Whose Timing

Following Tonic Clonic Seizures and CPR
9/16/16

I wasn't sure after the beginning of this nightmare if I was ready- really ready for Heaven as my mind, body, spirit felt- or if it is an amazing trick of the brain. Either way, the second part of the beginning of this nightmare was completely held in Christ's hands. As we're all other parts, but this particular part had no fight with Satan in it.... Even during the fact my body was completely shutting down.

I will never know how to explain this. I am still trying to explain it to family so I can hear myself explain it to me. Most everyone knows my crazy history. Fearless Heather. Epileptic Heather. 3 brain surgery Heather- excited to have them. Extreme body pain Heather from the 3rd brain surgery. Artist Heather. Many hats, many others. But I am one the one in a million never stressed, one in a billion never worried Heather, just how my brain is mapped out. But I went into a total uncontrollable freak out session over my brain just totally jumbled. Unable to speak, to explain. 

My brain started to "closing time" around 2pm in our pool with my daughter. Just all of a sudden everything she was saying was so very slow, like she was high. So I was so confused if it was my brain or her. Cause she doesn't do bad things, my brain flips though. Never like this. So I text my husband a million times to get out there to see that ASAP so I could find out. I also text my brother to come out as well. I needed people to study and tell me if somehow Tory was truly a teenager acting up, or if my brain was going down, like I thought. And as I was in the pool.

They came out. Christian came in the pool. Immediately her odd actions stopped, but I looked up to my brother and he was trying to explain to me what I text to him and nothing was making sense, then no one did. Then this awful worry tone and cry started as I turned to my husband screeching "I have to get out, I have to get out!!!" I crawled out, then all over the patio saying things that made zero sense. I would grab my brothers leg, then aggressively crawl away howling for help. I was up against our wall bawling as my breath was leaving. My husband and brother held me asking me questions. I couldn't talk. Understood a portion of their words-when they were saying to take you to the ER I freaked our making a loud high pitch noise from my throat while spinning my left hand round and round hoping they'd unsterdand siren for ambulance. They called 911.

I fell into my brothers lap as my husband talked with 911. I thought I was speaking soft, calm, logical words to him. As my body was shutting down my mind, heart, soul knew where I was going. I was at such peace. My brother kept holding tight and so worried. I kept "speaking" to him. Telling him how special he has always been to me, how much he has coming in life yet, my life was complete having him along our ride. I then wanted my baby Tory by me and I explained to her in my jibberish language how my life changed the moment I knew about her to come in my life, how strong she made me, how much she had to live for in the way her heart wishes, and I love her always. I felt two tears drop on my right arm from brother-to me it felt like he was confirming he understands, he is with me and Jesus, he will be ok. I was at peace as my heart slowed down and I stopped breathing. I was looking at the beauty of love in family and preparing to enter Heaven when all of a sudden I woke up, heart started. As I opened my eyes to my precious husband giving me mouth to mouth. I was so touched, amazed yet confused and almost saddened my "Home" was not going to be pain, seizure, illness free in Heaven. I was going to have a harder fight.

Right now, still no one has a positive on what caused all of this. No one knows if these convulsions are completely done, or just temporarily calmed from an injection I had to have today.

I've had over 30 convulsions a day and some awful endless post ictal status. Couldn't speak forever. Some seizures would paralyze my legs and arms completely. Alter focus ability. Just wild ride. We are still figuring everything out and praying the hours it stayed away after an injection today, that it has just ended. 

I mostly pray my babies all come out un damaged from all of this. My friends and family just have beautiful hearts, and I know Jesus hears you all to be able to keep afloat.

I know we each have our timing in life from God. So I'll never know if I was supposed to go to Heaven Saturday but human power got in the way. Or if He gave us these brains to know to do things to keep our loved ones as long as we know how thru His guidance until His true time comes. I don't know, but as tragic as it all seems, that early on part still blows me away when I think of it-just amazed me.

Love you Christian, Tory, Troy, Mom, Dad, Steward, Linda, Grams and on and on all, family and amazing friends..... Blessed I am.

In His Love,

Heather (Hetty) Siebens

Acts 1:7

He said to them, "It is not for you to know times or seasons that the father has fixed by his own authority."

Ecclesiastes 3:2

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted.

Job 14:5

You have decided the length of our lives.

You know how many months we will live,

And we are not given a minute longer.

Moment of Life

Beautiful pictures.

But also a very very sensitive subject on why I don't understand. Abortion. There is no pro-choice. Pro-Life. It's either slaughter a defenseless human being , or fight for their right to live.

I was such a non follower of Christ at the time. I had zero care how people personally felt about aborting their babies. I had a very very close friend that went thru it. Meant basically zero to me because it was never in my "plans' to ever go thru any of it myself to make a choice per se, or even be pregnant for that matter. But I did get pregnant the night my ex husband (now) and I were AGAIN trying to plan our divorce in a kind manner over wine. That wine led to beautifully more- that angel in above pics. The night it happened I KNEW I GOT PREGNANT- how.... other than God, I can't tell you... I will never know- it was amazing. my ex was not happy. He had plans of his own. When I tested about a week later that wasn't what he was looking for. "Christian belief" grown and taught husband of mine- who was leaving me again for cheating, again- wanting to wipe clean this slate that is above in this picture above. Me, I grew up in a very zero religious family- sinful family...zero "God" in our family ...Jesus was only known as a cuss word-and the night it happened God made me feel it somehow-made me know it and love the feeling. I couldn't even fathom for some reason abortion for me. Not even conversation of it or thinking it. I could feel her the moment- The second she was in me. I told that "husband" to continue divorce and I'd be ok. I was strong and healthy then- I would need zero. He/she in me would be just fine and would need/want zero from him-please continue divorce and his new found love. He began talking to his southern root family-especially his sister and lectures came to him about responsibility, etc. 

I will never get it. I had zero faith. But it's like God held Tory so tight thru me. I went from zero care on abortion to not understanding how anyone can because this little girl in me, thru the years, helped me find Jesus. Helped me combat my epilepsy -helped me find my amazing husband today who is her real true daddy today from 2 yr/ old on. My horse rider. My angel. My Jesus praiser before I was. She went thru so much I couldn't fathom thinking the beauty of that angel not being here then, or now. How my ex can just sign papers so I can have all custody- so he still, later basically aborted her to marry and move on, have 2 more kids.(crazy part he was into child pornography ending of our marriage) I just don't understand the human brain, and mine is all messed up. Cut out 3 times for seizures my whole life. But I couldn't let go of her then, believer or non believer- or later- believer or non believer. She is just an angel to me- no matter what. She is so many reasons He brought me to earth-I am so grateful for.

So- I love all people who go thru all-different paths. I get it. Been thru different sides-I just get God and His beauty and reasons behind of bringing gifts to us-without my angel I'm not sure who I'd be. I feel like I'd be so empty and soulless. She has brought so much good to my life that defeated my bad and to God, I am so grateful. To her, I am so thankful. My angel Tory. My dear husband today Christian - thank you for striving and taking over.... thanking for being real. My ex... I am happy you have a new wife and children today- but it is sad what you would have killed when you look at that beauty above in that picture. That I cannot fathom.

Psalm 139: 13-16

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

My Angel below and my husband that raised her, her daddy. Thank you Christian-we love you Tory. Our little family. 

A True New Life

Montana

Why Montana soooo many ask???!!!! There are a couple reasons.....

1)When I was a little kid and lived in Steamboat Springs CO we vacationed in Big Sky

2)There was this beautiful movie that reminded me of one of my pastors daughters (still alive) fighting cancer-but Heaven to her she would say was Montana-had wide open spaces-beautiful lakes and mountains. And here we have it!!!!

My husband is kinda in his own heaven because this town is a lot like where he grew up a few states over....MN! I grew up in AZ and snooty big cities or slow southern living. You just wouldn't think I was the one who not only chose the state, cold weather AGAIN, small town, sweet log house--and I never even watched Little House on the Prairie.

What makes me happy is how thrilled my hubby is. That completes me. We are in some perfect sync. Joy we both do have or will both have. After all 3 brain surgeries all he has been is my rock-has taken care of me left, right, forward, backward. Strokes the the same- suicide, right there. He is LOVE. And never gives up and we know how to find each other and love.

 What makes this so difficult is I can't quite enjoy with him or as much as him right now as for higher altitude in many seizure patients is difficult as for it makes it very difficult to breathe, sleep, causes auras, seizures etc....

I am also a very delay EVERY TIME we move with my emotions. Otherwise you would not believe I had ANY!!! Delayed emotion me finally cries from everyone I hugged goodbye in Phoenix NOW...days ago. Make sense??? No...but yes... My poor hubby has to work, unpack and comfort all at the same time. Drama me. He probably wants to get me a 4th brain surgery-one that will "quiet me down. 😉 He is my hero. But I definitely wasn't a laid out plan for him. He is an angel.

So to see how happy he is in this home, makes me feel like I am in heaven...I cannot wait to breath---then decorate---then see all of this town with him...which by the way is basically Bozeman, MT.

Cannot wait to meet some people out there. this place does seem very kind!!!

I am so tired, to all I forgot to say, apologies-I'm exhausted !!!

Much love in HIM!!!

Hetty

I love the two of you so much

My angel Tory to the left

hubby Christian in the middle

Me Hetty to the right

Report All

Our race, location, sex, age, language we speak doesn't make a difference. Not one of us should go thru any form of abuse and not report it. Not find safety. Not one of us should read what people are posting and truly think NO ONE will listen to us. That just is not true. We may not all have parents that do. And police get drowned with work. Some may come across totally questioning the case to make people who are lying run, or weak shell up. But we have to be stronger and push the case forward as far as we insist it to go. I guarantee with that strength they have no choice. They didn't with me. And I am clueless at it all. But 2 months after my 1st brain surgery my ex husband beat me. Our 1st night in out apartment in TX. My baby girl just was put to sleep. That made a huge difference in how he ever had a chance to beat me. In our arguments prior my baby girl, I was always strong and able just to leave to a friends house. Never took note of his inclining temperament. But after brain surgery and I have my baby girl-I had a lot to live for, responsible for. But I had to keep quiet as much as possible thru the beating and after. For my angel. Put me in a vulnerable spot.  I had to protect her more than anyone. That morning I dropped him at his Army base knowing I would not pick him up. I was able thru the Army to have him legally pulled from the apartment. I had pictures taken there of the bruises by a social worker-who also took me and my daughter to the police to file charges and have pictures taken. Social workers are not only on Army bases that can help-they are state/city wide to help all who go thru these things. Help find places if need be etc- it's just taking that step and it's uncomfortable and hard. 

That was 14 years ago. We are so blessed today. My husband today took over when she was so young and I went thru 2 more brain surgeries-but so simple when I compare it all. 

Little girls when they tell you-believe them. Give them ways to tell you early on cause you have no idea what even your dear neighbors teen kid has wrong. Can't just trust. We went thru that in the 80's in a sweet small town. Everyone knew each other. Teen boy next door was the brother of a boy my age and little sister he would torment who was several years younger than me. He molested me giving me a "shoulder" ride. And showed me and his little sister his parts. I snagged her and ran to my mom. These type of people need to be locked up. His siblings were good kids. 

He even called her on the phone-it freaked her out so bad she came running to me screaming "Hetty, Hetty...." I was what!?? "Some guy called wanting to talk about sex!!" Now to me this sweet girl had a lisping issue I was trying to make it out, cause she was so frantic-and I was only 8. I thought it was checks for the parents-then the past dawned on me-I knew it was the oldest brother and sex. 

I knew about private parts-what not to touch or see, or have touched. I was blessed I could relay this to her. These things are a big issue that need to be known. Addressed. And comfortably with your parents.

As well as peer pressure. Amazing what boys send my sweet 15 1/2 yr old girl. Today, kids love to text. Have to really keep your eyes open or you can lose your angelic daughter. Boys just want naked pics, like they are adult men. Just ludicrous. It starts here. We have to help them know how loved they are, even if it means "cleaning" up their phones. 

I don't believe in #whywomendontreport

#whywomenwontreport etc etc

#allvictimsmustreport #allvictimsmusttakeaction #nooneisalone

There were moments I thought I was, truly alone. I had to make big choices. But today, thru it all, I found my faith in #Jesus , my daughter has her perfect daddy, my ex signed her over to me in 2009 completely after 2 years of showing his face here and there. Gave me time to get thru the pain of it all-and truly forgive him. Best day. 

Many won't agree with this... but I'd be happy to talk.

Blessings to you,

Heather (aka Hetty)

Hebrews 10:35-36

Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised.

Romans 4:20-22

Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised. And because of Abraham's faith, God declared him to be righteous. 

Hits Just Keep On Coming

Truly thought I was going to Heaven this time around. I thought I was to go. It all started up on another intense psychosis/vision like round. I was standing at my bedside putting my wedding ring back on from my hospital bag while smiling a funky smile that began to go crooked. Then my body stiffened and was shaking tightly standing up, unable to move at all. My husband ran over and had to lift me like a board-straight everything-jerking. He laid me down as it all continued. Back arched, I made loud noises as I started to exit and go limp. Silent there I all of a sudden took a deep breath, looked at my husband and began to slowly talk saying Gooood bye, Gooood bye.... then conversed in complete english with him. Telling him "Jesus has come for me. You will be ok. It is finally my time. Tory loves you so much. You will do so good. PROMISE me you'll take good care of Tory!!! I need to hear it before I go, so I know everyone will be ok!! Oh my gosh, Tory, I need to say good bye to her! Go wake her up, I need to see her, hug her before I go! NOW!!!! (he didn't -knew I would be ok) Okay... then I guess you'll have to tell her. I love her. It's going to be ok now. I'll be waiting for you all. oh, Jesus is here.... Jesus just hugged you. I'm going. It's ok. I'll always love you. Good bye. 

Then I went out. My heart began to slow in beats, breathing less. Until BAM!!!! I just sat UP RIGHT- eyes open!! In tears of joy!!! I was seeing Heaven- people in Heaven greeting me that I knew, missed and loved so much!!! I first shouted out- "There is Jason!!!! With no wheelchair!!! (Jason Mitchener) Oh my gosh!!! Then to my right- my breath taken, tears of joy- there is little Nickybear waiting for me-he knew me!!! My grandpa and grandma Botts!!! Barbara and Thelma... everyone is here.... THERE IS JESUS!!!!! I was taken over in tears of joy. Going on about the beauty and love. Then announcing how I am really going, not to be scared, I convulsed some on the bed- losing my hearing at that point, my chest beats slowing, pounding, and breathing going- I knew I was going. My husband got alert when I was gasping for air. He aroused me running his hands across my face and chest and my breathing came back without CPR. Even with all that beauty. He definitely had different plans. And me taking the "medical" CBD marijuana is just not made for my resected, malformed brain. I am seizure controlled without it, would like to stay that way.

Odd part about this round of convulsions is in between them, I'd have almost personal, hysteric delusions. I'd turn my head after a convulsion toward my husband or brother, and just start laughing over whatever my brain could barely think of- hysterically. Uncontrollably. Actually at least made this round a tad bit simpler to deal with. I am the Entertainer, says Billy Joel. 

From this above to this below, to above again, and below again --as the "medical" CBD Marijuana worked it "wonders" for my body pain. I think my brain has to be taken into some consideration that things just do not route thru it normally, at all. I have had 3 brain resections for epilepsy. It is not of usual shape. All MRI's look odd, all EEG's look odd-especially if a neurologist knew nothing of my past. Here is what was going on in between after I took a dose of my medical CBD Thursday to calm some of the body pain down from convulsing.

Thankfully, I only had one small convulsion this morning. I think it is all fading finally. I wasn't sure for a while there. It is so far looking like me and CBD don't get along. That is what I took the day in the pool about an hour prior. That is what I took Thursday about an hour prior to the hit. Just wild. God has a reason for everything. I cling to Him.

Much love and thanks to all for their love and support.

In His Love,

Heather J Siebens  (Hetty)

1 Corinthians 2:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard,

     and no mind has imagined

what God has prepared

     for those who love Him."

I forget I am Yours

When you've been sick basically your whole life, been thru 3 brain surgeries, 7 openings, one surgery done awake that we all thought was a calling from God- but only got more unwell from that point on, how do you ever begin to see straight again? Have the unbelievable faith you had from just prior 2nd brain surgery on, seeing all His purposes and doors open and shut-how do you regain that trust and faith-true and strong again.? Because I think I can actually say I am lost. Ever since my 3rd awake brain surgery, I've just spiraled down and down until I was flat on my face and just can't see straight anymore. I can reach out and help others, but when things turn to me, conversation is done. Not just because I don't have His answers. I just don't think I allow Him to work on it with me anymore, trusted too much and I took it away from God as if I could handle it better. But nothing is getting truly better. And if anything does, it is still with that glimpse of faith I still have. But it tires you out. Everyone continues on in life normal, and I can't. Either the horrific pain starts back up, or, I do actually carry one true fear I hide in my life. Seizures. I've been seizure free for sometime, yet I've also not functioned much. The more I function and blood flows and brain is active, I have the higher chance. I have enough in pain from the surgery going on than to face seizures acting up again from me stepping out and living life more functional. If I start seizing more again, aside from humidity causing it, I can't go down the list of meds and procedures open for me. Because in reality, there really isn't anything left I haven't had before. Or procedures willing to do with my type of seizures. So, still, the less functional I am, the more well I am, for me, for everybody is how I've looked at it. Yet, I've felt so lost, so incorrect with this personal way to "better" my seizures. I've already lost so much time with my child fighting these seizures-going thru brain surgery 1 with mommy when she was 1, brain surgery 2 when she was 3, and brain surgery 3 when she was 8. Then the extreme body pain downfall after that 3rd brain surgery, that still goes on. I hide out. I don't want to function because it puts me in pain-extreme pain, and could start my seizures again-I don't know. I've never been active a very lengthy part of life after that to know what it would be like.

I'm just praying that when I pray, I am truly praying to Jesus. Cause my heart can sure get so hard, so selfish-but not many, well no one in my family understands. They see it from their view, it has to be hard. But at the same time everything moves on, and it hurts. And I want to be part of that again. I never feared one brain surgery. I knew Jesus had a purpose. But now I am not so sure. Maybe I didn't listen to Him. Maybe I missed His sign. I just want the faith I had before. Healthy or not. I want Jesus as my focus. I don't know. A lot went on in this move to AZ. Kind of a wake up of how everyone has moved on, done everything thru these atrocious sick years-that I am just crabby, hurt, lost and scared to try to be anything like the Heather I was before the 3rd brain surgery catastrophe. It could have been way worse. It was just severe body pain. A little loss of peripheral vision- but cognitive skills etc are in tact. And was even blessed with an artistic ability I never had. I know He has a purpose, but my heart has to be there too. Constantly. Not conveniently.

My venting. Brain surgery issues. My issues.

Giving them to You Jesus. I need Your help. How quickly I forget I am Yours Jesus. 

In His love,

Heather/Hetty Siebens

Thirty nine years and counting

That little dude above is one of my closest friends ever. We literally talk about everything - good, bad, tough, dreams, mistakes, family, life, God,..etc.  That tiny little dude has made such an impact on my life, my daughter, even in ways my husband. The guy above is very special to me, and no matter what struggles we have endured, I am always opened armed to him. Always start over again. Always love him so dearly. That special dude up there is my big brother, Troy.

That dude was always so special to me, he just didn't realize it for some time. Even with my naming my daughter after him (him being Troy, my daughter Tory) he didn't catch on. It has taken such rough times, for us both, for him to see my never ending love. And my love is totally for him, my big bro... Not who he is in work life, not who he is financially, not who he is popularity, not who he is in struggles or none. He is my blood. I looked up to him growing up, chased after him as a young adult, caught him over the past several years.

These weeks with him back home with us have been a pivotal change. No one is cranky, confused, depressed. All getting along like God really planned this. He helps me in areas I am unable to do, like tutoring my kiddo. His IQ blows me out, and he hung onto so much. Just not my territory. But it is a God thing. Bringing him closer to my daughter in a way I cannot. Gods plans marvel me. We have all been out of our rooms and chatting every night. It is just like God touched him and helped change him, letting him know how special he is to us. I am so gracious.

He and I are hilarious, we can stay up endless hours, talking about every subject forever. I am so gracious to God for us, my family. Changes my look on life.

We have such an interesting connection, like we were identical twins. Kinda scary at times, more hilarious. He doesn't realize what an impact he is on me, my daughter, my family. We are gracious to have him as part of ours, cause he and I are blood, forever best friend siblings. My life would not be complete without him.

I love you Troy.... Always look forward to another day, or late chat night. I am the blessed one. 

Ironically, my daughter, whom I named after my brother ...was also born in the exact name town, different states. This all was a God thing!!!! We love you Troy.

Above is the car you cherished...yet I would try to get in it as a baby, or lay on the hood. Those pics you didn't look like my best friend. But I think you really were just watching out for my safety, right....

Your Sis,

Heather 

Outta Here

Arizona here I come!!!

So much good in AZ in my life. So much that there is too much to type. The memories keep drawing you back, along with family and friends.... my doctors who resected my brain 3 times is a big one. My church I found, I was clueless about Christ, running from the devil as fast as I could in such a tough time. Found Jesus there..daughter did. Married my husband of today there. Streets and places that bring back endless memories. It's all in Phoenix. My baby and me, trying to raise her on my own after beaten by my ex recovery started here. History. Love. Victory. Is here.

A few heart felt memories. But the actual state itself is good on my body. Its dry heat doesn't kill my body as all forms of humidity do. Its lack of much barometric pressure is a plus on all my pain. No allergies for me from there. Only during monsoon does it even make my surgical site feel like blowing open. Other states have certain pressures that constantly do. All my doctors are here. Too much goes on to continually fly from afar in states that cause affliction. 

I don't know if this really would have been a road I would have been down had I not had that 3rd awake brain surgery. But I don't regret it and want to turn time. Too much good came with the bad. Yes, the states I had to live in were tough. But it was a try, and it was fun to be somewhere so different to see what it is like. Philly was beautiful with four seasons, snow for Christmas. Never ending rolling trees. The place itself hated my body, the intense pain I went thru for 2 years. Was tough. But memories I do have to laugh at, love. And Minnesota wasn't even my decision. It was just my husband picking me up from seeing a few good friends-looking on line at some amazing house he wanted to see. They gave us 2 days to make a decision. I went along. He was from that state. We have already been in AZ after PA for almost 2 years, making my body better-I would give MN a chance. It had major ups and downs with the severe cold. At times I thought it was severely tragic. But then I'd be out of bed ok. Pressure there didn't last. Cold was severe but could deal with it most of the time, inside. But then my husband got all crazy, wanted to get me somewhere "warmer" for my health and wanted to try out Florida. Crazy part, I'm a Cali girl, so my whole life I even refused to land plane there, let alone go there. They used to be rival states growing up in the summer. I let it go, visited, my daughter fell in love with it. I was sucked in due to my love for them. I went along.

On the trip there- I went to pick up my brother in NYC, my family headed to FL. When my brother and I got into the area- no joke a pain I never had began. my occipital nerves-my head, eyes, face, ears....name it. Like the Billy Joel song Pressure. That was what it was like. Everything under Pressure x 1000. Wouldn't get better. Oddly the name of our street is Neck. I have truly been bed bound close to a year cause of what all it causes. My vertigo goes so wild here, I can't walk straight. My seizures needed more medication for control due to the humidity. It was endless, yet I could go on. I was done pretty much my first week. But kept hanging on. But I am  again a 39 yr old here. I need some hope. So my husband agreed upon back to AZ.

So my brother and I are going out early to dry my bones, get me to my doctors, seek new medical help for seizures/pain. Move forth with will power this will change and get better. But for over 6 years- really goes back to when it all began when I was 23- 16 years ago. I want a useful break.

We are all outa here in FL soon to AZ to seek what God has in store. His plans. For that, I am at peace. 

In His Love,

Hetty Siebens

My Fam!!!!

Love Never Ending

God's Angel

One precious baby born in the autumn

Filled with dreams to sit, crawl, walk then run!

Never did we think before you came to be

You'd be hit with cancer and soon set free!

Set free to our Lord up there to finally be healed

Entering Heaven is the one place no one wants to yield

He relishes our dancing, singing, praise and love

Only now you do it in greatest praise, healed up above.

You dear Nicky changed endless count of lives for all the good

Torment you went thru gracefully which you, nor no one should

You remained so happy, funny and strong in every step you'd take

Your mind so brilliant, heart so pure-I know your mama's heart still aches

I hope Heaven is way more amazing than earthly understanding

Miniature cars, an ocean, precious animals-with no time ticking

I am so thrilled you are free of such suffering and pain

In Heavens realms you are healed, no cancer ball and chain

I know you see your mama and family each and everyday

As a true angel it's hard cause you have so much to say

I know your mama see's your signs and feels you near

Every memory she has of you is alive in her and so clear

Send her signs how great she was, is and still is going to be

You're love still flows thru her blood and she wishes to see-

Your face one more time to kiss and say how much she deeply loves you

To make sure you remember you're more special to her than any jewel

Keep sending her your kisses from our Heaven up above

Kisses and hugs she so misses from her boy filled with love

Never doubt your mother's love, it is deep and never-ending

I know you feel it now and just can't wait for the two hearts mending

Love you sweet Angel NickyBear and amazing mom Angelia. In my prayers always.

Family is so Beautiful

Family is so Beautiful

Poem by Heather/Hetty Siebens

December 2, 2015

Again here comes this Christmas Day

If only it snowed and we could go play

But in Florida that is just not how it goes

Instead we play in the sand with our toes

So this Christmas is a little different dear

But with you around there is nothing but cheer

We will trim the tree in my crazy fashion

I hope this year no one cranky is lashing!

You and Tory bring out all my good

I never thought that one person could

I felt locked up in that crazy monkey cage

And one day I'd bust out in such a violent rage

But the gift of you two was never a trick or a hoax

I'd love to explain the beauty of you two to some folks

Not all will understand the beauty we live

Not all will understand how much we love to give

Let's go to our bulging beach and watch the sun set

Knowing Christ is coming, but He isn't quite here yet

Hold each others hands and pray my health lightens up

He is in control, my Lord, as He handed me His cup

We've been blessed for so many years

I'm so sorry I shed so many tears

Cause together we are one amazing team

At least to me that is how it all does seem

You are a gift straight from Christ Above Us

Not really do I have much room to fuss

You are so perfect Christian, so Devine

Most amazing part is I can claim you as mine!

Thank you for putting up with me

There are not many people that still would be

You have a heart that is bigger than this earth

The only other one like that is to whom I gave birth

My family is so beautiful, my family is a gift

Everyone so positive they will do nothing but lift

Lift your mind, soul, and body from all heartaches

And show their love is real, so far from being fake

I thank you Jesus everyday for these precious souls

Without You and my family, Jesus, I'd never watch Tory grow

When the sun comes up we thank You for another day

When the sun goes down we praise You, we made it thru ok!

I love you all with all my heart and need you by my side

Not one part of me doesn't thank you for joining on my ride

Together we all will make it thru this little thing called living

We all have such loving hearts that are thrilled to be giving

December Birthday Month Dear Jesus

December 15, 1976 - little birth of little ol me! Petoskey, MI

December Month Dear Jesus....

By Hetty/Heather Siebens

How bout you- 

let me able to use my back and walk

How bout you-

give me strength to be willing to talk

How bout you-

get my meds right and calm my body down

How bout you-

give me desire and strength to shop our little town

How bout you-

make all appointments made before my birthday

How bout you-

have me well to decorate, not just be in the way

How bout you-

keep my faith brightly shining thru all chaotic times

How bout you-

make sure I don't freak in pain waiting in the lines

How bout you-

my birthday month, bless me with my prayers

How bout you-

my birthday month, you're way more Christ's to be fair

How bout you- 

understand , my birthday month, you brought us so much joy

How bout you-

December, this month is for Jesus not just all these toys

How bout you-

dear birthday month, remind me each and every day

How bout you-

sweet December birthday month, remind me to pray

How bout you-

awesome December, realize what you've done for us

How bout you-

lively December just know I will try not to fus

How bout you-

darling December realize who used you to come and save our lives

How bout you-

precious December realize our Lord doesn't cut our promised ties

How bout you- 

December realize you've brought me so much glee

How bout you- 

December, I just know you and I were meant to be! 

I love you sweet Jesus, thank You for December, YOUR birth, and thank You for mine in that month too!!!! December, a wonderful month!! Amen!

Hetty/Heather Siebens @AliveinMe  

+Heather Siebens (Hetty) 

Thank You Lord

I took my night time bath to relax

Normal handful of meds to their max

But right away my brain felt a zap

My numb ears ringing; I needed a nap

I stared out yonder unsure what to say

Been a long time I've been attacked this way

My brain so confused; where I was, what to do

I had just taken my medication could it come from those few?

My heart beat skipped a couple beats it should have had

Man I thought "could my medication be this bad?"

My whole body tensed up I had no control of it

All I could do there for moments is silently sit.

Coming down from the heightened point of all this

My body killed, brain confused what did I miss? 

I text my precious hubby but got nothing in reply 

So I messaged my baby girl that got the news to fly

These are the moments you are twice as grateful for love

What would I do alone except pray to God up above

I probably would not be here right now with all they've pulled me thru

This is how my love for them, their love for me just grew

I hate the storms I have to face

But have the perfect family to embrace

Thru the tough times I have we will always make it thru

Without these precious souls I wouldn't know what to do

Thank You Lord for my angels in my home

Thank You Lord for my kiddo answering her phone

Thank You Lord for all the Love You keep inside us all

Thank You Lord, our Everything, even when we fall!

Love,

Heather/Hetty Siebens

November 29, 2015

Thankful

I'm thankful for your hand, thankful your touch

Thankful for my baby girl oh so very much

We as a dear family, as a whole make one

One beautiful family with which the Lord is never done

My brown eyed baby girl came into my life 14 years back

With all that we both went thru you would think I'd lose track

But her smile is so delightful her beauty such a glow

A personality in our home to keep us all a flow !!

Her best friend is like my other child

They both still think I'm young and wild

She's full of life and chipperness and brings us so much grace

She is one I love in our life; both girls' love so easy to embrace

When God placed my hot stud in my life thru very trying times

Somehow he got us thru, hung onto us and made us all shine 

He keeps us together, and our family a whole

Not one thing I'd change about his beautiful soul

I also have my big bro who makes me laugh to no end

We've had our fights and quarrels, all were easy to mend

He cares for me deeply sometimes worries about me so

But I try to remind him his love and laughter keep me ago!

So for all these little people that live within my home~

I love to go to the beach with them or text them on our phones

But I really don't want to share them too much, God gave them to me

I'll share them here and there with friends or one day spouses to be

Except dear hubby you know you are stuck right here

With me my love; I just pray you are always very near!

You bring the best of me out on toughest days of all

Makes me want to spoil you so, buy you gifts at the mall!

You all make my darkest days much brighter than all could

If I could give you millions for love, you all know that I would!

But for now you just have little ol' me who is blessed by each of you

My life has been so blessed; I would be so lost-you all get me thru!

Good Wishes To You

Why did it all have to start out with YOU?

All the chaos and trauma you put me thru.

You'd think I'd be long gone from suicide

But I had too much love and beauty to not let hide.

You thought that yelling and screaming would give me a clue

Of truly deep down in the future you were gonna do

I was always so strong before I got so sick

So sick in different cities you were with another chick

That wasn't the problem, that wasn't the issue

God knows boys make mistakes that was more than a few

But after my first brain resection I was in awful pain

I had to pick up my baby girl and move to Texas where all it did was rain

It came upon my fourth day there we found a place to live

That first night I was so emotional and you had no love to give

No instead you were filled with hate and could only scream at me

You didn't want to know what was wrong you just wanted me to flee

Your cold heart lost so much that night

So much beauty and love now out of your sight

You pinned me down and beat me hard

Until I let loose and ran out to our yard

I am so gracious you and I WERE one
It led to me and Tory having so much fun
A marriage that is strong
That will last past so long
For these I am gracious we WERE one

Searching for anyone to help or believe

That the pain you caused had to be alieved 

Your mind flipped out of control that night

So crazy would you ever have my baby within sight

But with that Coburn you didn't care

This truth to alter is a dare

Kicked out of our apartment you were

Could only visit us if you brought along a Sir

But that was too belittling for you

You knew exactly what to do 

But put classes and ranking before fixing a thing

That is where my daughter lost you and I got a new ring

Your brain works on one thing at a time

No matter how dirty or full of grime

Our relationship was from the very get go 

I was the strong one to really let you go

You'd call and beg to have me back as your bride

But listen the first time felt like I already died

So instead you bargained for retirement and money

I'm keeping my baby, you can have all funds honey

I am so gracious you and I WERE one
It led to me and Tory having so much fun
A marriage that is strong
That will last past so long
For these I am gracious we WERE one

Money gets you no where in life

If anything it causes a lot of strife

Happiness is in the living soul

That is where I'm very rich, totally full

Continue on your pretending to be happy life

I just know such a last choosing for a wife

You let her in and rule you over 

You might as well sit and hover

The Bible we read isn't just a book

It is Words of Life to get you a hook

Hook onto Christ, His mercy and love

And able to talk to Him from Above

I hope you have learned how to treat a girl

Otherwise your whole life is just a great twirl

Of disasters and cruelty, selfishness and glee

I won't even mention what you'd watch on TV

Good wishes to you, but thank you too

For being so weak you just blew

Blew off fathering your firstborn child

God kept her with me so meek and mild

I am so gracious you and I WERE one
It led to me and Tory having so much fun
A marriage that is strong
That will last past so long
For these I am gracious we WERE one...but done!