the beginning of my in depth, strong relationship with Christ. I got out on a Wednesday, went to Bible study that Thursday!!! Tory was so excited about that surgery, because for some time to follow, my seizures were controlled. And instead of others having to take her to preschool-MOMMY was the one who was able!!! Made her life!! Every day I would hear about it! I would get tears of joy!!!
I had quite a few hospitalizations come 2006. My health from particular antiseizure medications made me shrink down to 91 lbs and fall into grand mal seizures. We also went back onto Phenobarbital for my wedding, so I could make it down the aisle without seizing. And it did, but just a few months down came another tough day, and an overdose. That medication was just permanently off my market. It was a drug I would be addicted to forever. So I had to move on to find different seizure control. And we tried everything under the sun. We moved onto a 3rd brain surgery in 2010. I am just now healing from that one.
That surgery was amazing. It was done awake. I could tell them if my sight was going. But it never dawned on me to tell them my body was hurting. And it more than hurt, excruciating pain for over two years after the surgery. And as for seizure control... I won't know until we get the pain medication out of me.
Living in Philadelphia was very tough on my pain. My pain needed HOT baths. Not freezing cold snow. But, as a mom, in my pain I still went out and built a couple of snowmen/girls with my Tory. I couldn't imagine not doing that. But there was so much I missed out on from that excruciating pain, and my heart hurts from that. But this little girl would always come home and tell me how she loves me, then we'd go back and forth about who loves the other more!!!! And just laugh!!! She just has such a heart that is outside of today's children. When picked on, she just doesn't understand them. Literally. She is just, thru Christ-in a different category than the normal child her age. Many that want to pick, or throw things, or cuss for once or ever, or bully, blows her mind away. And it isn't cause I sit her down every day with lessons as a good child. I've been too ill. I've just prayed. And this is just a God thing.
My kid, if she is picked on, bullied against, laughed at- may she take hold. Realize that God has plans for her. And the reason we are all ever here, is because of HIM!!! Otherwise, we could all turn to dust... for that is all we are on this little planet to our BIG GOD!!! But to Him... His love is overflowing, and never-ending and we get waaaaay more than just 2nd chances. May none of you ever forget that!!!
Her dad today is an amazing one. I was her dad for years. And, now, today as I am getting better health-wise, I can look back and say thank you Jesus, I truly think I hung onto you tight and did an ok job!!! And Christ did a miracle because this little girl, is a miracle.
May all you parents single, moms, dads, married, all--- go love up your kiddos. They are the most precious gifts from Jesus.
In our Love for Christ,
Mommy and Tory
Psalm 19:4
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Psalm 24: 7-9
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Who is the King of glory?
The LORD, strong and mighty;
the LORD, invincible in battle.
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Psalm 33: 13-15
The LORD looks down from heaven
and sees the whole human race.
From his throne he observes
all who live on the earth.
He made their hearts,
so he understands everything they do.
Psalm 139: 13-18
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
This song absolutely applies to almost my whole life. From my childhood on. It just grips my heart and I pour tears of joy every time I hear or play it willingly!! My brother, God bless him, even pulled over to let me wipe the tears and calm down as we were picking up Tory. A BIG AMEN to Tory Jensen, my brother.... this month is his birthday, yes... but also one year after he gave his life to Christ!!! NOW THAT IS A BIG AMEN!!!! Now we pray for our parents!!!!
How many of us all love to hear those words... "Just keep the faith...." ? When things are flying by our eyes at a million miles an hour, a million dollar$ an hour, a million I LOVE YOU'S in a failing marriage per hour, a million prayers a minute for your child, parent or loved one who is going thru drastic surgery or just diagnosed with something only God can take away? We all have been thru one or more of these--and millions more and we ask "how can We stop this? No one can do a thing about this-it's all in my hands. Or I'm too weak to handle this, why would God ever allow this???
